You're Too Afraid To Admit It Might Be Love
by embrace-the-deception
Summary: Nick doesn't believe in fate. But then he saves the life of a beautiful blonde prostitute. He doesn't know what to think anymore as slowly, day by day, he falls more and more in love with Jeff. Niff. M for language, sexual references/themes, violence, drugs, rape.
1. Saved

**Nick doesn't believe in fate. But then he saves the life of a beautiful blonde prostitute and everything changes. He doesn't know what to think anymore as slowly, day by day, he falls more and more in love with Jeff - and he begins to wonder if maybe he saved him for a reason.**

**Obvious Niff, which has somewhat surpassed my love of Klaine (gasp!). Rated M for language, sexual references/themes, some violence, etc. No actual sex - I don't write smut.**

**What made me think of this? I have no idea. But I'm loving it so far ;P And I hope you all do too! I know I shouldn't be starting anything else, but I couldn't help myself ;P**

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><p>Nick had never believed in fate.<p>

When people told stories of how they'd met the person of their dreams in odd circumstances, being in the right place at the right time, Nick didn't believe them. It was never like that. At least, not in his experience. It didn't matter where he was; it was never the right place. He was sure so many opportunities had passed him by because he hadn't been where he'd needed to be, hadn't made it there on time. He was always late. Always early. Always in the wrong place.

But all it took was one moment to change everything.

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><p>"Guys, shut up!" Nick called from the front, unable to stop a snort of laughter from escaping when Thad stuck his head out of the window and yelled something unintelligible at the top of his lungs. David and Cameron were too drunk to do anything about their friend but laugh hysterically, the latter taking another swig from the nearly-empty beer bottle in his hand.<p>

"Thad, get your head in the car before it gets knocked off, you freak," Nick said, reaching back with one hand and dragging his friend back inside the car by his shirt. The car wobbled dangerously on the road but Nick comforted himself with the fact that there weren't any other cars around and that if they crashed, the most likely casualties would only be the people in the car. Which wasn't that comforting, now that he thought about it.

"If you can't sit still, I'll leave you here."

David made a sarcastic noise of fear before giggling and trying to steal Cameron's drink. Thad, back in the car, gasped and shouted drunkenly at David, "You mock us, sir! You mock us!" He promptly attempted to wrestle his friend into submission, all three in the back laughing themselves stupid.

Nick sighed with a small smile. They'd just gone out of Thad's bachelor party and the alcohol had been flowing in an endless stream (as had the strippers). Now it was two in the morning and Nick, designated driver as always, was trying to get the hammered guys back to Thad's place where they could crash until some reasonable time – preferably with daylight. He tried to concentrate on the road but it was difficult with three rowdy, drunk guys in the back – and it didn't help that they were now driving through a particularly dodgy part of town. Cameron whistled to some girls on a street corner, one of whom gave him the finger and screamed at him to fuck himself. Nick rolled his eyes and almost banged his forehead on the steering wheel, but figured that wasn't such a good idea.

He wasn't sure what it was that attracted his attention. Maybe it was the sudden flash of movement in the corner of his eye. Maybe it was the glimpse of a guy on his hands and knees surrounded by two others.

No, it was probably the shout of pain that made him slam on the brakes.

Leaving the three idiots in the back, Nick slid out of the driver's seat to see what was going on. He had no illusions that he was going to run in there and save whoever was hurt – he was a good guy, but he wasn't a hero and he wasn't stupid. But if he could help, he would. His gaze rested on the three men on the pavement a little way behind where he'd stopped the car. One was on the ground, on his back now, while the other two stood over him.

Nick knew he should just get back in the car and drive away. He couldn't help this kid – and from the look of him, that's all he was, despite the clothes he wore clearly indicating his profession. But he saw the blood matting the blonde hair at his temple. He saw the shovel in the hands of one of the two standing. He saw the murderous intent in their eyes as they screamed abuse at the kid. They were going to beat the boy to death and Nick couldn't let them do that. He ducked back into the car and grabbed the beer bottle from Cameron's hands, ignoring his protests, before telling them to keep their stupid asses in the car and walking towards the scene.

"Hey!" he yelled, gripping the neck of the bottle tightly. He _really _didn't want to have to hurt anyone, even if the punks were beating the shit of the blonde on the ground. The two turned to him, the one with the shovel shooting him a dark look.

"What the fuck you want?" the other shouted.

Shovel-Guy raised the weapon higher and said threateningly, "This ain't your business. Just piss off."

"Touch him again," Nick said, wondering where the _hell _this was coming from "And I'll fucking split your face open."

Shovel-Guy took a step towards him, bringing the tool back over his shoulder like a bat to swing at him. But it seemed that the blonde boy on the ground wasn't as badly hurt as Nick had first thought. He reached out and grabbed Shovel-Guy's ankles, sending him face first to the pavement. Nick quickly grabbed the weapon from his hands and jerked it in the other punk's direction in what he hoped was a menacing way.

"Get out of here."

The man paused for only a second, glancing between Nick and the hooker he'd been about to beat up before taking off and letting his friend scramble to his feet and follow after him without a second thought. Once they were gone, Nick dropped the shovel and knelt down by the boy's side. The blonde pushed him away and tried to sit up.

"I'm fine," he said, shaking off Nick's attempts to help.

"No, you're not," the brunette replied, seeing the blood continue to flow from the large, wide gash on the side of the other's head "You're still bleeding and it could be bad."

"Of course it's fucking bad, I just got hit in the head with a shovel," the boy snapped "But I'll be fine. I've had worse."

Nick raised an eyebrow. If the kid had had worse than being beaten around the head with a shovel, he probably didn't want to know. But the wound looked serious and it needed medical attention. He grabbed the blonde's shoulder but was shoved away violently as the other scrambled back until his back was pressed against the wall of a building.

"That's the thanks I get for saving your life?"

"Thanks. Now piss off."

Nick didn't move. "I'm taking you to the hospital."

"I said I'm fine." The boy raised a hand to the cut and winced as he brushed his fingers against it gently, blood staining the skin "And I'm pretty sure your friends are going to get themselves killed if you don't get a move on."

The brunette glanced back at his car, seeing Thad almost climbing out the window again and ear-splitting laughter still bursting forth from all three. He turned his attention back to the kid and folded his arms across his chest pointedly.

"Either you come with me now, or I wait until you pass out and I drag you there. You're going whether you like it or not."

The blonde said nothing, simply staring at Nick like he was insane. He could almost see the boy's brain working, mulling over that thought before finally coming to a conclusion – a reluctant one.

"Can you help me up?" he said quietly.

Nick extended a hand and pulled the blonde to his feet, walking him back to his car. He let him get in the passenger seat as he ducked back around to the driver's side.

"Who's new kid?" Cameron slurred "Pretty boy."

"Shut up Cam," Nick sighed and rolled his eyes, shooting an apologetic look to the 'pretty boy' across from him with one hand to his head. The blonde just shrugged.

"That's kind of the look I go for."

Nick didn't have anything to say to that. He just started up his car and began the drive to the hospital. He figured he'd get this kid there and then get the lunatics in the back home to Thad's. As his thought that over, he realised he couldn't keep calling the kid… well, 'the kid'. Or 'the blonde'. Or 'hooker'. Even if he wasn't going to ever see him again after tonight, he figured it couldn't hurt to know the boy's name.

"What's your name?"

The blonde looked over for a split-second before turning his attention back to the world outside the window. "What's it to you?"

"Just curious. I'm Nick."

"Great for you. Call me whatever you like."

From the way he spoke with drained effort, as if he didn't care anymore, and the way the words sounded so robotic, Nick was pretty sure the boy said it a lot. And he didn't care to think about that.

"You have a name, don't you?"

When the kid looked over again, it was with curiosity and confusion in his eyes. Nick had the feeling this wasn't in any way normal for him – and _that_ was something he also didn't care to think about. The reply, when it came, was soft and quiet, so low Nick almost didn't hear over the boisterous laughter and screeches coming from the backseat – and what the _hell _were they doing back there?

"Jeff. My name's Jeff."

"Do you mind if I ask something else?" Nick questioned, still incredibly curious about one thing in particular. Jeff shrugged and mumbled something under his breath that Nick assumed was an okay.

"How old are you?"

Jeff stared out of the window as he replied. "How old do you think?"

"Seventeen?"

Jeff chuckled morosely at his answer. "Twenty two."

Nick couldn't hold back his sharp intake of breath at that. Twenty two. They were the same age. But Jeff looked so much younger. He couldn't be twenty two. But under the thick eyeliner, the slight dusting of glitter on his cheekbones and the outlined full lips set in a seemingly permanent seductive pout, Nick knew it was true. Jeff certainly played young well – and the thought that young was what Jeff was going for, what people apparently wanted, made Nick feel just a little uneasy.

It didn't take very long to get to the hospital, despite having three drunken idiots in the back and a hooker bleeding out in the passenger seat. When he'd stopped, Nick told the guys to stay put while he took Jeff in – to which the blonde shook his head.

"You can drop me off here," he said even as Nick was getting out and walking around to his side "You don't need to…"

"Come on." Nick opened his door and waited patiently. After a moment of glaring, Jeff slid out with a sigh and made his way towards the building. Nick followed behind, mostly to make sure Jeff didn't run and disappear as he was probably liable to do, until they got inside and he steered the blonde in the right direction.

"What's the problem?" the young woman at the desk asked without bothering to look up from whatever game she was playing on her iPod. Nick didn't really want to deal with her but said with heavy sarcastic bite, "Uh, he got bashed in the head with a shovel?"

The bluntness of his tone made the woman look up in surprise. When she saw the wound she winced and called for someone to check it. While she was occupied, Jeff pulled Nick aside and said quickly, "Seriously, you can go. You don't have to waste any more of your time here."

"And what are you going to do when I leave?" Nick raised an eyebrow, seeing the guilty look flash across Jeff's face "Were you just going to run the second I turned my back?"

Jeff mumbled quietly, wrapping his arms around his stomach self-consciously, "Why are you even doing this? I'm fine, honestly. I'll patch it up when I get home."

"That's exactly why I'm doing it," Nick replied "Because you need help and you won't admit it. I saved your life and I'm going to see it through."

At that moment a nurse walked up to them and Jeff let her look at the gash. She led him away and Nick contemplated waiting where he was. But then Jeff glanced back, almost as if to see him walk away like he expected him to. The brunette wasn't sure why this upset him so much – seeing the slight confusion in Jeff's dark eyes as he saw his saviour still standing there and not leaving – and reached out to put a hand on Jeff's shoulder, stopping him.

"I'm going to get a taxi for the guys," he said quietly "And then I'll be back."

And if Nick had looked back as he headed out the door, phone in hand, he would have seen the absolute astonishment in Jeff's eyes as he was tugged away again.

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><p><strong>You like? Please review!<strong>


	2. Care

**Thank you so much for the feedback on this, I'm glad you all like it so far!**

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><p>A dozen stitches and some cursing later, Nick and Jeff were on their way out of the hospital. The nurse seemed to have been in a hurry to get rid of them, and Nick suspected it had something to do with the blonde's obvious profession. No one in this town really wanted anything to do with the prostitutes or that dodgy district where they worked if they could help it – or they weren't fucking them. The woman had patched Jeff up and sent the pair on their way, but Nick had the feeling that if it had been him hurt and not Jeff, she would have insisted on keeping him in overnight or checking him more thoroughly.<p>

The moment they were outside Jeff split off and began to walk away. Nick paused and called, "Where are you going?"

The blonde turned and stared at him like he'd grown a second head. "Home."

"And where's that?" Nick didn't mean to sound as condescending as he did. Jeff glared at him, gesturing to himself. "If you have a problem with me, I don't care. I'm going. _Home_."

At Jeff's hand motion, Nick took his first proper look at the blonde, up and down. He wore knee-length wedge-heeled boots, tight shorts and a wifebeater, all black. The shirt was just visible beneath a black leather jacket with short sleeves, half zipped up. Nick wasn't sure why he hadn't taken this all in before, why he was only really noticing now how goddamn sexy the kid looked standing there, arms folded across his chest and one barely-covered hip jutting out slightly…

_Fuck Nick, get a grip._

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that," he said, trying to focus on Jeff's face and not _oh my God his legs fucking go on forever why did I not see all this before? _And there he went, mind rambling as he attempted to get it under control. He stared at the stitched cut on Jeff's right temple, reminding himself that the blonde was injured and he had something else he was going to say, didn't he?

"Whatever," Jeff sighed, waving a hand vaguely in annoyance "Thanks for the help."

He turned to walk away (_oh fuck, his _ass _in those shorts_) and Nick had a brief moment of indecision before calling, "Wait. Please."

Jeff paused and glanced back. "Look, unless you want to fuck me, I'm going. I haven't got time for this shit."

Nick was stilled by the bluntness of Jeff' statement, but just as the blonde was about to leave again he finally regained the power of speech and said quickly, "Come back with me."

And what the _hell_ was he thinking, inviting a hooker back to his place? He didn't want sex (_okay, maybe I do and oh my God, shut the fuck up, this is so not the time_) so why was he asking for Jeff to come home with him? He knew it was because he couldn't leave him out there after he'd been attacked. He didn't want him to go back out there at all, back to degrading himself, whoring himself out. And he knew he couldn't stop him from doing just that, even if he came home with him. He couldn't save this kid. Who was he kidding?

But he was going to try to do what he could for him.

Jeff stared at him blankly for a moment before his expression changed smoothly to half-lidded eyes and pouting lips. He stalked back to Nick –who was a little distracted by the blonde's hips swinging like that – and stopped in front of him, pulling the brunette forward by the shirt and whispering in his ear lowly.

"Now _that _I can help you with."

"N-Not for sex," Nick managed to stutter and Jeff shoved him back with an incredulous look on his face. "What is _wrong _with you?"

"I'm a decent human being," Nick shrugged, stepping back a little "It's a flaw."

Jeff regarded him for a moment, arms crossed across his chest tightly, until finally he sighed. "You're fucked up, you know that?"

"Are you coming with me or not?"

"Are you gonna pay me? After all, this has set back my night." Jeff pointed at the cut and Nick shrugged.

"Fine."

The blonde took a step back and stared. "Just like that? You don't even know how much."

Nick winced. That could actually be a problem. Being a student with a part-time job, he didn't exactly have cash just lying around to blow on trying to save a prostitute (and he was going to _ignore _that pun). Before he could ask, Jeff quickly answered the obvious question. "One ten an hour."

Nick thought to what money he did have. Calculating rapidly in his head (and he thanked God for getting the maths gene) he told Jeff he could afford three hours. That was pushing the limit and he knew it. He checked his phone – three in the morning. That meant he was good until six. When he glanced up he saw Jeff nodding vaguely.

"'Kay," he said quietly "If you want. I'm not gonna turn down free money."

"Great."

Nick gestured to the car – he'd sent Thad, David and Cameron home before in a taxi, telling the driver to dump them at Thad's place – and Jeff casually slid into the passenger seat. The brunette took the driver's side and started the car, not taking his eyes off the other.

"You sure you don't want something for your money?" Jeff asked, tilting his head just enough to look at Nick out of the corner of his eye, a smirk playing across his lips.

"I'll live."

"Your loss."

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><p>When Nick pulled up outside his place Jeff said nothing, getting out and waiting for the other, leaning back against the car in a way that should have been made illegal. Nick shook his head to rid himself of those thoughts and walked up the path towards the house he'd rented from his parents when they'd moved out of town, Jeff behind him. It was a small place, nothing special, but Nick liked it. He'd grown up here and now that it was his to do with as he liked (within reason, his mother had said, but it wasn't like she gave a damn as long as the rent was paid) it felt even more like home. It was nice, the feeling.<p>

He unlocked the door and flicked on the lights, letting Jeff walk in before closing the door. The blonde glanced around appreciatively.

"Nice place," he commented as Nick led him to the living room – and the couch. He was sleeping on the couch. Nowhere else. For both their sakes. Nick preferred not to get involved with male hookers he'd just saved from death.

"Hold on a sec," he said, ducking into his room (for the first time Nick cursed how close it was to the living room) and grabbing the spare blanket off his bed and a pillow. He always slept with far more pillows than were necessary – not that he would ever admit to anyone nor let it get out that he did so for the simple reason of hugging them as he slept. Because he was lonely single gay guy in Ohio. The only attention he'd received in the last year had been unwanted drunken advances from his friends and old men, some women who didn't realise he was gay, and a certain blonde prostitute in the other room. That thought reminded him of his guest and he quickly returned to where Jeff was fiddling with a small cell phone. The blonde looked up when he entered, dropping his hands almost guiltily.

"You're actually going to stay here?" Nick asked as he handed the boy the blanket and pillow "You're not going to run off?"

"Well, considering you haven't paid me yet, I don't think I'll be going anywhere."

Nick chuckled at that and smiled when he saw Jeff's lips curve up slightly. It was only a little, but it made him feel better about what he was doing. He stepped back and watched from his doorway as Jeff settled down on the couch, pulling off his boots and jacket before shoving his phone under the pillow and sighing.

"You're fucked up, Nick. You're the only person in this town that would pay me to sleep on their couch."

Nick smiled. "I know. It just means I have a conscience."

Once he was sure Jeff was asleep he let himself out, walking down the street to get the money he needed from the ATM, almost emptying his bank account of all his savings – he was going to be broke for a while. He was back within ten minutes and carefully laid the notes on the coffee table where Jeff would see them when he woke, along with his phone number. It couldn't hurt. He stood back for a moment and let himself run his gaze over the boy. He was peaceful when he was asleep, hair falling across his face and mouth slightly open as he breathed softly. He looked even younger now, but Nick knew it was all an illusion. He and Jeff were the same age. Jeff wasn't a teenager – he was twenty two and making himself look like a kid to please the perverts and closeted gays in town. It wasn't fair.

Nick sighed as he made his way to his room and changed, slumping on his bed. Life was never fair.

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><p>When Nick awoke at seven the next morning to his alarm, he knew Jeff would already be gone.<p>

Sure enough, when he dragged himself out of bed and his room, the couch was empty. The blanket was folded and left on the couch, the pillow on top with smudges of black on it. The money was gone – as was the slip of paper with the brunette's number. Nick smiled to himself. He'd probably never see nor hear from Jeff again, but he felt better knowing that he'd helped and he _could_ help if need be.

He wandered into the kitchen, intent on coffee. But when he got there he caught sight of a note on the bench, pen dropped beside it. He picked it up and read.

_Thanks. Really. I appreciate what you did for me. And I know __you __paid __me__ to stay at your place, but if you ever want something in return, ask for Syxe at Body Shots. Fridays only. Free._

_And sorry about the pillow – I kind of forgot about the eyeliner._

_Thank you_

Nick raised an eyebrow as he read the note through again. Body Shots was the local gay strip club that most people 'forgot' about and tried not to mention. He'd only been there once with Cameron, who'd insisted he come with him. He didn't make a habit of going there no matter how much Cameron tried to drag him along, and now he was all but being invited. To see Jeff there. For sex.

Nick sighed, taking the paper and moving to throw it away. But he paused for a moment, chewing on his lip as he stared at the note contemplatively. Finally he grabbed a magnet and stuck it to the side of his fridge where it wasn't noticeable. He probably wouldn't take Jeff up on that offer. But it couldn't hurt to keep the paper anyway.

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><p>"How was last night?" Blaine asked as the small group sat down at their usual table at the back of the café, away from everybody else. Nick chuckled and rolled his eyes.<p>

"Cam, Thad and David got drunk and there were strippers galore. How do you think it went?" he laughed sarcastically.

Blaine and Kurt shook their heads, smiling, while Wes groaned in annoyance. "I should have been there."

"You had an assignment due today to work on, _Wes_," Kurt said, to which Wes just groaned again. Blaine laughed, turning his attention back to Nick.

"Was it really that bad?"

"David almost drowned in his beer, Cam groped some random guy at the bar, leading to us getting kicked out, and Thad nearly got his head knocked off by sticking it out the window on the way back."

"Speaking of," Wes said "I got a call from David this morning. He's got a hangover from _hell_, apparently. But he was telling me about some _hooker _you had in the car?"

Blaine and Kurt's eyebrows almost hit the roof and Nick buried his face in his hands. Damn. He'd thought perhaps the guys had been too drunk to remember the 'pretty boy', as Cam had put it. But it seemed at least David recalled the events of last night and now he was going to have to explain himself to three nosy friends.

"I didn't think you liked prostitutes. Sleeping with them, anyway," Kurt said.

"I don't, and I didn't," Nick shot back "I saved his life."

If the three hadn't been interested before, they were positively dying of curiosity now. Blaine leaned forward, Kurt folded his arms across his chest and Wes just gaped at the brunette like he'd grown a second head. Nick sighed and told them the story, knowing they would pester him into telling anyway.

"I was driving the guys back when I saw this guy getting bashed with a shovel, so I kind of jumped in and saved his life," he said, the others wincing "I got him to the hospital and they stitched him up."

"And?" Blaine asked "Come on, there's more than that."

"And I took him back to my place so he could sleep there," Nick answered, exasperated.

"Let me get this straight," Wes said slowly "You saved a hooker from being beaten to death. You got him fixed up. And then you took him home. And you _didn't _sleep with him?"

Nick sighed. "Yes."

"You sir, are weird."

"I know." Nick glanced at his watch "Look, we've got twenty minutes until classes, so can we just get coffee and _not_ talk about that?"

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><p>Walking into his rented room, Jeff sighed and flung himself on the bed. He was <em>exhausted<em>. Getting a shovel to the head and having to walk halfway across town to get home tended to wear one out, even with a few hours' sleep. Just as he was dropping off, a voice jolted him back into the land of the living. He cursed under his breath even though he knew his friend deserved an explanation.

"Where the fuck were you last night?"

Jeff rolled over onto his back and sighed. "Some shit went down, okay? I don't really want to talk about it. I'm tired."

"Jeff, are they _stitches_? What the hell happened?"

His friend was by his side in seconds, probing at the stitches in his forehead. Jeff batted his hand away and sat up, telling the other to fuck off, but the brunette was having none of it.

"You disappear all night, come back with stitches – you owe me a damn explanation."

"Alright!" Jeff glared "Calm down Seb. I'm fine. Nice to know you care."

"Yeah, well, you pay half the rent on this place."

The two looked at each other for a split-second before laughing, the brunette clapping a hand on his friend's shoulder. When they managed to quieten down, Jeff told his story quickly, hoping he could get some sleep in without Sebastian interrupting him again.

"I got attacked. These guys… I was pretty sure they were going to kill me. But then some guy driving past stopped and scared them off. He was too nice for his own good – he drove to the hospital, got me stitched up, and then you know what? He paid me to sleep on his couch."

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. "You're not serious?"

Jeff nodded. "I offered, but he point blank refused. And I wasn't going to turn down three hours' worth of pay."

"The guy's fucked up," Sebastian chuckled, Jeff agreeing "That's what I said."

"You're okay though?"

Jeff gave his friend a half-smile. Though he didn't like it to be known, nor did he show it so blatantly very often, but Sebastian did care. He was hard and unfeeling on the outside – working so long in the business had done that to him – but when it came down to it, the two cared about each other. They had to. They didn't have anyone else. It was nice to have someone to come back to, someone to bitch to about life and work and everything in between. And truth be told, Jeff liked the idea that there was one person that cared about him. Sure, Sebastian was a bastard and a complete ass who thought he was better than everyone else – but he cared, and that was all Jeff needed. Someone who would actually know and care if he didn't come back one morning, the way he almost hadn't.

"I'm okay."

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><p><strong>Seb is a whore. That is all.<strong>


	3. A Day In The Life

**Took me longer than I thought, but here it is :) Thank you for all the feedback!**

**Warnings for drugs/drug use for the rest of the fic. Lots of POV swapping in this chapter, sorry if that annoys you.**

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><p>Sitting in his lecture, Nick was bored out of his skull. He stared at the paper he'd been writing on in front of him but none of the scribbles made any sense. With a sigh, he glanced around at some of the others in the class, but they were all focused on what the man at the front was saying. Nick grabbed a pen and tried to look like he was paying attention, but he wasn't listening at all and when he looked down, he realised he'd just been sketching eyes. They were slightly disjointed due to being drawn blind, but they were instantly recognisable to Nick. He sighed and scribbled over them. It didn't seem to work – he could still see them beneath the dark pen lines, staring at him. Frowning at them, he tried harder, almost tearing a hole in the paper in his efforts.<p>

"You right there?" Cain beside him asked, nudging his shoulder. Nick jumped and looked at him strangely, having almost forgotten anyone was there. He shrugged and Cain went back to his notes with a small shake of his head.

Nick glared at the paper, now covered in black patches and lines and words that he couldn't comprehend right now. He felt like banging his head on the table, but he figured it probably wasn't such a good idea since he was supposed to be paying attention. Resting his chin in one hand, Nick once again tried to tune into what was being said and catch up.

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><p>Jeff could barely remember the last time he'd slept for so long. It was bliss, just passed out on the bed and not having to care about anything at all. Of course, he'd fallen asleep with glitter and eyeliner smudged across his face, using his jacket as a pillow. But it didn't matter – it was the best sleep he'd had in ages. But then Sebastian had to ruin it all by returning to the room and slamming the door hard enough to make the walls shake.<p>

"Fuck Seb, I hate you," Jeff mumbled as he blinked his eyes open and sat up, stifling a yawn. But when he saw his friend muttering to himself and running a hand through his hair, Jeff sighed and stood up, almost stumbling over the boots he'd kicked off earlier.

"What now?"

"I need cash."

The blonde took a deep breath and, risking the wrath of a Sebastian in withdrawal, said carefully, "Seb, I'm not paying for your drugs again."

Sebastian glared at him from where he was backed against the door and trembling. "You fucking got money for nothing. I _need _some. I ran out and he won't give me any 'til I pay him."

"It's mine. We agreed on this. I'm not giving you money."

"_Please_."

"No."

It happened every time and he really should have expected it, but once again he was taken by surprise when Sebastian stormed across the small room and slammed him against the wall, fury raging in his bloodshot eyes as he pressed his forearm tightly against Jeff's throat and pinned him there, strangling but not enough to kill him.

"Give me the fucking cash."

"Okay!" Jeff choked out "Under the bed, the bag."

Sebastian let him drop in favour of rushing to Jeff's bed and pulling out the tattered messenger bag that lay underneath it. Inside was the money Nick had paid him to sleep at his place as well as everything else he'd managed to save and Jeff watched as his friend grabbed a handful of notes and got to his feet. He ran for the door and left Jeff alone, coughing and trying to get his breath back. When he finally crawled over to the bag and counted what he had left, Jeff dropped his head to his knees and fought back that bitter taste of failure in his throat. Out of the six hundred he'd had stashed away, more than half of that coming from Nick, four hundred was gone. Four twenty, he realised when he recounted. He'd planned on using the cash to pay the rent on the place in advance for a while so they didn't have to worry about it. Now it was gone – blown on a hit of coke.

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><p>Getting out of the lecture and into the fresh air was a relief. Now he didn't have to pretend he knew what the guy was on about. He knew this was important – journalism was all he'd ever wanted to do since he was seven and he couldn't throw this opportunity away – but for some reason today just wasn't his day to focus. Nick sighed and headed for his car, already dreaming about the hot shower and bed just waiting for him at home.<p>

"Nick!"

Closing his eyes, Nick sighed. Then he turned to see Kurt running towards him breathlessly.

"Yeah?"

"I know you're heading for your photography class and I don't want to make you late…"  
><em><br>Shit, that's tonight_.

"But Blaine wants to know if we're still on for Thursday at your place. Some of the guys at work asked if he wanted to 'hang out' with them then and he just wanted to know…"

"Yeah, we are," Nick said, mentally kicking himself for forgetting about the highlight of his week.

"I'll tell him. See you later!"

Kurt ran off, leaving Nick to get in his car and head to his formerly-forgotten photography class. It was one of the few things that made him truly happy. He loved photography as much as he wanted to be a journalist and he knew he wanted to do some sort of photojournalism, maybe overseas. He couldn't believe he'd forgotten it.

"Looks like sleep's going to have to wait," he muttered to himself as he started his car.

* * *

><p>When Sebastian returned he was clutching his hit close to his chest, shaking more violently. He stumbled over to their tiny bathroom and disappeared, shutting the door behind him. Jeff still hadn't moved from his position with his head pressed into his knees, hands gripping his hair in frustration. He just couldn't win. He'd been hoarding that cash for so long and the injection of Nick's payment had made him think he might actually be able to stop worrying about the rent for a month or two. How stupid of him. Just because he'd changed the hiding place didn't mean anything else would change. It had happened before and why had he thought it wouldn't happen again?<p>

Jeff didn't know how long he sat by his bed, but when Sebastian finally came out of the bathroom, much more relaxed and no longer shaking, he was still there. He looked up as Sebastian noticed him and knelt beside him. He put a hand on the blonde's shoulder but it was shaken off.

"Jeff, I'm sorry."

"You're always sorry!" Jeff shouted, shoving his friend away and standing up to tower over him "You're always fucking sorry. Every single time you do this. It doesn't mean anything anymore!"

Sebastian got to his feet and tried to calm the blonde down but Jeff pushed him away violently.

"I'm going," he said as he grabbed a pair of cut-off jeans and tugged them on before walking for the door, slinging the messenger bag over his shoulder. Sebastian stopped him in the doorway by grabbing the back of his shirt.

"Where are you going?"

"You know where."

"No, I don't Jeff. I feel like I don't know you at all sometimes."

"How fucking profound of you," Jeff spat, pulling out of Sebastian's grip and slamming the door, the walls shaking.

* * *

><p>"I thought you weren't going to get here," Dean said as Nick ducked into the room. The woman running the class glanced at him but said nothing – Nick was one of the best in the class and so Celia tended not to call him out on his mistakes; such as being late. Nick dropped heavily into a chair beside his friend and ran a hand through his hair, letting out a deep breath.<p>

"Kind of forgot this was on tonight."

Dean chuckled and both focused their attention on Celia as she began to speak. But once again Nick wasn't paying much attention. His thoughts were far away from this class.

He didn't know why, but he couldn't get that damn blonde boy out of his head.

* * *

><p>Jeff ran down the street, not even feeling the pavement beneath his bare feet. He was so used to it by now that he just didn't feel it anymore. He got a few glances but being the district that it was, no one looked for long and most didn't care about the messy-faced boy running from the angry shouts of his name, head down and tears in his eyes.<p>

* * *

><p>"And for next week, I'd like you all to take a series of photos from the category I'm going to give you," Celia said, passing out small slips of paper to everyone. Nick sat back and smiled to himself at the thought of going home and sleeping. God knew he needed it. When he was given his paper he glanced at it and raised an eyebrow.<p>

_Alone_

He mused over that as he left the class, saying goodbye to Dean and heading for his car. It seemed to be quite a simple category to fill and all his success depended on was motivation and the right moment to catch. He wasn't going to stage anything – he preferred to capture what was there, happening right at that moment, something unplanned and natural. It made these tasks more difficult though as he had to find just the right thing to photograph within a week. But he always made it on time somehow.

_I wonder what I'll find for this one._

* * *

><p>The club was closed, of course. It would open later but for the moment it was locked up. It didn't matter though. The person Jeff needed lived above the club and he'd be there. He was always there.<p>

He ducked down a side alley to the back of the club where dirt, boxes and cigarette butts lay. Pounding on the locked door, Jeff shouted, "Trent!"

Soon enough the window on the next floor up opened and a head poked out. "Jeff? What the hell do you want?"

"I need the stage. Please."

There was a sigh and the window closed. A minute later the lock clicked and the door opened to reveal Trent. Jeff shoved past him, heading past the back rooms towards the club area which later on would be filled with music and dancers, half-filled with guys looking for a secretive good time. Trent followed him with arms folded, shaking his head.

"What did he do?"

"What hasn't he done?" Jeff shouted as he reached where he was going. The actual club was technically quite small but done up to seem larger. A bar lined the back wall and a crescent-moon stage lay at the front. This was what Jeff stormed towards, jumping up onto the low stage and standing at the curve. Trent said nothing, simply sitting on the bar and watching as Jeff did what he needed to.

_I walk a lonely road  
>The only one that I have ever known<br>Don't know where it goes  
>But it's home to me and I walk alone<em>

_I walk this empty street  
>On the boulevard of broken dreams<br>When the city sleeps  
>And I'm the only one and I walk alone<em>

_I walk alone  
>I walk alone<br>I walk alone  
>I walk a-<em>

He'd started off quiet but then he burst into a stronger, deeper voice, full of anger and disappointment and bitterness. Trent watched as the blonde stood with eyes tightly closed, hands outstretched from his waist just a little.

_My shadow's the only one that walks beside me  
>My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating<br>Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me  
>'Til then I walk alone<em>

_Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, aaah-ah,  
>Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah<em>

_I'm walking down the line  
>That divides me somewhere in my mind<br>On the border line  
>Of the edge and where I walk alone<em>

_Read between the lines  
>What's fucked up when everything's alright<br>Check my vital signs  
>To know I'm still alive and I walk alone<em>

This was the only way Jeff knew to get the anger and rage out without hurting someone. He didn't want to hurt anyone. The last time he'd let his anger get the better of him he'd punched Sebastian in the face and broken his jaw. He didn't want to do that again. So now he came and sang – his feelings, his fury; just sang until he was calm again.

_I walk alone  
>I walk alone<br>I walk alone  
>I walk a...<em>

_My shadow's the only one that walks beside me  
>My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating<br>Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me  
>'Til then I walk alone<em>

_Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, aaah-ah  
>Ah-ah, ah-ah<em>

_I walk alone  
>I walk a-<em>

Jeff paused for a moment, visible relaxing before he sang the last part of the song in a slow and calmer tone. He was still angry, but he could control it now and he didn't feel like beating the crap out of anyone – except Sebastian, but he wasn't here and couldn't be hurt.

_I walk this empty street  
>On the boulevard of broken dreams<br>When the city sleeps  
>And I'm the only one and I walk a-<em>

_My shadow's the only one that walks beside me  
>My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating<br>Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me  
>'Til then I walk alone<em>

As he finished Trent began to clap and the blonde looked up in surprise. He'd almost forgotten he was there. Slightly self-conscious, he stepped off the stage and walked over to Trent, wrapping his arms around his stomach.

"Even without music you're still perfect," Trent commented, one of many compliments he paid Jeff when he came to release his anger. The blonde nodded and jumped up to sit beside him on the bar, swinging his legs and staring down at the floor.

"What did he do?"

"It's a long story," Jeff sighed.

"I've got time."

* * *

><p>Nick locked the door behind him and staggered towards his room. He was exhausted. Driving in his fatigued state was probably illegal but he was home now and could sleep forever. He dropped his bag on the floor of his room before collapsing on his bed with a contented sigh. He kicked off his shoes and lay back on his numerous pillows.<p>

Comfortable, he was asleep in seconds.

* * *

><p>"You can't change him."<p>

"I know."

* * *

><p>Not for the first time, Nick dreamed of a dark-eyed, glitter-faced blonde standing on a street corner.<p>

Alone.

* * *

><p>"I should go."<p>

"Then go. But I'll see you here Friday."

"When do I not show up?"

Jeff slid off the bar and headed for the exit, leaving Trent to follow behind and close up. He stepped out into the alley, the cold wind biting into him as the lock clicked. Silently, Jeff hugged himself in an attempt to keep warm and walked away, leaving Body Shots behind him.

* * *

><p><strong>Song is Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day<strong>

**I am seriously loving my version of Sebastian. A whore, a druggie - poor thing ;P And Trent... *facepalm* I couldn't resist. **

**Please review?**


	4. Shots

**Thanks for all the reviews guys! Especially the brilliant Jessica Mitch, who pointed out a rather silly mistake I made which is now fixed, and also gave me what was possibly the best review ever. Love you tons!**

**Prepare for stalking, angst, sexual tension, body shots, dramatic exits and a heap of other exciting things!**

* * *

><p>Nick was bored.<p>

He was bored because he didn't have anything to do, and it was killing him. He wanted to be up, doing something; not just lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling, wishing he had something to do at nine on a Wednesday night.

Finally he sighed, sitting up and running a hand through his hair. He did have something he could do if he thought about it. He could try to finish the assignment for his photography class. _Alone_ wasn't that hard of a subject to capture and surely if he went out he could find something or someone that looked lonely. With a determined nod, Nick stood up to collect his camera from his desk. Grabbing a jacket and his keys, he headed out to his car and within minutes was driving down the road with no idea of where he was going. He stared at the road blankly, wondering where he should go, but it seemed his mind already knew. Before he could really think, he was entering that suspect district – and he didn't know why.

Okay, so that was a lie. He knew exactly why he'd subconsciously come here. For the past three nights – ever since he'd saved that prostitute – he'd been dreaming about him. Blonde hair and glitter, eyeliner and sexy strut. Dreaming of just what he could do with those pouting lips of his. He was beginning to think he'd have to take Jeff up on that offer just to be able to stop thinking about him.

And as he pulled over to the side of the road and was about to bang his head against the steering wheel in frustration, he saw him.

Nick stared. Jeff was further up the street on the other side, pointedly ignoring another guy who was trying to talk to him. The other – a brunette Nick thought, though the glow from the nearby streetlight wasn't that great – was grabbing Jeff's shoulder but the blonde was pushing him away. Finally the brunette seemed to give up and stormed away down the street in his red thigh-length heeled boots, his barely-there shorts and shredded, torn shirt – a hooker.

Once the guy was out of sight around the corner, Nick's attention refocused on Jeff. He wore the same outfit he had before only without the leather jacket and he stood beneath the streetlight with arms folded, obviously angry. Without even realising Nick reached over to the passenger seat and grabbed his camera, snapping a shot through the window just as Jeff ran a hand through his hair, his other arm wrapped tightly around his stomach. Nick couldn't see his face from this distance, but zooming in on the camera meant nothing was hidden. Not even the look of pain on Jeff's face.

And then it was gone. The blonde straightened, composing himself and Nick couldn't seem to stop himself – he took another photo. He made sure Jeff's face wasn't recognisable – but what did it really matter? It was more out of decency than any real attempt to hide his identity. There couldn't be many male prostitutes around town.

It was perfect. The way he was standing, the glow from the streetlight illuminating the boy just enough (_he's not a boy, remember_), creating a sort of halo as his hair shone as well as it could, the dirty surroundings seemingly a world apart from Jeff himself. Nick couldn't have asked for better. He took shot after shot, almost afraid he would get caught, until finally a lone car pulled up beside the blonde. Jeff only needed to take three steps to reach it, but Nick was lost in his few hip swings as he moved. He spoke briefly to the driver before he smirked and pulled open the door, getting inside.

As the car disappeared, Nick lowered the camera and stared at the spot where Jeff had been just a moment before. He was strongly fighting back the thoughts of where Jeff was now, and just focusing on where he'd been – right there, under that streetlight. He took one final photograph of the lone streetlight before starting his car back up and beginning the drive home.

* * *

><p>It was a little silly, still feeling humiliated. But Jeff couldn't have felt worse as he was all but kicked to the kerb like some piece of trash and left there as his client drove off.<p>

He hated backseat sex with a passion. Not only because it was hard for a guy his size to fit in the backseat, but because afterwards they would just throw him out of the car and drive off, leaving him on the pavement like he was nothing.

He always made it clear that he didn't do backseat sex. At least he still had a shred of his dignity left when he walked out of a crappy old motel. But this guy didn't want to take no for an answer and Jeff wasn't inclined to argue when he was basically forced into the back of the car.

So now here he was, sitting on the pavement and staring at the cash in his hands, wondering why he couldn't feel anything. No pain, no hurt, no anger – nothing but utter humiliation. Was the fifty bucks worth it? He wasn't sure.

Getting to his feet, he began the walk back to his place. He didn't care how much time there was still left of the night, or how little he'd earned, or how pissed Sebastian would be when he found out that he'd be paying the majority of the rent this week because Jeff hadn't earned enough. It served him fucking right.

It took him fifteen minutes to get home. Letting himself in and knowing that Sebastian wouldn't be back until just before dawn, he slipped into the tiny bathroom to take off his face. That's all it was to him – all he could bear it to be. A face. A mask he put on every night to hide everything else he felt. He wondered if he'd start to feel again once his face was clean from the glitter and the eyeliner and the gloss. But, staring at his reflection in the mirror once he was finished, he realised he wasn't going to be feeling much anytime soon.

Without a care, he tucked his cash in his messenger bag under his bed – he wasn't going to hide it anymore, he'd given up on that – and kicked off his boots before curling up on his bed and falling into a dark and dreamless sleep.

* * *

><p>Thursday night. Nick had been looking forward to this for a while now. He'd made plans with the guys to catch up and just kick back after a stressful few weeks of classes and work. And now here they all were – all seven of them crammed into Nick's living room, chatting and laughing and drinking.<p>

"You got anymore beer?" Cameron slurred, holding his empty bottle in the air. Nick shrugged from where he was slumped half-on, half-off the couch. "I dunno. Go look."

Cameron sighed and hauled himself to his feet, stepping over Blaine and Kurt on the floor and heading towards the kitchen. Beside them was Wes and Thad, the latter finally getting the chance to regale Wes with tales of his bachelor's party, and on the couch David was asleep, having passed out from exhaustion a little while ago due to recent long hours at work.

When Cameron wolf-whistled from the kitchen, Nick didn't care to know what he'd done or found. But then his friend came back holding a small piece of paper in his hand and waving it around with a devilish smirk.

"What's this, Nick?"

Suddenly everyone was interested and awake as Nick glanced at what appeared to be a harmless blank piece of paper and shrugged. Cameron laughed and read aloud, Nick's heart dropping to the pit of his stomach with embarrassment.

"Thanks. Really. I appreciate what you did for me. And I know _you _paid _me_ to stay at your place, but if you ever want something in return, ask for Syxe at Body Shots. Fridays only. Free," Cameron said "You didn't tell me you saved _Syxe's _life." Nick stood up and moved to grab the note off him. The other held it out of his reach as the others in the room cackled and laughed.

"Is that from that little hooker of yours?" David smirked.

"You gonna take him up on the offer?" Thad asked mischievously.

"Of course he's not," Kurt said firmly, glaring at Blaine as his boyfriend opened his mouth to speak "He has decent morals, unlike the rest of you it seems."

"Since when is it morally wrong to sleep with hookers?" Wes asked.

Kurt sighed and rolled his eyes and as he replied, Nick was just glad to have someone on his side.

"It's morally wrong to _use _someone for sex."

"But you're paying them."

"Shut up Cameron, no one asked you," Nick snapped, taking advantage of his distraction to snatch the paper away from him and scrunch it up in his hand. Cameron just shrugged and put an arm around his friend's shoulder. His grin should have warned Nick that something was up, but he was still surprised at what the other said.

"I hope you don't have any plans for tomorrow night, because you and I are going to Body Shots and you're getting laid, okay?"

Nick shoved him away. "No, I'm not. And what is with your interest in my sex life? All of you?"

Wes snorted while David laughed, "Because you don't have one?" at the same time that Thad said rather bluntly, "Because you're a pain in the ass."

"And what does that have to do with anything?"

Cameron took Nick by the shoulders and spun him to face him. He shook the brunette gently and said, "Look, just come. This is _Syxe _we're talking about. You'll see what I mean if you come. You seriously need to stop being so uptight about this."

Nick glared. There was really only one reason he didn't want to go. He was afraid that if he went and he saw Jeff there, he wouldn't be able to control himself. He'd hate himself if he ended up sleeping with the guy because he just wasn't that sort of person. He didn't do that to other people.

But he also didn't see a way out of this. If he said no, Cameron would just turn up tomorrow night and force him to go. Either way, he was going to Body Shots and he was going to end up face to face with Jeff – who he hadn't exactly stopped dreaming about either.

"Whatever," he said, noncommittal. Cameron took it as an affirmative and whooped, saying how much Nick was going to enjoy himself once he learned how to relax and stopped taking everything so seriously. But Nick couldn't afford not to take this seriously. He wouldn't be able to accept himself the next day and he would feel forever guilty for doing that to Jeff, regardless of whether he did it for a living or not. It just wasn't right and it wasn't fair.

But since when was anything ever fair?

* * *

><p>For a gay club in Ohio, the place was fairly full. As Nick and Cameron made their way inside and to the bar, the brunette took his first good look at the place. Body Shots was only small but it seemed so much bigger on the inside. Sitting down at the bar gave him a good view of the stage on the other side of the room, taken up by a few dancers moving to the heavy beat of the music ringing in Nick's ears. Bored, he took the drink Cameron had just bought him and sat back, surveying everything and everyone else.<p>

"Cam!"

Nick glanced over as his friend smirked. A young man perhaps a little older than them was approaching. He didn't look entirely out of the ordinary – apart from the way he was greeting Cameron like an old friend.

"Nick, this is Trent. He owns the place," his friend introduced the newcomer, who shook his hand with a welcoming smile. Nick didn't return it – he wasn't in the mood to pretend to be polite. Trent didn't seem to mind and instead settled into a conversation with Cameron, which was impossible not to hear.

"I haven't seen you in a while," Trent said "Thought you got bored."

Cameron laughed. "Bored? How could I get bored of Body Shots? Best gay club in town."

"The only gay club in town."

The pair laughed and Trent excused himself, leaving Cameron alone with Nick once again. The brunette sighed as his friend chuckled to himself, not wanting to know and not really caring. But then he couldn't escape as Cameron leaned down and said to him, "You know, I must have been absolutely _plastered _not to recognise Syxe."

"You talk about him like he's some sort of god." Nick's tone was snarky and annoyed, not liking the way Cameron talked about Jeff. At all.

"You'll see what I mean in a second," Cameron said as he gestured to the other side of the room. The former dancers had left, leaving the stage bare. The music suddenly switched off to accommodate someone speaking into a microphone in order to be heard; Trent.

"Welcome to the stage, two of our favourites – Syxe and Courvoisier!"

New music began to play, somewhat familiar. All eyes were turned to the stage as a lone figure stepped out slowly and Nick frowned as he thought he recognised the brunette from a few nights ago, talking to Jeff. He was dressed in the same red boots Nick had seen him in before, along with dark blue shorts and short-sleeved jacket.

What surprised Nick was that as the brunette began to dance, he opened his mouth and sang.

_So hot  
>Out the box<br>Can we pick up the pace?  
>Turn it up<br>Heat it up  
>I need to be entertained<br>Push the limit  
>Are you with it?<br>Baby, don't be afraid  
>I'm-a hurt ya real good, baby<em>

Courvoisier - or so he assumed – had danced his way out to the front of the stage, earning him a few notes tucked into the top of his boots. But Nick wasn't paying any attention to him anymore – he was fully focused on the blonde beauty in the tight leather pants and black wifebeater that had just stepped out onto the stage from the other side. Syxe (_he's Syxe now, not Jeff, Syxe_) smirked and began to sing, voice pitch perfect and sensual.

And it was about that point that Nick lost all previous thoughts about staying away from him.

_Let's go  
>It's my show<br>Baby, do what I say  
>Don't trip off the glitz<br>That I'm gonna display  
>I told ya<br>I'm-a hold ya down until you're amazed  
>Give it to ya 'til you're screaming my name<em>

The singing should not have been affecting him the way it was. Nick was entranced as the two dancers met at the front of the stage and sang together, at each other, focused on the other with dark smirks, dancing with sharp precision around each other.

_No escaping when I start  
>Once I'm in I own your heart<br>There's no way you'll ring the alarm  
>So hold on until it's over<em>

_Oh, do you know what you got into?  
>Can you handle what I'm 'bout to do?<br>'Cause it's about to get rough for you  
>I'm here for your entertainment<em>

_Oh, I bet you thought I was soft and sweet  
>Ya thought an angel swept you off ya feet<br>But I'm about to turn up the heat  
>I'm here for your entertainment<em>

All Nick wanted was to get closer, but he still had enough rational sense in his head to know that that was a bad idea. So instead he stayed in his seat and tried not to look too uncomfortable as he watched Syxe stand in the middle of the stage and run his hands over his body as he sang alone, Courvoisier's hands joining them.

_It's alright  
>You'll be fine<br>Baby, I'm in control  
>Take the pain<br>Take the pleasure  
>I'm the master of both<br>Close your eyes  
>Not your mind<br>Let me into your soul  
>I'm-a work ya 'til you're totally blown<em>

At the final line Syxe opened his eyes and swept the room with his gaze, finally resting on one person sat at the bar. He stared, dark eyes piercing and Nick couldn't tear his eyes away as the two on stage sang together again, dancing apart and collecting money from the men around the stage.

_No escaping when I start  
>Once I'm in I own your heart<br>There's no way you'll ring the alarm  
>So hold on until it's over<em>

_Oh, do you know what you got into?  
>Can you handle what I'm 'bout to do?<br>'Cause it's about to get rough for you  
>I'm here for your entertainment<em>

_Oh, I bet you thought I was soft and sweet  
>Ya thought an angel swept ya off your feet<br>Well I'm about to turn up the heat  
>I'm here for your entertainment<em>

Syxe dropped to his knees in front of the other dancer as Courvoisier sang with a seductive and deadly smirk, a razor sharp edge to his voice.

_Oh oh  
>Oh oh<br>Oh oh  
>Oh oh entertainment<br>I'm here for your entertainment_

Nick's gaze was still trained on Syxe, so when the blonde took the next few lines and began to roll his hips up as he sang, leaning back on his hands, the brunette didn't miss a second of it. He stared almost unashamedly, forgetting anyone else was even in the room. Those leather pants certainly didn't hide anything and did he like what he saw? The answer was obvious.

_Oooohhh  
>Do you like what you see?<em>

_Wooooaaaahhhh  
>Let me entertain 'ya tell you scream<em>

As Syxe belted out the last word he threw his head back, and Nick shivered, swallowing. He told himself he should _not_ be affected by the guy but he _was_, and he should leave right now but he _couldn't_. He couldn't tear himself away as Syxe gracefully stood and sang the final lines with the other dancer, both pairs of hips swinging and voices perfect as they finished the song.

_Oh, do you know what you got into?  
>Can you handle what I'm 'bout to do?<br>'Cause it's about to get rough for you  
>I'm here for your entertainment<em>

_Oh, I bet you thought I was soft and sweet  
>Ya thought an angel swept ya off your feet<br>Well I'm about to turn up the heat  
>I'm here for your entertainment<em>

The music died off to scattered applause and fistfuls of cash being thrust in the pair's direction. They took it gratefully, casting off a wink or two and letting the odd hand stray where it probably shouldn't. But sooner than Nick would have liked, they made their way off the stage and out of sight.

"If you tell me you don't want a piece of that, I will honestly never speak to you again."

Nick was surprised by Cameron's voice beside him and he jumped before turning guiltily to face him. His friend just chuckled and took another mouthful from his drink. Then, quietly, he spoke to the bartender and slipped him a fifty. The man nodded and passed whatever message Cameron had given him onto a younger guy who ran off to what Nick assumed was what passed for 'backstage'.

"What are you up to?" the brunette asked.

"I said you were gonna get laid tonight."

Nick frowned and began to protest – albeit weakly – but he stopped when Syxe (he was determined to continue calling him by his stage name as long as possible) appeared from 'backstage' and made his way towards the bar. He smirked when he locked eyes on Nick and the brunette swallowed, trying not to notice how he was doing that hip swing again that was incredibly distracting when he was attempting to focus on not jumping him there and then. Syxe hopped up onto the bar, sitting beside Nick and taking his chin in one hand to make the brunette look up at him.

"You called for a body shot?" he purred (_fucking _purred_, what the hell?_) before stripping off his shirt. Nick once again started to protest, but anything he had to say died in his throat as Jeff (_Syxe, Syxe, Syxe, fuck it Nick, get a grip_) called for tequila and swung his legs up onto the bar, leaning back on his elbows. Others in the club had noticed what was going on and they were moving closer, trying not to look too obvious about it. The bartender approached with a shot glass, tequila and salt. The younger man who'd delivered the message gave the blonde a lime wedge and he took it with his teeth, smirking at Nick who was simply staring. With a flick of a wrist, Syxe sprinkled a little salt across his stomach, just above his belly button, and a shot of tequila was placed in front of the brunette.

"Just remember that I paid for this," Cameron said, nudging his friend with a short laugh. Nick stumbled forward and hesitated for just a second.

But then he realised Syxe was still in those tight leather pants and all his morals seemed to vanish into thin air.

He leaned forward and slowly licked the salt from Jeff – Syxe's stomach, feeling him shiver unconsciously. Feeling victorious at this small reaction, Nick threw back the shot and moved for the blonde's mouth. But the second he let go of the lime, Syxe took it from Nick and tossed it aside.

A split second later, and Nick couldn't tell you his own name as Jeff (_oh fuck it_) kissed him hard and dirty.

* * *

><p>Sebastian would probably chew him out for this later, and so would Trent.<p>

But at the moment, Jeff really couldn't care. He owed this to Nick and so here he was, repaying his debt and fulfilling his offer. Nick didn't seem to mind that he was kissing him, so Jeff continued and pulled him closer. For a moment he broke off and whispered in the other's ear, "Remember it's free." And with that, he slid off the bar, grabbed Nick by the wrist and dragged him away, past the other men in the club who watched in disappointment and resentment (_better luck next time_), through to the back rooms. He pulled Nick into an empty one, locking the door behind them before shoving the brunette towards the makeshift bed (really? A mattress on the floor). Nick tripped and fell onto his back, Jeff crawling over him and kissing him again. He hesitated for a moment though, pulling away for the briefest of seconds as his heart pounded for a reason that was scaring the crap out of him. He liked this. He liked kissing Nick, running his hands over that body – and he was beginning to think he'd probably like fucking him too. That wasn't supposed to happen.

But then Jeff was ripped from his thoughts as Nick twisted him onto his back and pinned him under his body. He fought back for control of his head, blanking everything out except what he had to do. He became submissive, letting Nick kiss him and making all the right sounds. Quickly he tugged at the brunette's shirt and pulled it over his head, throwing it to the side. Bucking his hips up to meet Nick's, feeling how turned on he was, the blonde began to kiss down the other's neck, teeth scraping the skin. He felt a surge of satisfaction when Nick had to force their lips and tongues to meet again to cut off a deep moan, before he shoved that feeling away and concentrated on what he was doing.

Jeff's focus was shaken when Nick grabbed fistfuls of his hair, an involuntarily gasp escaping as shockwaves of pleasure were sent coursing through his body. Now he was scared. It wasn't supposed to go like this. He wasn't supposed to feel anything. He wasn't supposed to want to fuck Nick into the mattress, or touch him, even kiss him.

His hands moved to tackle the brunette's jeans, but he barely had the chance to pop the button before Nick was pushing himself away, scrambling to his feet. Jeff stared, panting hard, lying on his back as the other grabbed his shirt from the floor and pulled it on.

"What's the problem?" he asked, hating how he sounded less angry and more confused, more like he wanted Nick back. _Now_.

"I'm not doing this," Nick said, shaking his head.

Jeff got to his knees quickly, grabbing at the brunette's hips in an attempt to stop him from leaving, forcing his mind to places other than where his head was positioned.

"Are you fucking serious?"

"Yes."

The brunette stepped back and out of Jeff's grip, unlocking the door and leaving the room. Angry now, Jeff pulled himself to his feet and followed him.

"What is wrong with you?" he called from the doorway as Nick walked away "Is it me? Because you didn't seem to have a problem with me a minute ago."

When Nick turned around, Jeff was taken aback by the anger and guilt in the brunette's eyes. He couldn't quite make sense of it – but he could make perfect sense of what was being said.

"Why are you so worked up about this? It's not like you fucking care. Like it means something to you."

Nick stormed off back to the club and Jeff assumed he left. But he didn't care. He was too busy trying to stop himself from falling apart right there and just crying. Because if he started crying he knew he'd never stop.

"Jeff?"

The blonde heaved in a breath, chest shuddering with the effort as he looked up to face Sebastian. He was standing just a few paces away, looking confused and worried.

"Are you okay? Did he hurt you?"

Another time Jeff would appreciate his concern. But all he wanted to do now was go home and break down. He was barely holding himself together as it was. He shoved past Sebastian and made his way towards the back exit. He didn't care that he was still supposed to be working. He didn't care that Trent would kill him for this. He had to go.

"Jeff!" Sebastian was following him. Jeff stopped suddenly and turned to face him, shoving the brunette away just as he got close enough.

"Fuck off Seb!" he shouted "I cannot _deal _with you right now!"

Sebastian stopped and simply watched as his friend walked away. Jeff slammed the back door shut behind him as he emerged into the cold night air, the pulsing music of the club fainter now that he was outside. Wrapping his arms around his stomach, he began the walk home, fighting back tears and cursing the day he ever met that too-nice boy with the empty beer bottle and reassuring smile.

* * *

><p><strong>Just in case you weren't sure - yes, Seb is Courvoisier. And since I don't write smut, this is pretty much as sexy as it gets *headdesk*<strong>

**Song is For Your Entertainment by Adam Lambert.**

**I am now going to go hide because I'm pretty sure I'm terrible at this XD Please review?**


	5. Lost

**Hey there everyone, sorry it took me so long to update. I've had some stuff going on in my life - I went away for a week, family came down to visit and then I had a minor car accident as well. But I'm here now, and here's the chapter!**

**First - The absolutely amazing xbelieveinpeace has begun translating this fic into Italian! It's astonishing to me that someone would want to spend the time to translate this fic, so thank you _so_ much Irene, you're brilliant and utterly legendary! I love you to bits!**

**Also, I have created the backstories for our lovely Jeff and Sebastian and I'm pretty sure I'm a terrible person. They will slowly be revealed throughout the fic and much will be explained... all in good time :) But for now, enjoy some lovely angst and depression!**

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><p>Sebastian didn't know what was wrong.<p>

It had been four days since the night Jeff had stormed out of the club and since then the blonde hadn't been the same. He would spend all day in bed, asleep or crying (not that Jeff realised his friend knew), and then at night he would throw himself into his work but bringing little home – he'd spend it all on alcohol before he even returned back to their place. It was worrying Sebastian but every time he tried to ask Jeff about it, his friend would shut down and ignore him or become defensive.

All night he'd been worried about Jeff, trying to focus on his work but all the while hoping he was alright. When he'd finally made it home Jeff wasn't there. Still out, it seemed. But he didn't have to wait long. By the time he'd cleaned off the glitter and slipped into a pair of track pants and a t-shirt, Jeff came stumbling through the door, clearly drunk. Sebastian watched as the blonde tried to get to his bed to sit down but failed, instead falling to the floor beside it in a heap, all red-clad legs and streaked eyeliner. The brunette went to his friend's aid, kneeling down beside him, and got a fist in the face for his efforts.

"Fuck off!" Jeff shouted "Leave me 'lone!"

"Jeff, what the hell is wrong with you?" Sebastian asked, rubbing his jaw "What happened? One minute you're okay, and then that night at the club – something went wrong. Just tell me!"

Jeff refused to answer in favour of attempting to get his boots off. He'd borrowed Sebastian's red ones, saying they made him look taller and 'sluttier'. The brunette didn't understand what was going on with his friend, but he knew it had something to do with that stupid Nick guy. True, he'd saved Jeff's life before, but whatever he'd done now had the blonde in some downward spiral and Sebastian wouldn't hesitate to go beat some sense into the one who'd obviously hurt him.

Although what he'd actually done remained a mystery.

"I care!" Jeff suddenly screamed, startling Sebastian.

"What are you talking about?"

With his face screwed up and body shaking, the blonde showed all the signs that he was about to burst into tears – and Sebastian just couldn't handle that. He tried to reach out, comfort him, _something_, but Jeff shoved his hand away with a sob.

"I fucking do care. I hate him. I care. It means something, it _always_ means something to me, it shouldn't but it _does_, every single time. I care. I liked it, with him, and God I shouldn't but I did! It means something. I hate him. I care. I'm not… I'm not a…"

Jeff paused in his rambling, looking up to stare at his friend with red eyes, face streaked with tracks of eyeliner, and Sebastian saw pain there. Pain and anger and resentment and defeat.

And in a small, broken voice, Jeff said, "I'm a whore. I don't want to be a whore, Sebby."

That nickname more than anything that had happened or been said before alerted Sebastian to the fact that something was seriously not right with his friend. The only times he had ever called him 'Sebby' was when he was incredibly scared or hurt. And over the five years they'd known each other, that had happened a total of three times – every single time was firmly ingrained in the brunette's memory. Memories that were dredged up now as the nickname echoed in the small room and in his ears.

"_I want to see her again! I _need _to! Sebby, please, I have to see her again."_

_"I know, I know how you feel. I'm sorry."_

_..._

_"I'm scared, I'm so scared, please, help me, it hurts, I-I can't… I don't want to die Sebby."_

_"I am so sorry, Jeff, I'm sorry, you're going to be okay, I promise, I won't let you die."_

_..._

_"Why do you keep doing this? It's going to kill you, and I can't sit here and watch you destroy yourself!_ Please _Sebby, just stop using. I'll help you. Please."_

_"…I-I wish I could… You don't underst… I'm sorry."_

Sebastian wrapped his arms around the blonde's shoulders, pulling him close. He couldn't fix what was broken – no one could fix the effects of so many years of pain – but he could do his best to make Jeff better for the moment, numbed on alcohol as he was.

"I know, I'm sorry," he said quietly, his friend shaking from the force of the choking sobs tearing forth from his throat "I'm sorry."

Jeff had been right. He was always saying sorry, and it didn't mean a single fucking thing anymore.

* * *

><p>Kurt could understand why Nick was upset. Not only had Cameron ignored him and forced him to go to the gay club, but he'd plied him with alcohol until he almost screwed a prostitute – something he'd already explicitly stated he wasn't ever going to do.<p>

Nick had every right to be mad.

But to be mad for four days in a row without even talking to Cameron was possibly taking it a little far.

"Are you _still _angry?" Cameron groaned when Nick pointedly ignored him upon entering the café. Wes, David and Thad just rolled their eyes and went back to their own conversation, while Blaine and Kurt exchanged a glance. They understood Nick's anger, but he needed to at least talk it over and get said anger off his chest instead of bottling it all up.

"I think it's more than fair that's he's angry with you," Kurt said as the surly brunette sat next to him, arms folded "It was a stupid thing to do. He said no and you still made him go. But Nick, don't you think you've taken this a little far?"

"Yeah, you were enjoying yourself," Cameron defended himself, looking at Nick as the brunette stared at the table sullenly "_And _you were finally going to get laid when you stormed out so dramatically."

Blaine made a frantic gesture to Cameron to get him to shut his mouth – he was _not_ helping his case at all – but Nick surprised everyone by speaking up, glaring at his friend with all the pent-up fury he'd been holding back. Now they knew why – he was positively _lethal _when he was pissed off.

"Why the hell can't all of you just stay out of my business?" he hissed "I didn't ask you to help and you _didn't_ help, if that's what you thought you were doing. I don't _want _you interfering in my life like that."

Cameron held up his hands in surrender as the three other boys dropped out of their discussion to listen in surprise. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? I thought I was doing you a favour. I didn't think you'd react like this – but maybe you wouldn't be so uptight if you'd actually fucked him."

"You're impossible," Nick growled, getting to his feet "Absolutely impossible."

As the brunette began to stalk away, Thad called out somewhat worriedly, "You're still coming to the wedding, right? You're not going to skip out because you're pissed or something, are you?"

Nick paused. Thad's wedding – to the lovely Ivy – was in just a few days. And thinking about the wedding reminded him how this whole mess had started with Thad's buck's night. Driving home from that mess the boys had gotten themselves into, seeing Jeff on the side of the road… Blinking, Nick brought himself back to the present and nodded, walking out the door of the café.

"I'll be there."

* * *

><p>When Nick finally arrived home, he was still angry – but tired more than anything else. He'd had enough of all this idiocy. He knew that eventually he'd apologise to Cameron and they'd go back to the way they'd been before. They all would. But for some reason, something just didn't feel right about it this time. Not apologising – he was holding a grudge and he knew it. It was a little silly, no longer quite justified. And now that he'd yelled at Cameron he'd be able to say sorry and they'd go back to normal. No, it wasn't apologising that didn't feel right – it was the whole situation. <em>He<em> felt bad. When he'd picked himself up and stormed out that door, he'd heard the confusion and the _want_ in Jeff's voice. There was no mistaking it. Either Jeff was a brilliant actor (and Nick wouldn't put it past him) or the blonde had wanted him to come back. Each had wanted it just as much as the other.

But then he'd said what he'd said.  
><em><br>"Why are you so worked up about this? It's not like you fucking care. Like it means something to you."_

He'd known as soon as he'd said it that it was wrong and stupid. Just hearing that need in Jeff's voice for those few seconds had told him as much. But it wasn't the way it was supposed to be. Jeff wasn't supposed to care. Jeff was a prostitute – he wasn't supposed to have any feelings about what he did, was he? That thought alone had made Nick ill, because it was the complete opposite for him. He didn't just fuck anyone like Cameron did. Call him old fashioned, but he actually cared.

And so he'd said those words in the heat of the moment, angry that they were both essentially taking advantage of each other. Angry that Jeff wasn't supposed to care or have it mean something. Even if it did.

Collapsing on the couch, Nick felt like shit. He wondered for a moment how Jeff felt, but shoved that thought far out of his mind. Dwelling on Jeff wasn't exactly a good idea. But his head had other ideas, and he reached over to the coffee table where a small stack of photographs sat.

Flicking through them idly, Nick blankly stared at the figure the images depicted. He'd handed in his assignment to Celia on the Monday, but he'd gotten two sets printed. This second set had been lying on his table for days, taunting him. Now, as he looked at each one, he forced himself not to look too closely. He didn't want to see the obvious pain on Jeff's face in one photo, the mask that replaced it, so carefully constructed, closing in around the blonde. He saw it all though, and with a sigh he tossed the photos back onto the coffee table. Celia had been astounded by the series, going over each image individually and congratulating him on a nicely-executed task. _Beautiful_, she'd said _He's not just isolated physically, but he's _alone_. You know what I mean? This is why you're the top student._

"I'm sorry," Nick whispered to the air, almost as if hoping the breeze coming in through the open window would carry the words away to the person who needed to hear them.

* * *

><p>Jeff couldn't wait to get drunk.<p>

It was a nice feeling, being numb. That way you didn't have to actually feel anything at all, just a nice fuzzy haze that made him blissfully unaware of his problems – at least, until he woke up the next morning. But then he'd just do it all over again. Maybe one day he'd wake up and all his problems really would be gone. Every night he'd crumple onto his bed and make himself believe that tomorrow, when he woke up, everything would be different. He'd wake up in some nice apartment. He'd have a better job. Sometimes he'd even let himself believe he'd wake up next to someone who'd roll onto their side, smile at him, and whisper 'I love you'.

He wanted to wake up and not be a filthy, drunk whore.

But every single time he cracked open his eyes to see the same old room, with same old Sebastian snorting the same old coke in the same old bathroom, Jeff wanted to die. He wanted to curl up in a ball and cry and just not have to wake up again. But then he'd go out that night and whore himself out and get drunk and the whole damn cycle would repeat. Over and over. He couldn't escape from it, and Jeff was beginning to understand how Sebastian felt when he couldn't have his coke. He couldn't run from the destructive circle but in a way, he _wanted_ it. He needed it. Because as long as he kept falling asleep with that dream in mind, he'd continue to wake up the next morning, and the morning after that and maybe even the morning after that one. He'd keep on going.

But he wasn't sure why. Especially now, as he lay on his stomach on the ratty motel bed, wanting to get up but too weak and sore and without the motivation to really move. In the background he heard someone getting dressed, zipping up pants, heading for the door.

"Pay," Jeff mumbled, managing to lift his head "You didn't…"

The man swore profusely under his breath, most of the curses directed at Jeff, as he plucked some notes out of his wallet and left them on the bedside table. And then he left, slamming the door behind him hard enough to shake the walls.

It took Jeff a little while to summon the energy to even roll over, and then ten minutes more to actually get up. Trembling slightly, he pulled on clothes and collected his payment, counting it carefully. And when he was satisfied he left the room, locking it behind him. He headed up to the front where he left the key with Steve – they were good friends, he and Steve. As good as friends could be when one was a hooker and the other working at the cheapest, dirtiest motel in the district. Not wanting to chat, Jeff headed straight for the nearest bar. He usually preferred to just buy the booze he wanted and drink himself stupid on the kerb, but tonight he didn't care. He just wanted to be numb already.

He wasn't entirely sure what had set this whole mood off – no, that was a lie. He knew _exactly_ what had set him off. Nick's harsh words to him as he stormed out after _that_. _That_ – what Jeff was still dreaming about when he finally fell asleep with his half-hearted promises to himself of a better life. And no, he wasn't going to admit that maybe that guy he woke up next to in his dreams was sometimes rather familiar. He would possibly admit, however, that what Nick had said got to him. It was obvious to anyone anyway.

"_Why are you so worked up about this? It's not like you fucking care. Like it means something to you."_

He always cared. From the moment he'd begun on this road. From the moment he'd first decided he had to sell his body, that he had no other choice. He'd always cared. And every single time had _meant_ something. Maybe not in the way Nick had meant – they weren't special. Jeff had never had anyone special. But they all signified something. He blocked out a lot of his days and what he did, trying to forget, but he would never forget that every single night _meant_ something.

And that night in Body Shots with Nick? That had meant something. That had meant something so different to every other time, every other guy that he dragged backstage to fuck. It wasn't the same. He'd felt something for the first time in a long time and even though it had scared him, he'd kept going. Not just because he'd had to, but because he'd _wanted_ to.

But Nick hadn't.

Why did that upset him so much? He wasn't sure. It wasn't like Nick was really _anyone_. He was just some guy. Granted he'd saved his life, but Nick wasn't anyone special. He was the type to get lost in a crowd rather than stand out. He was just the same as everyone else. But for some reason Jeff – or his body in particular – didn't seem to think so.

"Hey!" a voice called as the unmistakable sound of tyres slowing down on tarmac echoed in the lonely street. Jeff glanced over to see a beaten up old pile of junk pulling up, a man in his late teens or early twenties – younger than him at any rate – behind the wheel.

"Get in."

It wasn't said in any malicious or ill-intentioned way. Jeff knew the difference. This guy wasn't going to drive him somewhere and beat him half to death. At least, he was pretty sure. With a small sigh to himself Jeff stalked over to the car and around to the passenger side, his hip-swinging walk now just habit instead of a conscious effort. He slid into the seat beside the driver and shut the door, saying in a monotone, "I don't do backseats or anything too weird."  
>The driver said nothing and just continued down the road. Jeff let his mind drift away from him, and disappear to that place where he lived in a nice apartment and woke up next to Nic – someone beautiful who told him he loved him.<p>

* * *

><p>The sun was just beginning to rise by the time Jeff stumbled home – but he wasn't drunk. He hadn't had the chance to drink. He'd been busy all night and only now did he have the chance to get home. He was stumbling because he was exhausted and numb all over. Just as he sat down on the edge of his bed he heard Sebastian talk to him but sober, he couldn't block the sound out.<p>

"You're not drunk?"

"Didn't get the chance," Jeff mumbled, shoving his substantial wad of cash into his messenger bag. Since he hadn't blown it all on alcohol he had actually brought home a decent amount and they might even be able to afford the rent this week. He felt bad because Sebastian had been working as hard as he could to cover Jeff's half of the rent but the thought was soon gone – if the brunette was going to steal his money for drugs, he could work a little harder to pay what Jeff wasn't.

"I can help you Jeff. Let me help."

He knew exactly what Sebastian meant. He'd asked before, when things got hard and Jeff felt like running. Running where, he didn't know, but Sebastian would offer and Jeff would turn it down every time. He'd sworn to himself that no matter what, he would never get into the drugs. They didn't help. He'd seen their effects first hand and they didn't _work_.

"No."

"It'll make you feel better. I promise." The brunette sat down beside him and Jeff glanced over. In his hands was a small packet of the white powder that held the answers to all his problems – according to Sebastian. It would make him feel better, make all his issues just disappear, make him forget everything for a little while. Just a little while, and then it would all crash and he'd feel worse than before. And he'd want more and he couldn't handle that. He didn't want to add 'drug addict' to his list of why he was a fucked up human being – that list was long enough as it was.

"No. I can't Seb, you know that."

Sebastian sighed, staring at the cocaine in his hands blankly. "I just want to help. I know it's bad – trust me, I _know _how bad it is, but it would make you feel better. And I can't watch you break yourself apart anymore. It's easier to get high than destroy yourself."

"I'm sorry, I know you want to help but… you can't. I just need to get over this myself. I'll be fine in a week or two – you know that. I'll be okay."

In a move that surprised Jeff, Sebastian sighed and leaned on the blonde's shoulder. "I hope so. You're the only person I have left and I can't lose that. I can't be alone again – I can't lose you."

"Well, I'm not about to throw myself under a bus so you're stuck with me," Jeff managed to smile "I am sorry. It's just… something someone said to me really hurt and I'm just taking a little time to get over it."

"Nick. I'll kill that bastard."

"He saved my life," Jeff pointed out.

"I don't care. I'll kill him.

For the first time in a long time, Jeff laughed. "See? I'm getting better. I'm sorry for being such an ass over the last few days, but I'm getting better."

"At least until the next time," the brunette said with a sad smile, half joking. They knew this wasn't the first time he'd gotten so depressed and it by far wouldn't be the last. Jeff nodded, still smiling.

"Til the next time."

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><p><strong>Thank you so much for all the reviews, every single one of you are amazing. I'll try to update sooner next time!<strong>


	6. Help

**If you're looking for fluff, you might want to run away now. **

**No, I'm just kidding. There will be fluff eventually, scattered here and there. But this chapter is one great big chunk of angst, so prepare yourself! And if any of you happen to follow me on tumblr, you would have seen me randomly posting shit about this chapter. Now you get to see what I was on about ;P (I'm the same name there as I am here, so feel free to go and follow me if you want!)**

**I just want to warn you all that the first part of the chapter deals with rape. Not really graphic or anything, but it's there. ****Also, I spent a fair amount of time researching cocaine and its effects so hopefully I've got everything right.**

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><p>Just when he thought he was getting better, everything went downhill.<p>

Saturday night had started so well. By early morning Jeff had earned enough to cover the remainder of the rent they still needed. In a strange way, he was feeling proud of himself. He was getting over that stupid thing that Nick had said and he was back to doing what he did best. He and Sebastian had drawn in a grabbier-than-usual crowd last night at Body Shots and the cash from the few hours they'd been available had been worth anything they'd been asked to do. And now that he had enough to pay off the rent, Jeff was feeling better about his situation. Sebastian had his drug money, the pressure for rent had eased, they were eating better than they'd previously been able to afford, he wasn't drinking as much – everything seemed to be looking up.

Until he was pulled into a side alley as he made his way back to where Sebastian was waiting for him.

Jeff was surprised at first, an involuntary shout escaping before a hand was clamped over his mouth. He struggled in the strong grip of whoever was holding him, kicking and trying to bite the hand silencing him. The man – it had to be, no woman was strong enough to hold a battling twenty-two year old – pulled him further into the alley where the streetlight's glow didn't reach and shadows hid them from view. The hand was removed as the blonde was shoved into the wall, head twisted to the side and cheek scraping against the rough bricks.

"What do you want?" Jeff spat, still fighting hard.

A hand ran gently down the back of his neck to his hip, where fingers dug in sharply. The man's own hips rocked up against him and there was no mistaking what he wanted.

"You."

Jeff's heart pounded hard against his ribs, fear fuelling him to kick out harder. He hoped that with thick, wedge-heeled boots he could hurt his attacker enough for him to let go. He might be a hooker but there was no way in hell he was just going to take that sort of thing.

"Fuck off," he growled before shouting out for help. But he knew no one would come. With the district the way it was, no one would help him. But he hoped the idea that someone might would scare the guy off.

It didn't. The man simply pressed him harder against the wall, forearm lying across his back. Jeff's chest felt tight and he couldn't breathe properly, let alone shout. He coughed, a dizzy sensation taking over his brain and making him lightheaded – but not faint enough not to feel his attacker's fingers pulling at his shorts. Panic set in but pinned as he was, Jeff's struggles were in vain.

"Please, no, don't," the blonde managed to say when the pressure on his back was released slightly. But then it was back and Jeff just closed his eyes, continuing to mumble lowly, "Please, no, please, don't do this, no, no…"

He was good at blocking things out. He would close his eyes and suddenly his head wasn't his anymore – he was somewhere else, _anywhere_ else. And he would stay here, feeling all the pain and hearing all the sounds but not being in a state of mind where he could comprehend what they meant. He liked his place. It changed from time to time but there was always one similarity between all of them – it was safe. Despite the pain he knew he was safe and that was all he needed. He knew it was one of the few things that kept him sane and as whole as he could be. Without it, he was a broken mess.

When the pain lessened, when he could breathe properly again, Jeff opened his eyes. In a blur of movement he found himself released from the man's hold and, shaky legs not able to support him, he fell to the ground. He felt tears tracking down his face and more still welling in his eyes. His body hurt and burned and stung in a hundred different places.

"You fucking deserved that," came a heavy voice, and Jeff was sent sprawling as a foot connected with his side "Gay little whore."

The blonde heard footsteps thudding away from him. When they finally faded into silence, Jeff broke down. He couldn't even pull himself up off the ground – he just lay there and sobbed. Everything hurt and he wasn't strong enough to get up, and the only thing running through his mind was _I fucking deserved that._

_I'm a gay little whore._

_I'm useless._

_I'm dirty._

_I'm disgusting._

_I'm no good._

_I'm a whore._

_I fucking deserved that._

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><p>It was another fifteen minutes before Sebastian found him.<p>

"Jeff? Where the hell are y- Jeff? Is that you? Are you cr…"

Jeff knew he'd heard him crying and attempted to sit up but failed. Sebastian saw the movement, shrouded by darkness, and came closer. When he saw the damage he stopped in his tracks and an audible gasp escaped him.

"J-Jeff?"

The blonde forced himself to try and sit up again, arms shaking from the effort. He collapsed again but this time Sebastian was there to catch him before he hit the pavement. The brunette cradled his friend's head in his lap, stammering, "What... what h-happened? Jeff? Are you okay?"

Jeff grabbed onto Sebastian's hand, fighting back his remaining tears to say, "You kn-know what happened."

With his free hand he pulled shorts back up, now in a position to do so, but it didn't take away the feeling of being exposed. Sebastian seemed to realise in that split second and he pulled Jeff close to his body, hugging him tightly.

"God, Jeff, I-I'm so sorry, I should have come looking for you sooner, I'm sorry," he said, pain seeping into his voice "I-I know how it feels, I know it hurts, I'm sorry, I'm going to get you home, okay?"

As the brunette accidentally squeezed the forming bruises on his chest and back, Jeff made a small sound of pain. Instantly Sebastian loosened his hold and scrambled to his feet, hauling his friend with him.

"I'm so sorry Jeff."

"S'not your fault, Sebby."

"I was supposed to come and meet you, not the other way around. It would have been me – it should have. It's my fault."

* * *

><p>Sebastian was lost.<p>

He'd managed to get Jeff back to their room and into the shower to inspect what other damage the bastard had done to him. He'd bitten his lip hard when he'd seen the thick bruise spread across Jeff's back, and the tender areas on his chest where he'd been shoved against the wall. And then there was the rape itself…

God, he hated it. _Rape_. He hated how it sounded on his tongue, in his head. He hated what it meant. He hated the memories that were associated with the word. His memories, playing up in the back of his mind as he helped an exhausted and in-pain Jeff to his bed to sleep. They had both always known it was a risk of the job. You couldn't really complain about it, could you? But Sebastian had always been hoping the perverted creeps would never get Jeff. They'd already got him, more than once, but Jeff being safe had seemed to make all those other experiences okay. It was all okay as long as Jeff was fine. Sebastian had been the one Jeff had come to, had trusted, had become friends. He was the older one, the one who knew how bad it could get. He was the one who'd silently promised to protect his friend from that. But now here Jeff was, hurting and broken, and everything was _not _okay.

The brunette slumped down on his own bed, sleep teasing his eyelids and bringing them down. He blinked, not wanting to dream tonight. But he couldn't stop it – soon enough he was passed out cold, and the dreams came.

"_You haven't paid."_

_"I'm trying Max, I really am! I'll get you your money, I promise!"_

_A derisive laugh. Chuckles. "You know what? You're cute."_

_"W-What?"_

_"How about I forget that little debt of yours? Would you like that?"_

_"What would I have t-to do?"_

_"That's my boy. You're learning. You'd just have to pay for your little habit another way."_

_"How?"_

_A smirk, cold and cruel. "You want the drugs, you have to work for me."_

_"B-But you're a pimp!"_

_A hand tight on his arm, pulling him away. Too small to fight back. "That's exactly my point."_

_"No! I'll pay you! I promise!"_

_A hand over his mouth. Too skinny and small and young to escape. _

_Too late now._

* * *

><p>When Jeff awoke it was late morning, if the sunlight from the window was anything to go by. He groaned, his entire body aching. He didn't want to move at all and for a moment he couldn't remember why he was in so much pain.<p>

When it all returned to him, Jeff buried his head in his pillow and screamed.

It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair. Everything had been going so well and he was getting better, and now here he was – an absolute mess. He wanted numbness more than anything, both from the soreness and from having to think clearly. Thinking coherent thoughts meant thinking about what had happened, and he wasn't ready to deal with that.

He knew he was being stupid and weak. He remembered just a year ago, when he'd come home from working and found Sebastian trying to cover up darkening bruises. They'd talked about it, the brunette saying it was nothing, but then Jeff had seen the pain that would flash across his face when he walked – and at first he'd just thought it had been a rough job, but it didn't take long for him to realise. They didn't mention it; Sebastian was always evasive. But he knew. And here he was crying about how it had happened to him.

He didn't know a lot about Sebastian's past. The brunette had been working for a long time, he'd been on coke for just as long, and he'd also been through a whole lot more of the bad stuff than Jeff had; that was all. And things like this would happen that would make Jeff wonder just what had gone on in the brunette's life that he was so afraid of saying out loud. Why did Sebastian refuse to get himself clean? Why did he feel the need to protect him?

But that could wait. What he wanted right now was to numb everything. Forget if he could, or at least shove the memory as far back in his mind as he could so he would never have to see it again. With a deep sigh, Jeff rolled onto his back and sat up slowly, wincing a little as the skin of his back and the bruise there stretched. Looking around, he realised the room was empty (and he was glad for that, as it meant Sebastian hadn't heard him scream upon awakening). Stuck to the door was a message that Jeff had to crawl out of bed and walk carefully over to be able to read.

_Gone to sort out the rent. Be back as soon as I can, but you know how Shan gets sometimes._

_Seb_

Jeff stumbled to the bathroom, gripping the edge of the sink tightly to avoid falling over, and stared at himself in the mirror. He counted every one of the small scratches on his face where he'd been shoved into the wall, and the tender red areas and the faint bruises on his bare chest. Turning around and looking over his shoulder, he caught a glimpse of the thick purple-blue mark spanning his back and felt sick. These were just the physical marks that had been left behind.

The need for numbness was suddenly more prevalent and his gaze fell on a small packet of white powder just lying innocently next to the sink.

* * *

><p>"You may now kiss the bride."<p>

Nick smiled as the newlyweds leaned in, Thad wrapping his arms around Ivy's waist and kissing her. There was scattered applause and sounds of approval from all and the brunette distinctly saw Thad smile before he pulled away. Distracted from the pair by someone nudging him in the ribs, he glanced over at Blaine beside him, who simply grinned.

"I think Wes and David are more excited than Thad is," he said, gesturing to the two best men (Thad hadn't been able to choose one over the other) who were chattering to each other with massive grins on their faces. Meanwhile, Thad and Ivy made their way back down the aisle, happily laughing and trying not to stare into each other's eyes too much. Nick chuckled to himself at the best men as they walked over to him and Blaine, dodging other wedding-goers who were heading out to the reception.

"I'm so proud of our boy!" Wes said, pretending to wipe away a tear. David laughed and added, "I know! He's all grown up!"

"You sound like you're his gay dads," Kurt said, speaking up from next to his boyfriend. Blaine smiled at him while the two in question just scoffed. Nick just rolled his eyes, looking over to where the newly married couple were having photos taken. They looked so happy together, Thad with his arms around Ivy and both laughing and enjoying themselves.

The wedding had been perfect in Nick's opinion, thanks to the hard work of Ivy and her sister. They had managed to find the most beautiful garden setting and make it twice as brilliant. The ceremony itself was short, simple and had made everyone smile. Sillier vows (_I promise not to talk to you in the mornings before you've had your coffee_) had been slid in between more serious ones and neither Thad nor Ivy were able to take their eyes off each other.

Nick was pulled from his thoughts by Cameron arriving – loudly.

"Hey!" he said "Apparently we're all wanted for photos!"

The group chuckled and made their way over to their now-married friend and his wife. Ivy smiled as they approached, pushing her dark red curls back over her shoulder and gesturing for them to come closer.

"We're both glad you could all make it," she said, welcoming each of them with a hug that was always returned. They all adored Ivy and Thad had often joked that they probably spent more time with her than he did.

"We wouldn't miss this for anything," Kurt said, before (once again) commenting on the beauty of Ivy's dress. The pair chatted for a moment while Thad pulled the others aside.

"Seriously, I didn't get a chance to say this earlier, but thank you for coming."

Nick laughed, "Of course we were going to come! It's your wedding, Thad."

Thad opened his mouth to reply but a call from the photographer pulled them all away. After a tiring and seemingly endless series of photos later, the group was set free. Nick heard Cameron say something about food, but was distracted by his mobile buzzing from his jacket pocket. With a sigh he excused himself and ducked away, pulling his phone out and checking the ID. It was an unknown number. Curious, Nick picked up the call.

"Hello?"

"_Nick? That you?_" a breathless voice asked, sounding familiar.

"What… who – Jeff? Is that you?" He remembered giving Jeff his number but he'd never really thought he'd hear from him. He was surprised the blonde had even kept it.

"_Hi!_" Jeff giggled, coughing as he took a breath. Nick frowned, confused as to what was going on. "Jeff? Are you okay?"

"_Mm-hmm, I'm okay_," Jeff replied, sighing happily "_You wanna come over?_"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"_I think it'd be cool if you came over. You know, and then we could finish what we started back at the club. I really want to_." Jeff seemed to be rambling and not quite in the right frame of mind "_I do. I really want to. Like, I've been thinking about it a lot. I want you to come and make me feel better. Please Nicky-Nick?_"

Nick just stared at the ground, contemplating hanging up. But the guy on the other end certainly didn't sound like he was clear-headed, meaning something was up. And his reasoning behind giving Jeff his number had been to help him if he needed it.

"Are you drunk?"

"_No,_" Jeff said petulantly "_Can't go out and get anything to drink. I can't walk right._"

"Are… are you on something?"

"_You know what? Seb was right, this shit is _good_, like, really good. I want more, but there's none left and Seb's gone. The asshole._"

Nick sighed, "What have you taken?"

"_Mmmm, I don't want to tell you._" Now he sounded sad "_You'll be mad with me_."

"I'll be mad if you don't tell me."

A sigh. "_Fine. But Seb will be mad with me. I kind of stole it from him, 'cause I didn't ask – but he wasn't here! Otherwise I would have asked, but he wasn't here so I just took it. _He'll_ be mad with me, I know he will_..."

"Jeff!" Nick said, exasperated and worried at the same time "What did you take?"

"_I snorted some of Seb's coke,_" Jeff replied in a small voice _"Actually, kind of all of it. He's gonna be so mad. Nicky, you have to come and not let him get mad at me. He likes his coke, he'll be so mad._"

Nick glanced around, seeing his friends waiting for him. They gestured for him to hurry up so they could move on. With a sigh, he realised he didn't really have a choice. He could leave Jeff to his own devices, which was potentially life-threatening in his state, or go and find him, make sure he was okay. The decision was already made for him.

"Where are you?"

Jeff reeled off his address, adding that Nick should hurry in case 'Seb' came back and got angry at him. He told him he was on his way and to sit tight. Hanging up, the brunette headed back to his friends, wondering how he was supposed to tell them he was ditching the wedding to go help a high-as-a-kite hooker.

"Are we getting food?" Cameron asked as Nick approached.

"I'm really sorry guys, but I think I'll just go," he said, apologetic. They all stared at him, questioning him as to just why he was leaving. Not wanting to give them the real reason, he told them he wasn't feeling well and that he was going home to lie down.

Suspicious, David asked, "Who just called you?"

"No one special," Nick said as he turned to leave "I'm sorry, I am!"

* * *

><p>It took him five minutes to reach the address Jeff had given him. Leaving his jacket in the car, he walked hesitantly up to the front door of the building and pushed it open. The hall ahead of him was long and narrow, ending in a stairway to the next floor. Recalling the number Jeff had said was scrawled on his door, Nick searched the dark, dirty hall for the right one. He got more than a few stares from people he passed, but for the most part they let him be and he ignored them as best he could. No one was about to question his motives. Finally he found the right door – <em>3<em> written on it alongside other 'messages' – and tried the handle.

It opened easily and he looked inside. The room was small, with two single beds with headboards pressed against the far wall and a door to the left that was slightly ajar. Nick walked in, forcing himself to ignore the poor conditions in which Jeff obviously lived. It wouldn't do him any good to start thinking about that.

"Jeff?"

"No," a voice drawled, a little slurred, coming from the direction of the half-open door. Uncertain, Nick cautiously walked over and looked in. Jeff was half lying, half sitting on the floor of the bathroom, eyes red and bloodshot and almost closed. He blinked as Nick entered and a terrified expression appeared on his battered face – the brunette took in all the injuries, horrified.

"No," he mumbled, trying to scramble back against the wall "No, don't, please."

"What happened to you?" Nick knelt in front of Jeff, not sure what to do. The blonde stared at him with fear blazing in his unfocused eyes, lashing out. Nick had to duck back to avoid being hit.

"No! I told you! Not again! Please, please, no."

"Jeff! You called me!" Nick sighed "Look, you need to go to hospital, you're high…"

Jeff shook his head wildly, and it took the brunette a moment to realise that it had turned into his whole body convulsing violently, eyes rolling back in his head. In horror he grabbed Jeff and hauled him to his feet. There was only one thing he could do.

Getting him out of the room and down the hall was the easy part, despite the fact he was shaking hard enough to fall apart. No one stopped him or asked what he was doing. They barely batted an eyelid at the man in a tux all but dragging a shuddering, half-dressed blonde out of the building. The hard part was getting him into the backseat of the car, but once he'd managed that Nick slid into the driver's seat and headed straight for the hospital.

* * *

><p>When Sebastian returned to their room, the door was wide open. With a cautious frown, he stepped inside and looked around.<p>

"Jeff? You here?"

He knew Jeff shouldn't – and probably wouldn't – be going anywhere. From experience he knew it wouldn't be much fun to move too much. So where was he? After getting no reply, Sebastian moved to check the bathroom. The blonde wasn't there, but the small empty packet on the tile floor told him exactly what had happened.

Sebastian was pretty sure his heart had stopped for a moment. The empty packet (_it was full when I left_) could mean only one thing. Jeff had snorted the whole lot. And for someone who'd never done coke before, that didn't bode well at all. Trying to quell the raging terror that made his chest tighten, Sebastian pulled out his phone with shaking hands. Tapping the keys, he grew frustrated the longer his cracked device took to make the call. Finally it connected and he held the phone to his ear, waiting.

"_Uh… hello?_" An unfamiliar voice answered hesitantly and Sebastian, preparing to yell at his friend in panic, lost all momentum and just stuttered, "Who… who the hell? What?"

"_You're looking for Jeff?_" the person on the other end asked.

"Of course I'm fucking looking for Jeff. Who the hell are you and what are you doing with his phone?" the brunette shot back, confused.

"_Oh… uh… look, if you're a friend of his, you might want to get down to the hospital..._"

Sebastian's mouth went dry and he stared at the opposite wall. All that made sense in his head was 'hospital' and he knew he needed to get there now.

"Is he okay?" he asked hoarsely.

"_He uh, he OD'd on cocaine… the doctors are working on him now, said they're not sure if he's gonna be okay._" The voice sounded worried, stressed. Sebastian's knees went weak and he slid to the floor, back against the wall. This couldn't be happening. He had wanted to get Jeff high, but only because it would take the pain away and he couldn't stand to see his friend hurting. He'd never wanted this. Guilt washed over him, thoughts rushing through his head. _I should have put it somewhere he wouldn't see it. I shouldn't have just left it there. I should have stayed here. I shouldn't have left him alone. _

"_You still there?_"

"Y-Yeah," Sebastian coughed "St Alexander's?"

"_Yeah. Um… it would kind of help if I knew who you were…_"

"Sebastian. I-I live with him."

"_Oh… Okay. Well, uh… I guess I'll see you in a minute or something…_"

And with that awkward ending the other person hung up, leaving Sebastian alone and crying into his knees, unable to stop the tears coming because _this is all my fault and God, what if I've killed him?_

* * *

><p>Nick didn't particularly like hospitals. It wasn't as if he'd had any bad experiences or anything – he just didn't like them. They seemed cold and dead to him. No life. They symbolised death and sickness and he always felt a little strange when he was in one.<p>

As he sat in the plastic waiting room chair, scuffing his shoes on the hard floor, Nick thought about why he was there. Why he, of all people, was the one to be sitting in this hospital waiting on the news as to whether an overdosing hooker was going to survive or not.

Was he too nice? Had he been stupid, stopping to protect Jeff from those idiots with the shovel? No, it couldn't have been then. That was just the good thing to do. It was probably when he invited Jeff back to his place that the stupidity began. He would never really know why he'd done that. He could say he'd been trying to help him all he wanted – but that didn't make it the whole truth.

Then that damn night at Body Shots… that hadn't gone down well. He'd never meant to say something so mean to Jeff, but he'd been angry. Angry at Cameron for pushing him, and at Jeff for seducing him, and at himself for not being strong enough to push him away to begin with. For letting it all start and then almost getting carried away.

And now here they were. Jeff calling him in the middle of Thad's wedding, high as a kite, begging him to come over. Jeff screaming at him to get away when he'd gotten there. Jeff having some sort of seizure on the bathroom floor and Nick not sure what to do. Jeff in the hospital with the possibility of not coming out alive.

"My friend is here and I don't give a fuck what you say, I'm going to find out what the hell is going on with him."

Nick heard the argument coming from the reception desk and curious, he stood up to go and find out what was going on. An incredibly familiar brunette boy (_the one Jeff had been ignoring, the other dancer_) was yelling at the poor woman behind the desk. She was trying to give him an answer he didn't like – that he couldn't just go barging in.

"Are you Sebastian?" Nick called just as the boy seemed ready to explode with anger. The taller turned and when he laid eyes on Nick, glared.

"I remember you. You're Nick."

"Y-Yes…" He wasn't quite sure what Jeff had been saying about him. He told the woman that Sebastian was okay and that he could come through. The boy followed him quietly to the waiting room, but the moment they were alone Nick found himself pinned to the wall, Sebastian's arm pressed hard against his throat.

"Now you listen, and you listen carefully, alright?" he hissed "I suppose I'm kind of grateful that you saved Jeff's life in the first place. But that all went out the window when you hurt him that night at the club. I don't know what you said, but it hurt him enough to make him drink himself to sleep for four nights straight. He was a mess. And now all I want to know is what the _fuck_ you were doing with Jeff today."

He removed his arm and let Nick back to the ground. The younger brunette coughed and stared, stunned and a little afraid. He could see why Jeff had been scared of 'Seb' getting mad, but the other's attitude didn't quite sit right. If Sebastian was so scary, why was he worried about Jeff?

"I didn't do anything," he explained "He called me while he was high and practically begged me to come over. I only came to help him out. When I got there he started going into convulsions so I got him here as fast as I could."

Sebastian stared at him with wide eyes, running a hand through his hair and seemingly torn as to whether to rip his throat out or not. "Is he okay?" he finally asked in a small, quieter voice.

"I don't know. I haven't heard anything."

The pair fell into silence and for the next half an hour they sat at opposite ends of the waiting room, deep in their thoughts. Nick mulled over what Jeff's friend had said earlier.

"_I don't know what you said, but it hurt him enough to make him drink himself to sleep for four nights straight."_

Had Jeff really done that? Had those angry words actually hurt him enough to make him act like that? Nick bit his lip. He didn't like that thought at all. He had never meant to hurt Jeff and to hear he'd done so in such a strong way made him uneasy. If Jeff made it, he would have to apologise for what he'd said.

If. That brought him back to the issue at hand. According to the emergency workers, there was a fair chance that Jeff wouldn't make it through. He'd told them not to give up and let him die – that they had to fight to keep him alive as long as they could. He didn't want anyone dying on him. But as the minutes passed with no news, Nick began to wonder just what was going on.

Finally a woman of about thirty in a nurse's uniform approached the waiting room and said quietly, "Did either of you bring the cocaine overdose in?"

Nick and Sebastian both stood, glancing at each other as they moved quickly to find out what was going on. She held up her hand as they opened their mouths to question her.

"He's alright for now. In fact, he should be okay soon enough. He's lucky – that's the worst overdose case I've seen. I can't begin to imagine how much he took."

Nick saw Sebastian's face fall and how he struggled to keep looking at the woman instead of staring at the floor. He felt guilty. According to Jeff, the coke had belonged to 'Seb' which meant this entire thing was basically his fault. But the way the brunette was acting; worried, nervous, even a little scared, told Nick that there was no way he'd wanted this to happen.

"But that's not what I wanted to talk to you about-"

Sebastian cut her off. "Can I see him?"

The woman stared at him with narrowed eyes as she replied, "There's something important I need to ask you both about first. Besides, he's asleep at the moment."

She paused for a brief second, making sure both were listening carefully to her before continuing carefully. "Many cocaine overdoses are accidental, as the actual amount for an overdose varies greatly from person to person. But due to… other circumstances, we may have reason to believe…"

"Jeff didn't try to kill himself," Sebastian interrupted again "I'm the closest thing he has to family and I know him better than anyone. It was an accident."

The nurse glared at him openly now but kept her tone calm and official. "_Jeff_ had other injuries that weren't related to the overdose that we're concerned about. There were a number of bruises and other scrapes and cuts that were a little older. These, along with other injuries, have led us to believe that he may have been raped."

Nick blinked, stunned. _Raped?_ He couldn't help but cast a suspicious eye over at Sebastian as a sick feeling rose in his stomach. The other brunette didn't seem to notice his glance, but he was clearly fighting hard to keep a straight face and not give anything away – his lip was trembling, his hands were shaking and his eyes wide and staring at the nurse blankly.

"Would either of you know anything about that?"

Nick shook his head, watching Sebastian do the same almost automatically. For a split second, he thought he saw guilt flash in the other's eyes but then it was gone, replaced with cold hardness.

"We'll have to get the police in to talk to him when he wakes up, as well as you two – which one of you brought him in?"

"I did," Nick said quickly "I'm just a friend of his. N-Not even that, really."

The nurse looked him up and down, eyeing off the tux. Sebastian watched him carefully, one eyebrow raised. However, neither said anything and the nurse simply told both of them that they could stay and wait or leave if they wanted, but that the police would want to talk to them eventually. When she left, Nick slumped down in a chair and dropped his head into his hands.

"Is it true?"

He glanced up when he got no response. Sebastian was standing in the middle of the waiting room, arms folded across his chest defensively and head down. It was at that moment that Nick took a decent look at the guy who was essentially the whole cause of this incident – even if he hadn't meant it to happen. He was fairly tall, light brown hair swept up off his forehead and dark blue – green? – eyes now lifted to stare directly at him. The baggy, torn jeans hung halfway down his hips but it was the suspiciously familiar black wifebeater that made Nick look down again. It reminded him of Jeff, and that brought him right back to the conversation at hand.

"Is what true?" The answer finally came, just a quiet sigh.

"Don't screw with me. You know exactly what I mean."

Sebastian snorted, "Like you even fucking care. Why the hell does he have your number anyway?"

Nick looked up, angry. "I gave it to him when he stayed at my place in case he ever needed help."

"He's got me for that!"

"Well you're doing a fine fucking job of it, aren't you?" Nick wasn't sure why or when he'd started shouting and his voice became louder and louder as he continued "Your friend's lying in the hospital because of an overdose on your fucking coke, and _is it true that someone raped him?_"

Suddenly he was slammed against the wall again, arm to his throat, fighting to breathe as Sebastian, an inch away, yelled, "Are you saying it's my fault? Because I _know _it's my fault, okay? You don't have to keep telling me and going on about what a fucking saint you are! It's bullshit!"

With a violent shove Nick managed to push his attacker away from him, rubbing his throat as air returned to his lungs. His next shout was hoarse and rough, "You know what? I'm no saint but I am fucking better than you. I'm not the one who's a drug addict and letting his friend nearly kill himself. I'm not the one who Jeff was terrified of, hoping you wouldn't find out. I-"

He saw the punch coming and ducked down to avoid it, but it was followed swiftly by a knee jerking up and smashing into his chin. Sebastian easily knocked him over by kicking his feet out from under him and Nick hit the floor hard. The attacker climbed onto his chest and slammed his fist down into Nick's face. Fighting back, Nick lashed out and landed a heavy blow to Sebastian's jaw. A second later it was followed by a fist to his gut and Sebastian rolled off, breathless.

It was then that hospital staff came and broke up the fight, holding both men back to avoid any more conflict. But the argument didn't stop there.

"Go fuck yourself," Sebastian snarled.

"I thought that was your job."

"Asshole."

"No thanks."

"Okay! Break it up! That's enough!" someone shouted over the growls and the insults. The pair were dragged to the entrance and thrown out, and told they wouldn't both be allowed back in at the same time. When the doors shut, Nick glanced over at his rival as he rubbed his cheek. The other brunette was stumbling to his feet and walking off, cursing violently.

"Hey!"

Sebastian turned and Nick was taken aback as he saw a few tears streaked across his face.

"Don't fucking talk to me! Why don't you go back to your perfect life and I'll go back to being a fucking failure and a lesser human being, okay?"

Nick stared as Sebastian stalked off, one hand to his stomach and the other in a tight fist at his side. That sick feeling was returning to his own stomach, making him feel like throwing up.

He really should just learn to keep his stupid mouth shut.

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you for reading, and please review!<strong>

**Random Note: I may not be updating as 'regularly' (I know ;P) as I usually do as I am just about to start my uni course and it involves reading things like _Hard_ _Times_ and _Othello_. A lot of reading. And essay writing. So we'll just have to see how that effects my fanfics...**


	7. Losing Control

**So here's the next chapter - it took me forever but I hope you all enjoy it! And if you'll all excuse me, I had an exhausting day today (hiking through the bush, but it was so worth it XD) and it's half past midnight and I'm going to go to sleep. Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>When Jeff woke, he felt shaky and weak all over. He hated the feeling – he couldn't move properly, his arms wouldn't lift when he tried and his muscles were so sore; but he couldn't remember why.<p>

Blinking his eyes open, Jeff found himself staring at an unfamiliar white ceiling, and instantly panic flashed through him. Fear overrode any weakness or pain and he forced himself to a sitting position, looking around wildly at his surroundings. Seeing that he was in a plain white hospital room, curtains separating him from potential others in the room, only scared him further. And being there alone – without anyone he knew or trusted – was the final straw.

He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and slid off. His knees buckled as his feet hit the floor and he had to grab the bed in order to stay relatively upright. He must have made a sound because a curtain was swept aside, surprising him, and a young nurse appeared in the opening. She tried to calm him down but only panicked him more.

"You're okay, you're in the hospital. No one is going to hurt you."  
><em><br>What does she know? _ he thought frantically as she held out her hands to seem less threatening _What happened to me?_

He wasn't aware of sounds or words coming out of his mouth, but when the nurse replied to them he assumed he must have said something. "Seb? Is he your friend? He's down in the waiting room; he's been there since you came in. Apart from a slight altercation, but that's nothing to do with you," she added hastily "I can get him for you, but you need to calm down and get back in your bed."

Jeff, now mindful of his speech, mumbled, "I need Seb." Slowly, with gentle encouragement from the nurse, he crept back into the bed he'd just tried to escape from, kicking the sheets down to the end and hugging his knees to his chest. When he was settled, the nurse promised once more to fetch his friend for him and left, pulling the curtain closed behind her.

He didn't know what had happened. He could only remember flashes, snippets of what could have been anything from a week to a single day. He recalled the feeling of something hard being pressed against his back. A worried Sebastian trying his best to hide his emotions and appear calm. Staring at his bruised reflection in the mirror. A familiar face… Nick…

How did Nick, the guy who'd inadvertently set him on a four day tailspin, end up featuring in the small parts of his memory he could recover? Maybe he was the cause of all this. That made some sense. Maybe he'd said something else, or done something – who knew? Maybe Sebastian did.

All these maybes were killing his head.

As his thoughts became less coherent to his own mind, Jeff heard the curtain being pulled back again and he looked up, half expecting the nurse and half hoping for Sebastian. He could have collapsed completely as he saw his friend standing there, a dark bruise along his jawline, staring at him with relief.

"Seb," he choked out, reaching out faintly with one arm. Sebastian was there in a heartbeat, on the edge of the bed, wrapping his arms around Jeff and letting him relax against his chest. The blonde hated feeling like this, but knowing Sebastian wasn't in one of his snarky moods and was willing to hold him until he was okay made him feel infinitely better. Not that he would ever be okay, but it was the thought that counted.

"What happened?" he asked quietly after a long moment of silence.

"You don't remember?"

"Not really. Just… bits and pieces."

The brunette took a deep breath to ready himself before replying, the hesitation clear in his voice. "You overdosed on coke."

Jeff froze and looked up. There was an immense amount of guilt on Sebastian's face that he was trying to hide, but after so long as friends and of having each other's back, there was nothing he could ever hide from Jeff.

"How?"

"You took it while I wasn't there, snorted too much. You… you almost died. You've been out for nearly three days now."

The blonde close his eyes, taking a moment to let that sink in. He almost died. Right now, he should be dead and cold. It sounded like pure luck had kept him alive. Whether it was good luck or bad luck remained to be seen. But one question was niggling at the back of his mind and he voiced it aloud, quietly.

"Why did I do it? Was it on purpose?"

Sebastian swallowed. "You honestly don't remember anything?"

Jeff shook his head and his friend seemed to take a moment deciding on something, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. Finally, he answered the initial question in a soft tone, "I don't know."

"I'm not stupid, Seb. Don't lie to me."

"If you don't remember, I'm not going to make you relive what happened. I don't even know if that was why you took the coke," Sebastian retorted.

"_What happened?_" Jeff snapped "You owe me the damn truth!"

Almost ashamed, Sebastian turned his head away as he reluctantly answered, "You were raped."

And with those words, it was like a floodgate had opened and suddenly that night rushed back to him in an overload of colour and sound and sensation. He recalled the whole ordeal in what seemed like fast forward, everything happening too fast to really see what was going on, but he didn't need vision to remember the _feeling_ of the man's hands on him, of his arm across his back. The _feeling_ of his attacker using him and hurting him and throwing him to the ground when he was done like some piece of trash.

"I remember."

"That's why I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want you to have to remember that," Sebastian said quietly. Jeff released his own grip on his friend and pulled back, hands moving to Sebastian's shoulders. He shook him gently, making sure there was eye contact before he spoke. "It's okay. You don't have to feel so guilty all the time. It's not always your fault. In fact, it's hardly ever your fault. Please don't be like this."

The brunette sighed and made to apologise, but one frown from Jeff had him shutting up and just nodding. Jeff saw his usual cold, blank mask beginning to return, covering his guilt and his sadness. It happened all too often for the blonde's liking. Sebastian would slip a little, show some compassion and actually show he cared about him, and then it would be gone the next day. Right now he was so clearly falling back into his usual sarcastic, bitchy self and Jeff hated it.

"I wish you wouldn't do that."

"Do what?" Sebastian asked bitterly, obviously still blaming himself despite what his friend had said.

"Hide away. One minute you have feelings and the next you couldn't care less. Why do you always do that?" Jeff shook Sebastian again "Why do you keep hiding? Especially from me? I don't understand how you can trust me enough to have your back, but not enough to tell me about you. I don't even know your real last name, and we've known each other for five years. You just keep hiding and avoiding it and drowning your sorrows in coke and it hurts, Seb. It hurts to watch you break like that."

"Since when did this become about me?" the brunette snapped, standing up "This isn't about me. This is about you. _You_ got hurt, _you_ overdosed, _you _called Nick to save your stupid life."

Jeff was prepared to argue back but was surprised by that last little comment. "Wait, what? Nick?"

"You were so high you called Nick to come and save you." Sebastian folded his arms across his chest "The same guy who sent you into four nights of drinking yourself to sleep, and the same guy who tried to beat the fucking crap out of me." He gestured to the bruise on his face "That's your _saviour's_ work."

Jeff could scarcely believe it. Nick, who looked so innocent and gentle and had saved his life, had _attacked _Sebastian? But he knew if he was going to believe either of them, it would be Sebastian. He barely knew Nick. That could be just what he was like. But still questions and confusion tugged at his mind. What could have happened to provoke a fight? Who had started it? "What… why? I don't…"

"Because I'm a useless friend and something less than a human being, that's why. Which, you know, you already figured. I'm so fucking screwed up and I'm _sorry_ I can't tell you about me, I'm _sorry_ I'm such a hopeless case, I'm _sorry _that it hurts too much to even think about. I'm _sorry _I couldn't protect you." Sebastian was shouting now, and the nurse had appeared to tell him he had to be quieter, there were other patients to think about. Jeff tried to warn her not to get involved but it was too late. The brunette flung his arm out and pushed her away violently, blinded by anger and pain. Jeff tried to get to his feet to stop him but stumbled, gripping the bed to keep from crashing to the floor. Sebastian saw him trip and instantly the rage died from his eyes and he rushed forward to help him up.

"I'm sorry, I just… I can't do this right now. I almost lost you and… fuck this. Why did I even talk to you back then? Why did I let us become friends?"

"Because you felt sorry for me," Jeff mumbled into his shoulder, repeating words he'd heard from his friend time and time again, joking and serious.

He pushed Sebastian around until he saw the damage he'd caused – the nurse scrambling up from the floor, holding her cheek in one hand - and his jaw dropped in horror. He made sure Jeff was on the bed before going to her side, though it was clear the emotional side of him was starting to die already.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to," he said, steadying her on her feet before shooting one last look at Jeff. And the blonde saw the mask was back in place, that Sebastian was cold and heartless again without a care in the world – and it hurt. He was locked out again.

As Sebastian left, Jeff couldn't help but recall that bruise on his friend's jaw and who had given that to him. Nick had a lot to answer for.

* * *

><p>"Are you ever going to tell me who gave you that shiner?" Dean laughed as he helped his friend clear off an empty table. Nick just rolled his eyes. "No. So you can stop asking."<p>

The pair, loaded with dirty dishes, made their way towards the kitchen at the back of the café they worked at. They'd met at their shared photography class and when Dean had been searching for a job, Nick had put in a good word for him with the boss. It always made the dull and boring work that much easier to handle when the pair were on shift together. Dean continually cracked jokes, usually at Nick's expense, and they spent most of their time during slow periods just chatting. Now that the main rush was over the two were just clearing tables and with nothing to really occupy Dean's mind, he was more persistent that usual.

"You must have pissed him off really bad," he chuckled "For him to beat you up like that. Did you at least get him back?"

"I got in a few hits," Nick said absent-mindedly. He headed into the kitchen when Dean on his heels and dumped the load of plates and glasses on the bench. The kitchenhand, a skinny boy of seventeen they'd all taken to calling Dobby due to his fairly large ears, glared at them when they entered with the massive stack of washing up to do. Nick just smirked at him. "Sorry Dobby. It was a big table."

"Yeah, like you're actually sorry," the redhead sighed, collecting it all and disappearing.

Dean and Nick slipped back out, keeping an eye out for any new customers but relaxing, knowing there would be few now that the rush was over. Usually Nick would relish this time – it was only another two hours until he got off – but now that Dean was determined to find out what had happened to him, he knew it wasn't going to be a pleasant break. He liked Dean, he honestly did, but he had the habit of becoming nosy and demanding – a feature now coming into play as the dark-haired man poked his shoulder playfully.

"So," he persisted "How'd it start?"

"You want to know?" Nick snapped "I insulted a guy and practically told him he was worthless and useless. So he hit me. And I fucking deserved it too."

He didn't mean to be so harsh. Dean was just inquisitive and it wasn't his fault. Ever since the whole fight with Sebastian in the hospital Nick had been angry and upset. Trying to explain to Thad why he'd ditched his wedding without telling him the truth was a pain in the ass, and all of his friends were hounding him for what had really happened. _If you went home, where'd you get the bruises?_ He was so tired of lying and ruining things. He just couldn't seem to do anything right – he'd left one of his best friends for a hooker, he'd beaten another of the latter category up, he'd lied to his friends about what he'd done and where he'd been – it was all just too hard.

As Dean stepped back and ducked his head, chastised, Nick's phone began to ring from where he'd stashed it under the countertop. Seeing as there was nothing to be doing, he quickly fetched it and checked the number. It was one he didn't recognise, and he figured there'd be no harm in picking up.

"Hello?"

"_Nick?"_

He knew that voice. His stomach dropped suddenly as he heard that voice coming through the speaker. What had gone wrong this time? He certainly sounded distressed over the line.

"Yes… why are you calling me?"

"_I need you to come to the hospital. I have to talk to you,_" Jeff said.

"We're talking now."

"_Face to face,_" Jeff sighed and there was a long pause before he spoke again "_Look, I have to talk to you. And if you don't come to the hospital, then when I get out I'll go to your place. That won't exactly look good for you, will it?_"

Knowing Dean was listening in on the conversation, Nick chose his words carefully. "Okay. In a couple of hours."

Before Jeff could respond, the brunette hung up the call and tossed his phone back in its hiding place. He turned to find Dean staring at him with one eyebrow raised in curiosity. With a sigh, Nick leaned back against the wall. "What?"

"Who was that?"

"None of your damn business."

* * *

><p>Jeff just wanted to get out of the damn hospital. He was pretty much okay by his standards and really, couldn't afford to be staying here when he should be out working. He'd seen some of the girls he knew go through much worse than an almost-fatal overdose and they were back on the street within days. So why were they keeping him here when he could be out of their hair and it was obvious they didn't really want him there?<p>

Oh, that's right. He still needed to talk to the cops.

"Did you hear me?"

Jeff blinked and stared at the policeman who'd come to talk to him about the suspected rape and the overdose. It was almost some funny irony that the higher-ups had delegated this boring job to this particular guy – Jeff distinctly remembered getting fucked by him in the backseat of his police car after being 'arrested' for prostitution. The second the man had pulled aside the curtain and seen him his eyes had widened and he'd gone pale. Since them, the greasy-haired cop had rushed through the regular questioning as fast as he could, determined to get out of there.

"Sorry?" Jeff replied, voice smothered with a sarcastic-sweet bite that seemed to make the man uncomfortable "I didn't catch that."

"Can you just answer me yes or no if you were raped?"  
><em><br>He really doesn't care_, the blonde noted with an internal sigh as he pasted on a slight smile and told him, "No." _And for some reason, I'm actually vaguely surprised.  
><em>  
>"Thank you." The man got up to leave, running a hand through the grease-coated strands of his thinning hair and nodding briefly. Jeff never took his eyes off the guy as he hurried away, telling one of the nurses that there was no need to keep him in the hospital any longer if it wasn't medically necessary – there wouldn't be any more questions. There were never any questions. No one wanted to know.<p>

Just a moment after he left, as Jeff stretched out on the bed and stared up at the ceiling, the curtain was pulled aside again. The blonde looked up to see Nick standing there, a mixture of forced blankness and hesitation distinct on his bruised face.

"You came."

"I'd like to say it was because I wanted to, but really, you kind of forced my hand," the brunette said calmly, folding his arms across his chest and staring down at Jeff impassively.

"Hardly. I doubt I would have had the time to make the trip, considering how much extra work I'll have to put in to catch up on the rent."

As he sat up, Nick just raised an eyebrow and, his tone betraying nothing, asked, "So are you okay?"

"Yeah. But that's not why I asked you to come here. I need to talk to you about Sebastian."

At the mere mention of the name, Nick winced and closed his eyes, so very clearly ashamed. When he opened them again the brunette took a deep breath and began to explain. "It was a discussion that got out of hand. It never should have happened."

"That's right," Jeff said angrily, sliding his legs over the edge of the bed and attempting to stand, clutching the edge of the bed for support "It shouldn't have happened. I'm grateful for the fact you saved my life, twice, and that you came and got me when you didn't need to, nor were you _asked_to-"

"Well, actually, you did ask."

"I was _high_, you _asshole_. Thank you for saving my life, but when you do that and then go and beat up the closest thing I have to family, then that cancels everything else out." Jeff pulled himself up straighter to look Nick in the eye. At his full height he was taller than the brunette, but crippled by pain as he was they ended up being about eye to eye. And he stared fiercely as he finished, "If you come near me or Sebastian again, I will hurt you. In whatever way I can."

Nick's reaction was so fast and brief that Jeff nearly missed it. But he did catch sight of the slight flicker of sadness and disappointment, the flash of guilt and regret, before the expressionless mask fell back into place and he said, "You made me come here to tell me to stay away from you?"

The blonde's gaze never left Nick as he replied, "I wanted to see the look on your face when I said it. It says everything."

A hint of surprise, worry, confusion, and fear before that mask is firmly locked back in place. It really does tell him everything. And what it's telling him is confusing to say the least. If Nick was really the cold-hearted man he was pretending to be, the one who'd hurt Sebastian, then why were all these emotions showing through? The mask was cracked and every single feeling that Nick had towards him was plainly obvious to those who knew how to look for it – and Jeff knew so much about masks.

"Then this is the last time I'm going to see you," Nick said with finality, arms dropping to his side as he turned and walked away. Jeff watched him go, the curtain falling back into place to obscure his view but he didn't move it. He stood there for the longest time, trying to understand just what was going on with Nick, but in the end he found it impossible. He was just too confusing – a mix of emotions that didn't make any sense together. While on the outside it appeared he didn't care, Jeff had seen the flashes in the cracks of Nick's cover-up. There was something there. Guilt? Sadness? None of it was fitting together properly.

But that was really beside the point. They weren't going to be seeing each other again. It was for the best. There was really no need for them to ever be in each other's presence again unless the brunette decided to pick him up – but the likelihood of that happening was about the same as the possibility of someone actually giving a shit about him.

So the only question Jeff had left was wondering why a sharp pain suddenly stabbed at his chest as he watched Nick walk away.

* * *

><p>Jeff had been so slowly destroying his life. Sucking away his money, seducing him, forcing him to choose between saving a life and his best friend's wedding. So really, it was for the best. They never had to see each other again. They didn't need to. It wouldn't be good. Now he could go back to normal. His life could return to the way it had been before he'd ever had the notion of rescuing that blonde boy on the side of the road.<p>

Nick swore to himself as he walked out of the hospital, hands shoved deep in his pockets in anger. It all worked out. Everyone got what they wanted. Jeff was alive, Nick could go back to his own life. Everything was okay again. But for some reason, nothing at all felt okay and he _hated_ it.

He didn't know what it was. But he was sure that something was just _off_. Maybe it was what Jeff had said – '_It says everything_' – or maybe it was just that he was angry and tired and stressed and his friends were demanding things of him that he couldn't give them; the truth. He didn't know what was up. It could have been any number of things that made him feel like this whole ordeal was far from over.

He just hoped the feeling was wrong.

For his own sanity, he needed it to be wrong. He couldn't cope with all the stress of work, classes, his friends, his fantasies of Jeff-

Okay, so he was still dreaming about Jeff when he _really_ shouldn't be. About those legs that just went on and on, and that ass in those leather pants, and those muscles with the sheen of sweat from dancing, and those hands, and that mouth, and that pure-sex voice, and those dark eyes with make-up smudged beneath them. He'd been dreaming about what he'd wanted to do to Jeff ever since that night in Body Shots – fuck him so hard that the blonde couldn't walk for days, and make him scream his name so loud half the street would hear him. He would never admit it, but he was still dreaming.

Too bad that was the last time he was ever going to see Jeff again.

* * *

><p>When the phone rang late that night, Nick wasn't sure he could be bothered to answer it. It would be one of his friends and he was still avoiding telling them about the incident with Jeff, and the fight with Sebastian. They didn't know anything except that he'd left the wedding in a hurry and then the next day had shown up with a black eye and no explanation; besides that he'd tripped and fallen into a doorknob – and only Blaine was buying it. But when the phone rang out and then the tone echoed again, he growled and got up from the couch, stalked over and grabbed the phone from the wall.<p>

"What?"

"_Hello to you too_," Cameron's sarcastic voice chuckled from the other end of the line. Nick sighed. This was better than Thad at any rate. He couldn't even look the guy in the eye now; not with that kicked puppy look he now had that he swore his friend had picked up from Blaine. But Cameron was less likely to bring up the awkward event. True to form, the next thing out of his friend's mouth was, "_Are you busy Friday?_"

"No. Why?"

He should have seen it coming, really. This was _Cameron_ after all. But it still came as a surprise when the guy laughed and said, "_Well, I'm thinking we should head out to Body shots then. Friday night entertainment and all_."

Nick chewed on his lip to avoid shouting something he might regret. Cameron was still on about this. He'd thought they'd dropped it ages ago after the last incident but it seemed his friend was determined to get him back to Body Shots and laid. And at the moment, not only was he not in the mood to deal with Cameron's annoying attitude, but he didn't really want to think about facing Jeff. Just earlier today he'd said they weren't going to see each other again. Body Shots was totally out of the question.

"Cam, no," he sighed "I'm not going back."

He could tell Cameron was smiling when he replied. "_Man, someone is still seriously wound up. You need to let loose a little…_"

"What I need is you to stop telling me what to do," Nick snapped.

"_Hey!_" Cameron defended himself "_I'm just trying to help. You're not making things any better with the guys. I figured you'd at least be easier to deal with if-_"

"If I fucked some whore?" Nick ran a hand through his hair in frustration "You might be that kind of guy, but I'm not."

"_I resent that,_" was the annoyed reply "_Besides, you don't have to be 'that kind of guy'. It'd be a one-off thing and it's not like you ever have to see him again._"  
><em><br>You don't know my luck, Cam_, Nick thought as he answered, "That's not the point."

"_It is! You're stressed and pissed off, and you can just forget all about it for an hour and not be so damn uptight and annoying all the time! It might not sound like it but I am trying to help you. You think the guys are going to be able to talk to you when you're like this?_"

"No! Just shut up Cameron!"

"_You know what?" I'm willing to bet you're just_ scared_…_"

"My God, what is wrong with you?" Nick exclaimed "Scared?"

"_Yeah. You couldn't do it if you tried._"

"What, have sex with a random stranger? I think I'll be able to live with myself," Nick growled and slammed the phone down, not wanting anything else to do with his friend just then. He was fuming at the thought that Cameron believed he wasn't going to go screw Jeff because he was _scared_ of the whole idea of meaningless sex. He wasn't scared; he just didn't like it. His body wasn't something he threw around and for him, there were _always_ emotions involved. Nick was pretty sure it was impossible for him to have sex and have it not mean anything. His heart always got in the way…

Oh.

Now he understood what Cameron meant. He thought Nick was scared because he knew that if he did it, he would feel something he shouldn't and things would get awkward. And when Jeff and Body Shots was thrown into the mix…

Anger suddenly rose up in him and he nodded to himself and grabbed his keys. Fuck Cameron. Fuck him and his snarky little comments. He could do it. He could go out and have sex with a stranger and _it's not going to mean a thing_. He was going to prove it - tonight.

* * *

><p>"You sure you're okay?" Tahnee asked, looking up at her friend (but perhaps that was too strong a word) with slight worry. Jeff just smiled and waved her off. "I'm fine."<p>

The girl frowned for a moment before shrugging and patting the blonde on the shoulder. "I'd hope so. I don't know what Sebastian would do without you."

When she mentioned the name, Jeff looked over his shoulder to where his friend was leaning back against a wall, looking bored to any outsider but to Jeff, it was obvious he was hurting. He knew Sebastian better than anyone.

"Yeah," he mumbled before smiling again "I'll talk to you later. Say hi to Renee for me, would you?"

Tahnee nodded and walked off, waving behind her before disappearing around the corner. Jeff watched her go with a sigh. Now he had to go and deal with Sebastian, who he hadn't seen until half an hour ago when he'd finally managed to get out of the hospital and back home. And then Sebastian had just stalked out and ignored him. Jeff wasn't entirely sure if the brunette was angry with him for questioning him about his past or just upset in general. Quietly he walked over to his friend, putting a hand on his shoulder. It made the taller man jump and he glanced over at Jeff blankly for a moment.

"Are you okay? And answer me straight."

Sebastian smirked and looked back out to the street with seemingly no cares at all. "I'm fine, Jeff. Honestly."

The blonde didn't quite believe him but was inclined to let it go – even if he wasn't alright now, he would be eventually. Give him a few days and everything would turn out fine in the end. It always did. No matter what rough spots they had, whether it be no way to pay the rent, having to skip eating for a couple of days because money was tight, a fight between the two or just a misunderstanding, they always made their way through it and came out relatively unscathed.

"I just don't want you to be mad at me for asking you about your history," Jeff said "And… look, you _can _talk to me. If you want."

"I know," Sebastian chuckled – and it sounded genuine "But I'm not going to tell you."

"Ever?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

Sebastian sighed, still with a small smile on his face, the light dusting of black glitter under his eyes shimmering in the streetlight's shine as he blinked. He didn't look back at Jeff as he replied, "You've had enough crap to deal with in your life without adding my sorry story."

Jeff opened his mouth to say something to that, to argue and say _no, I don't care, you can still tell me, I worry about you_, but was cut off by his friend gesturing to a car that had pulled up a fair way down the road. "You may as well check it out."

"Sebastian," Jeff smiled "Are you _letting _me take a job off you?"

The brunette just smirked as another car pulled over to the pavement just in front of them. "Uh huh. My Wednesday regular just showed up." And with that he wandered over to the unassuming silver car and slid gracefully into the already open passenger side. Jeff shook his head and watched the car disappear before heading down to the other one almost at the end of the street.

_And why do you have to make me walk all the way down here? _he thought as he got closer. For some reason the car looked somewhat familiar but he couldn't put his finger on it – and it wasn't like that was a surprise. It was probably someone who'd picked him up before and besides, didn't all cars look the same after a while? Finally reaching it, he tapped on the passenger-side window and leaned down to look inside at the driver.

And just stared in confusion, because _fuck_, what the hell was he doing here?

Nick looked over at him almost in surprise, blinking for a moment as if trying to remember why he was here, or what he was doing. Jeff would have liked the answer to either of those questions himself. He glared at Nick in anger, not in the mood to deal with him, and stepped back. A second later the window rolled down and he heard the brunette ask in a hesitant voice, "Please?"

Jeff didn't know why but he actually contemplated that. He didn't normally turn down a job but considering who it was… Then again, technically he still owed Nick for saving his life a second time (and if he really thought about it, he hadn't actually paid Nick back for the time he'd saved him from the idiots with the shovel). He shouldn't feel like he owed anything, but he _did_. No matter what the brunette had done, he'd still saved his life and something had to be done about that. Confused, Jeff was still standing there a minute later and finally he managed to shake himself out of it.

"Just to talk," he warned, opening the door and slipping into the passenger seat. He wasn't sure he _could_bring himself to do anything with Nick – not after what he'd done to Sebastian, and no matter what was owed.

He shut the door and glanced over at the brunette, waiting for him to say something. Nick just sat there, chewing on his lip in silence. The pause extended for a good five minutes, Jeff tapping his black-booted foot on the floor, Nick not doing anything but staring and seemingly psyching himself up for something. Finally, knowing he could be getting some serious cash if he weren't sat here in silence, Jeff sighed, "Are you going to say anything? I could be doing something much more productive with my time than sitting here watching you stare at me."

Something seemed to snap in Nick – something that kick-started him into action – and suddenly Jeff had a hand around the back of his head pulling him forward and a pair of lips on his own.

Nick was pushy, pressing hard enough to bruise and demanding entrance to the blonde's mouth. Jeff was frozen for a moment in surprise before reflex took over and he shoved the other away from him. They stared at each other, Jeff surprised and Nick blinking like he'd just woken up. The atmosphere was tense as the blonde stuttered, "W-What was that f…" He trailed off, running his fingertips over his mouth slowly. That kiss reminded him of the night in Body Shots they'd never been able to finish – and he'd wanted to ever since. And he could suck it up and get this debt repaid sooner rather than later, couldn't he? He slowly leaned forward and while it took Nick a moment to catch on, he figured it out eventually and reached out again, gently grabbing a fistful of Jeff's hair and pulling him back.

Their lips met again and this time Jeff kissed back with years of expertise, biting gently on Nick's bottom lip. The brunette wasn't letting Jeff lead though and pushed back, fingers tightening in the other's hair a fraction to keep him in one spot. As an all-but foreign sensation rushed through his body, the blonde groaned involuntarily, allowing Nick's tongue into his mouth by accident. Not that he cared so much about that – the guy could do whatever the fuck he wanted as long as he kept pulling on his hair like that. He'd never realised how much the action turned him on but now that he had, he was going to make sure Nick didn't stop doing it. His own hands were occupied as well – one keeping himself upright and the other gripping the brunette's shoulder hard, fingers flexing every time Nick tugged on his hair.

Nick seemed to have figured out the effects of what he was doing and was now using it to his advantage, releasing his grip on Jeff's hair suddenly and pulling back from his lips slightly. Jeff chased him, whimpering at the loss of both contact and the hand in his hair. And then it was back, pulling twice as roughly and lips back on his. Jeff let out an almost embarrassingly loud strangled sound, most of it lost in Nick's mouth, and he knew he was probably going to leave bruises on the other's shoulder where he was currently clutching it in a deathgrip. But he didn't care – about anything. This was even better than Body Shots and he wasn't about to stop for anything.

It was awkward, leaning across the middle and each having to prop themselves up with a hand that could be used for other purposes. Jeff wasn't sure who thought of it or initiated it first, but the next thing he knew he was crawling over to Nick with the brunette's hands tight around his chest and keeping him steady. Their mouths stayed connected the entire time as Jeff settled on Nick's lap, knees on either side of him and head brushing the roof of the car. Now his hands were free to trail down the other man's chest and down to his waist, teasingly light. Nick shivered underneath him and sucked in a breath suddenly as Jeff slipped his hands under his shirt, fingers cold against the warm skin of his stomach.

Recalling that short make-out in Body Shots, the blonde reluctantly detached himself from Nick's mouth and trailed his lips across his jaw to his ear. He nipped experimentally at the skin and breathed softly over the shell. He was rewarded with a bitten-back whine and a tug on his chest, demanding for more. He happily obliged and made his way down the brunette's neck in a mixture of gentle bites and kisses. Beneath him Nick squirmed and panted, chewing on his lip in an attempt to contain the sounds he was making. His hands slipped from Jeff's chest and down to his hips, playing with the hem of his wifebeater and tugging it up. Jeff had to manoeuvre a little to get the shirt over his head but they managed it quickly enough and then Nick's hands were running over his bare skin. A thumb rubbed over a nipple almost by accident and the blonde bit down hard on the other's collarbone in retaliation for the sensations now coursing through him. Nick's moan rang in his ears and he repeated the action, tossing in a roll of his hips for good measure.

The brunette, breathless, swore and pulled Jeff further towards him, hands skittering over his back in uncertainty as to where to go. As Jeff rolled his hips again and shifted his mouth to meet Nick's again, he made the decision and his hands moved to the blonde's ass, pushing him down as he bucked up into him. They both groaned, teeth clashing and breath coming fast.

Abruptly, something seemed to change. Later, Jeff would guess a stray thought had managed to find its way into Nick's head when really, it shouldn't have. It meant he wasn't doing his job properly. But whatever the cause, Nick surprised the blonde by breaking away and brought his hands to the other's chest, pushing him back. Jeff stared down at the indecisive man under him as his eyes fluttered open, wide and dark with lust – and hesitancy.

"I-I can't…" He stumbled over his words, clearly torn between saying no and just diving right back into what they'd just been doing. Jeff just blinked and waited for him to decide. When Nick pulled his head down, the blonde figured he was okay to keep going but he was momentarily frozen when the brunette kissed his cheek gently before sighing through gritted teeth. It was such a sweet, tender sort of gesture that Jeff was left confused as to why Nick had done it. He leaned back, a hand to the kissed cheek and frowning. It was the first time someone had ever done that to him – sure, there'd been a few weirdos who'd mockingly done it, but this time had felt different. Like it… meant something.

_God, Nick is fucking confusing as hell. _

"Come back to my place?" Nick mumbled and Jeff bit his lip. Really, he shouldn't but that kiss on the cheek, that small gesture of affection, had thrown him and he didn't know what to do anymore. On the one hand, Nick had hurt Sebastian. On the other hand, he'd saved Jeff's life twice. Did one outweigh the other? What was he supposed to do?

One look at the utter exhaustion in Nick's eyes, still churning around with a dash of a desire to just fuck him, decided the whole matter for him.

"What for?" he asked softly. It didn't really matter. He'd go back with him anyway.

"I can't do it," Nick replied just as quietly "Cam was right. I'm too scared."

Jeff didn't know what that meant but he figured he wasn't meant to. Swallowing hard, he ducked his head quickly then stopped in hesitation for a split-second by Nick's face. It was only a brief pause though and quickly he returned the kiss on the cheek before scrambling off the brunette's lap and into the passenger seat. He wasn't a hundred per cent sure why he'd done that, but it kind of felt right and he was going to leave it at that. He collected his shirt from the backseat where it had been tossed and pulled it on, feeling vulnerable without it. And then he just sat there, arms folded across his chest tightly until Nick started the car for what would be a silent, semi-awkward five minute trip.

* * *

><p>Nick didn't have the slightest idea of what he'd just done.<p>

It was like the rage at Cameron had just taken over. That rage, and the rage from not being able to tell his friends the truth, and from everyone being nosy and inquisitive, and the stress and his exhaustion; it all seemed to have built up and had then exploded in some magnificently _stupid_ display.

As far as he knew, he'd just driven out to that dodgy part of town and parked there, not really thinking about what he was doing – he was still mad. And then Jeff had come and knocked on the glass. He'd persuaded the hooker to get in. He was fairly sure he hadn't been planning on doing anything with Jeff until the blonde had said what he'd said about doing something more productive with his time and that had brought images to Nick's mind that he _really_ didn't need.

And then he'd had a hot make out session with the guy.

And if he remembered things correctly, he'd stopped midway, knowing there was no way he could do this without those stupid _emotions_ and _feelings_ coming into it (and no, he _wasn't_ going to think about that at all). Then he'd asked Jeff to come back with him, but not for sex. It was all sounding eerily familiar, and perfectly explained why the blonde prostitute was currently in his bathroom cleaning off his makeup.

Right. Because that explained everything.

"Nick?" He jumped at the voice that seemed to pop out of nowhere and looked up from the couch. He stared in surprise at the blonde standing in the doorway – he looked so different from how he'd usually seen him. When he thought about it he realised he'd seen Jeff without makeup twice – getting him to help after his overdose and the previous day at the hospital when they'd agreed not to see each other again – but he'd never actually noticed. Now he had the chance to observe him properly without the glitter and the thick eyeliner, and it was strange to say the least. He looked more his age and there were obvious bags under his eyes from lack of sleep. His eyes themselves looked, in contrast, a lot younger – more of the teenager he was usually pretending to be. There was still the slight tinge of bruising on his face but he was mostly healed now – and that brought his thoughts right back to the time in the hospital, and the mention of the _rape_.

He had purposely not thought about that since he'd heard about it. He couldn't quite bring himself to believe that this guy, who was watching him with curiosity and intrigue, had been so brutally attacked. That sort of thing just didn't happen. Even seeing the bruises on his body that day in his home hadn't really driven home the fact that _yeah, this sort of stuff _does_ happen, especially to people like Jeff_.

"A-" Jeff stopped himself, biting his lip to make sure he didn't open his mouth again. Nick pulled himself out of his thoughts and asked, "What?"

"Are… are you okay?" Jeff asked hesitantly, leaning against the doorframe. He was still wearing his usual outfit of black shorts, boots and wifebeater, and the way he was just standing there so casually, arms folded, shoulder to the doorframe, gave Nick thoughts that he had to shake his head to banish. He'd only just reconciled himself to the fact that it was impossible for him to have meaningless sex. And sex with a prostitute was just that.

"I'm fine. What… um… what about you?"

"Yeah. Fine." Jeff shrugged and wandered towards the couch, sitting on the arm and staring down at the ground. This was all much more awkward than last time. Nick was about to get up and head to his room when the blonde suddenly spoke.

"Y-You know… if you need someone to just… t-talk to… Apparently I'm a good listener. A-And no one will know."

The brunette looked up at him curiously. Jeff just sat there, continuing to stare at the floor like it was the most interesting thing he'd ever seen. Finally he added onto the end, just to get rid of the silence, "So I can actually do something useful here."

Nick had a hard time not staring. While on one hand it was more than tempting to tell Jeff everything – have someone he could just spill it all to and not have to worry about consequences – it wasn't exactly a good idea. Just because Jeff said no one would know didn't mean it was the truth. And while for some unknown and stupid reason he kind of trusted the guy, Nick wasn't sure this wouldn't come back and bite him on the ass. So he smiled and shook his head, saying, "Nothing I can't handle."

With that he stood up and headed towards his room. He heard Jeff sliding onto the couch with an almost silent sigh before something suddenly struck him. He stopped dead in the doorway and swore internally for not thinking of this earlier.

"Uh, Jeff?" he said, turning "I-I don't think I can… pay you…"

All he could see of the blonde was the back of his head over the top of the couch, just sitting there silently; until he stopped him mid-stammer with a quiet, "I've got a special rate going for guys who save my life. Fifty an hour."

Nick frowned at him for a moment and couldn't stop the slight smile creeping onto his face. Jeff's tone had been blank, emotionless, tired; but it still made him smile for some strange reason.

"Good night."

"Night," Jeff replied softly, not moving as Nick retreated back to his bedroom and shut the door.

* * *

><p>When Nick woke the next morning at eight (his classes were all in the afternoon on a Thursday, thank God) he didn't expect Jeff to still be there. But as he stumbled out of his room and towards the kitchen in search of coffee, he found the blonde there already making some. He blinked in confusion, brushing the hair out of his eyes and while he wanted the first thing out of his mouth to be 'I didn't realise you were still here', it ended up being, "Coffee? Thank God. Black, please."<p>

Jeff smiled for a brief moment as he poured the brunette a mug of the steaming liquid and passed it over to him, and then he forced it to disappear. Nick leaned against the countertop as he swallowed a few mouthfuls (it was scalding hot, but the caffeine was worth the pain) and his head became a little clearer. Finally he was able to voice the statement he'd wanted to make before and Jeff just shrugged. "You haven't paid me."

"Oh. I think I need more coffee before I work on that."

Jeff laughed at that before quickly shutting up and staring at the floor. Nick tilted his head and stared at him, wondering why he'd stopped. He'd never heard the blonde's laugh before and it was a fairly cute one. Jeff just shot him a small smile but that was that.

"You aren't having any?" Nick asked, noticing the other was just standing there almost awkwardly. There was a moment of silence when it seemed Jeff wouldn't answer, and then he suddenly burst out with, "I should get going."

"But I haven't paid you."

Jeff hesitated and Nick saw a brilliant opportunity right in front of him. He probably would never have considered it if he weren't desperate for more caffeine (_because it was a _stupid_ idea_). "Come over tomorrow and I'll give you the money."

He could see the blonde was fighting with either getting the hell out of there and potentially not getting the money at all or staying in what had become a kind of awkward atmosphere.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," Nick waved his hand dismissively "It's totally fine."

"O-Okay..."

He still looked worried about the situation but Nick was in no state of mind to be dealing with money at the moment and he would certainly pay him later – as long as Jeff trusted him enough to believe that. And it seemed he did, because the blonde nodded to himself and headed for the door. Reaching it, he turned back and said, "Uh… th-thank you."

"No problem."

* * *

><p><em>He may be confusing as hell, but he's adorable in the mornings<em>.

Jeff had to shake his head as that thought entered his mind. He couldn't be thinking like that. He had to focus on explaining to Sebastian where he'd been all night and why he hadn't turned up at home when he usually did, and why he wasn't bringing home any cash at all. He'd already gotten a message from Sebastian earlier that morning demanding to know where he was.

He tried to force all thoughts of Nick out of his head but he couldn't stop a smile from forming when he thought about the events of the previous night. Nick was obviously so conflicted about the whole 'sleeping with a hooker' thing and so ridiculously naïve it was cute. But he had to admit – those few minutes in the car had been, as Sebastian was liable to say, _super hot_.

* * *

><p><strong>I was thinking about doing a prequel-type fic when this is finished about Sebastian's back story and what actually happened to him. Would you guys read it?<strong>

**Thank you so much for all the brilliant reviews. You are all perfect. **


	8. Crumbling

**I apologise for how long it's taken to get this written. I've just started my first job and I've been working practically all week, so I haven't had much time (which will be a usual thing from now on I think) and I'm absolutely exhausted. **

**Also, just wanted to quickly mention - I've said I won't write smut, but I maybe might potentially possibly change my mind for this fic... I don't know yet. We'll just have to wait and see.**

**Hope you enjoy this chapter!**

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><p>"So where were you all last night?" Sebastian demanded the moment Jeff walked in the door "Why didn't you text me until this morning?"<p>

Jeff sighed, kicking off his boots and changing quickly into cut-off jeans and an old t-shirt. Then he sat on the edge of his bed, facing away from his friend. He'd known he'd have to deal with this when he got back, but he certainly didn't want to. He didn't want Sebastian to be mad at him again and there was no doubt he'd be pissed off when he found out he'd spent the night at Nick's. Again.

"Some guy hired me for the night." Technically that was true.

"You could have texted me," Sebastian sighed "It's nine in the morning. I was getting worried."

Jeff glanced over his shoulder at his friend, smiling slightly. He knew Sebastian cared and he'd proved it over and over – especially recently – but it was always nice to see it. But then he had to keep asking questions, didn't he? He could have left it at that but no, Sebastian had to know more.

"So how much did you get then? Have we got enough for next week's rent?"

Jeff bit his lip, hesitating before answering with a wince, "I'm going to get a couple hundred."

"Going to?" Sebastian moved to stand in front of his friend so he couldn't avoid looking at him "What do you mean, _going to_?"

"He's paying me tomorrow."

The brunette just stared at him like he was insane – which was a definite possibility. "Are you sure they should have let you out of the hospital? What the hell are you talking about?"

"I trust him enough to pay it, okay?" Jeff snapped, standing up "Now just shut up about it."

"Who the fuck do you trust enough to…" The elder's face fell as realisation hit him and Jeff turned away to head to the bathroom, get some time alone without his friend shouting at him. But he didn't get very far before he was grabbed by the back of the shirt and slammed into the wall chest-first, head twisted to the side. He barely comprehended that situation before Sebastian flipped him over so his back was pressed to the wall. Jeff knew this was going to bruise – the last ones hadn't even healed properly yet.

"Nick? You were with Nick last night?" Sebastian yelled.

"It's none of your fucking business. So what if I was?" Jeff returned, kicking out. He wasn't going to take this crap from his friend. Not today.

"He hurt you! And me! And you still go and fuck him like it doesn't mean anything to you?"

"I didn't, if that changes anything!" Jeff shouted, pushing hard against the hands holding him in place. Finally he managed to get the brunette to let go a little and he slipped from the wall, legs shaking. Sebastian backed up a few paces, anger still flaring in his eyes. Quieter now, in a dark tone, Jeff finished what he'd been trying to say.

"I didn't fuck him. And he might have pissed me off, but where would we be if I left after every time you pissed me off? I keep giving you chances to be better and you throw it in my face every single time. Nick, on the other hand, seems to actually give a damn about what he did. He's fucking better than you."

That seemed to hit a nerve and Sebastian stumbled back like he'd been physically hit. The confusion and anger contorted his face and he couldn't get the words out to reply to that. Jeff took the opportunity while Sebastian was struggling to continue.

"And you know what? He said some bad things to me, but he's not the one who sent me to the hospital with an overdose that nearly killed me." The brunette didn't move, horror and guilt overcoming him and keeping him silent. To finish, Jeff spat, "Nick saved my life. Twice. All you do is keep hurting me."

He knelt by the bed and dragged his messenger bag out, making sure it had everything in it – everything he owned – before standing up. Sebastian still hadn't moved or even made a sound. He just stood there, staring blankly and looking like he'd been punched in the gut. Brushing back tears of anger and guilt, Jeff opened his mouth to say something but stopped. He'd said more than enough. So instead he walked to the door and only glanced back once as he shut it behind him.

The moment he hit the street, he stopped. He didn't know where to go. Would Trent let him stay for a few days? Perhaps. It was his only option. So he headed for the club, hoping the man would have a little pity and let him crash there. He didn't have anywhere else to stay except the street, and he hadn't had to sleep like that in years. He'd been so lucky.

When he reached the closed-up club he ducked around to the back and knocked on the door, shouting for Trent to come down and open it. When he didn't get a reply he looked up at the window, hoping to see his friend up there. Why wasn't he responding? The answer was suddenly very clear when he got a look at the window – or rather, who was pressed up against it.

He couldn't tell exactly who it was, but it was obvious that the mystery guy and Trent were quite busy. Whoever was backed up against the window was shirtless and, from the angle Jeff was looking from, making out with Trent – he could just see the familiar man's face. It seemed that Trent had either heard Jeff or saw him as a moment later the mystery man was shoved out of the way and the window opened.

"Not right now, Jeff," Trent called "You can see I'm a little busy."

And then the window was slammed shut and Jeff was left standing there with nowhere to go. He stared at the ground for a moment before he headed back out to the street almost on autopilot, his brain already trying to figure out his next move.

He couldn't go back to Sebastian right now. And Trent was too busy and Jeff needed someone _now_. Anyone. Anywhere. Just so he could collapse and forget everything he'd done today and how badly he'd fucked up _again_. He was always fucking up. Everything was his fault – from yelling at Sebastian to getting attacked to the damn reason he was even here – in this business – in the first place. All his fault.

A stray thought hit him and he wondered…

* * *

><p>Nick was just walking out the door to head to his classes (what a joy) when he ran into the last person he could have expected. He blinked and stared at the blonde in front of him, who was tugging on the strap of his messenger bag awkwardly and seemingly trying to find the words to express what he wanted. Finally, after a moment's silence, Jeff managed to say, "I just… I… God, this is stupid, I'm sorry, I'll just go, I don't know what I'm doing here…"<p>

He turned to leave and Nick grabbed his shoulder, looking him in the eye and asking, "What's up? Is something wrong?"

His question was answered by the shine of budding tears and the brunette bit his lip, not sure what to do. Here he was, just about to go to class, now dealing with a man about to break down on his doorstep. Hesitantly, he asked, "Do you want to come inside?"

"No, you're busy," Jeff replied shakily "That's okay, I shouldn't be here anyway. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Nick said before he could really think "Come on." He grabbed Jeff's wrist and pulled him inside, leaving his bag by the door and leading the blonde to the couch. Jeff just followed without resistance, sitting beside Nick on the couch and saying nothing. There was a long moment of awkward silence until the brunette uncertainly put a hand on the other's shoulder and asked, "What's going on?"

He wasn't sure what he was expecting. Maybe he'd thought Jeff would just brush him off as he had done in the past. But the reaction he got was very different. The blonde sat there for a second, seemingly contemplating something, before the tears started to fall and Nick was faced with a shaking, sobbing mess attempting to talk but failing miserably. He stared for a moment, unsure of how to fix the situation, before tentatively reaching an arm out and laying it around Jeff's shoulders. The blonde seemed grateful, leaning into him as he cried. For a good five minutes or so neither of them moved. Jeff just let himself cry and Nick sat there awkwardly, wondering what was wrong and why the blonde had come to him.

Eventually Jeff pulled away and rubbed at his eyes, trying to sputter out some kind of apology. "I-I'm so-sorry, I did-didn't mean to…"

"Did you want to… talk about it?" Nick bit his lip, not sure he wanted to know. Jeff stumbled a little over his words, a half-explanation and half-refusal. "I – you don't want to – it's j-just friends… nothing im-portant."

"Okay then," Nick replied quietly "But you can… you know… tell me later if you feel like it."

The blonde just nodded blankly, staring at the floor and gripping the strap of his messenger bag so hard his knuckles were white. A moment later he spoke in a low tone made rough from tears. "I shouldn't be asking y-you this, I can't believe I'm going to… but… I need a place to stay f-for a few days."

Nick stared at him, more confused than ever now. Jeff looked up with a scared look in his eyes as he quickly rambled, "I'll pay you, I promise, you don't even have to pay for last night, I'll give you whatever you want, anything, I just need somewhere for a few days, please."

The brunette frowned, not entirely sure how this turn of events had occurred. One minute he'd been on his way out, the next he was comforting a sobbing prostitute who was asking to stay for a couple of days. None of this was making any sense. But he knew he couldn't, in good conscience, turn Jeff out. He obviously didn't have anywhere else if he was asking him, and he wasn't going to make the guy sleep on the street or something. So after a few minutes of working that through in his head, Nick nodded slowly.

"If you haven't got anywhere else to go… I-I suppose so."

The desperation slipped from Jeff's eyes and he nodded. "Thank you."

Again that long, awkward pause reigned and Nick chewed on his lip while Jeff turned his attention back to the floor. Finally the brunette stood and went to collect a blanket for the other, mostly to give him something to do. His mind was in overdrive as he found a spare one and headed back, only to find Jeff had curled up on the couch and fallen asleep. He finally looked peaceful and calm, bangs falling in front of his face and bag hugged tightly to his chest. Nick walked over quietly and tried to pull it away so he'd be more comfortable and wouldn't accidentally crush anything inside, but Jeff refused to let go, even in sleep, and only whimpered and pulled it closer. In the end Nick gave up and just lay the blanket over him. Straightening, he looked down at the blonde with a sigh. He felt like he'd just been smacked over the head with a hammer and if you asked, he couldn't tell you at all how he'd gotten from heading to class to agreeing to let a distraught hooker stay at his place. He didn't have the slightest clue, but he knew two things – he couldn't back out now, and he couldn't leave Jeff on his own. Not after he'd asked for help and so clearly needed it. So there was nothing for it. Jeff was staying.

* * *

><p>So maybe this was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his entire life, and he'd done some incredibly stupid things. Maybe this was going to be the thing that finally killed him after all the things he'd been through. He almost hoped so. Because he'd fucked absolutely everything up this time and there might not even be a way to fix it. And anyway, he was tired. Tired of the business, tired of the club, tired of the strange men and the lingering touches that made him want to be sick. Tired of hiding. Tired of running. Tired of <em>everything<em>. He was almost hoping that when he passed out as he was pretty sure he eventually would, he wouldn't wake up.

He'd never done this before. Coke was as hard as he'd ever got. Of course, he'd been through a cocktail of various other softer drugs, but he'd never gotten addicted too badly. Coke was his weakness. But he knew he needed something different, something that would give him a different and stronger buzz and make everything go away. Jamie had said this would give him what he wanted; he hoped so.

Sebastian winced as he pulled the needle from the crease of his elbow, dropping it on the floor with a sigh. That part was over. Now he just had to wait for it to hit-

Wow, this was fucking _brilliant_. Sebastian smiled, leaning his head back against the wall. He could get used to this. Especially when everything in his life wasn't going in a direction he could cope with. Jeff had disappeared on him, Trent wasn't saying anything other than the guy had turned up at the club but he'd told him to leave. Where, he didn't know. And while he'd said he didn't really care, Sebastian knew otherwise. The kid had an effect on both of them. They both cared about him and they both worried about him when he was upset or hurt. The emotions went at least two-ways, as Sebastian knew they cared about him too. And if he thought about it, they both kind of cared about Trent. He'd saved them in a way. He'd pulled them off the streets and given them jobs and made them stars – of the gay strip club world, but stars nonetheless. And he got to dance. Sebastian liked that. Dancing and singing – he'd always loved doing that. As a child he'd wanted to grow up and be a performer. In some twisted way, that dream had come true.

Sebastian chuckled to himself and closed his eyes, vaguely wondering if he was going to open them again. Part of him was telling him he had to; Jeff would probably come back at some point and apologise and he kind of had to be there for that. And Jeff would be seriously messed up if he found his friend dead.

But a much larger part was hoping, wishing, he didn't wake up.

* * *

><p>When Jeff woke, his first thought was <em>why am I so stiff and sore?<em>He stretched out, muscles complaining. The blonde winced as he realised he couldn't quite stretch his arms or legs out straight without a considerable amount of pain. In the end he hauled himself upright, knocking his bag from his lap and sending it to the floor. Objects, clothes and what little cash he had was suddenly scattered across the floor and in a panic, Jeff fell to his knees on the floor and tried to grab it all. He shoved everything into the bag and reached out to pick up the last of his belongings – only to find someone in front of him, also kneeling, holding it in his hand.

"Here," Nick said quietly, shifting the silver necklace from one hand to the other, the chain slipping through his fingers while the pendant, a faceless angel, rested in his palm. Jeff quickly snatched it from him, stashing it in the bag and trying to ignore the pain in his muscles. He made a mental note not to sleep curled up like that again.

"Don't touch it," Jeff warned, tucking his bag behind him "Don't touch any of my stuff. It's mine."

Nick held up his hands in mock surrender and said genuinely, "Sorry. I was just trying to help. How are you feeling?"

"Sore?" Jeff admitted, looking back down to the floor. Suddenly everything was awkward again. For a moment neither of them said anything. After a little while Jeff glanced up again and found Nick staring at him – as their eyes locked, he saw something there that he'd hated for the longest time.

"Don't pity me," he said quietly, not shifting his gaze away as he spoke "I don't want it."

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to – I…" Nick sighed, leaning back on his heels as he ran a hand through his hair "I don't know how to talk to you."

"Don't feel like you have to," Jeff shrugged, shifting a little and crossing his legs under him, bag in his lap. Nick looked down at the floor for a moment, contemplating something, before lifting his gaze again and saying, "You're just… you're different, to anyone I've ever met. I don't really know why."

Jeff wasn't sure how to take that – he was pretty sure the guy meant it in a good way, but what did it even mean? Different? How? And why did it even matter? Nick didn't have to make the effort to talk to him if he didn't want to.

"You hungry?" Nick finally broke the silence, giving the blonde a slight smile. Jeff chewed on his lip and replied, "A little." It was a lie – he hadn't eaten anything since yesterday and he was starving. But Nick didn't need to know that. The brunette's smile widened and he got to his feet. "Pizza okay?"

"Whatever you like."

* * *

><p>When Jeff walked out of the bathroom at almost nine that night, he hoped he'd be able to duck out of the house without Nick noticing. For some reason he felt kind of bad staying at the guy's place while working at the same time – maybe it was how weird Nick felt about the whole thing that was rubbing off on him. At any rate he felt uncomfortable and hoped to disappear without having to talk to the guy, but just as he reached the front door a voice asked quietly, "You going?"<p>

He paused and turned, tugging on his wifebeater. "Yeah."

Watching Nick, Jeff saw the resignation in his eyes, mixed with what he thought might have been a touch of sadness but he didn't think too long about that – the other was speaking.

"You'll need a key to get back in," he said, still quiet. Jeff just blinked as the brunette disappeared for a moment before returning, key in hand. He held it out, not taking his eyes off the blonde for a second. Jeff chewed on his lip as he took it, feeling incredibly uneasy about this whole situation. But it was better than staying with Sebastian after that argument, wasn't it?

"I thought you'd have something to say."

Nick shrugged and shoved his hands in his pockets, eyes still never leaving the other's face. "It's your life. You can do what you like."

Jeff nodded and yet again (in what seemed to be becoming a common occurrence between them) there was a short, uncomfortable pause. Then quickly, Jeff reached for the door and left, saying a brief 'see you' because he felt like he had to at least say something.

Outside he sighed, shivering a little in the cool breeze. It was a little colder tonight, but that wasn't going to bother him for very long. Hooking his thumbs into the waistband of his shorts he began making his way towards his usual territory, boots clicking on the pavement in what was otherwise silence.

* * *

><p>He didn't see Sebastian that night and it worried him.<p>

He only managed two guys before he felt sick and had to ditch work.

He made it halfway back to Nick's place before he stumbled, the pavement tearing at the skin of his knees, and threw up on the side of the road.

He finally made it back to the house an hour later. Quietly, he fixed his knees as quickly as he could with a splash of water (he wished he had some alcohol on him; it usually worked pretty well at stopping any infections) and washed his mouth out. Then slowly, painfully, he collapsed on the couch, pulled the blanket over him, wrapped his arms around his stomach and cried himself to sleep. Not for the first time he slipped into his dreams hoping that when he woke up it would be somewhere different, next to someone who told him he loved him, and that the whole nightmare would be over.

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><p><strong>Thank you, all of you. Please review :)<strong>


	9. Unsure

**Again, I apologise for how long it's taken to get this out. But prepare yourself for some sleepy Nick and some angst and cute stuff and nosy Kurt and other stuff... I'm sorry, I'm tired and I have to work all day tomorrow, so I'm going to bed. I hope you enjoy this chapter though!**

* * *

><p>It was his throbbing knees that woke Jeff the next morning. He groaned as he opened his eyes and peeled the blanket away from his legs to check on the injuries. It was mostly just a bad scrape and the few cuts weren't too deep but they were still red and hot, and quite painful when he moved. At least they weren't bleeding anymore. As he poked one knee and winced, he heard something from behind him and he threw the blanket back over himself quickly.<p>

"Hey," Nick mumbled, wandering towards the kitchen in search of his morning coffee. Jeff watched him go, telling himself he wasn't admiring the other guy's ass in those… boxers?

"Nick?" he called. The brunette poked his head around the corner sleepily, eyes half closed. "Yeah?"

"You're not wearing any pants. In case you didn't know." _Or, you know, a shirt. _

Jeff couldn't hold back the slight smirk as Nick looked down and frowned. "Oh. Fuck." He walked back to his room and disappeared, only to come back a moment later in track pants. "Now I am."

"Now you are," Jeff agreed, shaking his head and forcing down a smile. Nick headed back to the kitchen and soon enough the beautiful sound of coffee being made could be heard. The blonde rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, his thoughts beginning to wander where he really didn't like – or at least wasn't about to admit that he did. It involved those track pants and boxers being removed fairly quickly and Nick being bent over the kitchen bench…

As he tried to banish that thought from his head, Nick returned with two mugs of steaming coffee, already chugging one down like his life depended on it. He held the other one out questioningly to Jeff who took it, sitting up to drink. As he swallowed the first mouthful (he didn't like it this way but at the moment he wasn't about to complain) he heard a much more clear-headed Nick say, "What happened to your knees?"

Jeff glanced down and realised the blanket had slipped, revealing the damage done the previous night. "Nothing," he mumbled "I just tripped."

And it was the truth, for once. No one had beaten him up or done anything suspect to him. He'd just stumbled and hit the pavement too hard for his skin to handle. Whether Nick believed him or not didn't matter. But the brunette set down his drink and moved to look closer.

"They look pretty bad," he commented.

"They'll be fine." Jeff bit his lip and pulled the blanket back up to cover the cuts. He hoped that would be the end of it but no, Nick had to go be a damn decent guy and offer to patch them up. And by 'offer', he meant 'told him to keep that pretty ass where it was while he went and got what he needed'.

There was no way that the coffee had quite kicked in yet if Nick was going around calling his ass pretty.

Jeff did as he was told, not wanting to offend the guy who'd let him stay when he had absolutely no reason to. Quickly enough Nick returned with a small box in his hands, and he knelt down beside the couch and pulled the blanket away to work.

"Does it hurt?" he asked as he dabbed something onto the open cuts. The blonde hissed, jerking his legs away and fuck, he _swore _the universe was against him because as he did so, he managed to catch Nick in the side of the face with one knee. Hard. The brunette fell back as pain shot up Jeff's leg.

"Shit, sorry!" He wasn't sure what to grab at first – his knee or Nick. In the end it was Nick, and he held onto his shoulder tightly to see if he was okay. The other shook his head, rubbing his jaw where he'd been hit. "I'm fine," he said with a slight smile "Really."

Jeff stared at him for a moment longer to make sure – he really hadn't meant to do that. Hitting the guy in the face probably wouldn't do him any favours when he needed all the help he could get. Then he relaxed a little when he saw Nick really was okay and he hadn't hurt him too badly. His knee, however, was another story altogether. It was throbbing painfully now and the other wasn't much better. Nick returned to fixing it, rubbing the antiseptic liquid in more carefully this time.

"Sorry," he said as he picked the few pieces of gravel out, making the blonde wince.

"I've had worse," Jeff replied quietly.

Nick bandaged the wounds and leaned back to look Jeff in the eye, still with that small smile on his face. "I can give you some pain killers if you want."

"No, I'll deal." He didn't want to take more from Nick than he had to. "Don't you have stuff to be doing? Places to be?"

The brunette shook his head and sat back, crossing his legs under him. "Nah. No classes today and no plans." Then he stood up and took his empty mug to the kitchen, disappearing from view. "You hungry?"

Jeff contemplated saying no, despite the fact he'd thrown up his dinner from last night and his stomach was rumbling painfully. But as he opened his mouth, something made him change his mind and he got to his feet slowly, making sure he was stable as he replied, "Yeah. Starving."

* * *

><p>By the time Jeff had eaten, showered, redone the bandages, and gotten changed into his cut-off jeans and t-shirt, it was only ten thirty. That meant a whole day to fill until he had to head to the club – it was Friday, after all. Usually he would lounge around and sleep or read (he didn't do that so much anymore because it hurt his eyes and the words on the page were starting to go fuzzy) but he didn't want to just hang around in someone else's house. It felt wrong. Especially because at that particular moment Nick was filling the sink to wash the dishes. He wanted to be useful and not just sit around doing nothing. Nick <em>was <em>letting him stay when he didn't have to at all.

He wandered into the kitchen and leaned on the doorframe, clearing his throat to get the other's attention. Nick looked over curiously.

"Yeah?"

"Um… was there anything you wanted me to do?" he asked awkwardly.

Nick frowned and shook his head. Jeff tried to explain without looking like too much of an idiot but he wasn't sure he succeeded. "I mean, you are letting me stay and I said I'd pay you – which I will, of course, but I was just wondering if you wanted me to do anything to like, help out or something… So I can be useful."

Realisation dawned on the brunette's face and he smiled. "It's fine. Honestly. And there's nothing to do anyway. I just wanted to get these out of the way so I didn't have to worry about them later."

Jeff nodded, biting his lip. He still felt like he was being lazy and useless, but if Nick wasn't going to give him anything to do then there was nothing he could do about it.

The doorbell echoed loudly and Jeff flinched. Someone was at the door and only one thought crossed his mind – he wasn't supposed to be here. He stared at Nick, not sure what he was supposed to do. The brunette looked out the window above the sink and swore. "Crap, it's Kurt." Then he turned to Jeff, a worried look on his face. "I really hate to say this, but Kurt will have a heart attack if he realises who you are. Would you…"

He knew what he was asking and nodded. "Where?"

"Um… go hide in my room or something. He won't go in there." Nick said, not appearing to be thinking as the doorbell rang again and he dashed to greet his friend. The blonde stood there for a split second before quickly making his way to the living room to collect his bag and stuff the blanket and pillow down the back of the couch. He ducked into Nick's room and shut the door just as he heard the front one open.

* * *

><p>"Kurt!" Nick smiled as he saw his friend on his front step "What are you doing here?"<p>

The second brunette smiled, giving his friend a hug before responding. "We were worried when you didn't turn up yesterday. You didn't pick up your phone either."

"Sorry." Nick stepped aside to let Kurt in. "I was asleep most of yesterday and my phone battery went flat. I would have called…"

"It's okay, we just wanted to know what was going on," Kurt chuckled "You hardly ever miss your classes. Caine was asking about you, by the way. Wanted to know where you disappeared off to."

"Tell him I'm fine. I'll be back Monday."

The pair walked into the kitchen, where Kurt saw the full sink and dirty dishes. "Sorry, I didn't realise you were busy."

"Don't worry about it," Nick laughed "How are the guys? Thad? Blaine?"

Kurt instantly launched into an explanation of how Thad was dealing with married life with Ivy, and how some guy had come onto Blaine last night and Kurt had been forced to jump in and defend his boyfriend because said boyfriend was entirely oblivious. As his visitor continued to talk, Nick tried his hardest to concentrate on what was being said but his thoughts kept wandering to the blonde hiding away in his room. It probably wasn't such a brilliant idea to hide him there, but it had been the first place he could think of. And now he was thinking about Jeff, and that worry he'd had in his eyes when he'd accidently hit him in the face, and the way he'd come to him yesterday and broken down in front of him, and then he was thinking all the way back to the time he'd snapped photos of him under the streetlight, barely keeping that mask in place.

_Don't pity me. I don't want it._

Nick chewed on his lip, not paying attention to what Kurt was saying anymore. It was only now he was realising just how _broken_ Jeff was. He'd seen the brave face he put on, the bitchiness and the confident façade. And he'd seen the terror in the blonde's eyes when he'd been high on coke, and the light there when he laughed. He didn't know Jeff fully by any means – but he knew enough to want to help him and fix him and make him okay. It wasn't fair that he was like this; it wasn't fair that he had to do what he had do.

"Nick?"

"Yeah?" He looked up to see Kurt with one eyebrow raised , one of his signature bitch glares in full effect. "You weren't listening to a word I said."

There was no point denying it. "Sorry."

Kurt sighed with a small smile, checking his phone quickly. "I should go anyway, I have plans with Blaine. Do you mind if I use the bathroom quickly?"

Nick gestured for him to go and as soon as the other brunette was gone, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He really needed to get his thoughts under control. Having Jeff around didn't exactly help, but he wasn't going to kick him out. No way in hell. He was going to do what he could to help him.

A minute later Kurt returned, holding something in his hand that made Nick's heart drop to the pit of his stomach.

"You know I would completely understand if you were into all that," Kurt said, holding up Jeff's glittery makeup – he must not have put it back from last night and now Kurt had found it. "I just never would have thought you were the type."

There was something in Kurt's voice that didn't quite sound right. Like he knew something he probably shouldn't. _Does he know? He can't. He doesn't know who Jeff is, he can't know.  
><em>  
>"Or do you have some secret boyfriend I don't know about?" Kurt chuckled and <em>there<em> was the edge in his voice. He thought Nick was hiding someone and was pissed he didn't know about it first. It was some unspoken rule that Kurt got to know about all new relationships before everyone else or he got annoyed with you.

Nick wasn't sure what to say. Admit he had someone hiding in the house? Say the makeup was his and deal with the aftermath of that? In the end he decided there was no way he could lie to Kurt when he was staring like that.

"I, uh, I have a friend staying for a few days…"

Kurt's eyebrow rose even higher at that. "A friend? You have a friend that we don't know about?"

"Yes…" Nick said quietly, hoping Kurt would just leave it at that. But no, he refused to drop it and his next question was, "Is he here? Can I meet him?"

Nick opened his mouth to tell him that no, his friend wasn't here at the moment, when a loud crash sounded from somewhere else in the house. The brunette paused and admitted, "Yeah, he's here. Hold on a sec."

Nick left Kurt in the kitchen and headed for his room. The second he opened the door he saw Jeff standing over the shattered remains of the bedside lamp, biting his lip. The blonde looked up and Nick saw that worry there in his eyes again.

"God, I'm sorry," he started but the brunette cut him off. "It's okay. Seriously. But my friend wants to meet you."

He held out his hand and it took a second for Jeff to process that. When it finally hit he frowned and stared. "Does he know?"

"You're a friend of mine," Nick told him "That's all he knows. Are you coming?"

Another second passed and finally Jeff walked over to him hesitantly. Nick grabbed his arm and started back for the kitchen, saying, "Sorry about this, but Kurt's nosy and he won't let it go unless he meets you. If he asks any questions, just make something up."

They walked back in, Nick smiling at Kurt and gesturing to the blonde beside him. "Kurt, this is my friend Jeff. Jeff, this is Kurt."

"Hi." Kurt smiled widely and held out his hand. Jeff shook it but clearly didn't look happy about the whole situation he'd just been thrown into. Nick made the mental note to apologise properly once Kurt was gone.

"So how do you guys know each other?" the pale brunette asked "I haven't heard Nick talk about you before."

"Oh, uh… we used to know each other… ages ago," Jeff stumbled over his words unconvincingly. Nick jumped in to finish. "Yeah, when we were kids. Don't you have somewhere to be going, Kurt?"

The man in question sighed and nodded, glancing at his phone again. "Yeah, I should get going. It was nice meeting you Jeff. Nick, I'll see you around?"

"Sure. We're at the bar tomorrow so I'll see you then."

He walked Kurt to the door and let him out. As soon as the car had left his driveway he went straight back to Jeff to apologise. When he got there he found Jeff picking up the glitter makeup Kurt had left on the table.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly "I tried to hide everything, but… "

Nick stepped over to him and gripped his shoulder in one hand. "Jeff, it's fine. Don't worry about it. It's all fine."

The blonde sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. "Okay," he said quietly before walking out quickly. Nick sighed as he heard a door shut a few moments later.

* * *

><p>Jeff walked out of the kitchen and collected his bag from Nick's room before heading to the bathroom and shutting himself in. He just needed a minute or so to process what had just happened.<p>

One.

He'd just been introduced to one of Nick's friend. _As a friend_.

Two.

Nick was being incredibly nice to him. It wasn't just the whole 'letting him stay' thing either. He was just being nice for no damn good reason. Not questioning him when he went out to work last night, helping with his knees that morning, not caring when he'd screwed everything up just now.

It didn't make any sense. Nick had no reason to be this nice to him. The guy had been his last chance at shelter before the street and he'd only asked out of desperation – but now he was being so nice and none of it quite fit with what he knew of Nick.

This was the guy who'd saved his life then told him that his work didn't mean anything.

This was the guy who'd saved him from an overdose then attacked Sebastian.

Who one minute seemed to want to screw him and the next wanted nothing to do with him.

Jeff sighed, searching through his bag for the pendant Nick had picked up off the floor yesterday when he'd accidentally scattered everything. He let the chain run through his fingers, the angel lying in his palm. He bit his lip as he stared at it then closed his hand over the necklace, closing his eyes and sliding down the wall until he was sitting with his head tilted back against it. He began to silently mouth the words to the children's song that had, since he was fifteen, never failed to remind him of someone he would now do anything to see again.

_Twinkle, twinkle, little star_

_How I wonder what you are_

_Up above the world so high_

_Like a diamond in the sky_

_Twinkle, twinkle, little star_

_How I wonder what you are_

A tear slipped down his cheek.

* * *

><p>"Nick?" Jeff asked as he stopped in the front doorway, glancing up. The brunette poked his head around the corner. "Yeah?"<p>

"I don't suppose you want to head down to the club with me?" He was mostly joking but he certainly wasn't going to be complaining if Nick came to the club. But Nick shook his head with a smile. "No, I think I've had quite enough of Body Shots. Be safe?"

The almost casual comment on the end of the sentence practically floored Jeff and he stared for quite a while before he could stutter out, "Y-Yeah, okay." Then he quickly stepped outside, shut the door and stopped dead. Be safe? Had Nick actually just said that? In a genuine tone? He figured he shouldn't really be surprised, what with all the nice things Nick had been doing, but it had still caught him off guard. Sebastian was the only one who had ever said that and even then rarely. It was a mostly unspoken sentiment. Thinking of Sebastian, Jeff started off for the club and hoped his friend would be there. He hadn't shown up last night and he was starting to worry – he hadn't replied to any of his texts either.

By the time he got there he was panicking. Why the fuck hadn't he gone to check on the guy? He'd been too caught up in Nick's behaviour to even think about checking in on a drug addict who wasn't answering his phone. What the hell was wrong with him? He was a terrible friend and an awful person. But as he dashed in to the backstage area to search Sebastian out, he saw him almost instantly chatting with Trent. He ran over, relief hitting him hard.

"Seb, you okay?" he asked as the taller of the two turned to face him. He paused, seeing the exhaustion clearly on Sebastian's face and the bloodshot eyes, the dark circles.

"I'm great, Jeff," the brunette replied with all his usual confidence but no sarcasm. "You look pretty well yourself. I'd stay and talk but I'm supposed to be on stage in a minute so I have to go."

With that he walked off, his confident air vanishing as his shoulders sagged and his head dropped a little now that he wasn't facing anyone.

"Trent, is he okay?" Jeff asked, looking over at the other man. Trent shrugged with a sigh. "I don't know. He came here looking for you the other day and I haven't seen him since 'til now. He's done something stupid, I can guarantee you."

The club owner glanced across at Jeff with a curious expression. "Where did you go, by the way? You know I would have let you stay if you'd come back in a few hours."

The blonde chewed on his lip, still thinking about Sebastian. "It doesn't matter. I'm worried about him though."

"So am I. Whatever you two fought about, get over it because it's killing him." Trent gestured to where Sebastian, dressed in jean shorts, ripped shirt, leather jacket and cowboy boots, was just about to walk out onto the stage. "He needs you more than he'll admit, and it's exactly the same with you."

A moment later and music began to play, and Sebastian strutted out to sing. Jeff and Trent moved to the main club area to watch as the brunette walked slowly and swung his hips seductively.

_When you came in the air went out  
>And every shadow filled up with doubt<br>I don't know who you think you are  
>But before the night is through<br>I wanna do bad things with you_

This was Sebastian's best song and he was brilliant at it. There was a chair left in the middle of the stage for him and he used it well, sitting on it with the back to his chest and stretching his long legs out to each side. The men watching him, whether they'd heard him sing this before or not, were following his every movement – his hands, his legs, his mouth; he had them in the palm of his hand.

_I'm the kind to sit up in his room  
>Heartsick and eyes filled up with blue<br>I don't know what you've done to me  
>But I know this much is true<br>I wanna do bad things with you_

_Okay_

Sebastian moved his body with so many years of practice, not even having to think about it as he tossed in a roll of his hips against the chair and bent low over it, eyes hooded as he kept his gaze to the floor.

_When you came in  
>The air went out<br>And all those shadows there  
>Filled up with doubt<em>

Nobody got to touch Sebastian during this song – nobody was allowed anywhere near him. He was off-limits, his booted feet just a few centimetres out of reach. He slowly shrugged off the jacket, letting it fall behind him as he slipped out of his shirt carefully and was left in just the jean shorts and boots.

_I don't know who you think you are  
>But before the night is through<br>I wanna do bad things with you  
>I wanna do real bad things with you<em>

_Oh_

He teased and ran his hands over his body, occasionally tugging at the waistband of the shorts but never going any further. The regulars knew he wouldn't but it didn't stop the spell from snaring them too, and the ones who were seeing this for the first time just stared and silently – or not so silently – wished for something more.

_I don't know what you've done to me  
>But I know this much is true<br>I wanna do bad things with you  
>I wanna do real bad things with you<em>

As the music faded away, Sebastian smirked and slid to his feet, walking off stage to shouts for him to come back. Jeff watched the men contemplatively, recognising regulars, and wondering for a brief second what their lives must be like if they had to come to a sleazy place like this every other night. But then he shook his head and headed backstage again, leaving Trent behind. He had performances to get ready for, and if Sebastian was willing to talk, then a conversation he needed to have with the dancer.

* * *

><p><strong>Song is Bad Things by Jace Everett.<strong>

**Please review!**


	10. Beauty

**Once again, I find myself apologising for taking so long to update. I'm going to have to pull out the busy life excuse, plus the sick excuse for the last week - I've had the most awful cold/flu thing and it's been _evil_. But the point is the chapter's finished and here for you to read, so you can't be too mad at me, can you? :)**

**Hechu****,**** C****, CheekyBrunette and Budinca, thank you so much for your beautiful reviews. I love you! And I love everyone who reviews, reads, favourites and alerts - you are all amazing for sticking with my ridiculous updating :D**

**Also, I'm still thinking about smut. I may write it. I'm still not sure. Don't be disappointed if I don't, but I'll try at the very least! :)**

* * *

><p>"Sebastian!" Jeff shouted as he pushed his way past other Body Shots dancers towards where the man was quickly disappearing into the dressing room. He followed him in and found Sebastian staring into one of the mirrors, a heavy, tired look in his eyes. He looked awful and Jeff couldn't help but think that it was his fault that his friend was like this. He should never have said what he said and he wanted to just take it all back, but it seemed like Sebastian was going to be stubborn about it.<p>

"Please, leave me alone."

"Seb, let me –"

"Jeff!" the brunette looked at him via the mirror, not bothering to turn around to face him. Jeff hated the reflection that stared at him – eyes bloodshot, gaze filled with anger and resentment. "I don't want to talk to you. Just leave me alone. Please."

It was the last word and the desperation behind it that made the blonde bite his lip and nod as he backed out of the room, after grabbing his clothes for the next dance. He needed to talk to him and apologise, but he would wait until Sebastian was ready to listen.

As he stepped outside and shut the door to the dressing room, he ran into Trent and the club owner glanced at him hopefully. "Have you spoken to him?"

Jeff sighed and shook his head, "He won't let me. He's just pushing me away."

"You can't let him, Jeff," Trent said, and the blonde could see it on his face and hear it in his voice – he was incredibly worried about Sebastian. And he wasn't the only one. "I don't know what's wrong with him, but I'm afraid that if you don't fix it, then to put it bluntly, he'll end up dead."

Jeff stilled. The words got to him and he knew somehow that Trent was right. If he didn't apologise to Sebastian and make things right, then he wouldn't be performing next week. They both just lived week to week, and if they made it through one then they'd just focus on the next one, never thinking too far ahead or back to the past. At least, they tried. But now Jeff wasn't sure Sebastian would make it to the end of this week, let alone the next one. And he knew he should probably go back and force his friend to listen to him, but he didn't know how that would turn out. Would Sebastian understand, forgive him? Or would he just push him away even more?

Jeff's head was spinning and he didn't know what to do. Trent was silently pleading with him to go back and talk to Sebastian, but he'd just agreed to leave him be. In the end, he muttered, "I'll talk to him." He walked away quickly, running a hand through his hair and hoping he could figure this all out and get Sebastian back before it all went horribly wrong.

* * *

><p>Sebastian closed his eyes as Jeff shut the door, leaving him alone. He didn't realise he was shaking until he had to lean against the wall to stop himself from falling. And it wasn't just withdrawal and lack of sleep that made him shake – it was fear. He was terrified that he was becoming addicted already to the heroin Jamie had given him to forget his pain. He couldn't have that. He could barely afford the coke as it was and that was fucking him up; he couldn't fall into the trap of something else that he might not be able to get out of. He already felt the intense need to shoot up again and it scared him. It was the reason he'd pushed for Jeff to leave him alone, because he couldn't handle his friend seeing him like this; trembling, sweating, on the verge of collapse. Tears pressed against his eyelids, until the pressure was too much and they slipped down his face. Sebastian's knees gave out and he hit the floor with a soft thump, barely noticeable over the conversation he could hear going on outside.<p>

"You can't let him, Jeff. I don't know what's wrong with him, but I'm afraid that if you don't fix it, then to put it bluntly, he'll end up dead."

_Please don't come back in here, _Sebastian begged silently as the words hit him solidly, one after the other, hurting and stinging and _true_. If Jeff saw him like this…

But he didn't, and Sebastian was so grateful when he heard the footsteps walking away. In his relief, the sob he hadn't quite realised was there escaped, half-choked. He heard someone move closer to the door as if they'd heard and Trent's voice sounded through the wood, "Seb?"

"Leave me a-lone." He was surprised he managed to get that much out without breaking down entirely. Trent got the message and said he was always there to talk if he needed before his footsteps echoed out into silence – as silent as a busy strip club could be.

Sebastian wrapped his arms around his bare chest and pulled his knees up, slamming his head back into the wall behind him, letting out a pathetic whine. It was the most he could say to express all the pain he was forcing back at that moment – anything louder and someone would hear, come looking. A spark of pain flashed through his head as he hit it and he did it again, and then once more before falling still, unable to move anymore because if he did, he'd just cry.

* * *

><p>Nick usually liked the weekends because there was no classes, no work – absolutely nothing to do. Except whatever homework he'd gathered throughout the week but he was generally pretty good with keeping up with that. Saturdays he loved in particular, because that was the day he and the guys would head over to the bar just down the road from Blaine and Kurt's place, and they'd sing.<p>

Not a lot of people knew, but since high school all of them had sung together in their school's glee club and after their years at the local Westerville High, they'd stuck around town and continued. They had a regular gig down at Straight and Narrow and all the boys loved going down there and performing. They weren't technically a band or a group or anything, but everyone would get a turn at singing solo (not quite the case back in school, Blaine was continually reminded) whilst the others played to their strengths. Cameron was a demon on the drums, and Nick and Blaine were both pretty good at the guitar.

And now that it was Saturday morning, Nick figured he should be pretty happy. But he wasn't. He had to face another day alone with Jeff and he didn't know how long he could keep it up. There was clearly something wrong with him and he wanted to help, but the blonde wasn't letting him. And the tension was high in the house because Nick didn't know what to say and Jeff wasn't saying anything.

When the phone rang, Nick answered it quickly, grateful for the distraction from the awkwardness. "Hello?"

"_Hi Nick_," Kurt's voice sounded from the other end of the line and Nick smiled. He was probably calling to catch up on any gossip on Nick's housemate but he certainly wouldn't be getting anything.

"Hey Kurt. What's up?"

"_Well, I just got a call from Cameron who said he couldn't make it to the gig tonight._"

"Aw, really?" Nick sighed – they'd be without a decent drummer. Cameron had been teaching David the basics and he'd do, but it certainly wasn't as good as having the 'real thing'. "Damn."

"_I know. But anyway, there's another reason I called. I was thinking your friend could come along tonight if he wanted._"

Nick raised an eyebrow. Normally he would have said no straightaway – Jeff could be recognised and the secret would be out. There was no way he could live something like that down. But the fact that Cameron wasn't going to be there – the only person who could really identify Jeff – was keeping the idea churning in his mind. The least he could do was ask, right?

"Give me a minute," he said finally, putting the phone down and going to look for Jeff.

He found him in the living room, playing around on his phone. He looked up when he heard Nick enter.

"Hey, um, Jeff…" the brunette trailed off, unsure of what to say.

"Yeah?"

He decided to just go for it and get it all out at once. "Some of my friends and I have this gig at one of the bars downtown tonight and Kurt was wondering if you wanted to come."

The blonde was silent and just stared at Nick in confusion for a good minute or so. To cover the awkwardness, Nick mumbled, "If you want to, you know, you don't have to or anything, and Kurt's a nosy bastard sometimes so he's just pushing me to find out what's going on, and-"

"You sing?"

The question was more than what it seemed, Nick could tell. He nodded. "Yeah. And play guitar."

"Oh. I didn't know that."

More silence. It seemed almost stifling and Nick just wanted an answer so he could get the hell out of there. Maybe it would be better if Jeff didn't go, just in case. But then the blonde stammered, "You, uh, you… want me to come?"

"Well, if you want to."

Jeff seemed to be gauging him, watching him carefully for any hidden catch that hadn't yet been mentioned. But there wasn't anything and Nick waited uncomfortably until finally the blonde replied, "That…" He cleared his throat. "That sounds good."

"So you'll come?"

"Yeah."

Nick smiled and thanked him before returning to the phone to tell Kurt. A few arrangements were made – Kurt wasn't to tell any of the others that Jeff was coming, or even that he existed. Nick wanted to try and explain that himself, because Kurt might get it wrong or stretch what little 'truth' he knew and then awkward questions would come up. The more he could control, the better.

When he finally got off the phone he smiled to himself. He'd heard Jeff sing – now it was time for the tables to turn.

* * *

><p>Jeff felt very awkward as he followed Nick into the bar. He wasn't quite sure why he'd agreed to come, considering Nick's life had nothing to do with him. But the idea that Nick sang, like he did, had tempted him and in the end temptation had won out. He had to know what he sounded like, if he was any good; he couldn't resist. But there was the fact that this was Nick's life and his friends, and he had no right to be part of it.<p>

Though, he thought, he was already a part of it, and had been since he'd been saved from the beating on the side of the road.

Inside the half-full bar, Jeff hung back as Nick grinned and moved to greet a group of guys setting up equipment for the gig. When they saw him they called out hellos and some went to chat. The blonde watched them silently with an almost wistful half-smile. Nick had all these friends and a decent life and was happy – there was nothing Jeff wanted more than that. But there was no point in even thinking about that, because it wasn't going to happen. At least he had the chance to see what he could have had, though he wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

When Nick gestured to him, he walked over hesitantly and tried to smile but he felt incredibly uncomfortable with the four other guys staring at him in curiosity and confusion.

"Guys, this is an old friend of mine, Jeff," Nick said, before introducing his friends. "Jeff, this is Wes, David, Blaine, and you know Kurt." Jeff tried his best to remember names and faces (but why did it matter?) and by the time had gone through them all he was fairly confident that he knew them all. It wasn't too hard – the Asian was Wes, the black guy was David and Blaine was the one attached to Kurt. Then two newcomers walked up, to smiles from all around, and now he had to remember Thad and his wife, Ivy.

He could do that.

"Hey, look, I'm gonna help the guys finish setting up, okay?" Nick said before following the guys back to what they'd been doing, Thad right behind him. It left Jeff alone with the redheaded woman and he bit his lip.

"Hi," he said softly, smiling when she held out her hand and replied, "Hi, I'm Ivy." He shook her hand and when she offered to buy him a drink, he didn't refuse and followed her to the bar. For the next ten minutes they chatted easily – mostly about her and her recent marriage. Soon enough she happened to mention something interesting that Jeff couldn't help but ask to hear more about.

"Unfortunately, Nick couldn't make it to the reception…"

"Why not?"

"Oh, apparently he had to leave, he wasn't feeling well," Ivy smiled.

In Jeff's hazy memories of barely a week ago, he remembered Nick, and he remembered him in fancy black and white. Of course, he wasn't sure if he could trust his memories because of the overdose, but the timing matched up and he couldn't shake the niggling feeling that Nick hadn't left the wedding because he was sick. He'd left because he'd gotten a call from a drugged-up hooker begging him to save him.

Why would he do that? Jeff couldn't wrap his head around it. But then again, practically everything Nick had done for him had almost blown his mind. Saving his life all those times, paying him to sleep on his couch, letting him stay when he'd had nowhere else to go, introducing him to Kurt and the others as his friend, inviting him to come to the bar. None of it made any sense and he wasn't sure it ever would.

Just then, a familiar voice cut through the chatter of the bar, amplified by a microphone, and both Jeff and Ivy turned to listen.

"Hey everyone. Yeah, we're back. We'll keep coming until you get sick of us." Nick was sat on a stool behind the mike, guitar in hand. The others were set up behind him with varying instruments – Blaine with another guitar, David on the drums, Thad smiling at his wife from his keyboard. There were a few laughs at what Nick had said before the brunette continued. "I hope you all enjoy this one."

With that, he began to play, only David and Blaine joining in. Jeff watched, intrigued, until Nick began to sing – and then he couldn't help but stare.

_And I'd give up forever to touch you  
>'Cause I know that you feel me somehow<br>You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
>And I don't want to go home right now<em>

His voice was quiet and low, a little rough around the edges in a way that sent shivers down Jeff's spine – in a good way, he thought. His hands were gentle on the guitar and he sang with the tiniest smile on his face as he looked out over the patrons of the bar. Not everyone seemed as interested in the song and Jeff couldn't understand why, when the guy's voice was as beautiful and stunning as _that_.

_And all I can taste is this moment  
>And all I can breathe is your life<br>'Cause sooner or later it's over  
>I just don't want to miss you tonight<em>

Jeff was enthralled, unable to look away from the brunette man across the bar. From the moment he'd heard that Nick could sing he'd been insanely curious to know how good he was and now there was no denying that there was no better voice he'd ever heard. There was passion in his voice that Jeff couldn't even begin to understand and he was at a loss as to why these guys were only singing in some Westerville bar.

_And I don't want the world to see me  
>'Cause I don't think that they'd understand<br>When everything's made to be broken  
>I just want you to know who I am<em>

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
>Or the moment of truth in your lies<br>When everything feels like the movies  
>Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive<em>

For a moment Nick caught the blonde's eye and Jeff stared with wide eyes into ones unable to be read. They were a mix of a million different emotions and before Jeff could figure out what any of them were or what they meant, Nick looked away and he was left confused.

_And I don't want the world to see me  
>'Cause I don't think that they'd understand<br>When everything's made to be broken  
>I just want you to know who I am<em>

For a minute or so there were no words and the blonde watched Nick's hands as they brought the music from the guitar; strong hands carrying the soft feeling of the song out into the air so gently and beautifully. He couldn't look away as Nick closed his eyes and it was clear he felt the music deeply in a way Jeff had never seen before. There was singing for entertainment and then there was _this_ – something powerful and intense. When Nick finally started singing again it jolted Jeff out of his reverie and he chewed on his lip thoughtfully, contemplating.

_And I don't want the world to see me  
>'Cause I don't think that they'd understand<br>When everything's made to be broken  
>I just want you to know who I am<em>

_And I don't want the world to see me  
>'Cause I don't think that they'd understand<br>When everything's made to be broken  
>I just want you to know who I am<em>

_I just want you to know who I am  
>I just want you to know who I am<br>I just want you to know who I am_

When the music trailed away to applause, Jeff couldn't quite bring himself to move. It was only Ivy clapping beside him that tore him from his thoughts and brought him back to the present. He gave the group the respect they deserved, clapping as well, until it all died down and Nick slipped off his seat, letting Blaine take it. He settled up the back, away from most of the attention from the crowd and Jeff noticed he was keeping his eyes to the floor, barely looking up for long enough to smile to his audience in thanks. Ivy didn't seem to notice and if she did, she didn't think it important enough to mention.

"He's good, isn't he?" she said, nudging Jeff with her shoulder and smiling. The blonde smiled in return and replied without hesitation, "He's amazing."

* * *

><p>Sunday brought a slightly more talkative day between the pair as they chatted a little about Nick's singing skills, though the brunette was a little embarrassed that Jeff thought so highly of his voice. When Monday came, he was faced with the decision between forcing Jeff to leave or letting him stay at the house alone while he went to his classes. In the end, he hoped he knew the blonde well enough to trust him in his home alone and headed off.<p>

By the time he reached his favourite time of the week, photography class, he'd suffered through quite a few hours of the most tedious and boring lectures of his life and was ready to kick back. But when he got to the class, hoping he might be able to relax a little, he found Celia about to begin yet another lecture, and he groaned loudly – to Celia's annoyance.

To avoid her, he hid up the back of the room with Dean and settled down to listen. Except he didn't – he tuned out almost instantly and instead turned his thoughts back to Jeff. It was becoming a habit; whenever he was alone he'd start to think about Jeff and his situation and a whole load of other related things. Earlier, he'd wondered how long the blonde would be staying with him, and it both surprised and scared him to realise that he didn't really want the guy to go. Despite the tension, he enjoyed his talks with Jeff and wanted to know more about him. He wanted to help him. Not only was he in a bad situation, but he was clearly in pain and hurting and Nick just wanted to help. He wasn't a hundred per cent sure why, but he was definitely sure he wanted to get Jeff out of that life. It wasn't fair on him and there were so many other things he could be doing, if he had the chance. He could actually have a life. But if Jeff wanted that, then he wasn't showing it. He was just clamming up and keeping more and more to himself.

He hadn't had any of the dreams he'd previously had about Jeff since he'd crashed on his couch and Nick was immensely grateful for that. He'd been able to brush them off before but he wasn't sure he'd be able to deal with the awkwardness if Jeff was in the same house. Of course, the awkwardness would be self-made and he knew that, but it didn't make it any less weird. He was just glad he wasn't dreaming about him anymore and he forced his head back to Celia's lecture so as not to think about it because _that_ was tempting fate.

The woman, elegant as always in a Grecian-style dress and her light hair pulled up in a loose bun, was walking around the room handing out slips of paper. It all looked very familiar and Nick sat up in his chair to at least make it appear he'd been paying attention. Dean glanced over at him but said nothing, apparently still annoyed about being snapped at before. Nick had meant to apologise but it must have slipped his mind and he felt terrible about it. His effort to look interested failed now that he was thinking about that and when Celia reached him she sighed and tapped him on the shoulder. Nick jumped and blinked at her before realizing.

"Sorry," he mumbled, casting his gaze down to the floor in embarrassment. He liked Celia and loved this class, and it wasn't her fault that he had so much on his mind. He should have been paying more attention, and he should have apologised to Dean earlier, and reminded of that, what was Jeff up to?

There he went again.

Celia pressed a small piece of paper into his hand and smiled at him, shaking her head when he started in surprise again. "Get whatever's in your head sorted out. It seems you have a lot going on up there." Then she moved on, handing a slip to Dean and continuing around the room. Nick turned to his friend and managed to smile at him.

"Sorry about shouting at you."

"Hey, you're right," Dean grinned "Like Miss C said, you got a lot going on up there." He tapped Nick's head with his knuckles and the brunette laughed, pushing him away. He was glad his friend wasn't mad – he had enough to think about. Watching Dean open up the paper Celia had given him reminded Nick of his own and he glanced down, unfolding it. It was this week's assignment and his task to fulfill was…

_Beauty_

Nick chewed on his lip. He remembered something Celia had mentioned a few weeks ago when one of the students had gushed about how beautiful a particular photograph taken by another student was.

"_Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," Celia raised an eyebrow and studied the photograph – it was pretty enough, a butterfly atop a flower. "Always remember that. It's fickle and changes with the season, just like people, but what doesn't change are things that _mean_ something. It's a hard thing to define, but if it's powerful and emotional and it makes you feel something, then _that_ is what you have to aim for. Not beauty. Not aesthetics. Meaning. Make your work mean something and people will understand."_

He was sure Celia was screwing with him – maybe testing him to see if he was even paying attention to what she said in any of the classes? He caught her eye as she made her way back to the front of the room and she smiled at him knowingly. With a nod, she dismissed the class and everyone was up in seconds, filing out the door. Dean was moaning at Nick's side about how his assignment – family – was going to be extra hard because he had next to no relationship with his parents and siblings. The brunette muttered a quick goodbye and left him standing there – he had something he needed to talk to Celia about.

"Celia?" he asked quietly when everyone was gone. He was the only one she actually allowed to call her by her first name – to everyone else, it was just Miss C. It had been clear from the start that she fancied him a little but only to flirt playfully with – she knew he was gay and he knew she was happily married. The woman turned to face him with a smile. "Yes, Nick?"

"I don't understand," he said, holding the task paper up for an explanation. Celia laughed lightly and patted his arm.

"You were paying attention when I told you not to aim for beauty?"

Nick smirked, "Of course I was. I listen to everything you say, Celia."

"Well," the blonde rolled her eyes and continued "I think you're talented enough to figure out what I want you to do."

"As much as I appreciate the compliment, I'm not sure you're right. I don't get it. Am I aiming for beauty or not?"

Celia collected her things and headed for the door. Nick, being the gentleman that he was, moved over to it quickly to open it for her. She smiled at him as they left the classroom and she busied herself with locking the door behind them.

"There's nothing _wrong _with beauty, Nick. We all find certain things or people beautiful. But for it to mean anything, the majority has to understand it, and beauty is difficult in that respect. Strike the right balance…"

Nick grinned as he finally got it. "Thank you, Celia. I appreciate the help."

"Anytime, Nick."

* * *

><p>When Nick finally arrived home, it was to a seemingly empty house. He stood still for a moment, listening for any hint that Jeff was still in the house. He hadn't expected him to stay put while he was gone, but it was a little unnerving not knowing if he was there or not. Finally he heard it, faint noises coming from the bathroom. Biting his lip thoughtfully, he wandered over and called out, "Jeff?"<p>

There was a curse and the door opened to reveal the blonde dressed in his working clothes, minus the boots, his hair wet and a towel in his hands.

"Yeah?"

"Sorry, I just…" Suddenly he felt like an idiot.

Realization dawned on the blonde's face and he said quickly, "Did you want me to clear out? Sorry, I'll just grab my stuff…"

"No, you're alright," Nick replied a little too quickly for his liking and Jeff raised an eyebrow. Licking his lips, the brunette finished lamely, "I just… didn't know you were still here."

"Oh."

It was clear just how Jeff took that comment. Like Nick had expected him to be gone when he returned and he hadn't understood. Cursing himself inwardly, Nick tried to backpedal because that was definitely _not_what he'd meant.

"No, that's not… I mean… I didn't think you'd be here, like, now, I thought you'd be out or something… I didn't mean… I don't… I don't want you to leave – God, no, that didn't come out right, I mean… _fuck_…"

He sighed. Why couldn't Jeff just put him out of his misery and interrupt? Why the hell couldn't he get his words out right anymore? He was surprised when he heard the blonde laugh softly and he looked up just as Jeff stopped, biting his lip.

"I get it," he said quietly with the slightest of smiles playing around his lips. It faded almost as soon as it had appeared as he hesitantly asked, "Can… Can I still use the bathroom?"

"Oh, yeah!" Nick laughed nervously "You're cool. Sorry."

The blonde nodded and retreated back into the bathroom, the door hanging ajar and Nick couldn't resist a glance inside. He was already dressed; it wasn't like he was going to watch him shower or see him naked or anything pervy like that. So he stood hidden in the doorway and watched Jeff as he stood in front of the mirror and grabbed something from the bench top – lip gloss, he thought. Jeff uncapped it and sighed, pausing for a moment and staring at himself in the mirror before moving to press the brush to his lips and start the process.

Nick had no idea where the thought came from, nor why he had so little self-control.

"Can I take a photo of you?"

* * *

><p>Jeff was pretty sure that if Nick had waited a second longer before speaking, he would have ended up swallowing that gloss brush in his surprise. As it was, he managed to avoid doing so and instead turned to glare at the man looking at him sheepishly from the door. The words had even sunk in yet, he was just mad that he'd been interrupted and had the living daylights scared out of him. His expression softened to one of confusion when he realised what Nick had actually said.<p>

"What?"

"Oh, God, I don't even know why I said that," Nick clapped a hand over his mouth in horror "I am so sorry, I can't believe I said that out loud, please forget I said that, I'm going to go die in a hole now, I'm sorry." He backed up and disappeared from view, suitably mortified. Jeff stared at the spot where he'd been, thinking over that strange request.

He'd had someone ask that same question before a few years ago. Only they'd 'asked' in a more demanding way that insinuated it was in his best interest to agree, though they'd offered him a fairly large amount of money. If Sebastian hadn't been there, Jeff would have agreed but the older brunette had overheard the roadside conversation and stormed over, telling the guys in no uncertain terms to keep their perverted ideas to themselves. He'd never explained why he had such an aversion to it but Jeff just took it all in his stride. That was how Sebastian was. And thinking about Sebastian was something he didn't really want to do right now, considering they still weren't talking, so he shook his head and walked out of the bathroom to find Nick.

He was in the kitchen, getting himself a drink of water. Jeff let him finish it before speaking softly.

"Why?"

The brunette spun, mouth open slightly, and tried to explain. "I didn't mean it in a creepy way or anything, even though it sounded really bad, I just… I… I should never have said that, please just forget it."

"I'm not offended or anything," Jeff shrugged, though his heart raced as he wondered just what sort of pictures Nick had intended on taking. "Just curious."

As Nick calmed down and his raging blush started to subside, he explained what he'd meant – the photography class, the assignment, his weird and sudden flash of inspiration as he'd watched him putting on his makeup. Jeff leaned against the wall and listened, nodding occasionally when Nick paused. When he was finished, he was left with only one question and he _had_ to ask it even though his voice shaking and his throat was so dry.

"Y-You think I'm… beautiful?"

Nick only now seemed to realise the implications of asking for the photos and worked his jaw, trying to make sound come out. Jeff wasn't sure what he was expecting to hear, but he knew what he wanted to hear.

_I don't just want to hear it from Nick_, he reassured himself. _I'd hear it from anyone so long as someone said it to me and meant it. It's not just Nick._

"I – well… that's… um… that's what the makeup's for, right?" Nick finally replied shakily. It was by no means what Jeff wanted to hear. He didn't really want to tell him that, no, that's not what it was for, it was for making him look _hot_. He couldn't tell him because Nick was so embarrassed and flustered already and he could feel his own face heating up.

"G-Guess so."

There was a long and awkward silence that was only broken when Jeff spoke up quietly, "You can take the photos if you want."

The brunette looked at him curiously. "Are you sure?"

Jeff swallowed. "Will anyone recognise me?"

"No. I'll show you the pictures afterwards, if you want."

"Okay then. Come and do it."

Nick walked over to him and bit his lip nervously. "Are you really okay with this? I feel a bit weird…"

"It's fine," he cut the other off with a pointed look that clearly said that if he wanted the photos he'd shut his mouth. Nick nodded and mumbled that he needed to get his camera, disappearing quickly. Jeff sighed and mulled over his decision as he made his way back to the bathroom. It probably wasn't very smart and if Sebastian knew he'd very likely kill him – but that was a train of thought he didn't like and fast avoided. He stared at his makeup pieces on the bench top and wondered if Nick would _ever_ make sense.

Finally the brunette returned, camera in hand, and they stood awkwardly for a moment, not sure what to say.

"Can I just… before you start…" Jeff said, playing with his hands "Can this be part of my payment to you? For letting me stay here?" He knew he'd promised he'd pay Nick but even when he wasn't paying rent he was nearly flat broke and he was sure whatever amount Nick would ask for would be impossible.

The brunette just stared and Jeff was suddenly afraid. He continued, hoping to sway him. "I promised I'd pay you and I will; I just don't have a whole lot of money at the minute. This is all I really have to pay you with." He gestured to himself. "And you haven't really shown interest in _actually_ sleeping with me, which doesn't leave me many options. I'm not trying to get your sympathy though." He warned, anger heating in his chest. "You know I don't want it, I'm just telling it like it is. I'll do whatever it is you want in return for letting me stay, but if that involves money then… I don't have much." He finished brokenly, looking down at the floor and hating himself for opening up even that much. It was stupid and Nick was probably going to make him pay in money anyway…

"It's okay," Nick said. "It can be payment if you want."

"Thank you," Jeff replied lowly. Then he picked up the lip gloss again and glanced in the brunette's direction. "What do you want me to do?"

"Just what you normally do."

Trying to focus on applying the makeup properly was difficult with Nick and his camera in the background. It wasn't annoying; it was just making him nervous. This was something that separated him from Normal Jeff and Hooker Jeff – the line he had to cross between each persona. Once the face was on, Normal Jeff was gone and cheeky, smart-mouthed Hooker Jeff came out of hiding.

He didn't like Hooker Jeff.

When he finished, it was with a last sweep of glitter across his cheek and to the last soft click of the camera and Nick lowered it slowly. It was clear he felt uncomfortable about this as well but he quietly offered to show him the photos he'd taken. Jeff agreed, wondering if they were any good.

As soon as he saw the first picture on the screen of Nick's camera his jaw dropped slightly. He'd been right – there was no way anyone would ever recognise him. The picture was just of his lips and the brush coating them with gloss, gently and lightly. The light bounced off them at just the right angle to make them shine while still looking natural and normal. When Nick glanced over at him, Jeff realised he was meant to say something.

"You're… good. Really good."

A smile. "Thanks."

Nick scrolled through the photos. They ranged from Jeff's hand reaching down to take the next thing he needed to a brush of glitter across his cheek sparkling at yet again just the right angle. But it was one picture in the middle of the rest that caught Jeff's attention the most.

He was putting on his eyeliner underneath his eye, the upper lid already done. Somehow Nick had managed to capture him at a moment when his eye was fully exposed to the lens and not hidden by his hand and Jeff was vaguely impressed at the colour. He didn't usually take much notice of his eyes but now he couldn't help it and if he was allowed to admit it to himself, they were kind of pretty.

"That one's my favourite," Nick commented with a nervous smile. Jeff managed to smile back and he was glad he did – Nick's widened and he actually looked happy this time.

"Thank you for letting me do that."

"It's okay."

And it was.

* * *

><p>Nick didn't know what time it was nor did he care to – all he needed to know was that it was <em>very<em> late and someone was knocking on his bedroom door.

He growled, flicking on the lamp (he'd bought some cheap thing after Jeff had broken the other one) and glancing at the clock on his bedside table. Seeing the red numbers flash a proud 4:17 made him want to scream. It really just wasn't fair that someone had to go waking him up at four in the morning when he had both class and work that day. It took him a moment to realise who would be knocking at the door and when he did figure it out, he sat upright quickly, kicking the sheets away from his legs, and called out, "Come in."

Of course it would be Jeff. There wasn't anyone else in the house, unless it was a very polite burglar or murderer. And Jeff would have to be pretty desperate to have to wake him so it must be important. When the blonde walked in, Nick noted he was still in his shorts, wifebeater and boots – he can't have gotten home long ago. Jeff's words confirmed his thoughts.

"Sorry," he said, though there was a strange tone to his speech that Nick was wary of "But I just got back and remembered something."

"What?"

Jeff walked slowly over to the bed and perched himself on the edge, just out of reach – not that Nick wanted to grab him or anything. The brunette stared as Jeff crossed one leg over the other and continued talking softly as he began to undo the zip on the side of his boot, taking his sweet time.

"I've been staying here for days and I haven't done anything for you in return. I mean, there were the photos this afternoon but that's hardly enough. I owe you a lot more."

He slid off the boot and let it fall to the floor as he recrossed his legs and unzipped the other one. Nick opened his mouth to speak but he wasn't sure he could – Jeff was fixing him with a dark, sultry look through his lashes and licking his lips between each sentence.

"Let me show you how grateful I am," he smirked, dropping the second boot to the floor and twisting so he was on his knees at the foot of Nick's bed, one hand running through his hair. "I can be out of your way by morning, but I don't know…"

He crawled forward until he was an inch away from Nick's lips, a wicked smirk still in place on his own. "You might not want me to go."

The brunette swallowed hard and surged forward to kiss him, one hand reaching up to tug at Jeff's hair hard. He made a small sound of pain but in his hazy state, Nick was sure he deserved it for being such a tease. Jeff straddled him, hands roaming over his body and ripping off Nick's t-shirt before pulling him closer, chest to chest. His mouth moved to bite down on his neck and Nick gasped, tilting his head back and gripping Jeff's hair tighter.

He had no idea where the hell all this had come from but he wasn't complaining. Jeff was talented with his mouth as he marked the pale skin of his neck – and he was pretty talented with his hips as well, grinding down and making Nick moan, almost in surprise. He never got turned on so fast. Maybe Cameron was right, he hadn't had sex for far too long. But Cameron had no place in his head when he was in the middle of _Jeff_, and so that thought was quickly replaced with _who the fuck cares?_

Jeff forced him down onto his back, leaning back only to pull his wifebeater off and toss it to the floor before he was back with bruising force against his lips, demanding. Nick wasn't about to deny him anything at the moment and let go, opening his mouth to the blonde and running his hands down his back, nails digging in. But what he wanted most Jeff wasn't giving to him, and he whined insistently, one hand moving to palm himself. Jeff stopped it before it even got there and smirked.

"How long has it been?" he asked softly, fingertips teasingly light against Nick's hipbone. The brunette made a small, pathetic sound as he jerked his hips up to meet them – it wouldn't be enough but it would be something. Jeff however, was too smart for him and pulled his hand away.

"How long?" he asked again.

"Too long," Nick finally replied. It was the first time he'd even admitted it to himself. Jeff kissed him lightly and brought his hand back to play across his stomach.

"How bad do you want it?"

"So bad. Please…" Nick trailed off, frustrated. The blonde laughed and leaned away to sit between Nick's legs, and he rubbed a thumb across his pyjama-clad thigh. _So fucking close, you bastard_.

"What do you want me to do?" Jeff was far too relaxed for the brunette's liking, his hand never going where he wanted it to and that damn smirk never leaving his face as he spoke in a low voice.

It took all of Nick's willpower to stay focused long enough while Jeff teased him to say, "Blow me."

"As you like."

"Nick? Oh, shit, sorry! Sorry!"

There was the sound of a slamming door and Nick's eyes flew open to find a dark room. His room. And he was alone. Alone, covered in sweat, with a painful hard-on and Jeff on the other side of the door.

"I should have realised, sorry!" he was saying. "I just got back and I heard you through the door and I just wanted to make sure… I'm sorry! I shouldn't have barged in!"

"It's okay," Nick managed to reply in a hoarse voice, shaking a little from the vividness of the dream – of course it was a fucking dream. He heard Jeff's footsteps move away from the door and another door close loudly. He knew the blonde was giving him as much privacy as he could and he was grateful for that.

It took a disconcertingly short amount of time for him to come and not only was he embarrassed about that, but the fact he'd had another of those stupid dreams again. And Jeff had walked in on him. What had he heard? He dropped his head into his hands, mortified.

By the time he'd cleaned himself up and crawled back under the covers, he was exhausted and seeing as how he didn't want to think about what had just happened, he forced himself into a fitful sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>I love awkward Nick. He's funny :)<strong>

**I hope you liked it. Please review!**


	11. Where We Belong

**I have to apologise for how long it's taken to update. I wanted this done by the end of July at the very latest, and now it's September. I can't promise that the next chapter will be any quicker coming but I will certainly try my best. At any rate, the chapter's here and I hope you enjoy it :)**

When Nick woke, he had the vague memory of something happening the night before. He couldn't quite place what it was for a moment, and it was only when he hauled himself out of bed and out of his room, and caught sight of Jeff asleep on the couch, that he remembered. Suddenly blushing, Nick retreated to the kitchen and set about making coffee to take his mind off the whole situation.

It really wasn't working. His thoughts continually replayed the dream and subsequent embarrassment – but mostly the latter. He was ashamed not because he'd been caught in the midst of fantasizing about Jeff, but because he'd been caught _by_ Jeff. He knew people thought about Jeff like that – it was part of his job – but that made it all the worse. He didn't want Jeff the way those people wanted him. They wanted his body, his skills. Nick didn't want that.

And ignoring the fact that was a blatant lie, it opened a whole new can of worms.

_Do I actually want Jeff?_ Nick wondered, moving to look around the corner at the blonde stretched out on the couch, legs hanging over the edge and head to the side._ For who he is? As a friend?_

But they couldn't be friends. They couldn't be, because they came from two completely different worlds that just didn't fit. Nick was a student who worked part time at a café. Jeff was a dancer, stripper and hooker. They were so different. They never would have even met if not for strange circumstances.

Nick was broken from his thoughts by the muffled sound of a phone ringing. It took him a moment to realise it wasn't his, and that Jeff was waking up and digging under his pillow for his phone.

"Yeah?" he mumbled, clearly tired. The exhaustion vanished from his face almost instantly, to be replaced by worry and fear as whoever was on the other end spoke.

"What…? I-I'll be there as soon as I can. Don't let him go anywhere."

Quickly Jeff hung up and began throwing clothes on. Nick ducked back into the kitchen to give him some privacy, but when he heard the blonde running for the door he followed.

"What's going on?" he asked. Jeff whirled around with a faint gasp of surprise. "God, you scared me! I thought you were still asleep."

"Sorry," Nick apologised "You just sound worried. Is everything okay?"

Jeff sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Nick didn't really expect him to answer and was pleasantly surprised when he did. "No. It's… It's Sebastian. Something's wrong. I have to go, I have to talk to him…"

He turned for the door again, and just as he was walking out Nick spoke up. "You need a lift?"

The blonde stared at him curiously for a moment. "I-If you wouldn't mind…"

Nick said nothing more – just grabbed his keys and followed Jeff out.

* * *

><p>Jeff stared out of the window for the entire trip, too concerned over the phone call to think about Nick. It replayed again and again in his head, tormenting him with how little he knew.<p>

"_Yeah?"_

"Jeff? You have to get down to the club. Now. I'm not kidding. Sebastian's here and something's wrong with him. He's shaking and screaming and… I don't know what to do. Jeff, you have to help him."

"What…? I-I'll be there as soon as I can. Don't let him go anywhere."

Trent hadn't explained what was wrong, and now Jeff's still-sleepy mind was scrambling to catch up and make sense of it all. He could certainly guess what was wrong – Sebastian had probably taken a little more coke than his body could handle, or he'd been mixing drugs again. But it didn't mean that every time wasn't scary as hell.

He hadn't spoken to Sebastian since Friday night, days ago. He'd called every day but to no answer. He'd just assumed he was being stubborn and not ready to talk – as he had every right to be, considering the awful things Jeff had said to him – but now it was becoming more and more obvious that Sebastian hadn't been coping. And Jeff knew that whatever happened as a result was entirely his fault. He'd said those terrible things and walked out and hadn't spoken to him for so long and generally been an asshole. If something bad happened, he would never forgive himself, especially when he hadn't meant a word of those insults.

When Nick pulled up outside the club, Jeff was out of the car and heading towards the back entrance in seconds. He stopped only when he remembered his manners and ran back, leaning through the open window.

"Thank you," he said "You didn't have to do that. I really appreciate it."

"It's fine," Nick replied quietly "Do you want me to wait?"

"Don't you have things to be doing?" Jeff tilted his head, confused. Surely he had better things to be doing than waiting around for him. The brunette ducked his head and swore under his breath. "Yeah, I actually have class. I can't believe I forgot about that. Look, you still have a key, right?"

Jeff nodded. He'd tried to give it back but Nick had waved it off, saying he may as well keep it until he returned to his own place. "Good, 'cause I've got classes all morning and then I'm working until about six thirty, so I won't be able to let you in. I mean, if you're still staying, of course," Nick added on the end, looking away. The blonde managed a small smile and replied, "We'll have to see."

He stepped back and Nick pulled away, disappearing quickly. As soon as he was gone, Jeff whipped around and ran for the back entrance. He found it unlocked already and as he pushed open the door, the first thing to hit his ears was someone screaming. It was a voice he recognised instantly. Jeff raced through the trashed backstage area towards the sound and soon enough found Trent and Sebastian in the dressing room.

Trent was backed up against a wall, trying to placate the taller man who stood rooted to the spot in the middle of the room, screaming wildly.

"I'm dead! I'm dead! You can't find me! NO!" Sebastian was clearly distressed, hands covering his eyes and every muscle trembling. Jeff stared from the doorway, unsure what to do. He'd never seen him react like this to any drug he'd taken. Suddenly Sebastian seemed to notice his presence in the room and he moved his hands to stare at Jeff. The blonde started in surprise. His eyes were wide and the whites of one had turned red from blood vessels burst under strain – he looked like a madman.

"Jeff?" he whimpered, and for a moment the man in question thought he might be coming down off whatever high had made him so insane. But that hope was shattered a moment later when Sebastian screamed, "No! How could you? Why would you betray me? I trusted you; now they're going to kill me!"

"Sebastian, no one's going to hurt you," Jeff said, taking a cautious step forwards "I promise. I want to help you."

In response to Jeff moving, Sebastian stumbled back and tripped, falling to the floor in a heap. Jeff ran to his side and dropped to his knees, pulling him close. Sebastian fought back, still shouting about someone finding him, and being dead. Jeff refused to let go. "Seb, it's okay, they're not going to find you, you're safe, I promise, it's okay, you need to calm down."

He knew he wouldn't get through until he came down, but there was no way he was going to leave Sebastian in such a terrified, confused state of mind on his own. He continued talking to him, arms tight around the brunette's chest until finally, he began to slow down.

"Jeff?" His muscles relaxed and he dropped his head back on to Jeff's shoulder. The blonde whispered, "Shh, it's alright, you're okay."

"Come back home?"

Jeff nodded, guilt hitting him hard. "Of course. I'm so sorry, Seb. I should never have said what I said. I'm sorry."

"M'sorry too," Sebastian's eyes began to close, and his words were slurred. Jeff shook him, not wanting him to fall asleep because if he did, there was no telling if he would ever wake up.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. Come on, we have to get you some help."

Glancing over, Jeff realised Trent hadn't moved since he'd arrived and he gestured for him to come over and help him. Together, they managed to get a half-asleep Sebastian to his feet.

"You have to fix this," Trent said quietly "I can't keep watching the two of you destroy yourselves."

"I'm trying," Jeff sighed "But I don't know if it'll do any good."

* * *

><p>When Nick got home at quarter to seven, Jeff wasn't there. In fact, there was no sign that he'd even returned during the day at all. Everything was just as it had been left this morning – the clothes and other contents of Jeff's messenger bag strewn over the couch and floor as he'd rushed to get to Sebastian. Some of them had been hastily shoved back in, but most of the clothes were just in a heap, and a small piece of paper lay nearby. Nick remembered exactly how Jeff had reacted the last time he'd helped him out with his things, but he didn't want to leave them there. He could just see himself standing on something or breaking something important.<p>

He picked up the bag from the floor and laid it on the couch before moving to get the paper. It was creased all over, like it had been folded and unfolded a thousand times, each time a different way. He certainly didn't mean to look at what was on it, but the image caught his eye and he just couldn't help himself.

It was a photo, and of the two people in it Nick instantly recognised one of them. He was much younger, with the long gawky limbs of a teenager and a softer face, but there was no mistaking those eyes. They hadn't changed at all – no matter how much Jeff tried to change his appearance now, his eyes would always give him away. Dark, perhaps brown, perhaps hazel, maybe something else entirely. Soft. Young. Full of a child's hopes and a dreamer's ambitions.

The other person in the photo was much younger, no more than four or five. She was a beautiful little girl in a paint-spattered blue shirt and jeans, with waves of brown hair and a bright smile, and Nick couldn't help but smile himself. She was on Jeff's back, arms wrapped around his shoulders tightly so she didn't fall off. Both of them looked so happy. Nick could scarcely believe that the boy in the photo was the same insecure, introverted man that was staying with him, who entertained horny gay men and sold his body to pay the rent. What had happened between then and now to change him? To make him go down the path he was on now, and force him to lose the innocence he so clearly showed in the photo?

Nick blinked. He shouldn't be looking at this. This was something very private and he knew if Jeff found out he'd seen it, he'd blow. Hurriedly he slipped the photo into the blonde's bag and left the room, shaking his head. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't remove that image from his mind.

Jeff had been happy once. Now he was stuck doing something he would likely never escape from. It wasn't fair. But there was nothing Nick could do to change that.

And it made him sick.

* * *

><p>Hauling a half-conscious man down the street at ten o'clock at night was not Jeff's idea of fun, but when it was Sebastian… there was nothing he wouldn't do for him.<p>

Jeff sighed as they stumbled through the door of the apartment building and made their way to the front door of their room. On the other side of Sebastian, Trent stopped and glanced over. "Are you okay…"

"Yeah," the blonde interrupted, waving him off with his free hand "Thank you."

Trent slipped out from under the heavy arm of Sebastian and opened the door for them. Jeff dragged the taller man into the room and gently lay him down on his bed before rubbing his eyes. Trent came up behind him and rested a hand on the blonde's shoulder.

"Call me if you need me, okay?"

"Will do," Jeff mumbled, too tired to be taking much in. The other nodded and left, closing the door silently behind him.

It left Jeff and a half-asleep, groaning Sebastian alone and suddenly the small room seemed so huge. Jeff felt like his life was just falling apart and he had no idea how to keep it all together. Everything had been fine up until about a month ago when he'd been attacked by those two idiots and Nick had stepped in to rescue him. And even though he'd saved his life, he'd fucked it up repeatedly after that. But he'd also been there to help when he'd needed it – something no one else had done.

Carefully, Jeff pulled the blanket out from underneath Sebastian and laid it over him, tucking it around his shoulders. The man was still shaking and practically incoherent, and what he said when he was speaking clearly enough made no sense anyway. People finding him, betrayal, Max, and so many apologies to people Jeff had never heard his friend mention. Kelly was mentioned a few times, but it was the moans of 'I'm so sorry, Mom' and 'forgive me, Dad' that both piqued his curiosity and scared him at the same time. Sebastian would never had breathed a word of any of this had he been thinking clearly and not under the influence of… whatever he'd taken.

The staff at the hospital had been rather inconsiderate of Sebastian's state. They'd done what they could in the emergency room to keep him from slipping away in his fitful sleep, but as soon as they'd deemed him stable enough they'd all but forced him, Jeff and Trent out. Jeff was used to it after fights, overdoses and drug deals gone wrong, but now it seemed to hurt all the more that these people didn't care. It was nothing new, but it hurt like the first time he'd had to rush Sebastian to hospital after someone had beaten him up and he'd literally had to scream to get someone's attention. It stabbed into his heart and he grabbed at his shirt as if he could seize that pain and just rip it out.

He noticed the room was quieter now and realised Sebastian had fallen completely silent. Quickly he checked to make sure he was still breathing, and when he was happy he settled down on his own bed, pulling the blanket up around him and closing his eyes. His things were still at Nick's, but he'd get them tomorrow. A paranoid, distrustful part of him worried that Nick might go through his belongings, see what nobody in Jeff's life had ever been allowed to see aside from Sebastian briefly. But a larger part of him told himself not worry about it. Nick had proved himself trustworthy time and time again. It would be okay for the night.

"Jeff," Sebastian's soft voice surprised the blonde and he opened his eyes to stare at the man across from him. He was barely awake, his eyes only just half-open.

"Yeah?"

"Are you really there?" His tone was so quiet Jeff could barely hear him, but he heard it and more – the fear behind his voice, the tremor of worry that this wasn't real. Managing a smile, Jeff nodded. "Yeah, I'm here."

"Good," the brunette yawned and snuggled down into his pillow, cocooning himself in his blanket. "I missed you."

Jeff paused for a moment, before whispering, "Missed you too, Seb."

But Sebastian was already asleep.

* * *

><p>It was early when Jeff quietly let himself into the house. He didn't want any sort of confrontation with Nick about his leaving; while he knew the guy meant well, he wasn't sure if Nick would try to convince him to stay or not. When he'd first asked if he could crash, he never would have thought like this, but now that he'd gotten to know the brunette a little better he could safely say it was an option Nick might take.<p>

He pulled the door up but didn't shut it, not wanting to make too much noise, before going to collect his things. He found them in the same state he'd left them – all over the floor. With a sigh, Jeff shoved them all back into the bag – he was grateful Nick hadn't touched them, but he was stupid to have left his stuff all over the place like that. It wasn't exactly a nice thing to do when he was living off someone else's kindness.

Silently Jeff walked to the bathroom and grabbed his makeup, tucking it away in his bag. As he slipped passed Nick's room he chewed on his lip, half hating himself for what he was doing. He shouldn't be sneaking out, leaving without saying anything, but he just couldn't face Nick right now. Everything was too fragile at the moment, what with Sebastian still passed out and only just starting to come off the drugs, and his own guilt over what he'd said to his friend.

_He's fucking better than you._

He'd essentially told Sebastian he was worthless. Nothing. He could barely believe he'd said it, but he had and now it had all spiralled into this mess. He could apologise all he wanted but Jeff knew he would never get over the guilt, and neither of them would ever forget this. They would never mention it again, but it would never go away.

Ducking into the kitchen, Jeff grabbed the notepad and pen he'd used to write the first note he'd left for Nick, telling him to come by Body Shots. What a brilliant idea that had been. He should have just left it alone. Not seeing Nick again would have been the best option, but of course hindsight was bitch.

_Thank you for letting me stay. You have no idea how much you helped me. I'm sorry I didn't say this to your face, but I think it's better this way. I've left you the money I promised you and if it's not enough to cover everything, come see me and I'll give you what you need. _

_Jeff_

Digging through his bag, he pulled out the cash he'd earned throughout the week and counted it out. He left himself about a quarter of what he'd need for the rent, knowing he could make it up before it was due, and placed the rest on the counter beside the note and the spare key Nick had let him borrow.

And then there was nothing left to do but leave. Jeff made his way to the door slowly, quietly, and pulled it open. It was then that he paused. He really should say something…  
><em><br>No_, he thought, steeling himself. _It's time to go_.

He was two steps out the door when he heard the voice from behind him.

"I can't take this."

Jeff turned to see Nick a little way off, holding the cash in his hand. "Jeff, I can't take it."

"I promised I'd pay you." He just wanted to get out of there now. This was going to go one of two ways - get incredibly awkward, or end up in a fight. But Nick wouldn't back down.

"You need it more than I do." He held his hand out but Jeff shook his head. "No. I won't go back on what I promised. Just keep it and let it go."

He moved to leave but Nick was faster, stepping forward and grabbing his arm with his free hand. Jeff stared at him and saw worry in his eyes.

"Please don't go."

"Sebastian needs me." The blonde tried to pull away unsuccessfully; Nick pulled him closer to stop him, his grip tightening painfully.

"Please."

Jeff spoke as calmly as he could, despite Nick's actions scaring him a little. "You're hurting me, Nick. Let me go."

The brunette stared at him blankly for a moment before what he'd said finally sank in. He let go of Jeff's arm so quickly the blonde was pushed backwards, towards the door.

"I-I'm sorry…" he stammered, looking horrified at what he'd done "I didn't mean to…"

"I'm going to go now."

But for some reason his legs wouldn't work properly and instead of taking him out the door they wouldn't move at all. He leaned against the doorframe, closing his eyes and willing himself to get out of there.

"If you ever need anything…" Nick trailed off for a moment, speaking quietly "My door's always open to you."

It was as if with those words his feet had become unstuck from the floor, like he was waiting for that confirmation before he could leave. Jeff didn't know, but he was glad to get out of that situation. He stepped outside and just before he shut the door, he mumbled two words he hoped Nick would hear.

"Thank you."

**hyrew, areinperry - thank you for the amazing reviews :) I can't thank you, and everyone else who's reviewed, enough. And speaking of reviews - we've hit 100! I'm amazed that this has so much love and support from you readers, I honestly didn't think anyone would like it a whole lot. It was just a random idea I felt I had to at least start writing down, and I'm glad I did :) **


	12. Complicated

**I apologise for the wait. If you're following me on tumblr, you'll know I've been without internet for a while and this is the first chance I've gotten to update. I have been waiting for ages to post this chapter because I've been looking forward to it for ages! It kind of went a little off-track to what I'd planned, particularly Nick, but I'm really excited about this chapter. **

**I can't remember for the life of me who requested I use Ed Sheeran's The A Team, but it was a brilliant idea and I'm glad you mentioned it. Hopefully you know who you are :)**

**Now, read on!**

* * *

><p>Nick hadn't heard from Jeff all week.<p>

He didn't like to admit it to himself, but he was worried about the guy; and the only reason he didn't want to admit it was because that meant he cared about him, and he shouldn't. He shouldn't care about a guy that, if not for exceptional circumstances, he would never have met. He shouldn't care, but for some reason he did and it worried him that he hadn't heard anything from the blonde.

He'd considered going out and cruising around to see if he could spot him working the street, but he'd decided against it. The last time he'd done that, he'd ended up getting a little too involved with him. His dreams didn't help. He hadn't had a night free from the dreams since the night Jeff had walked in on him. Except it was different now. Before, the dreams had been varied in their premise but they always ended the same – Jeff got fucked. But now he was having the same odd dream night after night and it was nothing like his previous ones. In this one, he swept in to save Jeff from some faceless attacker and he carried him away somewhere safe, away from the streets and the job and the drugs and the pain. He kept him safe, protecting him from everyone who wanted him, who wanted to use him.

The ending constantly confused him. He would lean over to Jeff and whisper softly in his ear, three little words. And then just as Jeff turned to him, opened his mouth to reply, Nick would wake. He never got his answer and for some reason, that was more confusing than the fact he told Jeff he loved him in his dreams every night.

He wasn't sure exactly what had convinced his subconscious that going to Body Shots that Friday night was a good idea, considering the last time he'd been there had been nothing short of a disaster. But here he was, walking into the club, ears assaulted by the loud, pumping music, with the single-minded intention of seeing Jeff. He looked straight to the stage and saw only a few dancers there that were certainly not Jeff, entertaining the crowd. It appeared he'd have to wait. He headed to the bar and ordered himself a drink, letting his eyes wander across the room. Some of the Body Shots' dancers were mixed in with the crowd, hanging onto someone who'd slipped them enough cash to let them touch. Jeff wasn't there. But his eyes caught on someone else, sneaking away from the bright lights to the shadows with someone firmly attached to his lips.

Nick raised an eyebrow, but if he was honest with himself he wasn't entirely surprised. With the amount of time Cameron spent at the club, it wasn't shocking to find him here on a Friday night. The part he found curious was the fact it was Trent he was dragging away from most prying eyes, neither of them seemingly able to let go of each other for a second. A moment later and they both disappeared 'backstage'. Nick sighed. _Lucky bastard. Nothing's complicated for him_.

He was distracted from his thoughts as the song that was playing ended, and a new one began playing that he recognised instantly. He turned to the stage instinctively, and wasn't disappointed. Entering from one side of the half-moon stage was an achingly familiar blonde, decked out in only those tight leather pants he remembered so well, and a wide choker around his neck. And then he started to sing, and Nick _knew_ he should be anywhere but here. A voice like his, sensual and smooth, deserved a whole lot more than a dirty club like this.

_Come here rude boy  
>Boy, can you get it up?<br>Come here rude boy  
>Boy, is you big enough?<br>Take it, take it  
>Baby, baby<br>Take it, take it  
>Love me, love me<em>

_Come here rude boy  
>Boy, can you get it up?<br>Come here rude boy  
>Boy, is you big enough?<br>Take it, take it  
>Baby, baby<br>Take it, take it  
>Love me, love me<em>

As he sang he walked out to the front of the stage, swinging his hips with every step and let those who could reach slip money into the top of his short boots or slide their hand up his leg as he passed. The sultry, dark look in his made-up eyes was clear – this was Syxe. The whore. The entertainer. The slut. His movements were slow and rhythmic, rolling his shoulders and hips to the beat and not a single person could keep their eyes off him.

_Tonight I'm a let you be the captain  
>Tonight I'm a let you do your thing, yeah<br>Tonight I'm a let you be a rider  
>Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up babe<em>

_Tonight I'm a let it be fire  
>Tonight I'm a let you take me higher<br>Tonight, baby we can get it on  
>Yeah we can get it on, yeah<em>

_Do you like it boy?  
>I wa-wa-want what you wa-wa-want<br>Give it to me baby like boom, boom, boom  
>What I wa-wa-want is what you wa-wa-want<br>Na, na, ah-ah_

Nick's attention was pulled briefly by another person walking onto the stage from the other side, dressed in the tall, wedge-heeled red boots he was pretty sure was this guy's signature, black shorts that barely reached his thighs and hid nothing, and a dark blue jacket over his bare chest. Sebastian – Courvoisier, Nick figured, considering he was on the stage – strutted out to sing the next part of the song, taking over from Syxe. He appeared to be doing well after whatever trouble he'd suffered through that had had Jeff running to him in a panic. But then he opened his eyes for a moment, and Nick saw one was blood-red. It seemed to be turning some of the audience off, as he had significantly less cash on him than his partner when he reached the front of the stage beside Syxe.

_Come here rude boy  
>Boy, can you get it up?<br>Come here rude boy  
>Boy, is you big enough?<br>Take it, take it  
>Baby, baby<br>Take it, take it  
>Love me, love me<em>

_Come here rude boy  
>Boy, can you get it up?<br>Come here rude boy  
>Boy, is you big enough?<br>Take it, take it  
>Baby, baby<br>Take it, take it  
>Love me, love me<em>

_Tonight I'm a give it to you harder  
>Tonight I'm a turn your body out<br>Relax, let me do it how I wanna  
>If you got it, I need it<br>And I'm a put it down_

The blonde wound his body around Courvoisier as he danced, letting the other sing and run his hands over his chest, his defined stomach, his hips. It wasn't right in Nick's mind, but that was the act – though it didn't seem like an act at times, when Syxe reached up and fisted a hand in the other's hair, grinding back into him, a look of pure sex in his eyes as Courvoisier skimmed his fingers over his body. The men watching were lapping it up, some trying to grab at them and others practically throwing cash in their direction. It made Nick sick to see it. But then, he could barely take his eyes off the blonde beauty on the stage.

_Buckle up, I'm a give it to you stronger  
>Hands up, we can go a little longer<br>Tonight I'm a get a little crazy  
>Get a little crazy, baby<em>

_You like it boy?  
>I wa-wa-want what you wa-wa-want<br>Give it to me baby like boom, boom, boom  
>What I wa-wa-want is what you wa-wa-want<br>Na, na, ah-ah_

_Come here rude boy  
>Boy, can you get it up?<br>Come here rude boy  
>Boy, is you big enough?<br>Take it, take it  
>Baby, baby<br>Take it, take it  
>Love me, love me<em>

_Come here rude boy  
>Boy, can you get it up?<br>Come here rude boy  
>Boy, is you big enough?<br>Take it, take it  
>Baby, baby<br>Take it, take it  
>Love me, love me<em>

Suddenly Syxe took over the song, slipping out of the other's hands to stand alone for a moment and sing. Nick couldn't help but wonder what his name would actually sound like in that sexy 'fuck me' voice, rather than just in his dreams, and that thought turned him on almost as much as watching him sway his hips and slide a hand down his thigh, teasing and playful. He watched as Courvoisier came up behind him, grabbed his blonde hair and eased his head back, his other hand curving around Syxe's body to play across his hip.

_I like the way you touch me there  
>I like the way you pull my hair<br>Babe, if I don't feel it I ain't faking  
>No, no<em>

_I like when you tell me kiss you there  
>I like when you tell me move it there<br>So get it up  
>Time to get it up<br>You say you're a rude boy  
>Show me what you got now<em>

_Come here right now_

He belted out the words before tipping his head up and staring out with a smirk into the watching audience, curling his finger in a 'come-hither' gesture. Courvoisier didn't stop touching him as the blonde continued to sing, his hands never leaving the muscled body beneath them for more than a second.

Nick hated it.

_Take it, take it  
>Baby, baby,<br>Take it, take it  
>Love me, love me<em>

_Come here rude boy  
>Boy, can you get it up?<br>Come here rude boy  
>Boy, is you big enough?<br>Take it, take it  
>Baby, baby<br>Take it, take it  
>Love me, love me<em>

_Come here rude boy  
>Boy, can you get it up?<br>Come here rude boy  
>Boy, is you big enough?<br>Take it, take it  
>Baby, baby<br>Take it, take it  
>Love me, love me<em>

As Syxe's eyes scanned the room, Nick ducked his head to avoid being spotted. He wasn't sure he wanted him to know he'd just seen that performance. As soon as he deemed it safe he looked back up, watching the rest of the show. He almost wished he hadn't as Syxe got close enough to the edge of the stage for someone to grab at his leg. The blonde leaned down and tilted the man's head up with long fingers under his chin. He sang directly to him briefly, smirking at the more than enthusiastic response he got. Nick forced himself not to move. It had nothing to do with him.

_Love me, love me  
>Love me, love me<em>

_Take it, take it  
>Baby, baby,<br>Take it, take it  
>Love me, love me<em>

_Love me, love me  
>Love me, love me<em>

_Take it, take it  
>Baby, baby,<br>Take it, take it  
>Love me, love me<em>

When the song finally ended, there was scattered applause but the majority of noise came from men calling out prices – how much they'd pay for even fifteen minutes of Syxe's time. After deliberating carefully with a cheeky smile, Syxe accepted the offer of the man he'd just been singing to and attempted to gracefully step down from the stage. The next few minutes were anything but graceful, and it took all of Nick's willpower not to intervene. The man grabbed the blonde by the arm when it seemed he was too slow in getting down, and Jeff (he couldn't think of him as anything else at that moment) stumbled upon hitting the ground, unbalanced. Just as he regained his footing, the man quickly hooked a finger under the choker around his neck, scratching him in the process. Even from across the crowded room, Nick could see it had drawn blood. Jeff gasped as he was dragged off 'backstage' to the rooms Nick knew well. The brunette tightened his grip on his glass, the only thing he could do, before throwing back his drink, slamming the glass down and heading straight for the door. If he stayed, he'd hurt someone – he was sure of it.

As he left, he caught sight of Trent and Cameron trying to sneak back into the main area unnoticed. It probably didn't look good that the owner of Body Shots was running off to hook up with one of the club's patrons, albeit it's most loyal one. Just as the fact Trent was still trying to do up his belt didn't look particularly good, or that Cameron had a self-satisfied smirk on his face as he wiped at his mouth.

The cold air hit Nick as he walked outside and he stopped for a moment, shivering. He was still angry, but that anger was slowly dissipating as a realisation came to him. He finally understood why he cared so much about Jeff. Why he wanted to help him. Why he'd let him stay, why he hadn't wanted him to leave, why he'd gone to see him tonight and why he was so pissed at Sebastian and that idiotic man for daring to touch him. It didn't make any sense, and it scared the absolute crap out of him, but he understood _why_.

He was in love with Jeff.

* * *

><p>"Are you okay?"<p>

Jeff sighed. It was the same question Sebastian had been asking since he'd come down and become lucid again. Really, he should be asking Sebastian because there was no way in hell that _he_was okay, but for some reason he couldn't quite make himself ask. He didn't want to know the consequences of his actions. He'd said horrible things and if he were honest, he didn't want to know how Sebastian had coped. He clearly hadn't done it very well.

"I'm fi – what the hell do you think you're doing?"

He hadn't let Sebastian get back to working yet – he wanted to be sure his friend was okay first – but now he was getting to his feet and grabbing his clothes. The brunette looked at him curiously. "I'm okay, Jeff. I can work."

"I don't think so," the blonde replied, pushing him back down onto the bed "You're still weak."

Sebastian fought back a little, trying to push him away. "I'm strong enough to handle a couple of guys tonight. I'll be fine."

Jeff raised an eyebrow. "And if you run into trouble? I can't let you go out when you can barely even fight me off."

The brunette glared but stopped trying to get up, huffing in annoyance. "Fine. Just be back… soon, okay?"

Jeff smiled. "I will. Don't go anywhere."

Sebastian pouted but nodded, slumping back on the bed and watching his friend head for the door. Jeff closed it quietly behind him and left the building, stopping when he hit the street. Saturday. Normally he wouldn't have thought twice about the day, but he knew what was going on tonight. He knew where the bar was. He could get there, stay for a little while and still have time to earn enough money so as not to raise Sebastian's suspicions. He wasn't sure why he was even thinking about going to the bar – he'd probably be seen and then he'd have to explain himself, which would be difficult considering _he_ didn't know why he wanted to go. But somehow he found himself walking in the direction of the bar rather than his usual street corner. He didn't let himself stop to think – he didn't want to know what his thoughts might be. The idea of that scared him enough as it was.

He reached the bar soon enough and stopped outside. He could hear the sounds of people inside, laughing and enjoying themselves, and a voice singing – it wasn't Nick. But Nick would be in there. He would be in there, preparing to sing in that beautiful, deep voice that exuded passion and…

_What the hell am I thinking? _Jeff shook his head. He wouldn't be welcome in there anyway. Not as who he was now. But the thought of seeing Nick again, hearing him sing, was practically overwhelming and before he knew it he was stepping up to the door and pushing it open, carefully looking around.

The place was fairly full, meaning he was less likely to be spotted by Nick, but more likely to be seen by others and possibly kicked out. He kept to the walls and shadows as best he could, hiding behind others and staying near the door in case he needed to make a quick exit. He could see the singers on the other side of the room, familiar faces he remembered meeting as almost an equal. He caught sight of someone new there, although not unfamiliar. He'd seen him a number of times at the club though he'd never fucked him. He'd always been more interested in Trent than any of the dancers, and Jeff wouldn't have been surprised if this was the guy Trent had been making out with when he'd needed a place to stay. He'd always known his friend to go for guys like him; tall, blonde, muscled. And he was pretty sure he'd been at Body Shots last night, slipping off with Trent. _You lucky bastard, Trent,_ Jeff sighed in his head. _Nothing's complicated for you._

Blaine, if he remembered correctly, was just moving away from the front spot to let Nick take over. _Perfect timing_, Jeff thought as the brunette slid onto the stool and positioned his guitar in his lap. Taking the microphone in one hand for a moment, he said in a strange tone, "I hope you'll all enjoy and love this song as much as I do. It's a pretty special one." And before Jeff could begin to interpret the meaning behind that tone, Nick settled down and began to play. None of the others joined in, and so it was just Nick and his guitar – and his amazing voice.

_White lips, pale face  
>Breathing in snowflakes<br>Burnt lungs, sour taste  
>Light's gone, day's end<br>Struggling to pay rent  
>Long nights, strange men<em>

Jeff knew this song. He'd listened to it himself a number of times, loving the singer's soft voice and the meaning behind the words and the steady, lulling beat – but it was nothing compared to Nick. Lower, deeper and rougher than the last time the blonde had heard him, the passion was still there but it seemed so much stronger this time; if that were even possible.

_And they say she's in the class A team  
>Stuck in her daydream<br>Been this way since eighteen  
>But lately her face seems<br>Slowly sinking, wasting  
>Crumbling like pastries<br>And they scream  
>The worst things in life come free to us<em>

'_Cause we're just under the upper hand  
>And go mad for a couple grams<br>And she don't want to go outside tonight  
>And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland<br>Or sells love to another man  
>It's too cold outside for angels to fly<br>Angels to fly_

He wondered exactly what Nick thought of him. Did he pity him? Think he was pathetic and weak? A whore with nothing to his name except bedroom eyes and talented hands?

Did he care about him?

It was easy for that thought to come to him, but harder to believe. Even after all Nick had done for him, Jeff couldn't bring himself to believe that he cared about him. No one did. That was the way the world – and his life – worked. He wasn't someone who was supposed to be cared about. He wasn't even worth that. But there was something in the brunette's eyes now, as he sang, that made Jeff dare to think there might be a part of Nick that cared for him.

But he couldn't quite believe that yet.

_Ripped gloves, raincoat  
>Tried to swim, stay afloat<br>Dry house, wet clothes  
>Loose change, bank notes<br>Weary-eyed, dry throat  
>Call girl, no phone<em>

_And they say she's in the class A team  
>Stuck in her daydream<br>Been this way since eighteen  
>But lately her face seems<br>Slowly sinking, wasting  
>Crumbling like pastries<br>And they scream  
>The worst things in life come free to us<em>

'_Cause we're just under the upper hand  
>And go mad for a couple grams<br>But she don't want to go outside tonight  
>And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland<br>Or sells love to another man  
>It's too cold outside for angels to fly<em>

_An angel will die  
>Covered in white<br>Closed eye  
>And hoping for a better life<br>This time, we'll fade out tonight  
>Straight down the line<em>

Nick looked around the room and Jeff had to duck behind someone to avoid being seen. But when he was brave enough to look back, he saw the brunette with his head down, eyes closed and singing for all his worth. It was beautiful. He was beautiful. A beautiful, impossible person. Someone who couldn't exist, because it wasn't possible that someone could have wanted to help him, wanted him to be safe. But Nick had.

_And they say she's in the class A team  
>Stuck in her daydream<br>Been this way since eighteen  
>But lately her face seems<br>Slowly sinking, wasting  
>Crumbling like pastries<br>And they scream  
>The worst things in life come free to us<em>

_And we're all under the upper hand  
>And go mad for a couple grams<br>And we don't want to go outside tonight  
>And in a pipe we fly to the Motherland<br>Or sell love to another man  
>It's too cold outside for angels to fly<br>Angels to fly  
>Fly, fly<br>For angels to fly  
>To fly, to fly<br>Or angels to die_

As Nick finished and everyone applauded, Jeff couldn't help but smile. He was so shy with the attention he was receiving for his talent, smiling at the floor and glancing up only a few times as he stood up and let someone else take the seat to sing. Did he not know how good he was? He had to realise that he was essentially _amazing_. But with the way he slipped to the back to avoid notice, hardly looking up, Jeff wasn't so sure that he knew.

He was distracted by someone walking up beside him and placing a strong hand on his shoulder. He looked up to see a well-built man standing over him.

"You need to leave," the man said quietly "This is a respectable establishment, not some whorehouse."

Reality was a bitch, and she hit hard. It took Jeff a moment to understand what had been said and as soon as he did, his face began to heat up and he moved for the door quickly. There was no way he was going to make a scene. The man followed him, clearly a bar employee, and stood in the doorway after Jeff left to make sure he didn't return. The blonde only looked back once as he almost ran off down the street, tears pricking at his eyes.

A week ago he'd been sat at that bar without a single problem. Because he was with Nick, and even though he'd dressed like he was homeless because he had nothing else, no one had tried to kick him out because he was there with a good group of guys. With Nick. For a moment, he'd been just as decent as the rest of them; he'd been a human being who required respect. Now he'd been rudely awakened to the fact that he was _not_ decent, he was _not_ someone to be respected and he was _not_ a human being. He was a whore. He was a body for rent that didn't deserve to be around those guys. Especially not Nick.

Except Nick had tried to help him regardless of the fact he was worth nothing. Nick was so _good_ and sometimes Jeff couldn't believe it. People like Nick didn't exist; they were a fantasy thought up in the minds of desperate people. No one _cared_.

He didn't realise he was back in the red light district of town until the sound of a horn made him stop in his tracks. He turned to see a car pulling up on the side of the road just behind him, two people discernible through the window in the darkness. He forced himself to walk towards the car and leaned over the open passenger side window. The seat was occupied by a man in his mid-twenties, the driver perhaps a little older, but they both had a strong, dark air around them. Normally Jeff would have backed off – he didn't like the idea of two guys and they both kind of scared him – but at that moment he couldn't bring himself to care. Just like everyone else.

"Hundred ten an hour, boys," he sighed.

The driver nodded with a smile he really didn't like. "Get in."

He did as he was told, sliding into the backseat and leaning his head back, eyes closed. It was scary how easy it was not to care. It was obvious why people did it all the time – it was just so simple to let go of everything and not bother. He felt the car start to move again, and it was only a minute or two before it stopped again. Jeff opened his eyes and looked out of the window to see a familiar by-the-hour motel. As the driver sorted out the room, the younger man grabbed Jeff tightly by the arm and dragged him out of the car.

_Why does everyone have to pull me around?_ He thought vaguely to himself, reaching up with his free hand to rub at the scabbed-over scratch on his throat. _I'm perfectly capable of moving on my own._

He was pulled into the dirty motel room as the driver – a muscular man with cropped dark hair and small eyes – reappeared with that smile Jeff was certain he didn't like the look of. The locking of the door, which had never been unusual, scared him. And when the man curled his fingers around the blonde's throat and pulled him away from his friend to throw him bodily against the wall, Jeff knew this was one of the most awful ideas he'd ever had.

But he just couldn't make himself care. After all, he was just a whore. A disgusting, gay little whore who _deserved_ it.

* * *

><p>God, he'd couldn't remember the last time he'd been so sore just because of a job. It took all of his effort to simply get down the street without imprinting his face into the pavement. Jeff knew there'd be bruises by tomorrow and he probably wouldn't even be able to walk – everything <em>hurt<em>. They hadn't beaten him – or even hit him at all – but being thrown against walls, roughly handled and almost suffocated when someone forgot he was being held face-down on the bed and actually needed to _breathe_ was still more than enough to make sure he didn't get out of bed in the morning. His nerves were still on edge from nearly blacking out due to the lack of air, and his legs and ass were ridiculously sore. By the time he reached the apartment building he felt like keeling over, and it took twice as long to get to his room as it normally did. When he finally stumbled through the door, it was to see Sebastian slipping off his tall red boots.

Jeff stared for a moment. "I told you not to go out."

The brunette glanced at him briefly but as soon as he saw his friend's state he rushed over to help him into the room. He sat the blonde down on his bed before dropping down onto his. "What happened to you?"

"It doesn't matter. Why did you go out? You're not…"

"Jeff, I already told you! I'm fine!" Sebastian interrupted him, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his thighs.

"I was perfectly okay tonight. I wasn't about to stay at home when I could just as easily be out making money."

"I've been paying most of the rent for years, Sebastian, you know I'm capable of keeping a roof over our heads," Jeff said coldly. Guilt rushed up on him as the brunette's face fell and he knew it had been a low blow. It wasn't Sebastian's fault that he needed coke. He was addicted and there was nothing either of them could do about it.

"I'm sorry," he sighed "That was uncalled for. But you said you'd stay here. I… I trusted you. I only went out because I knew you'd be okay here. I don't like worrying about you, Seb. It scares me."

Sebastian stared down at the floor, and in his eyes was a look Jeff knew well. Far too well, and he _hated_it. Because that look meant Sebastian felt guilty, and if he felt guilty then there was pretty much only one thing it could be.

"Seb. What have you done?" he asked, already knowing and dreading the answer._ It's the coke, it always is. _

At first the other didn't reply. But finally he lifted his head and gestured to his arms. Jeff followed his gaze and for the first time, noticed the faint track marks in the crease of his elbow. Horror overcame him as he realised this was so much worse than a little too much coke.

"What…"

"It was stupid," Sebastian coughed, rubbing at his face "I'm sorry, it was stupid and I didn't… I shouldn't have, but I did…"

"Is that what was wrong with you? Were you fucking speedballing?" Jeff was more than pissed. He was furious. He knew Sebastian wouldn't have stopped taking coke and to add heroin… "God, you could have killed yourself! You almost did!"

"I'm sorry!" Sebastian shouted, still upset "I know it was stupid, but I didn't think anyone would care, and everything hurt too much and I just wanted it all to stop!"

The blonde stared. There had been a number of times he'd been afraid of Sebastian hurting himself on purpose, or killing himself, but to his knowledge he'd never actually tried. Now everything changed, and he knew that this was all his fault.

"S-Seb… I'm sorry… I… you know I care, right? Even if I disappear or do stupid stuff and say horrible things, I-I still care…"

The brunette nodded, and Jeff was both amazed and concerned at the fact he wasn't even crying. "I know. B-But now I have to pay the other half to Jamie, and I don't… I don't have it. I-I-I…"

He trailed off and Jeff switched beds, sitting beside his friend and letting him lean on him. The brunette coughed a few times, desperately rubbing at his eyes to avoid tears, and Jeff just patted his back comfortingly, all the while thinking about how_ fucked_ they were. Jamie was one of the biggest and most important dealers in town, who had most of the others working for him, and he didn't take late payments well. The last time Sebastian hadn't been able to pay…

Jeff had swallowed more than his non-existent pride to keep the both of them from broken limbs and missing teeth.

"I-I'm sc…" Sebastian couldn't get the words out. He was shaking under Jeff's hands and it just drove home how royally screwed they were. They both knew that if Jeff couldn't convince Jamie and his guys otherwise, they might just end up bleeding out in a dumpster or lying in a ditch on the side of the road out of town.

The blonde sighed. "I know, Seb. So am I."

* * *

><p><strong>So finally Nick's figured it out :) I have the feeling you guys aren't going to like the next few chapters though... <strong>

**Please review!**


	13. In Too Deep

**Hey everyone! I'm back with another update - yes, the one I said you wouldn't like. And you won't. Just don't be too mad? There's l****ots of angst to come, with maybe a little bit of fluff and happiness to keep you happy :) **

**Also guys, I'm doing NaNoWriMo this year and I really want to get those 50,000 words down. I've tried before and failed a few times, so I want to actually finish it this time. So this is a warning that you might not see much from me until the end of November. However, once I've hit a decent word count and I can spare a few minutes, I'll finish the next chapter of Worlds Apart - it's almost done. But other than that, I'll be working on my NaNo story. **

**I hope you enjoy the chapter... as much as you can ;P**

* * *

><p><em>I'm in love with Jeff.<em>

The statement had taken up residence in his brain last night and decided not to leave. Quite unlike the subject of the statement, who Nick really wished _hadn't_ left. But then again, coming to this realisation would have been far more confusing if Jeff was still crashing with him. He would have had to face him every day and wonder if he was supposed to tell him or not.

Not that he wasn't still wondering about that anyway.

The rational part of Nick's brain told him there was no way he could tell Jeff. There was only one possible resolution to that scenario and that was Jeff running. Plus, it wasn't as if anything would ever come of it anyway. So there was no need to tell him.

But the emotional side of him wanted nothing more than to find Jeff, bring him home and tell him everything. Protect him from all the bad things that had happened to him. Keep him safe. Make sure he never had do anything like whoring himself out again and let him know someone cared.

_I am such a hopeless romantic_, Nick thought with a sigh, staring out of his kitchen window. _What the hell am I supposed to do?_

An idea came to him and for a moment, it didn't sound like a bad one. It was in this moment that Nick moved to the phone and dialled a number, only realising how _bad_an idea this was when the person on the other end picked up.

"_Yeah?_"

"Uh, hi Kurt." Nick stumbled over his words, not sure what to do now. Tell him? Hang up awkwardly? Make up some random excuse as to why he'd called him?

"_Nick? You okay?_"

"Yeah. Um, I just… I wanted to ask you something." _Go on then, embarrass yourself_.

"_Sure. What's up?_"

Nick swallowed. "Well, I… I kind of… I think I'm in love."  
><em><br>Way to go, idiot. Couldn't have been a bit more subtle, could you? _There was a short silence on the other end of the line and Nick was starting to think Kurt had dropped the phone or something when his friend suddenly spoke.

"_Who's the lucky guy?_" Nick couldn't deny the smile that tinted Kurt's tone. He smiled briefly himself before he remembered who he was talking about.

"Uh-"

"_Oh my God, it's that friend of yours. The one who was staying at your place, who you brought to the gig. It's him, isn't it!?_"

There was no point denying it. "Yeah."

Kurt squealed and Nick had to pull the phone away from his ear to avoid having his hearing seriously damaged. When he brought it back, Kurt was rambling.

"_I totally picked it. I told Blaine and he didn't believe me, but I knew! Is he _really _an old friend?_"

"Yes, just… not so old."

"_He's cute, you know. Well, of course you know. You're in love with him. Wait a minute, you said you wanted to ask something. Oh God, is it bad? Have you told him? Did he freak? What happened!?_"

Nick laughed. "Calm down. I haven't told him. That's kind of what I wanted to ask you about."

"_Okay_," Kurt sighed with relief "_Ask away._"

"I… I don't know if I _should _tell him."

"_Why on earth would you think telling the love of your life that you've fallen head over heels for them is bad?_"

"I never said I was head over heels. Anyway…" Nick bit his lip "I think… I don't think he'd take it well. I think he'd run."

"_Oh._" Kurt was uncharacteristically quiet for a minute. "_So it's either tell him and not have him, or don't tell him and suffer through knowing how much you love him while watching him be completely oblivious?_"

"See, this is why I asked you," Nick sighed "You know exactly what I'm talking about."

"_Nick, Blaine is possibly the stupidest person on the planet when it comes to signals from other people. Don't tell him I said that. Anyway, I do know exactly what you mean. And it's hard. But are you sure he'll run away if you tell him?_"

"Pretty sure."

"_Because you don't think he feels the same way?_"

"I honestly don't know how he feels. I don't want to mess up the friendship we have by telling him how I feel, but I'm not sure I can keep it to myself."

"_Preaching to the choir, Nick. Look, give it a little time. Flirt a little. See what happens. If he looks at you like you're crazy, you know you've got a lost cause and it's going to hurt like a bitch. Trust me. Let's just hope he flirts back, okay?_"

"Thanks, Kurt," Nick smiled "I knew there was a reason I called you."

"_You'd better call me the second something happens, alright? I want to be the first to know_."

"You always are."

After a quick good bye, Nick hung up the phone and wandered back to the kitchen window again, leaning against the sink and staring out into the distance. It sounded like a good idea. At least, it would be if Jeff wasn't a prostitute. Flirting with him was flirting with danger. The danger of misunderstanding.

He sighed. _I hope I figure this out soon. I only realised I'm in love last night and already I'm a wreck._

* * *

><p>Jamie's hideout was an unowned (as far as anyone knew) warehouse in the dead and dying section of the industrial part of town. A lot of places were in disrepair, abandoned, unwanted. Jamie's was right in the middle of it, and as Jeff and Sebastian made their way down the dirty streets the former wondered if this was a good idea.<p>

_Of course it's not_, he thought. _We'll be lucky if we don't end up dead._

Beside him, Sebastian was still shaking. It had decreased to shivering during the night, but it hadn't stopped since he'd spilled about the drugs. Now that they were getting closer to what seemed like an inevitable and painful doom, he was like a leaf in a tornado. Jeff wrapped an arm around his shoulder as the entrance to Jamie's warehouse came into view. A lone man was casually relaxing in front of it, smoking a cigarette. To any random observer, he was nothing sinister. But Jeff knew the guy. Shaw was a sick son of a bitch, Jamie's right hand man and the one who did most of the dirty work. He was tall, well-built, with tattoos running up and down both arms, and he had a penchant for knives. He smirked as he saw Jeff and Sebastian approaching, getting up and opening the door for them with a mocking bow.

"Boys," he said, blowing the smoke from his last drag of the cigarette into their faces as they passed. Jeff pushed Sebastian inside, keeping his eyes averted from Shaw as much as possible. If they were going to die, Shaw would probably be the one to do the job and the less he pissed him off, the better.

The door was slammed shut behind him and Jeff was left to half-carry the man who was still trying to cope with the aftereffects of his crazy high. The trembling wasn't just from that though, Jeff knew. Sebastian was terrified – and so was he.

Ahead of them in the dark corridor, another of Jamie's thugs gestured for them to hurry up. As they got closer Jeff recognised him as Randal and for a second, felt like throwing up. The man, thin and wiry, smirked and rested a gentle, guiding hand on Jeff's back that was anything but helpful. The blonde tensed, clenching his jaw and doing his best to ignore the feeling of Randal's hand lightly drifting lower down his back. He jumped in surprise as the man slapped his ass and laughed.

"Maybe Jamie'll let me keep ya for a bit, before Shaw sticks ya," he grinned.

"In your dreams, Randal," Jeff managed, choked by anger and fear. Randal raised an eyebrow. "Oh, ya boy there got 'is payment? I find that 'ard ta believe. He looks about ready ta piss 'imself."

Jeff didn't get the chance to reply – though he wasn't sure he had any sort of comeback or the ability to say it at the moment – as Randal had led them to Jamie's 'inner sanctum', as the man himself liked to call it. The room was large, the roof high – the warehouse had been used to store a number of things, but now all that was gone; the goods, the shelving, the machinery used to move it. It was just a big empty space, where voices echoed and there was nowhere to hide.

"Ah, my favourite boys," a familiar voice said and Jeff fixed his gaze on the man halfway across the room. He was fairly average in Jeff's mind, with dark hair and eyes, a square jaw and perfect teeth. He'd been in discussion with another man, a stranger, and quickly sent him away once he noticed who had just entered the room. He walked towards them, raising an eyebrow at Sebastian's state.

"What have we here?" he asked, lifting Sebastian's head by his chin and seemingly inspecting him. "You look a little worse for wear, Tris."

Jeff had gotten used to the strange nickname Jamie had for Sebastian; his friend had always refused to explain it. The brunette currently hanging onto his shoulder attempted to straighten up and face Jamie properly, but had to cling onto Jeff in order to remain stable. Jamie smiled. "I can only assume you're here to bring me the money you owe me. You know Tris, I'm really too nice to you. I don't give credit to just anyone."

"Here," Sebastian said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out the cash stashed there. Jeff did the same – they'd split it in case something had happened on the way to Jamie's.

The man took the money and flicked through it, counting silently. When he finished he stared at Sebastian incredulously. "You do realize how much you owe me, don't you?"

"It's all we have," Jeff answered for his friend "And you'll get the rest as soon as we have it."

Jamie stepped a little closer. "I don't think you understand. This isn't even a _quarter _of what he owes me. Now, you might have been able to tide me over with half, but this… honestly, I'm offended."

"This is everything we've got," Sebastian said. Jamie snapped out a hand, grabbing the man around the throat and dragging him away from Jeff. The blonde tried to intervene but was held back by strong arms, the smell of body odour and alcohol making him feel sick as Randal pulled him flush against his body. Sebastian stood on his own, but his legs were clearly shaking as Jamie held him by neck and shouted, "I don't care! I want my money, Tris, and I want it now!"

Jeff struggled in Randal's grip. "Wait! Please! Can't we just sort this out? We can figure something out!"

Jamie glared at him. "What, you want to whore your way out of this one, like last time?"

"Aww, boss," Randal grinned, dragging one hand down to his captive's crotch "Let 'im. That can make it up ta half, eh?"

"You know what, Randal? Do whatever you like. I don't care. Just make sure I get him back when you're done."

"Please," Sebastian fought against Jamie's grip "This has nothing to do with him, let him go. I'm the one who owes you money, I'm the one you want to punish."

"I've done a lot for you, you know that?" Jamie snarled "I've protected your ass for years, given you what you needed when you couldn't afford it, let you off too many times. I think _you_ owe _me_, Tris. If your friend is willing to use his body as payment for your drugs, then his body can take the punishment too."

Jamie nodded in Randal's direction, and Jeff struggled harder as the man tried to pull him away. He locked eyes with Sebastian, and saw the absolute fear and the crippling guilt that he knew would be there. But there was nothing either of them could do. Jamie's fingers tightened slowly around Sebastian's neck and he coughed and choked as Randal hauled Jeff back across the room. The blonde fought and kicked out and did everything he could to escape his hold but when they reached an insignificant-looking door and Randal pushed it open, Jeff stopped. He relaxed, though his whole body was still tense. He stopped fighting. There was no point.

He was dead.

* * *

><p>It was two on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, Nick had absolutely nothing to be doing – no homework, nothing for his photography class, work hadn't called him in.<p>

And he was spending it curled up on the couch reading.

Although, _trying_ to read might have been a more apt description. Nick was doing his best to get through the chapter he'd been on for the last hour, but every time he managed to concentrate he only read a few words, maybe a sentence, before he was distracted again. He couldn't help it. Jeff was the only thing on his mind.

_I don't know how Kurt managed it_. Nick rolled his eyes as he gave up the book and set it down on the floor next to him, pulling his knees up to his chest and hugging them. _He was in love with Blaine for months and didn't tell him. I've only just realised and I don't know how to deal with it. _

He was half-glad when his phone rang, vibrating in his pocket. It gave him something to do, but it meant having to have some sort of normal conversation with someone without inadvertently telling them he was in love with a hooker, as he just _knew_ he was liable to do. Sighing, he slipped it out of his pocket and checked the ID.

He'd put Jeff into his contacts when he'd called him while high and the number had been sat on his phone. He figured it couldn't hurt. And now, seeing Jeff's name on the screen made him smile. Without even thinking of the possible reasons Jeff would want or need to call him, he picked up the call.

"Hey Jeff, what's up?"

He didn't get a reply for a long while and Nick frowned. "Jeff? You there?" Still nothing. Nothing but fast, shallow breathing and small whimpers of pain. "_T-Trent? Please, y-you have t …to help."  
><em>  
>Nick's eyes widened at the sound of Jeff's voice. It was so… small. Small and terrified and hurt. He barely even registered that Jeff thought he was Trent. Jeff was <em>hurt<em>. He sat up straight, almost falling off the couch in the process. "Jeff? Where are you? Are you okay?"

"_H-He's gonna die…_" On the other end of the line, Jeff started crying, struggling to breathe as he desperately called for help. "_Please… I-I can't…_"

"Where are you?" Nick got to his feet, searching for his keys. It took him a minute to find them and when he finally snatched them up from the kitchen table he was panicking. "Jeff! Where are you!?"

He didn't get another answer, only the sound of sobbing and cries of pain. By the time Nick was starting the engine of his car, Jeff finally spoke again.

"_It hurts…_"

"I'm coming to get you, Jeff, just hold on, okay?" Nick said, putting the call on speaker and leaving his phone on the passenger seat as he tore out of his driveway and headed towards the only person he knew who could help.

* * *

><p>Trent yawned, stretching out a little with a contented smile. Sunday was a wonderful day. Sunday was the day he got to relax after a hectic party weekend. Sunday was the day he got to have Cameron all to himself until he had to open the club in the evening.<p>

Except this Sunday. Trent's smile faded a little as he remembered that Cameron hadn't been able to stay the whole day. He'd been called into work just over an hour ago and had to run. He'd promised to make it up to him, but it just wasn't the same. The bed felt empty.

Someone hammering on the door hard enough to shake the walls woke him up a lot faster than he'd intended. Heart beating a million miles an hour from shock, he got up from the bed and, taking only long enough to pull on some pants, stormed to the window and threw it open.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he shouted, glaring down at the person currently trying to knock his door down. He frowned when he saw who it was. He was sure he knew him, but couldn't remember from where…

The man looked up and called, "Trent?"

"What do you want?"

"I need your help! It's about Jeff!"

As soon as Jeff's name was mentioned, Trent swore. This couldn't be good. He shut the window and grabbed a shirt, pulling it on as he headed downstairs to open the door. When he finally found himself face to face with the stranger, he remembered where he'd seen him.

"You're Cameron's friend."

The guy nodded. "Yeah. Nick. Look, Jeff called me, thinking it was you. He needs help and I don't know where he is."

Trent blinked as a phone was shoved into his hand. He stared at the guy – Nick – in confusion. He was still tired; he wasn't functioning properly. But he could see the desperation in the brunette's eyes, the fear and helplessness. So he put the phone to his ear and spoke, "Jeff?"

"_Trent…_" Jeff's voice was weak, and he snapped to attention as he heard the pain colouring his tone. "Jeff? What happened?"

"_You have… have to hurry…_" He was growing fainter "_He's gonna die…_"

"You have to tell me where you are, or I can't help," Trent shoved past Nick, locking the door behind him before almost running down the alley way to the street, where his car was parked. Normally he wouldn't dream of leaving his car out on the street in this neighbourhood. But there was one rule around this place - no one boosted Trent Nixon's Camaro. The last time someone had tried, there'd been blood.

He heard Nick following close behind him, but focused on Jeff's fading voice.

"_W-Went to talk to… Jamie…_"

"What in the hell made you think that was a good idea?"

"_Seb… owed…_"

"Don't worry about it, Jeff. I'm coming to get you, okay? Just hold tight. And don't pass out on me, okay? You listening?" Trent rambled, calling over his shoulder for Nick to follow him in his own car if he wanted – he was going to get Jeff and, by the sound of it, Sebastian too.

There was no answer.

* * *

><p>Nick had no idea where Trent was taking him. He just followed the car ahead of him through the quiet red light district and into the industrial section of town, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel as his heart thudded painfully against his ribs. Trent still had his phone, and he could only hope Jeff was still on the other end. He could only hope he was still alive.<p>

Suddenly the car in front swerved to the side and Nick did the same, shutting off the engine and jumping out at the same time Trent did. The man gave him back his phone and said, "Look around. Back alleys, dumpsters. They're around here somewhere." He sounded distracted, and Nick couldn't blame him. He only listened to half of what he said before dashing off to check streets and shadowy alleys.

Time seemed to drag on as Nick searched, fear and adrenaline the only things keeping him going. Every time he didn't find anything scared him, and pushed him to keep going. He'd saved Jeff's life twice before – it wasn't going to be third time unlucky. He had to find him. He'd only just realised his feelings for him. This wasn't fair. He had to…

Poking his head around a corner into a dark side street, he almost collapsed. A little way down, lying on the ground, was a very still figure. He couldn't see the person's face as they were face-down amongst the rubbish of an overflowing dumpster, but he knew he'd recognise that blonde hair, the cut-off jeans and the wifebeater anywhere. He shouted for Trent as he ran towards Jeff, dropping to his knees beside him and rolling him onto his back.

He couldn't help gasping at the sight of Jeff's face. Both eyes were bruised, his lip split and blood smudged across his cheek and chin. Looking him up and down for a quick assessment, Nick felt sick. He was black and blue all over, the bruises darker around his wrists and there were some on his upper arms that had the distinct shape of handprints. Nick didn't even want to think about what he'd look like under his dirty, bloodied clothes.

He pulled Jeff closer to him, head to his chest, and shouted for Trent again. No more than two seconds later the man skidded around the corner and stopped dead, staring. Nick barely noticed – he was too focused on making sure the blonde in his arms was alive. He pressed two fingers to his neck, willing there to be a pulse. Anything. He wasn't entirely sure Jeff was even breathing, and if he couldn't find a pulse…

He almost laughed with relief when he felt the faintest throb of a heartbeat under his fingers. It was erratic and hardly noticeable, but it was _there_.

"Where's Sebastian?"

Nick jumped and looked up to see Trent standing beside him, worry in his eyes. His heart fell. He'd forgotten Sebastian was supposed to be here too. He opened his mouth to speak – to say what, he wasn't sure – but Trent was gone, scouring through the dumpster just behind them and throwing bits of trash out of his way.

"Oh shit. I need your help."

Nick didn't hesitate this time. He carefully laid Jeff down on the pavement and got to his feet, stumbling over to the dumpster. He barely got himself stabilised before he was bracing himself on his knees, hurling up his lunch onto the pavement.

Sebastian hadn't been beaten. Not like Jeff. One eye was blackened with bruising, his forearms decorated with fading red finger marks. But it was the savage gash across the man's stomach that made Nick throw up, the smell of the blood mixed with the strong odour of rubbish and filth, the sight of so much blood splashed over his skin where it shouldn't have been.

"Help me get him out," Trent ordered and Nick nodded weakly. He slipped his hands under the slight brunette's arms as Trent grabbed his legs and carefully, they hauled him out onto the concrete. He was so pale, Nick wasn't sure he was even alive. He kneeled beside him and checked for a pulse, hands shaking. Before he could be sure, he was surprised by a low groan and he jerked his head up instantly. Jeff was waking up, slowly, trying to move but pain making it almost impossible.

"S-Seb…?" he mumbled, lifting his head slightly. Nick jumped again – he was so far out on the edge he wasn't sure he wouldn't fall off soon – as Trent dropped down beside him and did what he'd been trying to do. After a moment, the man nodded. "He's alive."

Jeff only just seemed to notice Nick's presence and frowned at him in confusion. "Wh-at…"

"Shh, it's okay," Nick reassured him, scrambling to his side "You're gonna be fine."

"Nick."

He looked up, saw the covered panic in Trent's eyes. Sat up straighter. Listened closely.

"We have to get them to help. Now. An ambulance will take too long – we have to take them ourselves, but someone has to stay with Sebastian to keep pressure on the wound so he doesn't bleed out. We'll take your car – no one will dare touch mine if I leave it here – but I need your help to move him."

Nick nodded. "Right." He wasn't sure what he was running on anymore – his legs felt weak, his hands shaking, his stomach churning, but somehow he was still managing to keep going. He staggered over to Sebastian and held him under the arms again, Trent taking his legs. They managed to get him off the ground and as they made their way to where Nick had left his car, Jeff realised they were taking him away and panicked.

"Seb!"

"Jeff, relax, it's okay," Trent said quickly "We'll be right back. Just stay put, okay? We're getting you help."

The blonde calmed down at the sound of Trent's voice and dropped his head back down to the pavement, eyes closing. Nick wanted to check on him, but Trent kept him moving and he shook his head to get back in the game. Sebastian was more important right now, he was hurt worse than Jeff.

But he left his heart with Jeff as the rest of him carried Sebastian to his car.

When they finally got within sight of the cars, Trent swore. Nick had to turn his head to see what was going on. Two guys were trying to pry open the driver's side door, and one had just picked up a chunk of concrete. He drew his arm back, aiming for the window.

"Hey!" Trent shouted, surprising the guys. They turned, but didn't leave, instead smirking and going back to their task. Nick barely heard Trent mutter, "Watch Sebastian," before he was holding all of the man's weight, and Trent was walking purposefully towards the pair. He called out to them again and this time, when they looked at him, they seemed to pay attention. The one holding the concrete dropped it instantly and the other held up his hands, starting to ramble about not wanting any trouble.

All it took was Trent speaking once more, too quiet for Nick to hear, for the guys to start running. The brunette watched as Trent nodded to himself and turned to head back to him and Sebastian. His eyes widened as he caught sight of a small gun in the man's hand for a split second, before he shoved it down the back of his jeans.

He was in _way_ too deep. Beatings, stabbings, bodies in dumpsters, guns – he didn't want to be part of any of this.

"Come on." Trent snapped him out of his thoughts and quickly, they dragged the bleeding Sebastian to his car and laid him out on the backseat.

"I'll get it cleaned for you," Trent said, almost as an afterthought as they shut the door. "Give me the keys and go get Jeff. Hurry up – someone needs to keep pressure on that wound, I don't want him dying."

Nick did as he was told; tossing him the keys before sprinting back to where they'd left Jeff. The blonde hadn't moved at all, and only mumbled incoherently as Nick carefully slipped his arms under him and lifted him up, bridal style.

"How the hell do you get yourself into these sorts of things?" he muttered to himself as he headed back, though he wasn't sure who exactly he was directing it to.

He got back quickly and strapped a half-conscious Jeff into the passenger seat before climbing into the back with Sebastian. There was so much blood covering him, and Nick worked on autopilot as he manoeuvred his shirt over his head and balled it up to press on the deep gash. Trent was already in the driver's seat and the engine was running, so it took all of two seconds for him to have them racing down the street, twisting and turning to get them to the hospital as quickly as possible.

* * *

><p>In the ten minutes it took for Trent to come roaring up to the emergency entrance, Nick's t-shirt soaked up so much blood that it was practically dripping, and the brunette was panicking because with being thrown about every five seconds, he couldn't check Sebastian's pulse and he wasn't entirely sure he didn't have a dead guy in his backseat. Jeff was crying out in pain every time Trent took a corner too fast or had to slow down suddenly because some stupid idiot in front of him couldn't see that they were in a hurry. That it was life or death.<p>

The second the car screeched to a halt, Nick kicked the door open and crawled out. He heard Trent running towards the building, shouting for help. Now that he had the chance, he pressed two fingers against the lifeless Sebastian's throat and willed there to be a pulse. There had to be. He was distracted for a moment by Jeff starting to panic about being restricted by a seatbelt; so distracted that he almost missed it. But then he felt it again – a faint fluttering under his fingertips. By some miracle he was still alive.

Trent came running back with a couple of hospital staff – nurses, doctors; Nick didn't know nor care – and they set to work on Sebastian, leaving the brunette free to unbuckle Jeff and carefully lift him out of the seat, holding him the same way he had while trying to get him into the car in the first place. The blonde screwed his eyes up in pain, burying his head in Nick's chest and shaking.

"Shh," Nick tried to calm him down "You're okay now. Sebastian's going to be fine. It's okay."

He carried Jeff into the emergency room as Sebastian was rushed past him on a gurney, half a dozen people moving with him trying to stop the bleeding and keep him alive. Someone – a doctor? – came up to Nick and tried to talk him into letting go of Jeff so they could look after him. It was only when Trent firmly told him to put him down that he did so, torn as he watched them take the now-unconscious Jeff away.

"They're going to be okay, aren't they?"

"I hope so. I really hope so."

* * *

><p><strong>...<strong>

**Yeah. Told you.**

**Finally I got to do a little character building for Trent. He's pretty bad-ass :) I ship Cameron/Trent like nobody's business by the way, second only to CurlyGleek's version of Trent/Thad in her fic _When Red Met Black_ - I highly recommend that fic, and all of her work. She's awesome!**

**Oh, and if anyone was curious, Jon Hall is my Cameron. **

**See you all in December! Be amazing, people! I love you all :D**


	14. Love Me

**Hi everyone! It's good to be back :) I worked my ass off over November and managed to get those 50,000 words down! It took a fair amount of work, stress, sleepless nights and panic, but I made it. **

**Anyway, you don't want to hear about that. You want to know what's going to happen to the boys :) Well, I can tell you that Fluff has gone into hiding and Angst has decided to stick around for a little longer. Fluff will turn up again soon, I'm sure, but not yet. **

**I want to put a WARNING here. This chapter contains what I would consider a fairly graphic depiction of rape. It was pretty uncomfortable to write, which at least restores my faith in the fact that I am actually human and not completely evil. Please, don't read it if it's going to upset you. I don't know if this counts as 'smut' but it is somewhat more descriptive than I had intended. **

**With that out of the way, on with the chapter!**

* * *

><p><em>Randal pushed him through the door and shoved him forwards. Jeff saw a few nondescript pieces of furniture but the one he was forced towards was a ratty, dirty old sofa bed, already folded out and judging by the tossed and messy sheets, regularly slept in. He was thrown onto it face down and he started to detach himself from the situation, taking himself to that safe place in his mind where he could forget what was happening to him. He felt Randal force his arms behind his back and tie his wrists so tightly it hurt. Eyes closed, he waited for the man to hurry up and be over with it. But then he was flipped over onto his back, arms in an uncomfortable position, and Randal was close to his face, saying in a harsh voice, "Open yer eyes, bitch."<em>

* * *

><p>Nick didn't leave the hospital waiting room for the rest of that day, or the night. As midnight approached and still no news had come about either Jeff or Sebastian, Nick started to wonder what he was supposed to do tomorrow. He had classes, and his photography class as well. He had places to be and people who would wonder where he was if he didn't show. He glanced blankly at his phone for a moment, seeing four missed calls – three from Kurt and one from Blaine. The latter had left a message and Nick listened to it, only half awake and barely functioning.<p>

_Hey Nick. I don't know what's going on, you normally answer your phone and Kurt said you haven't picked up at all. I hope you're alright. Call me, okay? Or Kurt. _

Nick looked up at one of the few other people in the waiting room. Trent hadn't left either after giving the hospital staff all the information he could on his friends, and had ignored his phone that had rung a number of times over the afternoon. He was slouched in one of the chairs, arms folded as he stared at the floor. Nick couldn't help but remember that Trent had a gun just casually shoved down his jeans, and he wondered if he'd ever shot anyone.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a doctor walk past to the receptionist. He asked her something and when she nodded in response and pointed in the general direction of the waiting room his heart leapt. Maybe he had news? God, had someone died? The doctor, an older man in his early fifties or so, with thick but greying hair and a round face, certainly looked pretty grim as he walked back to the waiting room and stood in the doorway.

"Is the family of Jeff Sterling here at all?"  
><em><br>Sterling_, Nick mused absently to himself as he and Trent stood at the same time. _That's an interesting last name. _They made their way to the doctor and Trent was the first one to speak. "Is he okay?"

"You're family?" The doctor looked a little confused and suspicious as he eyed the two of them. Trent shook his head. "He doesn't have any. I'm a friend and his employer, and this is… a close friend of his." Trent glanced at Nick as he introduced him but the brunette said nothing but his name, waiting for the doctor to get on with it and tell them what was going on with Jeff.

"Well, if he doesn't have any family…" The man trailed off for a moment before sighing. "Jeff was very badly beaten. There were some cracked ribs, internal bleeding that we managed to stop. He's stabilised now and he's asleep, but due to the fact it's very clear he was forcibly restrained and the sheer ferocity of the attack, the police will have to be called in. Normally we'd wait for the patient to give his consent and find out if he wants to press any charges against whoever beat him, but in this case we have no choice. They'll be in soon to ask you two some questions."

"That's not why you're calling the police in," Trent said, his voice finally starting to shake a little "There's something else, isn't there. A beating wouldn't make you look so worried."

The doctor sighed. "It's not something I really want to discuss with people who aren't family. Are you sure he has none?"

"Yes," was Trent's simple answer.

"Well in that case…" The man fixed both of them with a careful look. "There's clear evidence of sexual assault. The police are going to want to talk to you both about it."

Nick felt like the bottom of his stomach had just dropped out. It was reminiscent of the last time he'd been at the hospital, when Jeff had overdosed and the nurse had told them it was likely he'd been raped. _God, what is _wrong_ with people? Why? What had Jeff ever done? _

Trent paled and said nothing. Nick managed to stutter out, "A-Are you… sure?"

The doctor nodded. "Fairly certain. We're going to wait until he wakes to get consent for a rape kit and then he can talk to the police. In the meantime, they're going to want to talk to you about what happened."

"What about Sebastian?" Trent asked hoarsely "The other guy we brought in. Is he okay?"

The man shook his head. "I'm afraid I don't know. But I'll find out and get you the information."

And with that, he left, shoes squeaking slightly on the polished floor. Trent sank into a chair and Nick did the same, although not across the room this time, but right next to Trent.

"This is so fucked up," Nick muttered to himself.

Trent said nothing.

* * *

><p>"<em>I said open yer eyes!"<em>

_The voice was bringing him out of his safe place and Jeff fought to remain there, but a backhanded slap across the face made him gasp, wrenching him from safety and his eyes flew open. He stared wide-eyed into the gleaming eyes of his attacker, watched him smirk in triumph. Almost gently he brushed Jeff's hair aside then bent his head and kissed his neck. Jeff turned his head away, fighting the urge to be sick. Randal's hands slid down his sides, fingers playing loosely with the button and zip of his jeans. He didn't stop kissing him, moving up his neck and across his jaw to his lips. Jeff refused to open his mouth to him, resisting as the man's hands began gripping his waist more tightly in annoyance. He hated kissing. He did it if someone wanted to, but he hated it. Unless it was Nick; he liked kissing Nick. But he quickly removed that thought entirely from his head. He wasn't going to taint that memory with what Randal was doing._

_One hand moved up and grabbed his chin, forcing his mouth open. As Randal kissed him he moaned into his mouth and Jeff choked, tugging on the ties around his wrists. It made his body move as he manoeuvred his hands beneath it and he didn't think of how Randal would take it – but as his hips shifted and met the other man's, Randal rocked his body down and moaned again. This time it was cut short by Jeff reacting and biting down hard on his bottom lip. Randal pulled away with a gasp of pain and glared down at the blonde. One hand curled around Jeff's neck and he coughed as the man lowered his head and muttered in his ear, "I was _goin' _ta be sweet with ya. But if ye gonna be a bitch, ye can take it like one."_

* * *

><p>"Can you describe your relationship with Mr Sterling?"<p>

Nick sighed, running a hand through his hair. "It's complicated."

The police officer, a decent-enough man in his late twenties with a barely contained mop of curly blonde hair that reminded Nick a little of Blaine, tried to be encouraging as he asked more questions. "You said you received a phone call from Mr Sterling. He told you he'd been attacked?"

Nick nodded. "Yeah. He was pretty messed up and thought I was Trent. So I went to Trent, thinking he might know where to find Jeff because he was so out of it he couldn't tell me."

"And he did know?"

"I guess so. I followed him to some dodgy part of town and that's where we found them."

"Mr Sterling and Mr Michaels?"

Nick nodded vaguely. "Yeah. Jeff was beaten up and Sebastian was in a dumpster. He was… he was stabbed. Trent and I got them to the car and drove them here."

The officer scribbled something down then looked back up to Nick with the smallest of smiles. "I think if you hadn't acted so fast they wouldn't have made it, from what I've been told. Can you tell me anything about the actual attack?"

Nick shook his head. "I wasn't there. I don't know."

The pair were silent for a moment – quiet enough to hear the conversation between Trent and the greasy-haired cop who was interviewing him.

"So you're his employer?" the man asked. Trent nodded, though he didn't look too happy at where this might lead. "Yes."

"What exactly do you do?"

Trent gritted his teeth. His distaste for the police was obvious – or maybe it was just this man in particular. "I run a club."

"What sort of club might that be?"

"I don't see how that has anything to do with what happened."

The officer shrugged. "Just trying to get all the facts. Would you please answer the question?"

Trent sighed. "I run a gay club, as if that's of any importance."

"And you employ Sterling at this gay club of yours." Nick couldn't see the man's face, but he heard the sneer in his tone and he didn't like it. "What does he do?"

"I really don't-"

"Just answer the question."

Seething, Trent hissed, "He's a dancer. Alright? Are you going to explain to me why this if of significance to what happened to Jeff? And Sebastian?"

"Yes, Sebastian Michaels." The cop glanced down at the notebook in his hand "He works for you too, doesn't he? Is he a dancer as well?"

"Yes."

"Is it true that both Sterling and Michaels are prostitutes?"

At this Trent snapped. He straightened in his seat, gaining a slight height advantage and glared down at the cop who dared to talk about his friends in that way. "Tell me exactly how this has _anything_ to do with what happened to them. How would that help you find who beat them, stabbed Sebastian and… _raped _Jeff. Tell me."

The cop didn't appear to be the slightest bit afraid of Trent. Nick and the second officer watched and listened as he answered, "Well you see, I'm just trying to find out if a rape even happened."

The club-owner stared, open-mouthed. "What the hell are you saying?" he asked in a dark tone.

The cop shrugged again. "I'm just wondering if Sterling was raped at all. I mean, we can't know if it was a _client _or not unless he wakes up…"

Nick stood up, ready to defend Jeff, but Trent beat him to it. He stood as well, menacing as he stared down at the cop. "I don't want to hear that shit. Jeff was beaten to within an inch of his life and brutally attacked. If I hear you spouting that crap again…"

He let the threat hang, aware there was another officer in the room. Both rose to their feet, the greasy-haired man standing just shorter than Trent. The blonde one ushered him out of the room, throwing an apology over his shoulder at his partner's behaviour. Just before they left, Trent said one last thing.

"It's _until_ he wakes up. Not _unless_."

* * *

><p><em>Jeff was stunned into stillness by Randal's fist slamming down on his jaw and he tasted blood. His head spun, but he could still feel his cut-off jeans being pulled down to his ankles, his underwear too, and then dizzying pain sliced through his body as Randal forced himself in. Jeff couldn't hold back the first, surprised cry of pain that tore from his mouth, but it hadn't even stopped echoing before his mouth was clamped shut again and he closed his eyes, willing himself to his safe place. <em>

"_Yer _mine_," Randal growled, slamming into him hard and pulling Jeff straight from his fantasy with an angry sob. His hands gripped Jeff's arms tightly, putting most of his weight on them so that as much as Jeff fought him, it did absolutely nothing at all except excite Randal further. In the end, as the man forced his way back into his mouth, Jeff gave up and lay still, refusing to reciprocate. It seemed to annoy him and Randal pulled back a little, breathing hotly in Jeff's face._

_"Say it."_

_Jeff didn't move and kept his eyes closed. His safe place was right there, just out of reach, he just had to forget everything and disappear…_

_He was brought back to reality with a shattering cry as Randal dug his nails into his arm, the other hand twisting in the blonde's hair and almost ripping it out. Involuntarily he opened his eyes and found himself staring into Randal's angry gaze._

_"Say it."_

_"What?" he choked, fighting back tears._

_"That yer mine. Ya want me. Ya love me."_

_It was so _sick _and so _wrong_ and Jeff shook, half-glad his stomach was empty and nothing would come up if he tried to throw up. Randal's next thrust made him wince and he coughed out, "I-I'm yours."_

_Randal's grip on his hair relaxed a fraction and his hips slowed. He moaned as Jeff continued. "I w-want you. Please. I-I…"_

_Randal kissed along his jaw and down his neck again and when Jeff turned his head away as he had before, the man cradled it gently with one hand, cupping his cheek and muttering things in his ear that would have been beautiful to hear had they not come from his mouth._

_"So good. God, yer perfect. Say it. Say ya love me."_

_"I-I.."_

_The words wouldn't come for the longest time. Finally, he managed to choke them out._

_"I-I-I l-love you." And then he mouthed to himself silently, so Randal wouldn't hear. "Nick."_

* * *

><p>It was three in the morning, as Nick finally fell into a fitful sleep curled up on one of the chairs, and he and Trent were the only ones in the waiting room, when two people entered. Trent was still awake and he got to his feet when he recognised one of the people as the doctor they'd spoken to earlier. Quickly he woke Nick by shaking his shoulder and the brunette jerked awake with a yelp. Stumbling to his feet, he looked between the two doctors – the second was much younger than the first, perhaps mid-thirties, a woman with pretty but tired blue eyes and a tattoo of three small stars behind her ear, half-hidden by her dark hair.<p>

"Whassgo'on?" Nick muttered, blinking the sleep from his eyes. The woman replied, "I'm Dr. Henley. I've been working on Sebastian Michaels for the last few hours."

"He's alright?" Trent asked hopefully. Nick was still too sleepy to comprehend much of what was happening.

The doctor nodded. "Yes. For the moment. We've stopped the internal bleeding and stitched his wound. We're not sure when he'll wake up yet, but for now everything looks as though it's going to be fine."

Trent sighed in relief and Nick nodded. So far the news had mostly been good. No one had died. Everyone was going to be okay. Everything was going to work out.

"However…"

It was the one word neither of them wanted to hear. They eyed the woman with dread as she continued. "I'd like to know if Sebastian has any family."

"He doesn't," Trent replied "Why?"

"Well, I need consent for some tests I'd like to run."

"What sort of tests?"

Henley sighed. "Look, to be honest, I don't_ know _if there's anything to be worried about. But I do feel as a doctor that there might be something wrong, and I want to rule everything out. The tests aren't necessary, hence why I need consent."

"And I can't give consent for him?" Trent asked and Henley shook her head. "Unfortunately, no. Only the patient, family or a guardian can. I'll just have to wait for him to wake up and get consent from him." She paused for a moment, looking from Trent to Nick and back again. "Visiting hours aren't until ten tomorrow… well, _this _morning to be technical. It's probably best if you went home and got some sleep – there's nothing for you to do here."

"I'm not going anywhere," Trent said in a definite tone. "Unless you're going to kick me out, I'm staying here."

"Me too."

Trent looked at him with a hint of surprise. Nick didn't blame him. The guy had probably figured that once he found out everyone was alright he'd go back home and leave them to it, but he couldn't. He didn't feel like he could leave Jeff alone at the moment. Not after what he'd been through. He'd seen the bruises, heard what the doctor had said. He couldn't leave him to face that sort of thing alone. If Jeff told him to piss off when he woke up then he would, but until then he was going to stay put and be there if he was needed.

Henley nodded. "I'm afraid there's not much we can offer you in the form of sleeping arrangements."

"Here's just fine." Nick half-smiled at her as he dropped back into his chair. Trent agreed. "If anything happens with Jeff or Sebastian…"

"We know where to find you," Henley smiled and left, the other doctor following behind her.

It took barely seconds for Nick to get himself into a somewhat comfortable position and slip off to sleep.

* * *

><p>Nick was woken by his phone ringing and vibrating in his pocket at almost ten that morning and bleary-eyed, he answered it without checking the ID.<p>

"Yeah?"

"_Nick? Why the hell haven't you been answering your phone?_" Kurt's voice was far too much for Nick to handle after one of the worst days of his life – and one of the worst night's sleep he'd ever gotten. He groaned and held the phone away from his ear and found the screeching was at a more acceptable volume when it wasn't so close.

"Because I was doing other stuff?"

"_You scared the hell out of me! I thought you'd died or something. Just answer your phone next time!_"

"Yes mother. What did you want?" Nick wasn't in the mood for civil conversation.

Kurt paused before answering. "_Well _someone _got out of the wrong side of bed this morning. Are you okay?_"

"I'm fine, Kurt."

"_Okay… look, it wasn't important, what I wanted to talk about. I just started to worry when you didn't answer your phone. You know it freaks us out._"

"Us?" Nick chuckled "Who are talking about? It's only you who freaks out about a missed call. Look, I'm not going to be at my classes today. And if you see Dean, can you tell him I won't be going to photography tonight? I… I still have things to work through. Can you let people know? Only… tell them I'm sick if they ask why."

"_Why all the secrecy?_"

"I'm afraid you're going to have to trust me on this one."

Kurt sighed. "_Fine, I'll tell them. But you better explain what's going on – sooner rather than later._"

"Thank you, Kurt." He purposely avoided confirming anything about explaining and hung up with Kurt starting to rant in the background. Sighing, he glanced up at the clock. The hands showed it was just past ten now and he got up, glancing down at Trent. The man was still asleep, half in his chair and half on the floor. Gently he nudged him awake, knowing that despite how much sleep they'd gotten the night before, Trent would still want to see his friends as soon as possible.

Trent followed Nick blankly to the receptionist, who kindly pointed them in the direction of both the rooms they were looking for. The two were a few halls apart from each other, so when they reached the spot where they had to decide who to see, Trent walked off towards Sebastian's room without saying a word. Nick watched him go curiously before turning and heading to Jeff's room.

He hesitated outside the door, wondering if the blonde had woken yet. He knocked lightly to be sure and when he heard nothing from inside and carefully pushed the door open and peeked inside. As soon as he saw Jeff, it was like nothing else mattered – he walked straight into the room, shutting the door behind him, and he sat by the blonde's bedside.

Jeff looked even more of a mess than the last time Nick had seen him. The bruises were darker and more pronounced, especially around his wrists, and the handprints on his upper arms looked as if they might be imprinted on Jeff's skin forever. There were machines around him, attached to him – Nick had no idea what most of them were for. His breathing was steady, the rise and fall of his chest the only thing marking him as alive under all the discolouration and limpness.

His eyes were closed and the bruises on his face were the only ones that hadn't changed since yesterday. At least, they didn't seem to have changed. Nick reached out tentatively to the hand that lay on top of the sheets that covered Jeff's battered body. He gently covered it with both his own. He stared blankly at Jeff, wondering how someone could have wanted to hurt him so much. Did they know anything about him? Did they know what a beautiful person he was? Or did they just want him, and did whatever they pleased because they could? Had they meant to kill him?

"You didn't deserve this," Nick said quietly "It's not fair."

Jeff didn't move. Nick wasn't sure if he'd expected him to or not. He sighed and rested his head on the bed, shifting one hand to lie on his arm while the other remained holding Jeff's.

"No one will ever hurt you again, Jeff. I'll make sure of that."

* * *

><p><strong>I honestly don't know where half of that came from. Maybe I'm stuck in angst-mode after writing 50,000 words of the stuff... <strong>

**Just Friends will be updated next. The next chapter of Worlds Apart has been finished and sent to my translator, so when I get that back from her I'll post it (if anyone here reads my Klaine stuff... ;P)**

**If anyone gets the Michaels reference for Sebastian, you get a virtual hug :) I'll explain it next chapter anyway (it's not hugely important, just a curious thing and something that just emphasizes I'm a bit of a nerd).**

**Finally, shout-outs to the beautiful and talented CurlyGleek for making the whole of NaNoWriMo bearable with her updates of _When Red Met Black_, and the amazingly sweet Chiara Bergonzini for her awesome reviews/comments. **

**Stay safe!**


	15. Nothing You Can Do

**Hi!**

**You must all be shocked at the fact it hasn't been months since my last update. That I'm actually updating in a somewhat timely fashion. I know, I'm surprised myself ;P But I've been particularly inspired for this fic and I missed it very much over NaNo. Hence why I haven't updated Just Friends yet - I'm getting there, but the next chapter of it is being difficult. **

**Fluff? Not quite yet :/ But it's not entirely angsty... I think... **

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

><p><em>Jeff lay motionless on his back as Randal finally pulled out and disappeared from view. He heard the sounds of jeans being tugged on and done up but he still didn't move. He wasn't sure he could. He'd only felt like this once his life – when he'd first started selling himself. He was accustomed to feeling worthless, used, dirty; but not this. He felt like a <em>nothing_. Hollow. Bad. _

_Randal slipped his hands under his arms and lifted him to his feet. Jeff couldn't stay upright without help; he was shaking all over and remained limp. He did what he was told with the slowest of movements – leaning on the man and lifting one leg at a time so Randal could help him back into his pants. He stared at the floor blankly as Randal's hands lingered on his thigh, his hips, his stomach, tracing up one side under his shirt, across his back. He didn't register the praise and compliments breathed into his neck and jaw in between faint kisses. He didn't react to the soft press of lips against his. Jeff was just numb. _

_Randal took his arm – Jeff only blinked as his fingers pressed in on the bruises he'd just created – and led him to the door and out of the room. It was the sound of someone calling out his name in desperation that finally snapped Jeff mostly out of his daze. He looked up, still a little hazy, and saw Sebastian sat on the floor, Jamie standing behind him with a hand twisted in the brunette's hair. There was bruising on his face but he looked okay. The dealer barked an order to Randal and he complied, pushing down on Jeff's shoulder until he was on his knees, though he was gentler about it than he probably should have been. Something about having Jeff had made the man a little more caring, but the blonde himself didn't care. He stared into Sebastian's eyes, trying to work his jaw to say that he was okay, he didn't have to look so guilty and horrified. _

"_Jamie," Randal looked a little uncomfortable "Are you sure…"_

"_Yes," the man said in a remarkably calm voice. "You can't keep him."_

_"It's only him you need to punish," Randal gestured to the man in his boss's grip "And you know I'll pay back his worth in full." Now he waved his arm loosely in Jeff's direction. Jamie turned his dark gaze on the man and Randal wilted._

_"Are you questioning my decision?"_

_"No…"_

_"Then shut up. There's plenty other whores out there for you to have. He's nothing special."_

_Randal nodded and stepped back, though he kept his eyes on Jeff. The blonde tugged at the bindings still holding his wrists together behind his back but it was useless. Even if he hadn't been as weak as he was, there was no way they were coming off._

_Jamie locked eyes with someone Jeff couldn't see, but the look of terror on Sebastian's face was enough to tell him that it wasn't good. There were footsteps behind him and then, on Jamie's nodded signal, something flashed in front of his eyes and smashed into his stomach. Jeff curled in on himself, gasping for breath. His attacker stepped into view and his eyes widened as he recognised Shaw, playing with a baseball bat and smirking at him with an evil glint in his eye._

"_Don't do this!" Sebastian shouted hoarsely "Please! Hit me! You've hurt him enough as it is."_

_Randal sneered at that and opened his mouth as if to retort but was cut off by Jamie, who pulled Sebastian up a little straighter by his hair and snarled, "Oh, you won't go without, trust me. But I've discovered that the best way to hurt a person …" He tightened his grip, making Sebastian wince. "…is to hurt someone they care about."_

_He nodded to Shaw again and he advanced on Jeff, swinging the bat lazily into his chest. As the blonde tried to suck air into his protesting lungs he was hit again – and again, and again, and again._

* * *

><p>Trent paused outside Sebastian's door, fingers curled around the door handle. He let out a deep sigh. Sebastian had been trouble from the very moment he'd met him eight years ago, sleeping on the back steps of Body Shots. He remembered the night well - he'd felt sorry for the shivering teenager curled up by the door with nowhere else to go, let him inside and given him food. It hadn't taken long for him to offer the boy a job he clearly needed, and it had turned out to be the best decision – for both of them – that he'd ever made. But he'd still made a hell of a lot of trouble for Trent, from being drunk onstage and passing out to being insolent and moody, particularly during the first few years they'd had to work together.<p>

But since Jeff, Sebastian had gotten so much better. He still had his down moments – his crazy high when he'd been completely hysterical earlier in the week was a particularly bad point. It took Trent a few minutes to realise that because it was now Monday, all that had happened the previous week. It didn't feel like it at all – his sense of time was messed up now, mostly from lack of sleep.

But Jeff was what had kept Sebastian alive and sane for the past five years when he'd had every reason not to keep going. And now Sebastian had gotten himself into more trouble than he could deal with. He'd almost lost his life this time. He knew he couldn't blame him for what had happened – Sebastian had been addicted to the coke since before he'd ever met him – but the drugs were what constantly landed him in hospital and Trent wanted it to _stop_. He needed it to. He'd grown to care for Sebastian, and then Jeff, and he couldn't keep doing this. Sorting out their messes, comforting them when they fought, picking up the pieces. He couldn't deal with this forever.

Finally he pushed open the door silently, looking inside carefully. There was no one in the room beside the battered, broken body on the bed and Trent bit his lip. He slipped inside and closed the door softly behind him, then just stood there. Sebastian was still unconscious, and from what he'd seen of the injuries, Trent was pretty sure he wouldn't be waking up any time soon. The slim brunette looked calm as he lay there, eyes closed, finally at peace for a little while. A blanket covered him up to his mid-chest, so Trent couldn't see his wound but just knowing it was there was bad enough.

He stepped closer and pulled a chair over to Sebastian's bedside, sitting down and leaning back with a sigh.

"You're an idiot. What on earth made you think that going to see your drug dealer without enough money was a good idea? And Jamie, no less. Why would you put yourself through that? And Jeff? It was stupid."

He wanted Sebastian to answer him. He wanted him to roll over and glare at him and tell him to fuck off. He wanted some sort of reaction from him. But he got nothing except the man's slow but steady breathing, and the sounds of machines working in the background. The room was very quiet.

Trent sighed and ran a hand through his hair. A moment later his phone started to ring and, knowing it probably shouldn't be on, got up and left the room to answer it. He was halfway down the hall to the waiting room when he picked up and he stopped there to talk.

"Hey Cameron."

"_Trent! What the hell is going on?_" Cameron sounded on the verge of a breakdown as he half-yelled at Trent down the line. "_I came back after work and you weren't there, and you wouldn't answer your phone, and everyone was pretty pissed that you hadn't opened the club and I had no idea where you were... Are you okay? What's going on?_"

Trent listened to him rant and when he finally stopped for a second he jumped in. "I'm fine. I'm at the hospital. Some friends of mine were hurt."

"_Oh, shit."_ Cameron calmed down a little, though there was still a nervous tinge to his voice. "_Are they alright? What happened?_"

"They should be fine." Trent didn't really want to discuss anything about Jeff or Sebastian with Cameron. He tried to keep the man out of the more dangerous aspects of his life as much as he could – drug deals and stabbings definitely counted in that category. He didn't need to know. "I'm sorry I didn't pick up."

"_No, that's okay,_" Cameron said "_I was just… I was… worried… about you._"

"Clearly."

They both fell into an awkward silence. They both tried to keep feelings and emotions out of their relationship as much as they could. It wasn't serious and was never going to be. They'd gone so far as to say the other could still sleep with whoever else they liked – what they had was purely about the sex and the company, although Trent hadn't taken up that other option anyway, and he had the feeling Cameron hadn't either. The fact Cameron had been worried about him was completely against everything they'd agreed to when they'd decided to keep sleeping with each other after that first drunken night, but he couldn't help the small warm feeling that buzzed in his chest.

"_Do you… um… do you nee-want me there or anything? I'll come down if you like._"

Trent caught the slip-up but said nothing about it. "No. It's okay. Besides, your friend's here. It would probably be a little awkward to explain why you'd show up."

"_My friend?_"

"Nick. You introduced us at the club a while ago."

The confusion in Cameron's voice was obvious. "_Why's Nick there?_"

Trent paused. Maybe he should explain a little. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything. Yes, that probably would have been a better course to take – but it was too late now.

"I'm sure he'll explain it to you himself when he wants to. It's not for me to say anything."

"_He's okay though?_"

"Yeah."

"_Oh. Good._" There was that uncomfortable silence again. Trent closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall. What he would give for all of this not to have happened. To have just had his Sunday with Cameron and everything still be normal. To not have his friends in the hospital and his lover freaking out about him.

"I'll talk to you later." He didn't mean to sound as abrupt and harsh as he did and he swallowed hard at the slight tone of hurt in the other's voice when he replied. "_Oh, uh, okay. I, um, I'll go. See you later._"

With a last quick goodbye Trent hung up and slipped his phone back into his pocket. He wasn't sure how long he stood there, back against the wall, but he was finally dragged out of his thoughts by his phone buzzing for a text. He fished it out and stared at it – the number was unknown. With a frown he opened the text and as soon as he read it, he shoved the phone roughly back where it belonged and headed off down the hall.

* * *

><p><em>Jeff lost track of how long Shaw beat him. He lost track of pain and feeling. He felt the blows as they came and prepared as best he could in what time he had but Shaw still managed to surprise him. As he fell onto his side and folded into the foetal position to protect himself, arms still bound securely behind him, the bat came down heavily on his back, making him arch and cry out. The next blow, just a little higher than before, was so strong Jeff was sure it broke his spine. All throughout the beating, he heard Sebastian shouting for it to stop, begging Jamie to stop hurting him. <em>

_Finally it stopped and Jeff heaved in breaths, finding it hard over the pain and aching in his chest. He opened his eyes to see Shaw walking towards Jamie, and the dealer letting go of Sebastian's hair and having to grab his arms to stop the brunette launching himself across the floor towards his battered friend. Jeff managed a small smile to let him know he was alright, but Sebastian was by no means convinced._

_"Please, let him go. I've learnt my lesson. I'll make sure I pay you properly, on time and everything. Just let him go."_

_The desperate tone in his voice was hard to miss. Jamie smirked and nodded once again to his man. Shaw walked back over and rolled Jeff onto his back, his arms squashed painfully between his body and the concrete floor. He kneeled over him, one leg either side of his hips, before pulling his fist back and punching him in the face. Jeff couldn't avoid it – he took the full blow and his head snapped to the side. He caught sight of Sebastian once more and saw his panicked expression as he fought Jamie's hold and shouted, "Stop! God, just stop it! Please! What do you want me to do? Just_ stop!_"_

* * *

><p>The first thing that Jeff was able to process was that someone was <em>touching<em> him.

Before he even opened his eyes he tried to wrench his hand from the person's grip. He felt weak and shaky, but the hold on his hand was light so he managed to extract it and as his eyes flashed open in panic, he heard a groggy voice talking to him.

"Wh… Jeff? Hey, Jeff, calm down, it's okay."

Sitting up, he turned his head in the direction of the voice, familiar somehow, and came face to face with the one person he didn't want to see.

Nick was holding his hands up in surrender, trying to calm him, and Jeff stared at him with wide eyes. It was then that he noticed the dull ache throughout his whole body, a little stronger in his lower body. It didn't take long after that for everything to come rushing back to him in full force and he choked out something that sounded like a sob, wrapping his arms around his chest and curling in on himself.

He half-wondered why everything didn't hurt as much as it should. He'd been beaten and… _that_. It should hurt more. But the smell of disinfectant and the brightness of the white room, even through closed eyes, told him clearly where he was and explained why he wasn't in pain. He felt a hand on his back, light and hesitant though attempting to be reassuring – but it didn't feel like that at all.

"Don't touch me!" he coughed into his knees, leaning away. Nick's hand snapped back and he didn't feel anything else as he sat there and tried not to cry.

"Are you okay… are you in pain?" Nick asked, amending his question. Jeff shook his head, not sure what he was feeling. He could still feel Randal's hands on him, especially his light touches after… after what he'd done. He could feel that hand trailing lightly up his back, caressing his hips, making him shiver. He could feel those lips on his neck, soft kisses as he whispered into his skin.  
><em><br>"Yer so beautiful, Jeff. Do ya know how beautiful ye are? So good. Perfect. I know ya want more, don't ya? Ya want me. God, yer so beautiful…"  
><em>  
>Jeff didn't want to be beautiful. Both Nick and Randal had told him he was beautiful and now he hated it. He wasn't beautiful; he was a filthy, disgusting whore and they should both know that. Nick shouldn't be sat next to him now, fumbling for words – he should be long gone.<p>

"Why are you…" Jeff sniffed, rubbing at his eyes with the heel of his palm "Why are you here?"

When he didn't get an answer he glanced over at the brunette and saw him frowning in slight confusion. "What do you remember?" he asked and now it was Jeff's turn to frown. He didn't want to remember. It was scary and awful and made him feel cold and shivery. He could already feel himself starting to tremble at the mere thought of going back over what had happened. Nick reached out but stopped an inch above Jeff's arm, pulling back with a soft apology.

"Why are you here!?" Jeff asked again, this time almost shouting. He wasn't in the right frame of mind to deal with all this. He avoided Nick's eyes and buried his face in his knees again.

"You called me," Nick said quietly "You thought I was Trent. You said you needed help but you were too out of it to tell me where you were. So I went to him and I think you told him. We went looking for you…"

Jeff's head shot up as a horrible thought crossed his mind and he screamed at himself internally for not recalling it sooner. He stared at Nick, terrified as he demanded, "Where's Sebastian? Is he okay? Where is he?"

Nick held up his hands again and answered quickly. "He's okay. We found you two in time. We brought you to the hospital and they were able to save him. He's still unconscious as far as I know, but Trent's with him now. He's going to be fine."

Jeff slumped back against the pillow, relief flooding through his tired body. Sebastian was okay. Sebastian was alive. That was all that mattered. He could manage everything else as long as Sebastian was alright.

Staring up at the ceiling, Jeff asked quietly, "Trent's with him? He's here?"

"Yeah. Did you want… did you want to see him?"

Jeff nodded once. He heard a quiet sigh from Nick he was pretty sure he wasn't meant to, and the sound of him delving in his pockets.

"Do you know his number? I'll text him to say you're awake."

He didn't know why Nick didn't just get up and go find him, but he rattled off the number without looking at the brunette, hugging himself tighter. A minute later Nick said, "I've sent it. He'll probably be here soon."

The silence stretched for a long time between them. Jeff remembered everything – including what he'd said as Randal hurt him. What he'd said to himself when Randal told him to say he loved him.

Was it true? Did he actually… no, he couldn't. Jeff tightened his jaw. He wasn't in love with Nick. Nick was someone who was there for him, who cared about him and who Jeff cared about in return (though even admitting that was a lot), and someone who, yes, had saved his life a number of times. But that didn't mean he loved him. He didn't know why he'd said it earlier, but it wasn't true.

It couldn't be.

At last there was the briefest of knocks on the door and Trent came rushing in. Jeff's head snapped up as he entered. The man looked awful. But the worry in his eyes lifted a little when he saw Jeff awake and the blonde smiled vaguely at him, his lips barely moving and his eyes blank.

"I'll go," Nick said quietly, standing and leaving the room. Jeff caught him looking back over his shoulder as he shut the door, but thought little of it. He was more focused on Trent, who moved closer and sat in the chair once occupied by Nick.

"Sebastian's alright."

"I know," Jeff mumbled "Nick told me. He's… he's really okay?"

Trent nodded. "Yeah. The doctor says he's going to be fine. They don't know when he'll wake up – he lost a lot of blood and he was in pretty bad shape – but he will. He'll be okay. If you hadn't called, we never would have known. You'd both have died. You saved his life, Jeff."

He didn't feel like the hero Trent was making him out to be. He just felt… cold. Shaky. He wrapped his arms around his knees and pulled them into his chest, staring out into space. The position made most of his body ache and every faint wave of pain brought back the memories, but he didn't bother moving. He'd hurt no matter what he did.

"I don't want to bring it up, but…" Trent bit his lip "Is Sebastian in trouble? I mean, is he supposed to be…"

Jeff shook his head and said blankly, "They don't care. They don't care if he's alive or not."

Trent nodded. "Well, that's some good news."

Was it? He supposed it was. It meant Jamie wouldn't come after Sebastian when he found out he hadn't died, but it also scared him. Jamie had played with their lives, almost killed the pair of them, and he could do it again if he liked. It wouldn't take much effort to have someone grab Jeff or Sebastian off the streets and do it all over again. Or if Sebastian was later with another payment – because he knew the man wouldn't be able to stop going back for more drugs, no matter how hard he tried. Jamie had them running scared.

At that moment the door opened again and older man in his fifties, with thick greying hair, walked in. He looked a little surprised to see Jeff awake, but it was gone from his eyes in an instant – all Jeff saw now was another doctor like all the rest, who didn't _really _care.

"It's good to see you up," the man said in a friendly tone "I'm Dr Grayson. Would I be able to check you over and see how you're doing?"

"Don't touch me," Jeff muttered, averting his eyes.

"I'll do my best," the doctor offered and then, to Trent, "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to leave for a few minutes while I check up on Jeff and have a chat with him."

Jeff looked up again in panic. He didn't want to be alone with a man he didn't know. "No." He shot a look to Trent who nodded reassuringly. "I'm not going. He wants me here."

Grayson nodded. "Very well. Jeff, could you please sit on the edge of the bed for me? Are you in any pain?"

The blonde shook his head as he slowly did as he was told, swinging his legs over the edge and staring down at them and Trent's feet. He saw them move and felt the bed dip a little beside him. Trent didn't touch him but the fact he was close was enough. The doctor's presence unnerved him and he jumped as he spoke again. "I'm going to untie the gown, okay? I won't touch you."

Jeff had barely even realised he was wearing a hospital gown. He wondered briefly what had happened to his clothes. But that thought was quickly removed as he felt the doctor's hands working at his back, not quite touching him but still close enough to scare him. He gripped the edge of the bed tightly, knuckles going white.

"You're okay," Trent whispered.

The examination took very little time at all but it felt like forever to Jeff. Grayson's hands hovered over his body and he couldn't help but be reminded of Randal and his soft, gentle touches. But eventually he was allowed to redress in his hospital gown and get back on the bed properly. The first thing he did was grab the thin blanket and cover as much of himself as he could, sitting up but holding it up to his chest. Trent slipped off the bed and reclaimed the chair, and Grayson took a chair of his own, pulling it up to the foot of the bed.

"Jeff, there are a few things I want to discuss with you. I'm not sure if you want your friend here or not for this…"

Jeff nodded. "He can stay."

Grayson accepted it without any more questions. "Well, Jeff, when you were brought in and we worked on you, we found evidence that you'd been sexually assaulted."

Jeff flinched. He hadn't expected the man to be this blunt – he wasn't sure what he'd expected from this talk, but _this _wasn't it. Grayson continued. "Is that true? Were you assaulted?"

He was nodding before he quite knew what he was doing, and as soon as he realised he stopped abruptly and stared down at the floor, away from both people in the room.

"In that case, I'd like to ask for your consent for a rape kit to be done, so we can catch whoever did this to you."

With a confused look, Jeff lifted his head. This wasn't normal. This man cared too much. He was too interested in helping him. He was supposed to not want anything to do with his disgusting self, want him out of the hospital as soon as possible – not trying to help him.

"W-What?"

"I want to know if you'd give us consent to do a rape kit."

"I…" He was speechless for a moment, though he knew what he was going to say when he regained the ability to speak. Finally he shook his head. "No. There's no point."

"There's a chance that we can catch the person that hurt you," Grayson persisted "He can be put away and punished."

"No," Jeff said, a little more strongly "It won't do anything. And I don't care. I just want to forget about it."

Grayson nodded. "Alright. But just so you know, there's only a short window in which you can change your mind."

"Is there anything else?" Jeff snapped "Or can you leave me alone now?"

The doctor got to his feet and brushed off his coat. "Very well. I'll be by later to check up on you again. Call for a nurse if you start to feel any pain."

And with that, he left. Trent opened his mouth to say something but Jeff stopped him. "Please. Just leave me alone for a minute."

His friend nodded. "I'll go grab a coffee and come back, okay?"

Jeff didn't bother acknowledging him. Trent sighed and left the room as well, leaving Jeff alone as he wanted. The blonde curled up on the bed on his side, facing away from the door, and within minutes he was crying, wishing his whole stupid life had never happened.

* * *

><p><em>Jeff's vision was blurry and dark when Shaw eventually got up and stopped hitting him. The man left him with a kick in the ribs before walking over to Jamie's side. Jeff rolled over enough to see Sebastian fighting the man's grip even harder, swearing and cursing in a way Jeff had never heard before.<em>

_"If only you didn't need the coke so much," Jamie sighed, releasing his grip so Randall, still watching reluctantly, could take over. The dealer dropped down beside Sebastian, grabbing his chin and forcing him to look at him. "None of this would be happening if you didn't crave it."_

_"I know!" Sebastian shouted "I know. I'm pathetic and useless and can't do a single fucking thing right."_

_"That's right," Jamie said "You can't even protect your friend over there."_

_Sebastian coughed out what Jeff thought might have been a sob. "Shut up."_

_"He trusted you. He trusted you to keep him safe. And look what you got him into."_

_Sebastian didn't say anything to that. Jeff tried to tell him that none of this was his fault, but the words wouldn't come out, his jaw wouldn't work, he was barely breathing properly as it was._

_"I could get Shaw to kill him right now."_

_The man in question stepped forward, the bat long gone as he drew a long knife from a sheath on his belt. Sebastian's eyes widened and he struggled harder, screaming, "_No!_"_

_"I don't think I'll do that though," Jamie continued as if Sebastian hadn't said anything "I've got someone else in mind for that knife. Someone who deserves it. Someone who's had it coming for a very long time."_

_Jeff barely saw it. He had to blink a few times as Shaw moved swiftly on Jamie's unspoken orders. It took him a moment to realise that the knife that the man had been fiddling with was now buried deep within his friend's stomach. He made a small noise in panic, unable to do much more as Sebastian gasped, eyes wide and blank. When Jamie nodded, Randal released him and the brunette grasped at the knife that lay hilt-deep inside his body. Shaw pulled it out before Sebastian could do anything and he gasped again, hands over the wound as blood cascaded through his fingers and onto the floor._

_"I'm almost glad Max didn't finish the job," Jamie chuckled "You've given me so many years of entertainment, Tris. And if you actually die this time, I'll make sure I tell him how good you've been for my business."_

_Jeff stared, fighting with what little strength he had left, as Sebastian collapsed onto his side, blood still dripping steadily from his fingers._

"_Get rid of them. I don't care what happens to them – if they die, it's a warning to everyone. If they live…" Jamie laughed. "Well, they'll be very fucking lucky and they won't be screwing me over again. Will you Tris?"_

_It was the last thing Jeff heard before Shaw's heavy booted foot connected with his head and he was shocked into a cold, dark world of painless sleep._

* * *

><p>Nick was at the back of the line at the small coffee shop just down the street from the hospital when a voice that was becoming steadily familiar spoke up from behind him.<p>

"Hey."

He turned to see Trent standing there. Neither of them said anything for a moment – they just assessed each other quickly, looking the other over to see how he was coping. Trent looked pretty bad, mostly tired with bags under his eyes and pale skin. But there was a dullness to his eyes that Nick didn't think he'd seen before. He seemed a little dead.

"Hey," Nick finally replied "Is he okay?"

"Yeah," Trent said "The doctor came by a little while after you left. He checked him over and talked to him about… the assault."

Nick understood why Trent lowered his voice and he glanced around quickly before he did the same to reply. "What happened?"

"He won't consent to the tests. I didn't expect him to. They'll never catch him, and even if they did he'd never go away for long, if at all. He's one of Jamie's guys – he'd be out in a few months."

"Jamie?" Nick frowned.

The other man sighed and rubbed his eyes. "He's the main dealer in town. Pretty much runs everything. They went to him to pay off a debt of Sebastian's and they didn't have enough. And they knew it, too. They knew they didn't have enough, and they knew Jamie'd probably kill them. Then again, if they hadn't gone, Jamie would have tracked them down and it probably would have been worse. He'd have made sure they were dead."

The brunette nodded but didn't completely understand. Jeff and Sebastian had gone to face an apparently notorious drug dealer with what they knew wasn't enough money to pay off the debt, and knowing what would happen to them. It didn't make a whole lot of sense. But if Trent was right, and this Jamie would have tracked them down, then it seemed like this was the lesser of two evils. The pair could be beaten and stabbed and _alive_, or they could be dead.

They moved up a little further in the line. Nick was surprised when Trent spoke again, his voice still low. "You really shouldn't have been dragged into this."

"Well, if he'd called you like he'd intended, I wouldn't know any of this. I'd be in the dark."

"That would probably be for the best. You don't belong in our world. It's dangerous – you've seen that first-hand."

"I've been involved in Jeff's life for a long time now. I'm not going to walk away from him."

Trent looked over at him curiously. "Why are you still here? Some guy that you barely know accidentally calls you and you come running. And you're still here, hanging around for him. Why?"

Nick looked away and said nothing. His silence was an answer in itself for Trent and his jaw dropped a little in confusion. His brow creased and he tilted his head.

"You don't know him. You don't know anything about him."

"That doesn't stop me caring about him."

"How long?"

"I only realised a few days ago, but I think it's been a lot longer than that," Nick said quietly. Trent shook his head. "You can't. You can't because he can't. You have no idea how screwed up you get from living the way we – and him in particular – live. He doesn't work the same way you do."

"But it's perfectly okay for you and Cameron, isn't it?" Nick was surprised at the venom in his own voice. Trent stared at him in shock. "How did you know?"

"I'm not stupid. I saw you running off to the back rooms a couple days ago at the club."

Trent sighed. "Cameron and I are the loosest form of 'friends with benefits' you could probably get." But even Nick could tell he was lying through his teeth as he spoke. There was so much more to them than that – he could hear it in the tone of Trent's voice, the way he bit his lip, the hurt look in his eyes being quickly replaced with one of steely resolve, how he held himself, how he backed away a step from Nick. He believed that 'friends with benefits' was what it was supposed to be. He knew Cameron well enough to be sure of that. But he also knew it had probably become a lot more than that. And knowing Cameron as he did, Nick was sure that his friend had no idea how to deal with it.

"I can't help it, Trent," Nick said "I care about him. A lot. I… I love him. And I know he'll probably never feel the same way and I can live with that, as long as I can keep him safe."

"It's going to be very hard to live with yourself then," Trent commented "Because Jeff's always getting hurt. He has been for a very long time. Nothing you do is going to change that. You think you can just sweep him away, Pretty Woman style? Get a grip on reality, Nick. Jeff is who he is, and you're you. You're normal. And maybe you should go back to that and leave Jeff alone."

"Maybe you should take your own advice," Nick shot back harshly. Trent stared and opened his mouth to say something, but they'd reached the front of the line and Jeff turned to the barista to order his coffee. Once he'd gotten his drink he looked back up at Trent and said in a low, warning tone, "Don't think you can tell me what to do. If Jeff wants me gone, then I'll go. But until then, I'm going to stay with him, and nothing you can do will stop me."

* * *

><p><em>Jeff woke to a burning pain throughout his entire body and he cried out involuntarily. Beneath him he felt something both soft and sharp, holding him up but poking into his back at the same time. The sensation was barely noticeable over the pain he was in; it seemed as though everything was aching and as soon as he moved the pain intensified to bolts shooting along his nerves. It took him a little while to summon the courage and the energy to lift his head to see where he was, fighting the pain. The world was bright and he had to adjust to the light, but when he did he didn't like what he saw. He was laying on the rubbish of a half-filled dumpster, paper and cardboard boxes and plastic bags full of stuff that smelled awful. He was positioned awkwardly, his legs hanging over the edge of the dumpster and one arm pinned underneath him. But it was Sebastian, lying on his back next to him, that terrified him. He saw the blood, remembered the knife and he moaned.<em>

"_S-Sebby…" he mumbled, wincing as he reached over with his free arm and shook him. The brunette was shockingly pale and didn't move.  
><em>  
>I have to get help<em>, he thought blankly. His hand automatically went for his pocket and he almost passed out from the surprise of finding his phone still there. Whether it worked was another matter. He tried to work the buttons but his movements were slow and he couldn't manage it. Frustrated, he wriggled around, trying to get his other hand free. As soon as it was, he hauled himself up a little, clinging to the edge of the dumpster. He tried to sit up properly but his legs refused to cooperate and the more he struggled, the more precarious his position became, until finally he pitched over the edge of the dumpster and landed on the pavement with a shout.<em>

_Shaking, he brought the phone up and attempted to find the number he needed. It was the moment of truth as he found it and dialled it, holding it to his ear and praying it worked, that someone picked up…_

"Hey Jeff, what's up?"  
><em><br>Was that Trent? Did it matter? Someone had answered. Someone could help him. Save Sebastian. He didn't realise he hadn't said anything until the voice on the other end of the line prompted him.  
><em>  
>"Jeff? You there?"<p>

_"T-Trent? Please, y-you have t …to help."_

"Jeff? Where are you? Are you okay?"

_"H-He's gonna die… Please… I-I can't…" Jeff choked, tears starting to fall as he tried to force air into his lungs._

"Where are you?"  
><em><br>He couldn't quite comprehend the question. He blinked, trying to concentrate, but God, everything just _hurt_.  
><em>  
>"Jeff! Where are you!?"<p>

_"It hurts…"_

"I'm coming to get you, Jeff, just hold on, okay?"

_He didn't really understand much of what was said next. Most of it was garbled and sounded a bit like 'keep talking' but he really couldn't. It hurt. He'd already said that. It was only when he heard the familiar sound of Trent's voice on the other end that he spoke properly again._

"Jeff?"

"_Trent…" Jeff mumbled.  
><em>  
>"Jeff? What happened?"<br>_  
>"You have… have to hurry… He's gonna die…" Sebastian. Someone had to save Sebastian. He was bleeding, stabbed, hurt; someone had to help him. Soon. He couldn't die. Jeff needed him. He had to stay alive.<br>_  
>"You have to tell me where you are, or I can't help."<br>_  
>Where was he? He had no idea. He didn't recognise anything. So he said the first thing that came to mind.<em>

_"W-Went to talk to… Jamie…"_

"What in the hell made you think that was a good idea?"  
><em><br>"Seb… owed…" Why was it getting so hard to talk? Why was everything starting to go black? At least it wasn't hurting so much anymore. _

_He heard Trent continue talking, but he couldn't focus on the words before he passed out again, clutching the phone in a death grip and hoping with everything he had that Trent would came and save Sebastian. Save him._

* * *

><p><strong>Pookie - you were the 150th reviewer but you're anonymous, so I can't PM you and ask if you'd like a oneshot for helping me reach a milestone? And I'm very flattered by your review, by the way XD<strong>

**Speaking of that. 150 reviews! Well, 153 at the time of update :D I'm amazed guys. You're all stunning and I love you all - readers, reviewers; all of you! I hope to catch you all for the next chapter - sooner or later they'll figure it out, I can tell you that!**

**Edit: I just realised that I said I would explain the whole 'Michaels' thing and I didn't. It's not really of any importance, but fans of the Black Butler anime should know what I mean. One of the characters is called Sebastian Michaelis, and he kind of reminds me a little of my Seb in this fic - he's a protector and he cares deeply about his charge. Like I said, it just shows that I'm a bit of a nerd ;P**


	16. Decisions

**Hey y'all! Hope you're all doing well :) **

**I hope you all enjoy this chapter as well. I think it kind of got away with me, but that's sort of how I write anyway - I have a basic plan and just go from there. Most of the time the story is incredibly different from what I thought it would be by the time I get to the end, and this one is certainly no exception. My first rough ideas had this fic ending at about this length, but there's still a little while to go yet ;P**

**Fluff! I think? Well, less angsty. And I think it'll get better from here - of course there'll still be angst, but probably less of it. If it goes to plan... ;P**

**CurlyGleek - have some Trent/Cameron :D They need a ship name... Trameron? **

**Pookie - I'm working on that oneshot for you. It should hopefully be done soon.**

**Enjoy!**

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><p>Jeff heard the knock at the door, but he didn't say anything. He figured Trent would get the message and leave him be. He was still trying to stop crying and he didn't want his friend trying to help. He just needed to be alone. But then he heard the door open a little and a voice he hadn't been expecting spoke quietly.<p>

"Jeff?" A short pause. "Do you want me to go?"

Jeff sniffed and rubbed at his eyes. Yeah, he wanted to be alone, but he still had burning questions that he had to know the answers to. So he wiped away the tears clinging to his cheeks, composed himself, and coughed to clear his voice, though he still sounded hoarse.

"You can come in."

He sat up in time to see Nick closing the door behind him. The brunette smiled weakly at him and gestured to the chair. "Can I…"

Jeff nodded. Nick sat, takeaway coffee in his hand but he didn't drink it. Neither of them spoke for a moment. Jeff knew how awful he must look, and he hoped Nick understood that this wasn't a time when he wanted people around him. That he was allowing him to stay despite the fact he wanted nothing more than to curl up and die.

Finally, he spoke.

"Why are you still here?"

Nick smiled vaguely. "Trent just asked me the same question."

"And?"

The brunette sighed. "I'm here because I can't leave. I can't leave you, I can't just get up and walk away."

Jeff glared at what he perceived as pity in Nick's voice. "I've told you before, I don't want your pity. I don't want you to stick around just because you feel sorry for me."

Nick looked up, startled. "No! That's not why I'm staying. I don't feel sorry for you."

The blonde frowned. "You don't?" If there was ever a time to feel sorry for someone, it was now. But Nick shook his head. "Well… I don't really know what I feel." He lowered his gaze as he spoke, a dark blush rising in his cheeks that Jeff couldn't even begin to explain. "I'm angry about what happened to you, and hurt, and… maybe I do feel sorry for you. I don't know. But I'm here because our lives aren't separate anymore. Ever since I helped you get away from those idiots trying to kill you, we've kind of been… entangled, with each other. And in a way, I've come to know you a little and that's exactly why I can't just walk away."

"What are you saying?" Jeff whispered, not sure if he was just hearing what he desperately wanted to hear. Because it sounded like Nick was saying he _cared_about him, more than a stranger should. But then again, they weren't really strangers anymore, were they? He hesitated on using 'friend', but what else were they?

"I'm saying… that… I want to help you. I don't want you to keep getting hurt." Nick couldn't look at him. He stared at the ground and Jeff stared at him, unblinking. Confused. Scared. This whole thing was terrifying because he didn't know what the hell was going on between them. He still couldn't force the words he'd spoken to himself as Randal assaulted him out of his head. And then Nick refused to leave him, wanted to help him even though he knew he was disgusting, that he was dirty and bad and worthless.

Jeff couldn't love him.

He'd never loved someone. He had Sebastian and he had Trent. But he'd never loved someone. And as much as he dreamed of waking up next to someone who told him they loved him, he _knew_ it would never happen, because he couldn't love anyone himself. He wasn't capable of it. And he wasn't worth it.

He was clinging to Nick because he was the first person other than Sebastian and Trent to show they cared about him. He was the only person who legitimately wanted to help him and wanted him to be safe. And he was so sweet, so kind and gentle, that of course he felt like he loved him. It made sense.

The silence stretched on. Jeff didn't know what to say. But he was saved from having to speak when the door burst open and Trent and a nurse entered. The first words out his mouth had Jeff on his feet instantly.

"Sebastian's awake. He needs you."

The nurse attempted to stop him leaving but both Nick and Trent blocked her way so Jeff could get through. Trent led the way down the corridors, the blonde stumbling a little as pain shot throughout his body, but it all disappeared as they got closer and he could hear screaming.

_Sebastian_.

Jeff threw open the door and all three of them stared at the scene. Sebastian was certainly awake – he was fighting and cursing, shouting mostly incoherently but some of the words were able to be made out. 'Jeff' and 'alive' were the only important ones Jeff heard. He shoved past the doctors who were trying to calm and sedate him, and as soon as Sebastian saw him he fell silent. Jeff tripped and collapsed onto the injured brunette, wrapping his arms around him tightly in a hug. Sebastian held on with clawing hands and the blonde felt him shaking with sobs as he buried his head into his shoulder.

"I-I thought…" he coughed "God… I… you're not…"

Sebastian was pressing hard on bruises and sore ribs; he was squeezing the life out of him, but Jeff just nodded and moved one hand up to the back of the brunette's neck comfortingly, running his fingers through his hair. "I'm okay. We're both okay."

He moved, perching himself on the edge of the bed so he could hold Sebastian and not have to exhaust himself any further. He let him cry and cling to him like a terrified child, half-aware of footsteps and movement behind him. He didn't know what was going on but he wasn't about to turn around and let go to find out.

Eventually Sebastian shuddered and heaved in a deep breath, calming himself, though he didn't lift his head. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. Jeff shushed him, rubbing his back. "It wasn't your fault."

The brunette looked up, eyes red-rimmed and bloodshot, tears streaking down his cheeks. He reached up with one shaking hand and touched the bruises on Jeff's face hesitantly. "He… they hurt you because of me. Because I couldn't pay them. I shouldn't have let you come…"

"Seb, you could barely walk," Jeff said quietly "You wouldn't have even made it out of our room without my help. And you know I would have gone anyway. It gave them something else to focus on. Can you imagine what they would have done to you if I hadn't been there to hurt?" The blonde sighed, knowing he probably wasn't helping.

Sebastian coughed. When he spoke, his voice was a hoarse whisper. "I thought they'd killed you."

"Same to you," Jeff replied "You scared the crap out of me. He should have stabbed me."

The brunette stared at him, horrified. "What? What are you talking about? You shouldn't have had anything to do with it! I was the one who deserved it. I was the one who fucked up. They should never have touched you. They should have beaten _me_, and hurt _me_, and killed _me_."

Sebastian winced and stiffened as his outburst ended in a surge of pain from his wound. He stared down at his bandaged midsection, brushing his fingers over the white material. Jeff shook his head.

"Seb, don't say stuff like that. What would I do without you? Where would I have been if it wasn't for you? I'm just glad we're both okay."

The other was silent for a moment, then sighed. "You're right. We're both alive. That's all that matters now."

Jeff shifted slightly to a more comfortable position, but Sebastian gripped him tighter and stared at him pleadingly.

"Please don't go."

The blonde nodded. "You're fine, Seb. I'll stay. I'll stay 'til you fall asleep. And if you need me, I'll come straight away, okay?"

Sebastian nodded, resting his head back on his friend's shoulder and wrapping an arm loosely around his own stomach. Jeff didn't let go of him until he heard his breathing even out and felt him relax in his arms. Gently, he lowered Sebastian back down onto the bed and pulled the covers up to his chest. Then he slipped off the bed and with a long backwards look, he stepped outside the room and found Trent and Nick standing a little way down the hallway. They apparently hadn't noticed his arrival, as they were arguing in hushed voices and didn't stop when he shut the door behind him.

"I already told you Trent," Nick said roughly "I'm not leaving unless he wants me to."

"I'm trying to keep everyone safe here," Trent hissed "I've known Jeff for a lot longer than you have, and you're just going to make things worse for him. You can't just play around until you get bored and then leave. You'll kill him. And our world isn't safe for you either, so before you say anything, I am actually trying to help you too. I don't want anyone to get hurt."

Jeff frowned and listened closely as Nick shot back, "You might have known him longer, but you don't care about him like I do! I'm not playing around. I want to keep him safe. I want him to be okay. And I can handle myself. That's what you do, Trent; you do what you have to for the people you l-"

He was cut off by Trent lashing out and shoving him against the wall. Jeff stared in shock, frozen and unable to intervene as his friend spoke in a dangerous tone. "Don't talk to me like I don't understand. I know _exactly_ what you do for the people you care about. You keep them _safe_. Which is what I'm trying to do."

Pinned between the wall and Trent's arm, Nick glared. "I want to like you, Trent. But you're making it really difficult. We could both do this – we could both help him, keep him safe."

"No," Trent said flatly. "You're bad for him."

"Who was the one that's saved his life more times than you probably even know?" Nick pushed at Trent's arm but failed to free himself. "Who was the one he called when he overdosed and almost died? Who was the one he came to when he needed somewhere to stay? Why didn't he go to you?"

Nick didn't get the chance to finish his tirade, as Trent swore and reached a twitching hand around to his back. Jeff followed it, saw the tell-tale lump under his shirt and his jaw dropped. He didn't know why Trent had his gun on him, but he was raging mad and likely to use it, even in the middle of a hospital.

"Trent!" he shouted, voice breaking off at the end. The man froze and shock overcame him; he let go of Nick and took a step back, running both hands over his face and through his hair in distress. Nick alternated between staring at Jeff and staring at Trent.

"I wouldn't have…" Trent choked out but he trailed off, obviously rethinking that statement. It was that fadeout that made Jeff sick with horror. Trent thought he would have used the gun. Trent might have shot Nick. Maybe he would have just threatened him with it, but who knew how far he might have gone? Especially with Nick saying the things he'd been saying.

"How much of that did you hear?" Nick asked.

Jeff swallowed. His voice sounded like he'd swallowed gravel as he said, "Enough to know that you two need to get out of here. And that I don't want to hear anymore."

With that, he turned and went back into Sebastian's room. He'd planned on returning to his own room but at the moment, what he needed was someone he could trust. The man was still sleeping and Jeff crossed the room to climb onto the bed in front of him. Facing each other, Jeff stared at the peaceful face of a sleeping Sebastian and thought.

He'd seen Trent get angry a few times. He'd even seen him pull his gun. And although he'd heard the gunshots many times, he'd only ever seen him fire it once. A man known to viciously abuse the dancers at the club had tried to force his way in after Trent had banned him, and Trent had levelled his gun at the man's head and let off a shot that missed him by an inch. It had been terrifying, Jeff recalled, seeing Trent lower the gun just a little and calmly tell the intruder to get the fuck out, or the next one wouldn't miss.

He'd never thought that his friend would do something like he'd almost done just now, though. He never would have believe him capable of doing something as stupid and impulsive as pull a gun in the middle of a hospital over an argument.

And then there was the argument itself. Nick had wanted to stick around and Trent had wanted him gone. Jeff sighed and closed his eyes. He didn't really want to think about it, but his mind wouldn't let him stop. Nick wanted to protect him. So did Trent, but he thought it involved Nick disappearing. Would it be better if the brunette wasn't in his life anymore?

_Probably_, a small voice in his head said. _Your life would be so much simpler_.

_But then I'd be dead. I'd be dead if he wasn't a part of my life._

It was one of the only things he knew for sure. If Nick hadn't saved him that first night they'd met, he'd probably have died. And if he hadn't, any number of situations after that would have gotten him killed. The overdose, Jamie… Maybe fate was trying to tell him something. Maybe he wasn't supposed to be here anymore. He was supposed to be dead, but somehow he managed to keep stupidly avoiding it.

That, or Nick was some guardian angel making sure he stayed alive.

_I must be tired_, Jeff thought, smiling faintly to himself. He felt Sebastian shift a little closer and one hand reached out tentatively. When he touched the blonde's wrist he latched on, wrapping his fingers around the bruises and sighing. Jeff winced but didn't pry him off. Instead, he settled himself as comfortably as he could on the bed that wasn't really big enough and dropped off to sleep, dreaming of a time long ago, and a little girl with an angel necklace.

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><p>Trent was quite proud of his self-control. He managed to make his way out of the hospital, catch a taxi to go pick up his car from where he'd left it (completely unharmed, as he'd known it would be) and get back to the club and through the door before he lost it.<p>

_How the fuck am I this stupid?_ He swore angrily as he slammed the door shut violently. It took him longer than usual to get up the stairs as he was busy being furious with himself and punching the crap out of the walls, but when he finally made it up to his small, essentially one room apartment above the club, he set to work on destroying the place.

_I fucked up big time. I could have shot him. I could have pulled my fucking gun in the middle of a hospital and killed someone. _

But it was the next thought that terrified him the most, and it made him grab his gun from his jeans and hurl it against the wall.

_I would have shot him._

It was those stupid _idiots'_ fault. He'd been perfectly normal before they'd showed up. He'd been happy running his club, happy living his life without much of a care. And then Sebastian had appeared on his doorstep, a pathetic and starving teenager curled up asleep with nowhere else to go, and for some reason he'd let him in instead of telling him to get lost. He still didn't know how, but he'd come to care about Sebastian – he'd become a friend. And then Sebastian had dragged a stick-thin, bright-eyed blonde boy into the club one night, said he'd found him asleep on the back step, and it happened all over again.

Trent sank to the floor, leaning against the wall and dropping his head into his hands. In the years that he'd know the pair, he knew he'd grown to care for them far too much. He didn't even know their whole stories – nothing of Sebastian's, and a little of Jeff's – but somehow they'd wormed their way in and now he felt like he'd do anything to keep them safe. And then Nick had to mess it all up. Nick had to come in and fuck with Jeff's head, save him then upset him then save him again. He had to try to be the hero. He had to fall in love with Jeff.

Nick was the one making his life difficult. Everything had been going fine before Nick had appeared on the scene. Now both his boys were in the hospital, so close to dying. Was it really so strange to think that Nick was bad for them – Jeff – to be around? He'd just been trying to protect them. Protect Jeff from getting hurt. And then he'd been stupid, gotten riled up by Nick's comments when he should have just walked away. If Jeff hadn't been there, hadn't said anything…

"Trent?"

The gentle voice surprised him and he jerked his head up, eyes landing on the man standing in the doorway watching him hesitantly.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

Cameron didn't move from the doorway. "Nick called me. Somehow he… he knows about us. He told me what you did."

"So you felt the need to come all the way here to yell at me in person?" Trent snapped. He knew he was being harsh, but he couldn't stop the words falling from his mouth. Cameron blinked, tensed up for a moment, and said, "No. I was worried. About you. I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Well, as you can see, I'm fine."

"I don't think this place would agree with you," Cameron said, gesturing around. Trent frowned and took his first good look around the room. He'd done a pretty good job at trashing the place. There were holes in the walls, things scattered around the floor, shattered glass. He barely remembered doing any of it. He'd been too angry.

"Piss off, Cameron," Trent sighed. The taller man stepped into the room and stood in front of him, looking down.

"No."

He wasn't sure what came over him. Trent got to his feet and glared at Cameron. "Get the fuck out!" he shouted, shoving him hard in the chest. Cameron stumbled backwards, the confusion on his face at being hit quickly replaced with determination.

"Trent, I'm not going anywhere. Not when you're like this."

"Get out!" Trent pushed him again "I don't want to see you anymore!"

"What?" Cameron stared, the confusion returning.

"You heard me!" Trent glared at him with fury as he shouted. "Just get out of here. Don't come back."

"What the hell brought this on?" Cameron asked, folding his arms over his chest.

Trent shook his head. He didn't want to admit Nick was right, but he'd be the biggest hypocrite if he continued to see Cameron when he told Nick not to see Jeff. And it was best, wasn't it? They both knew they were getting too attached. It was time to stop.

"You need to go. I don't want to see you again!"

He suddenly couldn't hold Cameron's gaze, and looked down at the floor – which is why he didn't see the attack coming. Cameron grabbed him by the shoulders and pinned him against the wall roughly, surprising Trent and making him gasp.

"Listen to me," he growled and Trent's eyes snapped up to meet the blonde's angry, dark stare. "I don't know what the hell is up with you, but it's going to stop. Tell me what's going on with you!"

In the moment of silence after Cameron spoke, Trent's anger returned and he fought hard against the man's grip on him, lashing out. "Get off me! I told you to go!"

"Well I'm not!"

"You know this isn't working!" Trent shouted "This isn't what we're supposed to be! We're not supposed to fucking _care!_"

His next words were cut off as Cameron pressed his lips to his, hard and forceful. Trent only fought him for a second longer before giving up and kissing him back, opening his mouth to the blonde and moving his hands to the back of Cameron's neck and gripping hard. When they finally broke apart, both were nearly out of breath and they just stood there for a moment, Cameron resting his forehead against Trent's, breathing heavily.

"I'm fucked then," he said, smirking slightly "Because I _do_."

"So do I," Trent said breathlessly before pulling him back to kiss him again.

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><p>Almost from the moment Jeff woke up, his morning was busy. At some point during his sleep he'd been moved back to his own room – the thought of which unnerved him immensely – and once he was awake, a nurse arrived to see how he was holding up. She checked him over, respecting his wish not to be touched, before leaving. Not long after, breakfast was brought to him – he knew hospital food should taste terrible, but it was twice as good as the crap he ate at home every day. And then a little while after he'd finished, feeling blissfully full, Dr Grayson had come to see him, giving him yet another look over before asking once more if he wanted a rape kit done. He got angry again, told him no, but there was nothing he wanted more than to see Randal – and Jamie, and <em>Shaw<em>, and all the rest of them – rot in jail. They deserved nothing less. But he knew it would never happen, kit or not, so he refused again. The doctor gave him a very concerned look that confused Jeff a little, and told him that he'd be discharged in the afternoon since he didn't want the tests done. It was some of the most welcome and most awful news he'd had in a while.

He wanted to get out of the hospital and away from all the doctors and nurses and questions as soon as possible, but Sebastian was still here. He wouldn't be leaving just yet. Jeff didn't want to go and leave Sebastian behind. He knew he could still come see him but it wasn't the same – Sebastian was hurt and needed someone there with him.

It was about an hour after Grayson left when there was another gentle knock on the door. Jeff, lying on the bed and staring up at the ceiling, groaned. What else could they want to do to him? He considered telling whoever was on the other side to fuck off, but instead he rolled his eyes, sat up, and told them to come in.

He wasn't expecting Nick to walk in. The brunette shut the door and leaned back on it, only looking at him occasionally – the rest of the time, he kept his head down.

"What do you want?" Jeff asked, glad that his voice was stronger now and he didn't sound so pathetic. Nick glanced at him and said softly, "I wanted to apologise."

"Shouldn't you be apologising to Trent?" Jeff said "You know, the one you pissed off enough to want to shoot you."

Nick sighed. "Yeah. And I will. But he stormed off yesterday and he hasn't been back here since. And I wanted to apologise to you as well. I said some pretty bad stuff and probably pissed you off too."

"A little," Jeff admitted. But he couldn't really be mad at him – he'd said awful things in the heat of the moment that had led to the very situation they were in. Nick continued in a quiet tone, "I seem to have the habit of saying stuff I don't mean when I'm angry. I shouldn't have taunted Trent like that."

"No, you shouldn't have," Jeff said "But it's done now. And I've done the same thing, so we're both awful people."

He didn't quite mean it like that. He meant that they both sometimes did things they didn't mean. He certainly didn't want to insinuate that Nick was _anything_ like him. That he was bad, awful, _worthless_. Nick, while he had his flaws, was a million times better than he was, and he looked down at the bed in shame after he spoke. He only looked up again when he heard Nick settling into the chair beside him.

"I heard you're being discharged," Nick said.

"Yeah."

"...What are you going to do?"

Jeff looked at him curiously. The tone behind the question sounded as if Nick was hoping for a specific answer – but what that was, Jeff wasn't sure.

"Go home. Come see Sebastian when I can. Try to find a way to pay his hospital bills. Work as much as humanly possible," the blonde shrugged "What else can I do?"

Nick was so quiet when he spoke that Jeff almost missed it – and he when he realised what the brunette had said, he wondered if he'd heard him right.

"You could stay with me."

"What?" Jeff blinked, staring at Nick. "You… what?"

"I told you before that if you ever needed anything, my door would always be open to you," Nick continued, looking at him with somewhat sad eyes. "And… I'd really like it if you would come and stay with me instead of going… home." He paused for a moment, then added hastily, "If you want to, I mean. I'm just saying that you're welcome to stay, if you'd like…"

He trailed off and sighed, averting his gaze. Jeff could only stare in absolute confusion as his brain tried to wrap itself around the offer. He'd asked Jeff to stay before, but this time it seemed different somehow. There was something different about his tone, his expression – everything. This wasn't like the other times. Jeff had the feeling it would mean something totally different if he agreed to the offer this time. At least, to Nick. He didn't understand it, but he knew. This was something… new.

"Can… can I think about it?" he asked hesitantly.

Nick looked startled – probably that he'd replied with something other than 'no'. "Y-Yeah, of course!" he said, a smile starting to form. Jeff's face threatened to do the same but he forced it down before it grew too much. Instead, he asked, "Do you mind… if I go see Sebastian?"

The brunette shook his head. "Do you need any help?"

"No." Jeff got to his feet and waited for Nick to rise. The brunette held the door open for him, but didn't follow him towards Sebastian's room, for which Jeff was grateful.

When he reached his friend's room there was the sound of voices coming from inside, and he pushed open the door carefully to see what was going on. Sebastian was arguing with someone Jeff assumed to be a doctor – she was trying to get him to agree to something.

"I really think-"

"I don't care what you think," Sebastian snapped, a hand to his stomach "I don't want to do it."

The doctor sighed. "Fine. But if there is something wrong, these tests could save your life."

It was only then that either of them noticed Jeff was in the room. The brunette brightened considerably when he saw his friend standing there, and glared at the doctor pointedly until she gave up and left, leaving the pair alone.

"What was that all about?" Jeff asked as he sat on the edge of the bed. Sebastian sighed. "Stupid woman wants to run some tests. Apparently she thinks there might be something wrong with me beside having a hole in my gut, but she won't know unless I agree to let her do the tests."

Jeff frowned. "Maybe you should have them."

Sebastian raised an eyebrow at him. "There's nothing wrong with me, Jeff. I'm fine. Besides, we already have to figure out how we're going to pay for all this shit. There's no way we can get out of this."

The blonde nodded in agreement. They would have to pay for both their hospital stays and it wouldn't be easy. But he didn't like the idea of Sebastian being sick. And if a few simple tests could prove either way, then it sounded like a good idea. He voiced this opinion to Sebastian, adding that he'd pay off any extra expense, but the brunette laughed and waved it off.

"I'm okay, Jeff. She's a doctor – she's supposed to say there's things wrong."

"There's no harm in having the tests though."

"Except the money."

"I told you. I'll pay whatever I have to."

Sebastian shook his head. "No. I won't let you. You've done enough for me."

Jeff smiled faintly at that. Did Sebastian know just how much he meant? Did he know that he'd saved him, and as much as they fought and argued, that Jeff would go to the ends of the earth for him? He clearly didn't, if he was acting like this.

"Please," he said "Just do it. For me."

"Don't pull that crap," Sebastian warned, but as the silence dragged on and Jeff just stared at him, the brunette finally sighed and relented. "Fine. But _I _will be paying for them, okay? That's the deal."

"Okay," Jeff smiled "If you say so."

"You're annoying."

"But you couldn't live without me," Jeff teased, though they both knew it was absolutely true.

"Neither can you."

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><p>By the time his cleaned clothes were returned to him and he was told he was allowed to return home, Jeff had made up his mind. He walked down the corridors towards the front entrance with determined steps, though he was still a little shaky. As soon as he'd been officially discharged, Jeff walked out the front doors and found Nick waiting for him.<p>

"I'll take you wherever you want to go," he said.

"I need to go home," Jeff replied, and for a moment he thought he saw sadness sweep through the brunette's eyes. "Okay," he started, but Jeff interrupted him. "I need to go home so I can grab my stuff. And then we can go back to your place. If that's still okay?"

The smile that graced Nick's face was full of relief, excitement and happiness. "Of course."

Jeff knew this was probably a terrible idea, just all the other terrible ideas he'd had throughout his life. He'd been close to declining Nick's offer and just returning to his and Sebastian's place and forgetting all of this had ever happened. But he wasn't sure he could face being alone in that room at the moment. Not when the only thing it reminded him of was Sebastian, and Sebastian was still in the hospital with his injuries and tests. And he'd had the feeling that going with Nick, while terrible, might just be good as well. He couldn't quite place what had made him change his mind – all he knew was that he had, and he was glad for it.

The smile Nick had given him was worth it.

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><p><strong>Writing this fic always makes me think about the end that I have planned, and then I smirk and think about how you're all probably going to both love and hate me for it. <strong>

**I'm an evil bitch, aren't I? ;D**

**Thank you all for reviewing, reading, and generally being awesome :) See you all in the next chapter!**


	17. Closer

**Hi! **

**It's been a little while, and I was supposed to be working on Worlds Apart, but I'm blocked on that one and I was getting ideas for this. I wasn't about to pass that up :) I'm not going to say much - there's not much to say, and I really need to get to bed because I have Tafe tomorrow - but I will say that I hope you all enjoy this cute, fluffy, slightly-angsty-but-only-a-little-bit, full of feels chapter :D**

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><p>He knew it shouldn't, but walking into Nick's house again felt <em>good<em>.

Admittedly, it also felt a little strange – it seemed like a lot of his time over the past few weeks had been spent at Nick's place, and so many different, conflicting things had happened. But it felt good to just walk in knowing that he was actually wanted there. He hadn't been paid to sleep there, he hadn't begged to crash on the couch – Nick _wanted_ him in his home.

Once they were inside, Nick let Jeff past him so he could shut and lock the door. Jeff wandered into the living room, idly playing with the strap of his messenger bag and wondering how the hell this had happened. Had someone told him a month or two ago that he would eventually have a friend that liked him, that wanted to be around him – that despite all the crap he'd go through, he'd feel that his life had never quite been this good in a very long time – he'd have thought they were crazy. But it was all happening right now and it was a little overwhelming. Jeff sank onto the couch with a small sigh, wincing as his muscles protested at how long he'd been standing up and walking around. Nick walked in at that moment and immediately frowned. In a matter of moments he'd grabbed Jeff's hands and pulled him back to his feet.

"You're not sleeping on the couch."

Jeff stared at him, a little dazed from the sudden movement, his head starting to spin. "What?"

"I'm not going to let you sleep on the couch," Nick said firmly "You're still hurt. And anyway, I asked you to stay, so it's hardly fair that I make you sleep on that crappy thing."

The blonde blinked, only just getting his senses and balance back. "So… where am I sleeping then?" he asked in confusion.

"You get the bed. I'll take the couch," Nick said. Now it was Jeff's turn to frown. "Are you serious? It's your house!"

The brunette nodded. "Exactly. So what I say, goes. And I say you're taking the bed."

"I can't…"

"You can and you will," Nick replied before Jeff could finish. The blonde sighed in exasperation, once again utterly bewildered by him.

It was only a few seconds later that they both realised Nick hadn't let go of Jeff's hands, his hold light but definite. They glanced down at their linked hands almost simultaneously and then back at each other. Jeff couldn't help but notice the faint colour to the brunette's cheeks but neither of them let go – at least, not until Nick suddenly blinked and released his grip hurriedly.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

Jeff ducked his head and bit his lip. The silence between them was long and a little awkward, but finally Nick spoke up again, clearing his throat and saying, "So, um… you hungry or… tired or something?"

Jeff shrugged. "I guess I'm kind of tired. Everything sort of… hurts."

Concern filled Nick's eyes. "Do you need anything?"

The blonde shook his head. "Just sleep. I'll be fine."

Nick reached out a hand but didn't touch him this time. He gestured for Jeff to follow him and he did so, the brunette leading him to his bedroom although he already knew where to go. There was another silence as Nick stood in the doorway and Jeff a few steps away, though it was shorter this time. Again, it was Nick who broke it. "If you, uh, if you need anything… just ask."

"Thanks," Jeff replied quietly.

Nick smiled slightly and closed the door, leaving the blonde alone in the room. After a minute of digesting that fact – Nick was letting him sleep in his _bed_ – he figured he may as well actually get some sleep like he'd said he needed. He stripped off his jeans, which took a little longer than it should have as his muscles protested vehemently against continually being used. But eventually the job was done and hesitantly Jeff crawled under the unmade covers of Nick's bed in his underwear and wifebeater. For a moment or so he was tense, sure that no matter how much he wanted to sleep he wouldn't be able to because this was all so_ weird_, but as he settled his head on one of the many pillows strewn across the bed, he breathed in and instantly relaxed. Everything – the pillows, the blanket, the sheets – smelled like Nick, and all the tension seemed to rush out of him. Jeff curled around another of the pillows, dragged the blanket up around him, and within a few minutes, was sound asleep.

* * *

><p>The short amount of time between being asleep and being awake was Trent's favourite part of the day. The world looked so much better through fuzzy, sleepy eyes, and all the problems he had just melted away; they didn't exist for that minute. His dreams were still fresh in his mind and reality was blurry. Life was perfect.<p>

Trent yawned, lost in his precious half-awake daze, and tried to roll over, but found himself trapped in a heavy embrace, strong arms wrapped around his chest and clinging onto him. Trent wriggled a little until he could twist around and face the man holding him. He smiled. The afternoon sun lit up the blonde's hair and body, though his face remained mostly in shadow. He was gorgeous.

With a small groan, Cameron began to wake up slowly, and Trent watched him slip from his own dreams and back into the real world. He blinked sleepily at Trent before a goofy smile lit up his face. The other laughed softly.

"Hi," Cameron mumbled, nestling his head under Trent's chin.

"Hey," Trent smiled as he ran a light hand down the other's bare side, caressing his hip and loving how soft his skin felt under his fingers.

Since the argument yesterday, Cameron had refused to leave him alone, even going so far as to call in sick to work. Much of that time had been spent talking or, as Trent was quite sure Cameron would tastelessly put it, fucking each other senseless. And he was quite happy with that. But life had to catch up with them at some point. They couldn't stay in this blissful haze where nothing mattered except each other. They had lives. Cameron had a job. Trent had to see Jeff and Sebastian. Apologize to Nick – because he knew he had to.

"We should probably get up," Trent said quietly. Cameron made a noise that definitely sounded like disapproval and snuggled up closer, tightening his grip.

"Cam, come on," Trent tried to reason with him, even though the last thing he wanted to do was move from where he was "We have stuff to do."

Cameron finally lifted his head and mock-glared at him. "Not 'til tomorrow. Everything can wait until tomorrow." When his glare melted to a pleading look, Trent relented. "Okay. Tomorrow then."

The blonde grinned and propped himself up on one elbow, his free hand brushing across Trent's forehead and tangling in his hair. He leaned down and kissed him lightly, still smiling, and Trent returned it, one hand around the back of Cameron's neck and the other running along his back firmly. The kiss deepened quickly and soon it was dirty, open-mouthed and passionate. Cameron shifted onto his knees over Trent and grabbed his hands, pinning them to the bed roughly.

"You're… insatiable," Trent tried to keep his voice strong but it failed him. He bit his lip as the blonde nuzzled against his neck, just below his ear which he _knew_ was the other's weak spot, kissing and licking lightly, occasionally sucking on his earlobe before returning to gently marking Trent's neck. When he eventually moved away from the area, Trent moaned at the loss.

Cameron smirked. "I can't help myself." He punctuated his sentence was a barely-there kiss to the other's nose. Then, still smiling, he began to kiss along Trent's jaw and then down to his chest, lips and teeth grazing over the small marks that he'd already made earlier in the day. His smile widened at the memories that lay within them. "I can't get enough of you. You're addictive."

As touching as Trent thought that was, there would be time to think about it later. Right now, he wanted more action, not more words.

"Just shut up and kiss me."

"With pleasure."

* * *

><p>When Jeff woke, it was with a start. The bed beneath him didn't feel normal – it was softer and more comfortable – and he was unbelievably warm. He was used to being at least a little cold almost all the time, and now he felt cocooned in soft, safe warmth. It took him a moment to realise where he was, and when he did he relaxed and stretched out with a yawn, snuggling under the blanket a little more. He'd never felt so comfortable in his life. He could easily just slip back to sleep, surrounded by pillows and tucked under the blanket.<p>

Jeff buried his head into one of the pillows and sighed. Breathing in, all he could smell was Nick and while it was reassuring in one way, it also reminded him of why he was even in this bed. Nick had been kind enough to give it up for him when he had absolutely no reason to – and Jeff felt bad. Quickly he sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, wincing at the pain that shot through his body. He had to pause for a moment, rubbing a hand over his face until it passed, before he could get up and stumble into his jeans, then towards the door, still partially asleep.

He frowned at the lack of light in the rest of the house. Everything was dark except for a small glow coming from somewhere near the couch. Confused, Jeff wandered over. On the couch was Nick, lying down under a blanket, reading a book by the light of a lamp that had been set up on the coffee table. When he saw Jeff from over the top of his book, he smiled and lowered it.

"You okay?" the brunette asked. Jeff nodded. "Yeah. What… what time is it?"

"I think it's around ten," Nick replied "Did you sleep well?"

Jeff blinked. "Yeah. Um... are you sure it's okay for me to sleep in your bed?"

Nick nodded. "Of course."

The blonde looked down awkwardly, feeling as if he didn't quite deserve this. It was nice enough that Nick had asked him to stay – a complete surprise was probably a more apt description – and he didn't want to impose more than necessary. But he couldn't help but smile at Nick's generosity. He really was the sweetest guy Jeff knew. He liked the idea of Nick caring about him that much. Maybe it was true – as time wore on, it seemed more and more likely; that denying it was naïve and desperate. Almost everything Nick had done for him had shown that he cared. It was hard to say otherwise. And Jeff was starting to open up to that idea. He liked it; the thought that he wasn't disgusting in _everyone's_ eyes. That there was someone besides Sebastian and Trent who didn't think he was filth. He was still hesitant – living so long as he had meant trust was something long-forgotten – but he was just starting to believe it. He didn't deserve it, but if Nick was going to be nice to him then he was happy to go along with it.

Glancing up, he saw Nick had picked up his book again and was trying to appear as if he were reading it, but it was clear he wasn't. He was sneaking quick looks over the top of the pages at Jeff, hurriedly lowering his gaze when he realised Jeff was watching him.

"What are you reading?" Jeff asked quietly, as Nick's hand was covering the title of the book. The brunette jumped at being addressed and gave him a small smile. "Lord of the Rings."

"Really?" Jeff tried not to smile too much but he couldn't quite stop himself "Which one?"

"The first one," Nick replied "You like Lord of the Rings?"

Jeff shrugged. "I started reading them once, but I only really got a few chapters into it before… well, I stopped," he finished uncomfortably, not really wanting to tell Nick that the reason he'd stopped reading the book was because he'd had to leave most of his stuff behind when he was kicked out of home.

If Nick noticed the pause, he didn't say anything about it. He just glanced down at the book and then back up at Jeff again, his smile a little softer but not gone. "I read them once when I was younger, but I thought I'd pick them up again." He was quiet for a moment, before marking the page he was on and closing the book. "Maybe you should try reading them again."

He held the book loosely in his hand and offered it to Jeff. The blonde took it and flipped through the pages. He blinked as he settled on a random page and tried to focus on the words, but they were too fuzzy and unclear to make out. He knew they would be. He loved reading; or at least he had, until it had become too hard. The words were blurry, all jumbling together in a big mess and it made his eyes hurt. Jeff sighed and handed back the book. "Maybe one day."

Nick nodded and bit his lip. Jeff knew he wanted to ask, but he was glad when he didn't. He yawned as Nick put the book down on the coffee table.

"Still tired?"

Jeff nodded. "I shouldn't be. I need to be out doing… something."

The brunette frowned. "Like what?"

Leaning against the couch more heavily than he realised, Jeff replied, "Earning money. So I can make sure Sebastian's okay. And I need to talk to Trent about what's going to happen on Friday; if I'm performing or not, because I don't think anyone's going to want to see me dance when my face is this fucked up."

He wasn't sure why he hadn't shut up yet. Nick didn't need, nor _want_, to hear any of this, he was sure. Finally he just snapped his jaw shut and fell silent. Nick was quiet for a long while too, not looking at him, until eventually he glanced up and Jeff bit his lip at the expression on his face – he was clearly struggling with something.

"I don't… I don't really want you to be doing… that… but I get that that's what you do," he started unsurely "I won't try to stop you or anything, but… you can't right now. You're still trying to heal. You've got bruises all over you, and you must still be in pain. You can't do anything until you're better. And you… you were…" Nick trailed off, hesitating over whether to continue. Jeff raised an eyebrow, wondering what he was going to say. His heart thudded to the bottom of his stomach when the brunette finally did finish speaking. "You were raped… you shouldn't go back to… _working_… not when…"

Nick shut up, staring down at his lap. Jeff's jaw dropped as he stood there, horrified. Nick knew. He hadn't realised Nick _knew_. The doctors must have told him. How much had they said? How much did _they_ even know? And now Nick was sitting there looking all sorry and worried, and all Jeff wanted to do was die from the shame.

"How…"

"Doctor told me," Nick confirmed quietly "I'm sorry. It's not fair…"

"Don't," Jeff warned "Don't say it. I don't want to hear it. I don't… I don't want to hear anything about it."

Nick nodded. The blonde stared at him a moment longer before turning and walking towards Nick's room, now glad that he had somewhere he could go to get away and be alone. But before he reached the door, the brunette's voice called out.

"Jeff?"

"What?"

"I feel like I should tell you…" A pause. "I know it wasn't the first time."

The blonde felt hollow. It had only happened twice. How could he have known about the first attack? Slowly the pieces fell into place – he'd overdosed afterwards, called Nick, gone to the hospital… he must have found out there. Stupid fucking doctors. Couldn't they keep their mouths shut?

"I just felt like I should say… considering you reacted like that. I didn't mean to keep it from you."

"I know. I'm going to sleep."

"Okay. You know you can talk to me if you want?" His voice was hopeful.

"Good night."

"Night." The hopefulness was gone, replaced with reluctant acceptance.

Jeff shut the door behind him and collapsed onto Nick's bed. He crawled under the blanket, grabbed a pillow and crushed it to his chest as his body shook with painful sobs. It wasn't fair. For one minute he'd thought Nick was being nice to him because he cared. Now it was obvious why he'd invited him to stay. He'd felt sorry for the poor, pathetic, _raped_ hooker. He _pitied_ him. And Jeff hated it.

* * *

><p>Nick was jolted awake at some ungodly hour by an agonised, awful scream.<p>

He reacted before even thinking. In the space of about three seconds, Nick had scrambled from his sleeping place on the couch and stumbled towards the source of the noise, almost falling through the bedroom door just as Jeff screamed again.

Nick stared in shock. The blonde was crying in his sleep, twisting and fighting, shouting incoherently. Quickly, Nick ran to the bed and tried to shake him awake, but he realised it was probably the worst thing he could have done as Jeff bolted upright, eyes wide, his next scream seemingly lodged in his throat. He blinked, registering Nick, and shouted, "Get the fuck away from me!"

Nick backed away in the corner by the door, as far from Jeff as he could get to give him space. The blonde curled in on himself, sobbing, coughing harshly as he muttered to himself too quietly for Nick to hear. Within a few minutes, Jeff had collapsed onto his side, the sobs subsiding though his chest still heaved every few breaths. Nick swallowed, wondering if he should go back over to him. He wanted to help Jeff, but he had no idea what he was doing. He didn't want to make anything worse, especially when the other was in such a state. But it seemed his subconscious had more control over him than he would have liked, because before he quite knew what he was doing, he was walking over to the bed. Carefully, so as not to scare Jeff, he crawled onto the bed and sat down next to him, legs crossed.

"Jeff?" he whispered.

"I-I don't… I don't want them to hurt me…" Jeff curled up into a tighter ball, hands on the back of his head to hide himself further.

Gently, Nick rested one hand on the blonde's shoulder. Jeff flinched under his touch and whimpered, but didn't fight it.

"I won't let them," the brunette said "I promise I won't let anyone else hurt you. You're safe now. I'll keep you safe."

With a small whine, Jeff lifted his head and in the space of a breath, shifted himself so he lay with most of his upper body in Nick's lap. His legs were pulled up and twisted in the blanket, and his head rested on Nick's arm and thigh. The brunette stared at him for a moment, confused at the sudden change, but went along with it and with his free hand, brushed Jeff's fringe from his closed eyes.

The silence carried on as Nick absently played with Jeff's hair and Jeff tried to nestle closer to him. And then, out of the blue, the blonde said in a hoarse voice, "I like this."

Nick wasn't so sure he'd actually meant to say anything at all. But he smiled and continued twisting Jeff's hair around his fingers, running his hand through it lightly, sweeping loose strands away from his bruised face. "Me too. Are you feeling any better?"

"M'okay."

Nick took a deep breath. "I meant what I said. I won't let anyone hurt you anymore."

Jeff opened his eyes and with a sigh of what Nick suspected was slight reluctance, sat up. "Will you kiss me?" he asked.

The brunette frowned. "What?"

"Kiss me."

"Why?" It didn't make a whole lot of sense. But Jeff fixed him with a watery-eyed look and asked, "Please?"

For a moment Nick didn't move, struck by the request. But then he leaned forward slowly until their lips met. The kiss was soft; Jeff tasted like salt and Nick could feel where his lip was healing from being split in that brutal attack. Jeff pressed a hand lightly into Nick's stomach and coaxed him to lie down so he could straddle the brunette's waist and use both hands to support himself. They never broke apart, mouths moving almost in sync, Jeff's opening up to Nick's tongue, letting the brunette's hands wander over his back. Breaking off for the merest second for breath, Nick gently flipped them over, trying not to hurt Jeff any more than he already was before returning to the kiss. Jeff's hands gripped the other's waist and didn't move. It took Nick reaching back and tugging on his wrist encouragingly for him to get the idea and start exploring along the brunette's back. He slid his hands under the other's shirt and sighed at the warm skin and shifting muscles under his fingers. His tongue delved into Nick's mouth and he gasped as the man's hands threaded through his hair and tugged lightly.

But then Nick pulled back, breathing heavily and staring down at Jeff with dark eyes. Jeff blinked, still a little dazed.

"It's late. You should sleep." Nick removed himself from all over Jeff and swung his legs over the edge of the bed to get up. But a hand fisted in his shirt stopped him.

"Stay?"

He looked back with a small smile. "Yeah."

The brunette grabbed the blanket and draped it over the man now lying on his side, facing away from him, then burrowed under it himself and loosely rested his arm around Jeff, keeping a little bit of distance.

"Is this okay?" he asked. His answer was Jeff shifting backwards until they were flush against each other and sighing in sleepy contentment as he entwined their legs. With a smile, Nick settled down and held the blonde a little tighter. He'd stopped kissing Jeff because it was clear he wasn't in his right mind and was still upset, and he was worried that if they'd continued he might have hurt the blonde. Now, comfortably tangled up in each other, Nick was happy to lay there and make sure the man he knew he loved was safe from his nightmares.

"Good night."

"Night," Jeff yawned.

Nick forced himself to stay awake until he was sure Jeff was asleep.

* * *

><p><strong>... This wasn't supposed to happen. There was going to be snuggling, but not for another chapter or two. And there wasn't supposed to be any kissing either. But they refused to listen to me. They're too in love.<strong>

**I really do hope you liked this chapter :) I'll try to get the next one out soon, but I do have homework and my other fics to do as well. We'll just have to see! Thank you all for being amazing people - I love you all to bits :D**


	18. Breathe

**Hey everyone! **

**I'm so sorry for how long it's taken to get this up. There's a number of reasons I haven't update before now - work, study (which I've now finished until next year), my original stories, as well as just plain old writer's block. But hopefully I'm back for good now! I just want to say thanks to everyone who's supported me and stuck by me while I wasn't writing, and also to everyone who's reviewed (210 reviews as of this update! All you reviewers are awesome and brilliant and a thousand other great things :D). A shout out to Destiny as well, my biggest fan! Carbon65, thank you for all your suggestions. Some of them I already had in mind, while some I hadn't really thought much about. **

**By the way, when I say Jeff wears 'cut-off jeans', what do you guys think I mean? I'm just curious because I realised you might not be thinking what I am. I was thinking half-length/three quarter length - they've just had the end 'cut off' - but you guys might be thinking shorts. It doesn't matter either way, I'm just curious :)**

**On with the long-awaited chapter!**

* * *

><p>Nick mumbled under his breath, shifting slightly as he began to wake. The first thing that really penetrated his foggy consciousness was that he was incredibly comfortable. He was half under, half out of the blanket, just the right amount so he wasn't too hot or too cold. There was something warm and solid pressed against his chest – someone; whose legs were tangled with his, whose hair was soft against his cheek. Nick didn't want to open his eyes, especially when the previous night filtered back into his thoughts and he realised who was asleep in his arms. If he kept his eyes closed he could pretend that the man whose chest was rising slowly under his hand, who kept trying to push himself further into the brunette's body, was actually in love with him and they were together; that none of the bad stuff had ever happened and they were perfectly happy.<p>

Nick tightened his grip just a little, his palm splaying out over Jeff's chest and rubbing down to his stomach and back up again slowly. Gently, he pressed a kiss on the back of the blonde's neck, sighing to himself. He shouldn't. It wasn't right. Jeff had been upset last night and that was why they were snuggling. Nick was sure that when Jeff woke up, he'd be mortified at what had happened and there was a good chance he'd go back to his own home. He didn't want to lose the blonde just yet, so Nick figured the smart thing to do would get out of the situation before Jeff woke up.

It took a little while to convince himself that getting up really was the best thing to do, but finally he swayed his subconscious and carefully he began to extract himself from Jeff's determined yet apparently unintentional attempts to keep him close. He had to work one arm out from underneath the other's body and winced as feeling announced its painful return. He disentangled his legs from Jeff's and with a final kiss to the man's cheek, Nick slipped out of bed.

Quietly he padded out to the kitchen and put on some coffee, wondering what he was going to do today. He was supposed to be working all day – he glanced at the clock and realised he started in an hour and a half. But he didn't feel right going to work and leaving Jeff on his own. He was still healing – he'd barely even started the process. With a sigh, Nick left the coffee maker to do its job and wandered towards the bathroom for a quick shower, slipping back into his room quickly to grab some clothes. He bit his lip as he glanced at Jeff, still asleep and now curled up in a loose ball. He seemed fairly content but the fading bruises on his face were something Nick couldn't look past. And he'd basically taken advantage of him last night. Jeff had asked him to kiss him, but Nick knew he should have said no. He wasn't in the right frame of mind to be asking that sort of thing.

Although, he couldn't help but think that out of all the times he'd kissed Jeff, last night had been the best. Sure, making out with the blonde at Body Shots and in his car had been amazing, but last night had been something different. Gentle, careful - emotional. They hadn't done it because he was horny and Jeff was just doing his job. It had been more about exploring than anything else. And making Jeff feel safe. But how would the blonde react when he woke up?

It was something Nick was dreading.

* * *

><p>Warm. Peaceful. Light against his eyelids.<p>

Alone.

Jeff's thoughts were a little scrambled as he slowly woke up, going from his heavenly surroundings and wishing he could just sink into this bed and never return, to dropping back down to earth with the realisation that whilst sleeping in this bed was the most comfortable and perfect thing he'd ever experienced, he was also in it alone.

He opened his eyes and stared ahead, knowing that even if he twisted and looked over his shoulder, Nick wouldn't be there. He'd gone. _But of course he's gone_, Jeff thought. He had a life to live. He couldn't lounge around in bed all day, even if that was all Jeff wanted to do right now – relax in this soft-as-clouds bed with Nick's body entwined with his, wasting the day away. Maybe kissing. Maybe just sleeping. Jeff knew he shouldn't be thinking like that – he was _desperate_ – and he pushed the idea aside, though it lingered in the corners of his mind.

He'd probably scared him as well, Jeff figured. He was pretty sure he'd woken up from his nightmare screaming, then proceeded to cuddle up on Nick's lap and ask to kiss him, followed by snuggling. _Nick's probably confused and freaked out by the whole thing_. Jeff sighed and closed his eyes again as the memories of his nightmare returned to him; but he quickly realised that was a bad idea. In the relative darkness of his world now, all Jeff could see was a replay of his terrible dream. Sebastian lay sprawled in front of him, eyes cold and lifeless, his bare torso a mass of sticky red. The man who'd first assaulted him, his face only shadows, knelt by the brunette's body and chuckled as he traced his fingers over Sebastian's jaw. Randal advanced on Jeff, punched him in the mouth before tying his hands.

Jeff quickly blinked and rolled over onto his back to stare up at the ceiling, his chest tight and heart racing. It took a moment for it to calm down and as he lay there, Jeff heard the sound of the shower and it clicked that Nick was still in the house. He hadn't gone anywhere. Yet. Just as he managed to get himself back under control the noise vanished and it was another few minutes before he heard footsteps walking past the room. Once they were gone Jeff sat up and ran a hand through his hair, pushing it out of his eyes. It was only now that he realised he'd fallen asleep in his cut-offs and wifebeater, after he'd gotten up last night and found out Nick knew all about his attacks. With that thought came another – Nick had left him not because he was freaked out by Jeff's advances, but by the fact he was _dirty_. He'd let not one, but two people have their way with him and Nick thought he was disgusting because of that. It made sense.

Jeff rubbed at his eyes furiously as tears began to build up. He needed to stop being so pathetic. It was obvious that Nick didn't want anything to do with him – not like that – and that he was just helping him because he felt sorry for him. The only thing that had changed since they'd first met was that now Jeff realised he didn't care if Nick pitied him – as long as he could stay close to him.

With a sigh of irritation, Jeff clambered out of bed slowly, pain shooting along his limbs as they protested the movement after so long asleep. He hoped Nick had some seriously strong pain killers. He made his way to the door and after looking up and down the hall, headed for the kitchen where he could hear movement. There was nothing he could do about how Nick thought of him, and if the guy was still going to be nice enough to let him stay, then he was going to take full advantage of that.

He walked in to see Nick pouring himself a coffee and shoving a few pieces of bread into the toaster. The brunette looked up when he heard the other enter and smiled. Jeff was taken aback for a moment by how genuine the smile was.

"Hungry?"

"Y-Yeah…"

"What did you want?"

"Whatever…"

Nick stuck a few more bread slices into the toaster and pressed the lever down. Then he set about making a coffee for Jeff, asking how he wanted it. The blonde was struck by how normal a conversation this was. It was as if nothing at all had happened last night. Once they were settled down at the kitchen table with their drinks though, the silence stretched on and they both stared down at their hands, not sure what to say. Finally Jeff summoned the courage to speak.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to freak you out last night."

Nick's head jerked up and the expression on his face looked like surprise. "You didn't. I mean, I was a little scared for you when you were… well, screaming, but you didn't freak me out or anything."

"I shouldn't have asked you to kiss me," Jeff mumbled.

"Jeff, it's okay. You were afraid. I understand."

The blonde frowned slightly at the sad smile on the other's face, but didn't read too far into it. Instead, he dropped his gaze back down to the table and mumbled, "What are you doing today?"

"Nothing."

Jeff had to look back up, frowning again. Nick looked nonchalant about the whole thing and it didn't make a whole lot of sense. "What, don't you have a life?"

"I'm supposed to work today but I'm going to call them once I've eaten and tell them I'm not coming in," Nick replied.

"Why?"

"I've got more important things to be thinking about." The brunette shrugged and drank another mouthful of his coffee. Jeff blinked. He really shouldn't assume Nick was talking about _him_, but the way he was looking at him made it seem more than likely.

"You have to work. I'll be fine on my own," he said, not sure why the other was prepared to ditch his job to hang around him. Nick shook his head. "I'll stay here with you."

"No, you should go," Jeff shot back quickly "I'm sure you need the money, right? And I'll be okay. You know I won't steal anything; you've left me here before. And…" A sudden thought occurred to him and it all started to make sense. "You think I'm going to do something to myself."

Nick bit his lip and looked away. "I don't know. I'm… worried about you. I mean, last time, you… well, you almost died."

"I didn't try to kill myself," Jeff snapped, then quietened as the brunette flinched. "Sorry. But I didn't. I don't know why I was that stupid, but I wasn't trying to die or anything."

"Okay," Nick said "But I'm still worried about you. I don't feel right leaving you alone."

The conversation was interrupted by the toast popping up and Nick got up to attend to it. Jeff stared down at the table as the silence stretched on. He couldn't have Nick neglecting his normal life for him. He had better things to do than babysit his sorry ass. He jumped as a plate was put down in front of him and he glanced up at Nick. The brunette smiled as he sat back down at the table and began to eat.

"I'll go see Sebastian then. I won't be alone and I'll be in a hospital. I doubt much can go wrong," Jeff offered. He needed to see his friend, to find out more about the tests the doctor had wanted to do. And it meant Nick could work. There'd be no guilt, no worrying and everyone would get what they wanted. Nick looked up at him, clearly thinking as he chewed on his toast. After swallowing, he nodded. "Okay. That sounds good. I have to be at work in about an hour – you'll be ready before then?"

Jeff nodded, taking a bite of his own breakfast. A quick shower before pulling on the only clothes he had would take a mere fifteen minutes or so, once he finished eating.

"I guess that's sorted then," Nick said, returning his focus to his food once again.

Twenty minutes later and Jeff emerged from the bathroom in the same clothes he'd slept in, the only difference being a cleaner body, wet hair and a couple of the pain killers Nick had given him.

"Ready?" Nick called from the hallway.

"Coming," Jeff called back as he headed towards the voice. He found Nick at the front door, keys in hand. As soon as the other laid eyes on him, he frowned.

"What?" Jeff asked, not liking the way Nick was looking at him.

"You slept in those."

"Yeah…" The blonde tugged on his wifebeater self-consciously "I don't… I don't have any other clothes."

Nick bit his lip, looking him up and down for a moment. Then he nodded. "Come on."

He slipped past Jeff and took hold of his arm, pulling him behind him. The blonde winced as dull pain jumped up his shoulder at the tugging – the pills hadn't taken full effect yet – but he let Nick lead him back to his room. He stopped in the doorway as Nick rummaged around in drawers. Before he knew it, something was being thrown at him and he barely managed to catch it in time.

"They might be a little small, but they should be okay for today," Nick said as Jeff stared at the jeans and t-shirt in his hands. With a smile, Nick pulled Jeff further into the room and stepped outside.

"Don't be too long." He shut the door, leaving Jeff in the room alone and slightly confused. Nick was lending him his clothes? Could he _be_ any nicer to him? Shaking his head, Jeff decided not to argue – the clothes he had on really needed to be washed, plus Nick had to get to work and he didn't want to make him late. He quickly stripped off and pulled on the just-too-short jeans and surprisingly-large t-shirt. Within a minute he was back at the front door and this time when he saw him approach, Nick smiled.

"Great. You ready?"

Jeff nodded and followed the brunette out to the car.

The ride to the hospital was a quiet one and once they arrived, Jeff quickly jumped out of the car. He started towards the entrance doors but a shout from Nick made him stop and look back.

"I finish at six-thirty," he said, leaning out of the window "I'll pick you up then. Call me sometime during the day, so I know you're okay?"

Jeff nodded with a small smile. "See you at six thirty."

As soon as Nick had left, the blonde made his way inside, letting the woman at the front desk know he wanted to visit Sebastian. She let him go through with a warm smile, reminding him of the room number. Jeff was a little surprised by her friendliness but figured it was just her job to treat him well.

When he reached his friend's room he saw the door was ajar and he could hear quiet voices. Poking his head inside the room, he smiled when he saw who was talking with Sebastian.

"Jeff," Sebastian caught sight of him and Trent turned to face the newcomer. He gave Jeff a weak smile – he looked absolutely exhausted and Jeff was immediately concerned for him.

"Are you okay?" he asked, stepping inside the room. Trent nodded and swept Jeff up in a tight hug.

"I'm fine. I'm more worried about you. How are you doing?" he asked, still holding onto his shoulders when he released him from the hug "I didn't realise you'd been discharged."

"Yeah, yesterday," Jeff replied "I'm okay. Seb? What about you?"

The brunette in the hospital bed shrugged. "I agreed to the tests. They did them yesterday after you left, but it'll take a few days before they tell me anything."

"You'll be fine," Trent said reassuringly "You both will."

"But when?" Sebastian huffed "I need to be out there working, not lying here. If that asshole hadn't stabbed me…" He sighed and rolled his eyes. Jeff shook his head. "You need to relax and stop worrying. You _were_ stabbed and you need to get better. I'll take care of everything."

Sebastian eyed him carefully. "You shouldn't really be working, Jeff. You were hurt worse than me."

"You almost bled out and died. I think you're worse off," Jeff shot back "I think I can handle myself. I'm sure I can cover up my face well enough – Trent, do you want me there on Friday?"

Trent patted his shoulder. "We'll talk business some other time. Right now I just want to make sure you're both absolutely okay."

Jeff smiled and moved to sit on the edge of Sebastian's bed. "I'm fine, Trent." The injured brunette echoed him and their boss sighed, shaking his head.

"I don't know how you two manage to get into so much trouble all the time. You need to be more careful."

"We're as careful as we can be," Sebastian said. Jeff nodded. "You don't need to keep worrying about us. We're fine."

"Someone needs to be worrying about you, for your own sakes." Trent folded his arms across his chest. "Now, Sebastian, you were telling me about the tests?"

* * *

><p>"So what's up with you?"<p>

Nick glanced over at Dean as he wiped the table down. "What are you talking about?"

Dean stacked the dirty plates at the end of the table and laughed. "Are you kidding? You're so distracted. Something's going on with you, so spill."

Nick sighed. He had been distracted today – ever since he'd left Jeff at the hospital he'd been worried about the blonde, and it had been affecting his work. He'd already dropped a plate, messed up three orders and generally annoyed the crap out of his boss. Added to the fact he'd already missed work earlier in the week and only given the barest of explanations – he wouldn't be surprised if he found himself fired by the end of the day.

He forgot Dean had asked him something, and jumped when his friend tapped his shoulder.

"Seriously, what's going on?"

Nick shook his head. "I'm fine. Everything's fine."

Dean frowned. "I just want to make sure you're okay, man. I mean, you are my friend and you're acting weird. Are you sure-"

"Will you shut up?" the brunette snapped. Dean shrank back, confused, and Nick ran a hand through his hair. He hadn't meant to scare his friend. "I'm sorry. I just really don't want to talk about it, okay?"

The other nodded. "Okay. If you don't want to talk about it, we'll talk about something else. You missed photography on Monday, so you didn't hear the news."

"What news?"

"Miss C said we're having an exhibition of sorts next Monday instead of a class, to show off all the work we've done so far this year." Dean smiled, looking excited. Nick tried to show enthusiasm to make his friend feel better but he wasn't sure it was coming across well. After the week he'd just had, he didn't really want to be doing anything social – he'd be at home or at the hospital with Jeff right now if he could. He didn't want to leave him alone. He was thinking about cancelling his usual Saturday gig with the guys and skipping his classes for the rest of the week. He could always catch up later – schoolwork would always be there, whereas Jeff potentially wouldn't be. But he tried to smile for Dean anyway. He'd just treated him like shit and it wasn't fair on him.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, it starts at six-thirty. Miss C said we can bring along a plus one if we like, but I think I'll just go on my own."

Nick's smile was genuine when he replied, "What about that girl you had your eye on? What was her name? Jane? Josie?"

"Jenna," Dean shot back, then glared at his friend. "Shut up. I'm not going to ask her. She doesn't like me."

"You don't know that until you ask," Nick teased "You should go for it. Besides, who doesn't find photography sexy?"

Dean screwed up his nose in annoyance. "You're an asshole."

* * *

><p>Nick didn't end up leaving at six-thirty like he'd hoped – his boss had wanted to have a long chat with him about his behaviour and his lack of presence at work. But at least when he'd finally been let out he still had a job, and Nick was grateful for that. It was past seven when he finally made it to the hospital to pick up Jeff, and the blonde was sat on the front steps arguing with someone familiar. Nick bit his lip at the sight of Trent – the last time he'd seen him they'd fought about Jeff. Trent didn't think he was good for him and while Nick didn't think he was the perfect person to be looking after Jeff by any means, he was doing his best and he would never hurt him, no matter what Trent thought.<p>

He pulled up beside them and opened the door in time to hear Jeff say, "Look, I'm going, okay? Do you want me at the club on Friday or not?" He sounded angry and stressed, running a hand through his hair. Trent huffed. "You can show up if you want, but you'll only be dancing."

Jeff rolled his eyes. "You do realise I'm still going to be working, at least the streets if not the club."

"I can't stop you from doing whatever you want to do outside the club," Trent said "But the second you step foot inside, you follow my rules and that means you stick to the stage."

"Whatever," Jeff tossed over his shoulder as he got to his feet and walked towards the car. Nick stood beside the car waiting, not wanting to get involved. This was between Jeff and Trent. He locked eyes with the club owner and saw anger there.

"You're staying with him." It wasn't a question.

"Yes, I fucking am, Trent." Jeff glared at him "Okay? Because I don't want to be alone at my place. Not that it's any of your fucking business."

He got into the car and Nick followed suit, not taking his eyes off Trent until he was in his seat. Quickly he pulled away from the steps and the hospital itself, leaving Trent behind.

When they were out on the road, Nick risked a glance over at Jeff. The blonde was hunched over in his seat, arms wrapped around his stomach, shoulders heavy and muscles tense.

"Are you okay?" Nick asked hesitantly. Jeff made a sound of annoyance. "Why the hell does everyone have to keep asking me that? It's all I fucking got from Trent today, asking me if I was okay, and Sebastian telling me I was worse off than him, when he's the one who was stabbed and he's the one having the tests and he's probably gonna fucking die or something, and my head is killing me and everything just really fucking hurts."  
>Nick swallowed hard. "We'll be home in a sec. You can have some painkillers and a rest."<p>

It didn't take long before Nick was pulling into his driveway. Jeff hauled himself out of the car and as much as Nick wanted to help him – he looked ready to fall over with exhaustion – he didn't think any offers of assistance would be taken well at the moment. He let Jeff make his own way to the front door and once they were inside, he told the blonde to get to bed and he'd grab the pain killers. He waited until Jeff had done as he'd said before heading to the bathroom to pick up the pill bottle. His next stop was the kitchen for a glass of water before he ended up outside his bedroom. Gently he knocked on the door, only opening it when he got a quiet call that he could come in.

Jeff was sat on top of the blanket, knees to his chest and arms around them. He looked up when Nick walked in and took the offered pills and water, swallowing them quickly. Then, with a sigh, he lowered his head back to his knees.

"Thanks," he said quietly.

"If the pain's still bad in an hour, I'll give you some more," Nick said, standing at the end of the bed awkwardly. He turned to leave but Jeff's voice stopped him.

"Sorry for snapping at you. It wasn't your fault."

Nick smiled. "It's fine. You should try to get some sleep – your body's still trying to heal and it needs all the rest it can get."

"Whatever you say, doc," Jeff replied sarcastically, but Nick caught a glimpse of an amused smirk and he laughed. "See you in the morning."

Jeff winced as he stood up. Nick quickly looked away and left the room as Jeff unbuttoned his jeans and pushed them down his legs to kick them off. He shut the door behind him and sighed. Jeff clearly wasn't okay if his outburst was anything to go by. But he couldn't expect him to keep everything together after what had happened to him. He remembered the previous night and Jeff's nightmare, and he knew there would be a long way to go before Jeff was completely stable again. It didn't help that his friend was still in the hospital, apparently having tests done for whatever reason, and another seemed to be making things hard for him as well. Nick forced down the bubbling anger in his chest when he thought of Trent. He knew the guy was only trying to help Jeff, but at the moment Jeff needed support and time to get over his assault – not someone judging him and stressing him out. It made him mad that Trent thought he was just playing with Jeff and his currently-fragile emotions, and that he would eventually get bored and just throw him away. The guy didn't understand how he felt. Nick wasn't sure anyone could. It sounded cliché, but he wasn't sure anyone could ever understand what it felt like to love someone with the desperation that he did; someone he couldn't have but would do absolutely anything for. Or how it felt to watch that person go through so much pain and not be able to do anything to help them. All Nick wanted to do was make all the bad things go away; protect Jeff from the world and everyone in it. He wanted to hold Jeff and kiss him and tell him he was worth something, that he didn't deserve anything that had happened to him, that he could be loved, that he _was_ loved. He was special and beautiful and _perfect_. And Trent just _didn't_ understand that feeling. He couldn't.

He pushed himself away from the door and settled down on the couch with his book. He hoped Jeff wouldn't have another nightmare – both for the blonde's sanity and for the fact he didn't want to again face the question of staying with him if he asked. He knew the answer should be no, but who was he to refuse if Jeff needed someone to comfort him?

He buried his head in his book, breathing in deeply and inhaling the scent of the old pages. He needed to relax and calm down. But it wasn't really working and he groaned, leaving the book resting on his face. He was exhausted and it didn't take long before he passed out.

* * *

><p>Jeff grabbed the edge of the bed to steady himself as he bent down to pick up the jeans he'd just tugged off. He folded them carefully, as well as the t-shirt – they weren't his, after all. He pulled on his old wifebeater, wincing as his muscles protested. He'd been doing too much today, despite being sat down most of the time and not actually moving a whole lot. Jeff crawled into bed and made a half-hearted attempt to cover himself with the blanket, giving up once it was around his hips. He buried himself amongst the pillows, breathing in the familiar and comforting smell of Nick. He tried not to think about his fight with Trent but it was hanging at the edge of his mind and keeping him awake.<p>

Trent had just kept asking over and over if he was really okay, and he'd just gotten fed up with the constant questioning – especially when the answer he was giving was the truth. He was okay. He wasn't a picture of mental health and he knew he was probably going to have more nightmares as soon as he fell asleep, but he was doing okay. As long as he kept taking the pain killers and he didn't think too much about what had happened, he was coping. Trent just didn't seem to get that and finally Jeff had snapped, telling him to shut the fuck up. And then he'd given him shit over staying with Nick. It wasn't like Trent had made staying with him an attractive option – let alone even made it an option. At least Nick had asked. Nick wanted him – for whatever reasons. Jeff sighed. He knew Nick had only asked him to stay because he was worried and felt sorry for him, but the longer he spent curled up in Nick's bed, the less he cared about why.

It still hurt a little to think about the fact Nick had left before he'd woken up that morning, but Jeff knew he had no one to blame but himself. He'd freaked him out, even if Nick said he hadn't, and he more than likely thought he was disgusting because of what had happened to him. Because of what Randal had done. The very thought made him shiver and he hugged a pillow tightly. He didn't want to let it get to him, but every so often it would sneak back into his head, just when he thought he was safe, and tormented him all over again. He could almost feel the man's hands on him again, light and gentle on his thigh, across his hips.

Jeff violently kicked the blanket away from him, sitting upright and gasping at the pain he'd caused himself. The pain killers hadn't had much of a chance to work and his chest felt tight. Jeff tried to breathe deeply and regain control of himself, but his hands were shaking and his legs felt heavy – he couldn't move properly, couldn't breathe. He felt like he was in a bad dream, one of those awful ones where you try to run from something and you just can't move fast enough; he was stuck in quicksand and drowning fast.

_Jeff, calm down, come on, calm down,_ he thought, desperately trying to get his body to work properly. _You're safe, Nick's right outside the room, he promised he'd keep you safe, just fucking breathe, no one can hurt you right now, he won't let anyone hurt you._

Slowly his lungs began to cooperate and his breathing evened out. He crossed his legs and leant his elbows heavily on his knees, head in his hands and gripping his hair so tightly it stung. His heart was still beating fast and hard against his ribs but he forced himself to fill his head with something that wasn't what had scared him – Nick coming to his aid during his nightmare, staying with him, running his hands through his hair, telling him he'd make sure he was safe, kissing him.

He finally started to relax properly, but it was a long time before he lay down again and longer still before he dropped off into an uneasy, but painless sleep.

* * *

><p>Only a few hours passed after Nick fell asleep before he was woken suddenly. He jumped in surprise, knocking the book off his face and onto the floor. He sat up quickly and blinked, not sure what had jolted him awake. He couldn't hear anything; the whole place was dark and still around him. He grabbed his phone from his pocket and checked the time. Ten thirty at night.<p>

It was then that Nick heard the faint sound of someone trying to vomit and his heart thudded; his first thought was _Jeff_. He scrambled to his feet and headed straight for the bathroom, the sound getting louder as he approached. Pushing open the door, Nick paused for a split-second to assess the scene.

Jeff was curled up around the toilet in his wifebeater and boxers, sweaty and shaking, his face screwed up as he tried to keep his hair out of his eyes. Nick was by his side in an instant and gently he reached out to brush Jeff's fringe aside. The blonde jerked away from his touch in surprise and stared at him for a moment.

"Sorry," he croaked "I didn't mean to wake you up."

"It's fine," Nick hurried to reassure him "Are you feeling okay? Or do you still need to throw up?"

"I think…" Jeff started but didn't get the chance to finish. He pulled himself back over the toilet and his whole body heaved as he vomited. Not a lot came up. The blonde dropped back down to the floor, barely holding himself up, breathing heavily and tears forming in his eyes.

"It just… everything _hurts_," he moaned, banging his head down on the toilet seat. His voice was muffled when he spoke again, but Nick understood. "You should… go. You don't wanna see this…"

"Come here," the brunette said firmly, grabbing the other's shoulders and dragging him towards him. Jeff didn't protest too much, letting Nick move him around until he was leaning limply against him, head on his chest. He relaxed under his touch, Nick's hand carding through his hair comfortingly and the other firmly around his waist to hold him steady.

"How long have you felt sick?" the brunette asked. Beneath him, Jeff shrugged. "I didn't. Not 'til I woke up needing to throw up."

"Did you eat anything weird today?" Nick frowned. Something had to have caused it. Jeff shook his head before admitting quietly, "I didn't really eat anything today… except breakfast."  
><em><br>And that was probably only because I made it_, Nick thought. "Well, that's why. You've hardly eaten, plus you've had some of those pain killers. You can't have them on an empty stomach and now they've made you sick."

"I need some more," Jeff mumbled into the brunette's chest "It hurts…"

"I can't give you anymore; they'll just make you worse. Do you still feel like throwing up?"

The blonde shook his head feebly. With a sigh, Nick said, "Let me get you some water and then I'll help you back to bed. You can't sit on the floor all night."

It took a little while for him to find the willpower to extricate himself from Jeff, considering he now had his arms wrapped loosely around him, but finally Nick forced himself to get up and grab a glass of water. Jeff rinsed his mouth out with half of the water and gulped the rest down, his hands still shaking a little. Then, carefully, Nick dragged the blonde up to his feet and helped him down the hall back to the bedroom. Every step hurt – Jeff was wincing, tearing up, breathing a little faster. Nick couldn't imagine the pain he was in. He'd been beaten black and blue and the strain of vomiting would only have made things worse. When they finally made it, Nick lowered Jeff gently onto the bed, draping the blanket over him. He swept aside his fringe, frowning at how hot his skin was, but couldn't hold back a small smile as Jeff leaned into his hand, nudging at his fingers like a cat.

He got up to leave and as soon as he'd moved an inch, Jeff mumbled, "Don't…"

"Okay." He sat back down on the floor beside the blonde's head. A hand grabbed at his arm and tried to pull him up. "Stay here."

"I don't want to make things weird tomorrow," Nick tried to explain "I'll stay here with you, okay? Go to sleep."

"It hurts."

He could hear the pain Jeff was trying to keep out of his voice. He almost relented but told himself off firmly in his head. He'd already said no. And as much as Jeff wanted to now, it would be awkward for him in the morning, Nick was sure. Instead of crawling into bed with him, Nick ran his hand through the blonde's hair lightly, playing with it the way he'd done last night. Jeff sighed and nestled closer to him. His muscles were still clearly tense and all Nick wanted to do was get rid of the pain for him, but he couldn't risk giving him more pills when he was still feeling queasy. All he could do was comfort Jeff until he relaxed. Eventually he did, and it wasn't long after that that exhaustion took over him and he dropped off to sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>See you next chapter! I hope you enjoyed :)<strong>


	19. Okay

**Hi y'all!**

**If you follow me on Tumblr, you may have seen my posts about getting this done. For some reason I kept getting stuck, but now it's finally ready and I hope you're all ready too! **

**I'm doing NaNo again this year, but I'm not aiming for the 50,000 exactly. I'm just trying to get my novel from last November finished, so we'll see how that goes. Hopefully I'll be able to get another chapter of this up relatively soon.**

* * *

><p>Jeff woke with a groan – his whole body felt heavy and pain shot along his limbs as he twisted from his back onto his side. The pale sunlight filtering into the room hurt his eyes and he kept them closed until he felt it was safe. Slowly he blinked them open, squinting a little but adjusting fairly quickly. The aftertaste of vomit still lingered in his mouth and he wanted to wash it out, but moving was asking too much of his battered body at the moment. With a sigh, he nuzzled his head deeper into the pillows, starting to close his eyes again when he noticed the person lying on the floor next to the bed.<p>

Nick was stretched out across the floor on his back, one arm resting above his head and the other by his side. His head was down by Jeff's feet and he was snoring lightly, shifting a little every few moments with a frown. Jeff smiled – he remembered Nick saying he'd stay with him the previous night, but he hadn't expected him to still be there in the morning. It didn't look particularly comfortable on the floor either, so quietly Jeff said, "Nick?" When he didn't move, Jeff spoke a little louder. This time Nick blinked and lifted his arm to shield his sleepy eyes from the light.

"Jeff?" he said hoarsely.

"Yeah," he replied "Why are you on the floor?"

Nick frowned and sat up slowly, looking around at where he'd been sleeping and then back up at the blonde. "That's… a good question. Why _am_ I on the floor?"

Jeff chuckled. "I don't know. I figured you were going to go back to bed after… I was sick."

Comprehension dawned on Nick's face. "That's right, you were sick. I guess I fell asleep here." He smiled, running a hand through his messy hair. He looked down at himself and sighed. "Crap, I'm still in my work clothes. I didn't even realise." Then, with a shake of his head, he returned his gaze to Jeff and asked, "Are you feeling any better?"

The blonde shrugged, which wasn't a brilliant idea he realised a moment later as his body protested against the movement. He said quietly, "I don't feel sick. Everything still hurts though." Nick nodded and pulled himself to his feet. "You think you can stomach some food? I can give you some more painkillers but you need to eat something as well or you'll just be sick again."

"Yeah, I think so," Jeff replied, brushing his fringe out of his eyes.

"Okay, give me a sec and I'll get you something," Nick smiled and ducked out of the room. He pulled the door up behind him but didn't close it, so Jeff could hear him walking through the house and working in the kitchen. The blonde dropped his head back down on the pillow and tried to work up the courage to sit up – he knew he'd have to if he was going to eat. It took a while before he could even psych himself up to roll onto his back, and even longer before he could force himself to attempt to get remotely upright. Every muscle in his body was on fire as he pushed himself up and he'd only just made it to a sitting position when Nick came back, carrying a plate and a glass of water, the bottle of pills tucked under his arm. He tried to smile but the pain must have showed on his face because Nick immediately looked worried. He put everything down on the bedside table quickly and sat on the edge of the bed. "Are you alright?"

Jeff nodded. "I'm fine. I just need the pills."

He twisted to grab the plate but winced as pain shot up his side. Nick reached out and handed it to him. Quietly Jeff munched on his toast as Nick shifted a little further down the bed, occasionally glancing up at him but mostly staring at his lap. It was hard to swallow but Jeff made himself finish, the thought of pain relief keeping him going. When he'd forced the last mouthful down, Nick beat him to it and handed him the water and a few pills. They were gone in a second and Jeff sighed. Nick gave him a small smile.

"So what's your plan for today?" Jeff asked. He knew Nick would still be worried about leaving him on his own but there was no way he was going to be moving around much today. The brunette shrugged. "I've got classes from twelve, but I don't really want you to be on your own when you're sick."

"I don't feel sick anymore," Jeff reassured him. Nick raised an eyebrow. "You're still not _better_ though. You're still hurting."

"The painkillers will kick in soon enough. I'll be fine, Nick. Go to class." As much as he liked the idea of Nick hanging around with him, he didn't want the guy to abandon his life for him. He had better things to be doing.

Nick sighed, a small forced smile on his face. "I suppose I should go shower then."

* * *

><p>The pills were starting to take effect by the time Nick poked his head around the door at quarter to twelve. Jeff could move his limbs without too much difficulty, but getting out of bed was a slightly different matter. He wasn't sure his legs would support his weight quite yet.<p>

"You'll be okay?" Nick asked. Jeff rolled his eyes, somewhat amused. "Yeah, I'll be fine. You should go, or you'll be late."

Nick nodded. "Alright. I'll be back around five." But he didn't sound so sure of himself. It was clear he was still doubting whether to go at all. Jeff grabbed his phone from the bedside table and held it up. "I'll call sometime during the day, okay?"

The brunette visibly relaxed. "Okay. I'll see you later."

Jeff wasn't convinced he was leaving until he heard the front door shut and the car engine fade away in the distance. It was only then that he sighed and shook his head. Nick was weird. Cute, but weird.

When he felt like he could stand he pulled himself to his feet. He was still shaky, but determined to actually do something to help around the place. Nick wasn't asking for anything and Jeff knew he wouldn't be expecting anything in return for letting him stay, but he'd be damned if he just lay around all day and took up the guy's time. He had to least do _something_ for him.

For an hour he tidied things up around the place, putting things away where he could and stopping every few minutes as his body protested the amount of movement. Eventually he collapsed on the couch, sighing. As much as he wanted to help out more, Nick was right – his body was still trying to heal and it needed a break.

He hadn't meant to drift off, but he realised he had when he was startled awake by the sound of the front door being opened. He pushed himself up into a sitting position and grabbed his phone. If Nick was home, then he'd forgotten to call like he'd promised and he'd probably worried him. But Jeff frowned as the clock on his phone told him it was only three – another two hours before Nick was supposed to be back. Unless he'd come home early?

"Hey, Nick?" An unfamiliar voice called out. The blonde was blinked, starting to panic. One of Nick's friends was here and he was slumped on the couch in his _boxers_. He couldn't be seen like this – he couldn't be seen, period. He struggled to his feet, clenching his jaw against the ache, but before he could get anywhere the mystery visitor walked into the living room .

Jeff stared at him. He was tall, blonde, broad-shouldered - he recognised him as the one who hung around Trent at the club. The guy who'd been with Nick at the bar when Jeff had snuck in. And now he was here, smiling a little nervously at him but not looking particularly shocked to find a stranger in his friend's house.

"Uh, hey. I was looking for Nick…"

Jeff swallowed, wondering if this guy recognised him. He'd been at the club more times than he cared to count, but Trent had never introduced them and they'd never spoken. He wasn't even sure they'd ever made eye contact before now. His heart thudded against his ribs and he tried to calm himself. The guy was always absorbed in Trent – he wouldn't know him. Surely.

He realised that Nick's friend was probably waiting for some sort of answer, so he managed to spit out, "He's not here."

"I figured," the guy said, rubbing the back of his neck. He looked at the ground and Jeff frowned. He wasn't acting like he'd just walked in on some half-dressed stranger in his friend's house. He wasn't surprised at all.

"I guess I'll just… go, then." The other looked up at him for a brief moment and smiled awkwardly.

"You're not surprised?" He didn't know why he didn't just let it go, but it was bothering him. This wasn't exactly a normal response.

Nick's friend blinked in confusion. "Um… what?"

Jeff gestured to himself. "You just walked into a friend's house and found some stranger, and you're not surprised?"

"Uh… I guess…"

"No you're not."

The guy sighed and shrugged. "No, not really. I told him you weren't stupid."

Jeff frowned. "What?"

"Nick gave me his key and asked me to check on you. See if you were okay."

Jeff stared for a moment. While it was kind of sweet that Nick wanted to make sure he was okay, it was also a little insulting. He'd said he'd be fine. Shouldn't that have been enough?

"Look, I'm sorry," the other blonde said "I agreed to do it because if I didn't, Nick and Trent probably would have had nervous breakdowns. They're worried about you – " He stopped abruptly, panic setting in his eyes. "I mean, I… I saw Trent a while ago… he knows I know Nick… uh…"

Jeff shook his head. "I know you and Trent have a thing."

"Oh." He was quiet for a moment, then tried stuttering out, "I-It's not really a _thing_, it's…

He fell silent again and Jeff gave him a small, sad smile. The more he tried to deny it, the more obvious it was. Trent was lucky. Lucky to have this guy, and lucky to be able to have him. Jeff quashed that thought before the bitterness could take hold and said, "You can tell both of them that I'm fine."

"You don't look fine." The guy looked embarrassed as soon as the words were out of his mouth and started to apologise, but Jeff stopped him. "No, I probably don't. But I am okay. They don't have to worry about me."

He gave himself a quick onceover. The bruises around his wrists and the hand marks on his arms were still fairly clear and it would be a few more days before they cleared up, but he knew the bruises on his face and torso and the split in his lip were almost gone. He was grateful for that. It meant it would be easier to hide what had happened to him come Friday night. And who knew? Maybe the marks on his arms would work in his favour. Maybe there were guys who liked the idea of him clearly getting pushed around and owned.

"Okay then." Jeff looked up as the other spoke. "I guess I'll go then. Maybe I'll see you sometime."

Jeff nodded and just as the guy turned to leave, he said, "I don't actually know your name."

The blonde looked surprised. "Oh. Cameron."

Finally he could put a name to the face. Jeff tried to smile a little. "Jeff. Though I guess you knew that."

"Yeah…" Cameron bit his lip awkwardly, then huffed out a breath. "Okay. See you later."

Jeff said a quiet good bye as Cameron left the room. He waited until he heard the door close before leaning heavily on the arm of the couch, shaking his head. He was surprised that Nick had gone so far as to have one of his friends check up on him. He'd figured everything was alright – he'd said he was fine – but apparently Nick didn't trust him.

Jeff picked up his phone and quickly found Nick's number. He'd promised to call – and he certainly had something to say.

The call connected after only a few rings.

"_Jeff? Is everything okay?"_

"I'm fine," Jeff replied "Just wanted to let you know that Cameron came over."

"_Oh,_" Nick sounded surprised, but he knew the truth "_What did he want?_"

"Nick, I know you sent him. Do you not trust me or something?" Jeff asked, wrapping an arm around his stomach. He was starting to get hungry and he knew if he wanted any more pain medication, he was going to have to eat something.

"_I'm sorry,_" Nick said, and his apologetic tone sounded genuine "_I just wanted to be sure. It's not that I don't trust you..._"

"Well, what is it then?" Jeff asked "I told you I was okay. That should have been enough."

"_Jeff, you went through some pretty bad stuff – _"

"I know what I went through, Nick!" He didn't mean to raise his voice but now that he had he didn't lower it as he continued "It's a bit hard to forget! I've still got his fucking hands imprinted on my skin! But I'm okay, I'm doing okay. I just need you to believe that, alright?"

Nick's voice was quiet when he replied. "_Okay. I believe you._"

Jeff sucked in a deep breath and for a moment he felt calm. Nick believed him. He trusted his judgement. He was okay. But then the realisation of what he'd just done crashed on him and panic started twisting in his gut. He'd just yelled at Nick – the one guy who'd cared about him, who'd asked him to stay, who'd been there for him after the nightmare, after being sick. Who'd done what he asked and stayed with him, kissed him, when he'd been vulnerable and needed him.

"_Jeff?_" Nick asked, clearly concerned when he didn't say anything.

"I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have shouted," Jeff stammered "That was… I'm sorry. You've been so good and I-I just yelled at you – "

"_Hey, calm down, it's okay_," Nick reassured him "_It's probably good to get angry._"

"I'm sorry." He didn't know what else to say.

"_Don't be_," Nick said "_Are you okay right now? Do you want me to come home?_"

Jeff took a deep breath. He was still shaky, his body hurt, he was hungry and he could feel the cold shadows at the back of his mind that threatened a nightmare if he closed his eyes, but he was alright. He could cope.

"No. I'm fine."

"_Okay…_" Nick didn't sound totally convinced but he accepted the answer "_I'll be home in a couple of hours. Call me if you need me._"

Jeff agreed and hung up with a quick good bye. He stared at the phone in his shaking hand, then blinked and shook himself off. He'd go find himself an apple or something, take some pills and not go to sleep.

It was a plan.

* * *

><p>By the time Nick got home, he'd worked himself into a silent panic over Jeff. He hadn't been at all convinced that Jeff was okay, but if he needed someone to believe him, then he'd try. And he had tried. But within ten minutes of Jeff hanging up, Nick was ready to drive back home and make sure for himself that the blonde was alright. Somehow he managed to keep control of himself and made himself sit through the rest of his classes, though he was so absorbed in his thoughts about Jeff that he barely heard a thing. As soon as his last class was over, Nick dashed out the door and to his car, hoping that he'd made the right decision. He wanted to help Jeff as best he could, but maybe what he wanted and what he needed were two completely separate things. Maybe he needed someone there to look out for him.<p>

Or maybe he was just overreacting and Jeff was perfectly fine.

Nick pulled up outside his house and was at the door in seconds. He tried to calm himself down before he walked in, but his heart was still racing as he called out, "Jeff? I'm home."

He didn't get a reply. Quickly he checked out the house, his chest constricting more and more until finally he found him – sat on the floor of the kitchen, knees to his chest, breathing heavily and certainly _not_ okay.

"Jeff?" Nick dropped to his knees in front of the blonde, not sure whether touching him was a good idea at the moment. Jeff looked up from his knees, eyes wide, and gasped, "Nick…"

The look in his eyes was enough. Nick put his hands on the blonde's shoulders and forced him to keep eye contact. Jeff grabbed his wrists and held on tightly.

"Just breathe, Jeff," he said "You're okay. Breathe."

He breathed slowly for him, keeping a firm grip on his shoulders until Jeff followed his lead and started to match his pace, slowly relaxing and the panic seeping away from his face. After a few minutes he let go of the brunette's wrists and ran his hands through his hair, trembling.

"Better?" Nick asked quietly.

Jeff nodded slowly. Nick rubbed gentle circles on Jeff's shoulders with his thumbs to try and calm him down some more, but neither of them said anything else for a long while – not until the blonde's shaking had subsided and the shudder left his breathing.

"I'm alright," he said in a low voice, closing his eyes for a moment then blinking hard.

"What happened?" Nick reached up with one hand and brushed aside the blonde's fringe – Jeff didn't even flinch. He tilted his head into the touch, huffing out a sigh.

"I came back in here for something… I don't... it…" Jeff sat up straighter, leaning away from Nick's hand and shaking himself off "I was just thinking too much."

Nick bit his lip – he wanted to help, but there wasn't much he could do. He got to his feet and held out a hand. "Come on. You can't sit on the floor all day."

Jeff flicked his gaze from the offered hand to Nick's face for a second, looking for something. Whether he found it or not, the brunette didn't know, but Jeff reached up and grabbed his hand, letting himself be pulled up from the floor. Nick led him to the living room and settled him on one end of the couch, sitting himself down on the other end. Jeff wrapped his arms around his stomach, his eyes continually looking up at the other before returning to his feet.

"Jeff, if you need anything, all you have to do is say," Nick said. He wasn't really sure what he was supposed to say in this situation – was he supposed to say anything at all? But he felt that reminding Jeff that he could ask for anything was a good place to start.

The blonde glanced up at him and tried to smile, but it wasn't fooling Nick. "I'm okay."

"I don't just mean now," he said "Any time. If you ever need anything at all, I'll be there. I'll do it. You just have to tell me."

The look Jeff gave him was long and his eyes were full of a tangle of confusion and sadness, and Nick didn't understand any of it. Finally the blonde spoke. "I know. And I'm sorry I yelled at you before."

"I told you, it's okay. It's probably good to get some anger out," Nick smiled "How about I make us something to eat?"

He started to get up but Jeff's voice stopped him. "I'm not hungry. But… thank you."

"Have you had any pills?"

The blonde nodded. "Just after I called you. I ate something then."

Nick regarded him for a moment then nodded. "Okay. Is there anything you want at all, or do you need some space?"

"No," Jeff replied a little too quickly, then ducked his head "I don't want… space."

Nick understood what he was trying to ask. He wanted the opposite of space – he wanted him to stay close by. He nodded and opened his mouth to say something, but was beaten to it by Jeff stumbling over his own words. "I – just… uh…"

"Yeah?"

Jeff stared at him for a long moment, clearly debating whether or not to continue. Eventually he lowered his gaze and said quietly, with a strong echo of shame in his voice, "I just don't want to go to sleep. I don't want to see anything… bad."

Nick shifted a little closer and put a comforting hand on the blonde's arm. "That's okay. I'll put the TV on. Maybe that'll distract you a bit."

He reached for the remote and clicked it on, flipping through the channels until he found one showing reruns of Star Trek. He caught sight of Jeff trying not to smile and he glanced over, curious.

"You like Star Trek?" the blonde asked when he realised he'd been spotted.

Nick shrugged. "Yeah. Most of the series', anyway. There are some that aren't as great in my opinion."

Jeff's smile widened. "Lord of the Rings. Star Trek. You're a real nerd."

Nick laughed. "You could say that. Is that a bad thing?"

The blonde shook his head, biting his lip and looking away, still with a smile on his face. "No."

With a smile of his own, Nick replied, "Good."

* * *

><p><em>He could smell his rancid breath, feel his fingers digging painfully into his arms, and he just wanted to be sick. His breath caught in his throat as the man above him let go of one arm and instead wound his fingers in his hair, tugging on it sharply.<em>

_"Say it."_

_The voice sent shivers through his whole body and he gagged on the words. He couldn't do it. Even as his hair was pulled more, nails dug into his arm, he couldn't force the words out this time._

_"Say it."_

_"I-I…" he coughed out, unable to do much more, tears of pain dripping down his cheeks. His whole body felt like it was getting ripped apart and he was just waiting for it to happen. Then everything would be over._

_"Say it!"_

_"Jeff?"_

_The new voice was familiar but he couldn't see any face but_ his_. He almost stopped breathing as the man looming over him started to fade and the other voice sounded again._

_"Jeff, come on. I promised I'd keep you safe, remember? You're safe. No one can hurt you."_

_The man continued to fade and the pain dulled, letting Jeff breathe. The nausea started to pass – until another face started to come into view in _his_ place. For a moment his heartbeat quickened but then it all came into focus and his body relaxed instantly. Nick smiled down at him and brushed the hair from his face. Slowly he leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead – but Jeff, hands now free, reached up and grabbed him, moving his head to kiss him properly. It was a desperate move, but the longer he kissed him, the more he calmed down and the more his remaining pain slipped away. Nick broke away for a moment and smiled. He spoke again but his mouth didn't move and Jeff stared at him in confusion._

"_Jeff? Come on, wake up."_

With a rush of tingles up his spine, Jeff opened his eyes and found himself staring at Nick again – except this time the room was dark and the brunette was looking down at him with worry in his eyes. It took Jeff a moment to adjust after the dream, his thoughts racing.

"Are you okay?" Nick asked, standing up straighter. Jeff looked him up and down for a moment – he was standing beside the bed, one hand on his shoulder, in an old t-shirt and boxers. He swallowed hard and returned his gaze to his face. He realised he was supposed to answer that question and stuttered, "Y-Yeah."

Nick relaxed a little, but Jeff could see he was still tense. "I thought you weren't going to wake up for a second there."  
><em><br>I'm not sure I wanted to_, Jeff thought, but cleared his throat and sat up. "It was just… just a dream." _A dream. Remember that. It didn't happen.  
><em>  
>"What do you want me to do?" Nick asked quietly. Jeff locked eyes with him for a moment and he was tempted to say, <em>stay here and kiss me til I lose my fucking mind<em>. He opened his mouth and almost said 'stay', but as much as his heart – and his body – wanted Nick on top of him right that very second, his head told him that he couldn't put the brunette in that position. He'd done it once before and it had been a crap morning for both of them. So instead he said, "Go back to sleep. I'll be alright."

"Are you sure?"

Jeff nodded. Nick didn't move for a long moment, but then nodded in return and made his way to the door. He gave Jeff one last look before he left and closed the door and the blonde tried to smile in reassurance. He wasn't sure how well he pulled it off, but considering Nick left and didn't hesitate again, it couldn't have been that bad.

He fell back on the bed with a sigh, running his hands over his face and through his hair. His fingers itched for Nick's skin, and the tingles seemed to have made a permanent home in his spine. As much as he kept thinking to himself that it had only been a dream, that it hadn't actually happened, he couldn't deny that he _wanted _it to happen very much. His mind flashed back to all the other times he'd kissed Nick, from Body Shots to his car to this very room. Every single time he'd enjoyed it, and he still wasn't sure why.

_That's a lie_, Jeff thought, rolling his eyes at himself. He knew why. He just wasn't ready to actually admit it to himself. He'd spoken the words once but he'd pushed them back since then – he needed to forget and move on, not keep dreaming of something he couldn't have.

But as he slowly drifted back off to sleep, his fear kept coming to the forefront of his thoughts.

_What if I really do love Nick?_

* * *

><p>Jeff did everything possible to stay away from Nick all Friday – which was difficult, considering Nick didn't have any classes or work scheduled for the whole day. He hid in the bedroom all day and told the brunette he needed some time to himself, but he felt like crap as soon as he saw the hurt and sad look on the man's face. It wasn't his fault that Jeff was having problems dealing with his feelings. But around two o'clock Nick's boss called up and asked if he could come in. So Jeff had the house – and his confusing feelings – to himself for the rest of the day.<p>

He didn't know what to think any more. He'd already decided he wasn't capable of loving Nick, but the more he was around the man the more he felt hope beat in his chest. Maybe it was possible? He couldn't explain what he was feeling any other way – but as soon as he reached that conclusion he pushed it away. He'd rather not explain it at all than have the reason be that he was in love. He couldn't be. For a start, he wasn't exactly the most put-together of people. He was broken and worthless and used. Damaged goods. Whether he was capable of being in love didn't really matter. Nick didn't deserve any love he could give him – he should have so much better than that. And Jeff didn't deserve to have something that good in his life either. So he pushed the whole problem as far from his thoughts as he could. But he couldn't get rid of it completely, and as soon as Nick walked back through the front door after finishing his shift, it all came back and Jeff had to tell himself firmly, _I don't love him. I'm confused and I don't know what I'm thinking. I don't love Nick._

As darkness started to fall, Jeff knew he had to get ready for his night at Body Shots. He'd taken more painkillers than were probably good for him and he felt good. Numb and a little lightheaded, but without pain. He knew it was more than likely a bad idea, but he needed the money – Sebastian needed the money. And it was only dancing, after all. He could manage it.

He didn't want to tell Nick. He knew he'd just get a disappointed look from him and he didn't want to upset him any more than he already had. But he didn't have much of a choice, so quietly he searched out Nick in the living room; stretched out on the couch, his nose in Lord of the Rings.

"Uh, Nick?" Jeff said hesitantly.

Nick looked up immediately and bookmarked his place. "Yeah?" He gave a genuine smile and Jeff tried to return it.

"I, uh, I'm gonna go… to work." He bit his lip and shoved his hands deep in his pockets. Nick blinked and it took him a moment to register what the blonde meant. When it clicked he said, "Oh…" He trailed off for a few seconds, then put his book down and got to his feet.

"I'll drive you."

"What?" Jeff frowned.

"You shouldn't have to walk all the way there. I'll drive you." Nick spoke like it was the most normal thing in the world to him – driving a stripper to the club he worked at. Jeff opened his mouth to protest, but Nick had already picked up his keys and was walking towards the door. So, with a resigned shrug, he followed the brunette outside to the car.

The trip was short and silent and when Nick pulled up near Body Shots, Jeff got out quickly. Before he could go he heard Nick call to him and he looked back.

"You can call me when you're finished and I'll come pick you up," he said.

"Are you sure? It'll be really late."

Nick smiled. "Yeah, I'm sure."

"Uh, okay then." Jeff tried to smile. Apparently it was enough to placate Nick who nodded.

"Be careful, okay?"

"I will."

With a good bye, Nick pulled away and disappeared down the street. Jeff watched him go, not moving for a little while as he got lost in his thoughts. It was the second time Nick had told him to look after himself at the club but this time it gave him butterflies. He tried to stamp out the feeling but it wasn't really working. His stomach still felt fluttery as he made his way around the back of the club and headed inside.

Every few steps he was accosted by some of the other dancers at Body Shots. They'd all heard that something had happened and wanted to know if he was okay. Jeff was acutely aware of the fact some of his bruises were still visible and answered their questions as quickly as possible. He needed to find Trent and find out what was going on – with Sebastian not performing, they needed to change things up.

He found him fairly easily – he was shouting at one of the newer dancers, though Jeff couldn't tell what he'd done wrong. As soon as he saw Jeff, Trent told the new guy to get back to work and walked over to him.

"How are you?" he asked and Jeff rolled his eyes.

"Don't," he said "You know I'm fine. We need to talk about what I'm doing tonight."

Trent nodded, though he clearly wanted to ask more questions. "You're right. I had two songs in mind for you for tonight - I don't want you doing too much. You feel up to Hands All Over?"

Jeff decided not to comment on the fact he was only doing two performances – he wasn't sure how long the numb feeling from the painkillers was going to last and he was happy to keep the dances to a minimum. "I'm sure I can modify it for one singer. When do you want me on?"

"After Zane. But I was thinking about getting Adam to dance with you tonight," Trent said, then turned and shouted across the room, "Adam! Over here!"

Within seconds the good-looking blonde was by Trent's side, a smirk on his face. "What's up, boss?"

Trent rolled his eyes at the nickname and Jeff smiled. Adam had been at the club almost as long as Sebastian. He was friends with everyone, always smiling, and a huge flirt. He had always called Trent 'boss' – and Trent had always hated it.

"You've seen Jeff and Sebastian dance Hands All Over, haven't you?"

Adam nodded. "'Course. Why?"

"Do you think you could take over Sebastian's part?"

The guy looked a little confused. "You know I can't sing, boss –"

"I know." Trent waved his hand dismissively "I just want you to dance. Are you up for it?"

Adam shrugged. "Yeah, I can do it."

"Good. Both you, get ready."

He patted Jeff on the shoulder and gave him a worried smile before walking off to check on some of his other employees. Adam grinned broadly at Jeff and said,

"Well, I guess we better get to it. You sure you're right to go on though? You look like crap."

Jeff smiled and nodded. Adam had never been good at tact. "I'm fine."

It didn't take long for Jeff to get changed. When he returned, decked out in his leather pants and a black sleeveless jacket, he caught up again with Adam. The man, barely dressed in skin-tight pants, smiled at him as he approached, but Jeff could see it fade a little when he looked over the bruises on his arms. He'd done the best he could at covering them up but they were still more visible than he would have liked.

"Trent wants us on in a few," Adam said, speaking a little louder over the music playing for the other dancers "But first, a question – is there anywhere I'm not allowed to put my hands? Those bruises look pretty bad."

Jeff glanced down at them for a moment and shrugged. "Just don't grab me and we'll be fine."

At that moment Trent spotted them as he came through from the main floor. He walked over quickly and looked the pair up and down.

"You two ready? I'll push Zane back until after you if you're ready to go on."

The pair nodded. Trent patted Adam on the back. "Great. I'll get the song set up."

With that he left the two to themselves. A few seconds later, the previous song ended and the two dancers out on the stage made their way back, passing Jeff and Adam. The older man glanced over at Jeff and smiled. Jeff looked over and frowned at the look on his face, confused – until he felt Adam grabbing his ass. He jumped and pushed the guy away, and Adam just laughed.

With a roll of his eyes and a slight smile, Jeff said in a mock warning tone, "I said no grabbing."

"Oh, is that what you said?" the man asked innocently.

Jeff opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by Trent introducing them. When the music started it was like a switch was flipped in his head – Jeff disappeared to the background and Syxe came out to play. He winked at Adam and said, "Just follow my lead and you'll be fine."

He strutted out onto the stage to the joy of the audience and began singing, sliding one hand into his hair.

_Put your hands all over  
>Put your hands all over me<br>Put your hands all over  
>Put your hands all over me<em>

When he reached the middle of the stage he knew Adam would be right behind him in a moment, so he fixed his gaze on one person in the watching crowd – a random man, close enough to the stage to sing to. He smirked at him and locked eyes, moving close to the edge of the stage to let him reach out and touch. Others took the opportunity to see how high up his leg they could reach but Jeff kept enough distance between himself and them to make sure anything above the knee was difficult.

_I can't seem to find the pretty little face I left behind  
>Wandered out on the open road<br>Looking for a better place to call home  
>Gave her a place to stay and she got up and ran away<br>Well now I've had enough  
>Her pretty little face has torn me up<em>

He felt Adam put a hand on his shoulder and he moved back away from the edge, letting the man run his hands down his arms. He leaned back against him, swaying his hips, though he was a little put off by the fact it wasn't Sebastian behind him. He was used to pushing back on his friend's lithe frame and Adam's strong, broader build was strange and different. But he focused on the song and the movements he had to make – hips, shoulders, hands, feet.

_Put your hands all over me  
>Please talk to me, talk to me<br>Tell me everything is gonna be alright  
>Put your hands all over me<br>Please walk with me, walk with me now  
>Love is a game you say<br>Play me and put me away_

_Put your hands all over me  
>Oooh oh<em>

Jeff could tell Adam was being gentle with him – whenever he'd done the song with Sebastian, the fingers around his wrists would be tight, some of his moves sharp and quick. He'd get thrown around a little. The last time they'd done it, Sebastian had tied the blonde's hands loosely behind his back and the audience had loved it. But Adam was keeping his touches light, letting Jeff dominate the dance instead of the usual reverse. He was grateful for that – he didn't really think he was up to getting pushed and pulled around at the moment.

_Now you've lost your mind  
>The pretty little girl I left behind<br>And now you're getting rough  
>But everybody knows you're not that tough<em>

_Wandered out on the open road  
>Looking for a place to call your own<br>Scared to death of the road ahead  
>Pretty little thing, don't get upset<em>

While his hands may have been gentle, Jeff realised quickly that Adam was much less reserved than Sebastian concerning where those hands were going. He was a little surprised when he felt the man run his hand up the inside of his thigh; then they both moved to Jeff's hips and pulled him back against his own with more force than his previous actions had had. But it seemed the men watching were enjoying it, so Jeff tried to return his focus to the lyrics and ignore what Adam was doing.

_Put your hands all over me  
>Please talk to me, talk to me<br>Tell me everything is gonna be alright  
>Put your hands all over me<br>Please walk with me, walk with me now  
>Love is a game you say<br>Play me and put me away  
>Love is a game you say<br>Play me and put me away  
>Put your hands all over me<br>Ooh Ooh  
>Put your hands all over me<br>Yeah, yeah  
>Put your hands all over me<br>All over me_

_So come down off your cloud  
>Say it now say it loud<br>Get up in my face  
>Pretty little girl come make my day<em>

Adam ran his hands over the blonde's shoulders, pulling off the jacket and tossing it behind him. Jeff rolled his hips back, looking out over the audience but only searching for one face in particular. He knew he wouldn't find it, but he couldn't help but remember when Nick had come to Body Shots – when he'd watched him dance for the first time. He'd enjoyed performing that night more than usual, playing it up for Nick's benefit. But he wasn't here tonight.

_Put your hands all over me  
>Please talk to me, talk to me<br>Put your hands all over me  
>Now walk with me, walk with me now<br>Put your hands all over me  
>Gotta talk to me, talk to me<br>Put your hands all over me  
>Gotta walk with me, walk with me now<br>Love is a game you say  
>Play me and put me away<br>Love is a game you say  
>Play me and put me away<br>Put your hands all over me  
>Yeah<br>All over me_

_Put your hands, all over_  
><em>Put your hands all over me<em>

Once the song was over Jeff pulled away from Adam and smiled down at the men. Half of them called out for him to join them, naming prices, but Jeff just shook his head with a cheeky smirk and made his way off the stage. Adam followed behind, his trademark grin shining.

Jeff caught sight of Zane as they stepped off the stage. The younger brunette smiled and waved as he waited for the new music to start. Jeff returned the gesture.

"I think that went well," Adam commented, still grinning. Jeff glanced over at him. "I guess so. I, uh, I'm going to go find Trent."

He left Adam and headed off on his own, but instead of doing as he'd said, he slipped into the dressing room. Luckily there wasn't anyone there and Jeff dropped into a chair in front of one of the mirrors, sighing. He took a good look at himself in the mirror; at his made up eyes and the almost-hidden bruises. He looked like Syxe, dressed up and young, but he didn't feel like him anymore. He just felt tired. And scared. Tired and scared of everything. He hated feeling this way, especially when there was nothing he could do about some of the things scaring him – Sebastian, for one. He was recovering, but who knew what those tests would find? Maybe that doctor was right and there was something seriously wrong with him. Or maybe she'd just find that he hadn't eaten a decent meal in years and was on the wrong side of skinny, and worked too much and took too many drugs. Nothing they could fix.

And Nick. His feelings towards Nick still scared him. If he was in love with him (_which I absolutely cannot be_), then he was in far too deep and he needed to get out. Now. He needed to get out of the guy's house and go back to his own place, go back to work and forget as quickly as possible. But as much as he knew that staying at Nick's was a bad idea at the moment, he couldn't quite bring himself to make the decision to leave. He thought back to his nightmares, how Nick had been there for him and calmed him down. How he'd offered to do anything for Jeff, if he only asked. He was safe with Nick – he'd promised that. He was protected and comfortable and coping with what had happened. Did he really want to throw all that away when he wasn't even sure of what he was feeling?

He'd stay. At least for a little bit longer. Just until Sebastian was alright and he could come home and everything could go back to normal. It couldn't hurt, could it?

* * *

><p><strong>I hope it was worth the wait. Tell me what you thought!<strong>

**Song is Hands All Over by Maroon 5**


	20. Wake Up

**Sorry about the wait, guys. I had wanted this out before Christmas but unfortunately, due to problems with writing this and real life issues, that didn't happen. However, it's here now :) We're getting to the pointy end of things now - there's not much left to go. Hopefully I'll be able to get the next few chapters out quickly but I won't promise anything.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>Nick was as good as his word – when Jeff finished for the night and left with good byes to Trent, Adam and the other dancers, the brunette picked up the phone and was there to collect him outside the club in minutes. Jeff was grateful for the lift as all his muscles were aching after the exertion of dancing and he felt exhausted. He was also grateful for the fact Nick didn't talk to him much on the drive home – just a few questions like 'did everything go okay?' and 'are you alright?' – because the comfortable seat and gentle movement of the car was sending him to sleep. He wasn't even sure he answered the questions with any coherency. When they reached the house, Nick walked beside him to the door, keeping close and Jeff knew it was in case he fell – and he didn't mind. The last thing he felt like doing was repeating his experience of scraping up his knees. Nick got them inside quickly and locked the door afterwards as Jeff slowly made his way towards the bedroom. He guessed it was about three in the morning and all he wanted was sleep. Nick followed him but stopped in the doorway as the blonde collapsed on the bed.<p>

"I'll be out here if you need anything," he said softly and closed the door. Jeff welcomed the aloneness and rolled onto his back, grimacing at the ache that spread throughout his body. In the back of his mind he knew he should get up and change his clothes but he couldn't bring himself to even move, and so a few minutes later he dropped off to sleep.

* * *

><p>It was a strange feeling – somehow he knew subconsciously that none of this was real. He knew that he was dreaming and there was no reason to subject himself to this when he'd have to lose it all anyway when he woke. But Nick was kissing him, his hands were gentle but secure on his body, and Jeff decided he was prepared to deal with any emotional fallout in the morning.<p>

They were curled up in the corner of the couch, the sun casting its warmth and light over them. Jeff was comfortable in the brunette's lap and revelling in every second he could spend in this dream. He'd never felt so content in his life as he kissed Nick almost lazily and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. Nick smiled into the kiss and as one hand slid under the blonde's shirt to rest on his back, the other twisted in his hair and Jeff made a small sound of satisfaction. He could do this all day. Nick's hold on him was protective and warm and they were both happy and peaceful and Jeff _loved_ it.

Nick started to pull back and Jeff chased him, doing everything he could to keep the kiss going. But the brunette won out and Jeff looked at him with a touch of confusion and fear, breathless. He didn't want to lose this dream yet. Nick smiled and just raked his gaze over the blonde in front of him, an expression of wonder on his face.

"What?" Jeff asked quietly. Nick shook his head and leaned in to kiss him again. Jeff didn't resist and sunk back into his comfortable happiness easily, letting Nick put his hands wherever he liked, shivering when the brunette brushed across his chest under his shirt. He was relaxed and pliant, lost in his haze where doing this was okay and normal and a good thing. The feeling of Nick's fingertips grazing his skin, lips on his, was heaven and it didn't take much for him to forget that he was dreaming. He felt so safe and secure in the brunette's arms, like nothing could hurt him. He shifted a little closer to him and a thrill shot down his spine at how Nick gasped into his mouth. But even as he pressed his body against the brunette's, and enjoyed how those light touches were straying just below his waistband to trace over his hips, he felt no urge to do anything more. He was blissfully happy in this perfect fog of love and safety. But then Nick broke through again, pulling away and Jeff blinked dazedly.

"It's time to wake up, beautiful," Nick said softly, lifting his hands to caress the blonde's face. Jeff barely heard him, closing his eyes and mumbling, "What?"

"It's time to wake up."

Doing just that was a painful experience. Jeff opened his eyes suddenly and found himself lying on his back on the bed staring up at a blank ceiling, his heart pounding, the last vestiges of his happiness seeping away from him. In its place came pain of an emotional variety, and for a moment he held his breath in a vain attempt to conserve the last of the pleasure. But he couldn't stop it. His contented feeling vanished and he was left with just anger and sadness. He knew he should have tried to wake himself from the dream – he would have avoided all this heartache. But a small part of him was glad he'd kept dreaming. It was something to hold on to when he was in a reality where even desiring Nick was wrong. And there was no doubt about it – he desired Nick greatly. He wanted him. His thoughts back at the club came to him and he felt like kicking himself for thinking coming back to Nick's place couldn't hurt. It was hurting him a whole lot now, because he had to go out of the room and face the man in his dreams and pretend that he didn't want to hold him close, or sleep curled up in his arms, or kiss him so desperately, like the world was falling apart around them.

It took Jeff a long time to persuade himself to get up. For a long few moments he contemplated just staying in bed and attempting to go back to sleep, but then he realised how stupid and pathetic that sounded. He wanted to stay hidden away and dream of something he couldn't have, only hurting himself more every time he woke up? Eventually he would have to return to the real world and each dream of Nick would only make that harder. So, after debating with himself over the merits of destroying his heart in order to spend more time in something that didn't exist, Jeff forced himself to get off the bed and onto his feet. He groaned at the aching pain that hung in his heavy limbs but continued his efforts to get up properly. Glancing down, he realised he'd slept in his Bodyshots clothes and needed a change. Looking around for his bag, he found it on the chest of drawers – and on top of his bag were his cut-off jeans, folded and waiting for him. He staggered over and picked them up. He couldn't place the scent on them but it didn't matter; it was clear they'd been washed. He made a note to thank Nick for doing that for him.

It took him a lot longer to get dressed than it took him to convince himself to get up in the first place. He moved at an agonisingly slow pace, peeling off his black shorts and tugging on his cut-offs. He made another mental note to put some cash aside to buy himself a new pair of jeans. He'd had these ones for ages, cutting off the ends when they got too ratty and torn up. Once the knees had worn through and he'd had to chop them off just above, he'd known he'd have to get some new ones. And that had been months ago. He just hadn't had the time, the money or the inclination yet. Once he'd done them up Jeff gritted his teeth and hiked his wifebeater up over his head. As soon as it was off he shoved it into his bag roughly and it was only then that he realised he didn't have another shirt. His last spare had had to be (reluctantly) tossed out because it was so thin and threadbare that it hadn't made a difference whether he was wearing it or not. Now he was down to his wifebeater. If he was careful, it could last him another few months before breaking out in holes. But he'd just been wearing it for God knew how long, plus he'd slept in it. He needed something new to wear. Jeff's eyes drifted down to the chest of drawers his bag was laying on and a thought occurred to him. Hesitantly he opened one of the drawers he'd seen Nick going through when he'd let him borrow clothes. He grabbed the first shirt he saw and shut the drawer quickly. He stared at the piece of clothing in his hands. It couldn't hurt to ask, could it? He frowned and shook his head at himself at his choice of words – he'd said that about coming back to Nick's place, and look at him now. Sighing, he gripped the shirt tightly and turned for the door. He was starting to feel a little cold now and it wasn't as if he wasn't used to putting himself in situations where his dignity was basically nil. He could suck it up.

He opened the door and looked around. He couldn't see Nick anywhere and when he wandered out slowly into the living room, there was no sign of him. He hadn't heard any sounds while he'd been getting dressed that would indicate Nick was awake, so Jeff was confused as he headed towards the kitchen for a quick look.

It turned out it was the right place to look because Nick was sat at the kitchen table with his coffee, staring at his phone with a blank expression. Quietly Jeff cleared his throat and Nick looked up suddenly, blinking. It took him a moment, but eventually he smiled and said, "Hey. Good morning. You sleep okay?"

Jeff nodded with a slight smile and lifted up the shirt. He did his best to sound uncaring of the situation but he couldn't keep the slight tremble of shame out of his voice as he asked, "Uh, do you… mind? If I borrow this for today?"

Nick looked confused and Jeff started to backtrack, already apologising but the brunette stopped him. "Jeff, you can borrow whatever you like if you need it. You don't have to ask."

"Oh. Okay," Jeff replied, glad that was over with. He pulled the shirt over his head and dropped into a chair across from Nick, who said, "I uh, I guess I didn't say that. But yeah, if you want to borrow something, just go ahead."

Jeff nodded and they lapsed into silence for a minute. Now that the general awkwardness was over, the blonde had nothing left to focus on but the man across from him, who'd returned to staring at his phone – though far more intently this time. The feelings that bubbled up in his chest were both pleasant and unpleasant. He was happy to stare at Nick when he wasn't looking, take in that great jawline and perfect hair and gorgeous eyes, his muscled arms and big hands and what he knew was a great chest. But he didn't like that in the back of his mind all he could think about was that he couldn't have any of that. It wasn't his to want.

In an attempt to distract himself, Jeff asked, "What's so interesting?"

Nick looked up, confused. "What?"

"You're just staring at your phone."

"Oh," Nick said vaguely "I'm trying to decide whether to go to the gig tonight."

Jeff nodded, recalling that Nick and his friends played at one of the bars in town on Saturday nights. Then he frowned. "Why wouldn't you go?"

Nick shrugged. "I guess I just don't feel like it. Unless you want to go?"

Jeff tilted his head. He knew exactly what was going on. Nick didn't want to go to the bar because of him, and would only go if he went as well. For a few moments he had trouble getting himself under control – his heart hurt to know Nick cared about him that much and all he wanted to do was tell him how much he cared back. But the thought that he'd probably freak Nick out if he said anything brought him back down to earth and he made a vague sound of agreement. "If you want."

Nick raised his eyebrows. "You sure? Cam's going to be there this week."

Jeff shrugged and nodded. He didn't want to keep Nick from his friends. Cameron was nice enough, even if he was the only one of the brunette's friends to know who he really was, and Jeff was fine with spending a night in the man's company. "Yeah, I'll go."

Nick smiled. "Okay. I'll text Kurt and let him know."

The brunette returned his attention to his phone, tapping the screen quickly to send his message. Jeff just watched him, sighing internally. All his thoughts about staying at Nick's not hurting had gone out the window. As soon as he was able to return to his real work, he was out of here. He couldn't keep daydreaming about something he wasn't allowed to have and didn't deserve, so the quicker he got out of the situation the better. He just had to convince his subconscious to stop noticing how much he liked Nick's half-smile as he typed out another message.

* * *

><p>Nick stared at his phone, considering the text he'd just received.<p>

_I assume you're coming to the gig tonight? I know you've been going through some stuff lately so I thought I'd ask. _

He'd completely forgotten about performing at the bar. He'd been so caught up in what was going on with Jeff and the hospital and work that it had slipped his mind. Now he had to make a decision and he wasn't sure what to do. On the one hand, he didn't want to let the guys down. He'd already caused enough trouble over the past month or so, since Jeff had come into his life. But on the other hand, there was no way he was leaving Jeff on his own. He still wasn't well, judging by his recent behaviour. Nick was still confused about why Jeff had been avoiding him – he wasn't buying the excuse that he'd needed time to himself. None of his previous actions had matched with him wanting to be alone. He was avoiding him. And Nick didn't know why.

The brunette yawned. He hadn't slept until Jeff had called him and he'd gone to pick him up. It wasn't for lack of trying, but he just couldn't settle enough. He'd been worried the whole time that something bad might happen to the blonde and he'd only felt calm enough to sleep once Jeff was back at the house. He was tired out of his mind, which was just another reason he shouldn't go to the gig. But he just didn't want to face their disappointed faces when he saw them next. They all knew something was going on with him but he'd kept the secret of Jeff to himself. Only Cameron knew. If he was truly honest with himself, he was also a little afraid of what Kurt might do if he cancelled at the last minute.

He was distracted from his musing by the sound of someone clearing their throat. He looked up and saw Jeff in the doorway, dressed only in his cut-off jeans. Nick swallowed and did his best to keep his eyes from straying down the blonde's exposed body. He wasn't even entirely sure he sounded coherent when he saw good morning to him but he figured he did an okay job because Jeff didn't say anything about it. Instead, he looked awkward and when he asked if he could borrow the shirt that he was holding, Nick was surprised and it came out in his voice.

He did his best not to stare, but it was like he'd forgotten how attractive Jeff was. The blonde tugged the shirt over his head, muscles flexing under skin that Nick felt a burning desire to run his hands over. When he sat down, the brunette told him he could borrow whatever he liked from him, but his mind was somewhere else. To keep his mind out of the gutter he looked back down at his phone and the message he still had to answer. He succeeded for a little while – at least until Jeff asked what was so interesting about his phone.

"Oh. I'm trying to decide whether to go to the gig tonight," he said vaguely, alternating his gaze between the text and Jeff. As good as he looked in his street corner clothes or in those tight leather pants he'd seen him wear at the club, he looked twice as good in the brunette's clothes. He'd noticed somewhat the first time Jeff had worn his clothes but it had only been a passing thought. Now he couldn't get it out of his head. He blinked as Jeff asked why he wouldn't want to go and he replied with the first thing that came to mind – asking him to come too. Internally he berated himself – Cameron was coming, he probably didn't want to be out in a social situation, and he probably shouldn't be up and about. He was definitely doing better but that didn't mean he was fully healed from his injuries.

When Jeff tilted his head at the question and looked at him with a somewhat knowing expression, Nick had to cross his legs surreptitiously under the table. _God, I need to get laid. I'm acting like a fucking horny teenager. _He tried to think of anything that would calm him down, but for once nothing was coming to him. Then Jeff said, "If you want," in a low, faux-bored tone and it took all his strength not to groan out loud.

"You sure? Cam's going to be there this week." _Why am I prolonging this conversation? Just accept that he's going to come – ah fuck it, that was a bad choice of words. I need to get a fucking grip on myself. God, fuck, stop it. Stop thinking like that.  
><em>  
>"Yeah, I'll go."<p>

Nick smiled as best he could and said, "Okay. I'll text Kurt and let him know."

Relived to have something else to focus on he looked back down at his phone and tried not to shift in his seat. He texted Kurt back as quickly as he could.

_Yeah, I'll be there. Jeff's coming as well. _

_Well_, Nick's inner teenager drawled. _You could have worded that better._

_Shut up._

* * *

><p>The day passed far too slowly for Nick, who had to bury himself in Lord of the Rings and the reruns of Firefly that happened to be on that day in order to avoid thinking about Jeff. The blonde made it easier on him by returning to the bedroom and generally staying there as the hours ticked by. He came out to eat and take a few painkillers, but for the most part he kept to himself and Nick was glad for it. He had no idea where that sudden desire had come from but he wasn't willing to repeat the experience. The last thing he wanted to do was embarrass himself in front of Jeff.<p>

Eventually the evening came around and he was texted again by Kurt just as he got up to get ready.

_Forgot to ask. What were you planning on singing tonight?_

Nick bit his lip. He'd been thinking about it when he wasn't occupying his time with hobbits and space cowboys. It'd been hard – he'd trashed a lot of ideas – but he thought he'd found one that he could get away with. Because of course, it was about Jeff. But it was so loose that Nick figured there was no way anyone would realise. Quickly he texted Kurt back with the name of the song. A few seconds later he got the okay and shoved his phone in his pocket. _Let's hope I _can_ get away with this._

He headed towards the bedroom and knocked on the door. He heard a muffled call for him to come in and he did so, looking around the door. Jeff was sat on the end of the bed with his phone in his hand. The blonde looked up at him and gave him a half-smile. "Hey."

"Hey," Nick replied "Uh, we're going to have to go soon. If you want to borrow any clothes, you know where they are."

"Thanks," Jeff replied and after a nod, Nick left him to it. He didn't need to change so he slumped back down on the couch and picked up his book. It was only a few minutes later that he heard the bedroom door open and then close. He put the book down and got up, turning around to see Jeff. The blonde still had the same plain white t-shirt on, this one actually fitting him fairly well, but instead of the cut-offs he was wearing a pair of the brunette's dark jeans. These were one of his tighter pairs and he didn't miss that fact at all – he had a little trouble keeping his eyes where they should be.

"Is this okay?" Jeff asked, wrapping his arms around his stomach in a self-conscious gesture. Nick hurried to reassure him. "Of course. It's great."

"Really?" Jeff's eyes practically lit up before he looked down at the floor quickly and bit his lip. The brunette nodded. "Yeah. You look great."  
><em><br>Smoking hot is more like it_, Nick thought then forced it back. He couldn't be thinking like that. He cleared his throat. "Uh, shall we go then?"

Jeff nodded and after Nick grabbed his keys and wallet, they left for the bar. Both men kept quiet on the fairly short drive, Nick making sure he kept his eyes on the road and not on Jeff. He was tempted when from the corner of his eye he saw Jeff stretch out his legs a little but he clenched his jaw and fought it. Besides, he'd have plenty of time later to look at the blonde when they got to the bar.

_Not quite the argument I should be making_, Nick thought with a sigh to himself.

When they finally reached the bar Nick was out of the car in seconds. He tried to smile at Jeff as he got out as well and they made their way inside. In the semi-crowded room, Nick figured he could take the chance and snuck a quick look at the blonde's ass. _God, he looks good in those jeans. _

"Hey, Nick!"

He looked up quickly, hoping no one had noticed. He saw Blaine waving them over to the bar where he and Ivy were sat and he made his way towards him, aware that Jeff was following close behind.

"Good to see you again Jeff," Blaine said brightly, reaching out a hand. Jeff smiled and shook it. "You too. And you, Ivy."

The woman grinned and patted the blonde's shoulder. "It's great to see you," she said "Care for a drink? On me, of course."

Jeff nodded and sat beside her. "I couldn't turn down an offer like that."

Ivy laughed and gestured to the bartender. Nick smiled at how happy Jeff looked – and at ease. He seemed to be getting comfortable with his friends, which Nick couldn't deny was a good feeling. But then he was pulled from his thoughts by Blaine tapping his arm.

"The guys are almost finished setting up."

Nick nodded and reached out to touch Jeff's shoulder and get his attention. When the blonde turned to him, still smiling, Nick said, "I'll be back soon. Don't let Ivy get you drunk."

"I'm wounded, Nick." The redhead rolled her eyes. Nick chuckled and left the pair to themselves, following Blaine to where all the equipment had been set up. When they approached his friends all looked up and called out greetings.

"You look like shit," Cameron commented as he settled behind his drums. Nick shot him a look and replied, "I was up most of the night. Didn't get much sleep."

He only realised how that sounded when the blonde raised an eyebrow at him and smirked, snickering. Nick shook his head. "You wish, Cam."

"Yeah, we do," Thad said in a completely serious tone. Nick opened his mouth to retort but Blaine shoved his guitar into his hands and said, "Do you want to do the first song?"

"Yeah, alright." He grabbed the nearest stool and set it up in front of the mic. As he settled and waited for the others to finish getting ready, he cast his gaze out over the small crowd. He bit back a smile as he caught sight of Jeff, taking an offered drink from the bartender and smiling at something Ivy was telling him. He still felt a little guilty for asking Jeff to come with him but it was eased by how comfortable the blonde looked at the moment. Perhaps it hadn't been such a terrible idea.

His song choice, on the other hand, could go either way.

He glanced behind him to make sure everyone was ready to start, then pulled the microphone towards him. The sound of him clearing his throat quietened most people in the room and over the new stillness, Nick joked, "Hey everyone, it's good to be back. Hope you're not sick of us." He got a few laughs at that and smiles from Jeff and Ivy. With a well-practiced grin that covered his nervousness, he said, "I also hope you all like Maroon 5."

Carefully he positioned his guitar in his lap and placed his hands. At that moment, it was as if a calm feeling came over him – he couldn't think of anything else except the guitar in his hands and the song on his lips. He closed his eyes, focused, then opened them and began the song.

_You build me up  
>You knock me down<br>Provoke a smile  
>And make me frown<br>You are the queen of run-around  
>You know it's true<em>

_You chew me up  
>You spit me out<br>Enjoy the taste  
>I leave in your mouth<br>You look at me  
>I look at you<br>Neither of us know what to do_

Nick's smile was genuine as he enjoyed the flow of the song. He liked doing something more upbeat – the last few songs he'd done had been slow and somewhat sad. For a moment he was dragged back to when he'd sung last, a quiet Ed Sheeran song. He half-wished Jeff had been there, but the other half of him knew he never would have sung it if he'd been watching. It wouldn't have felt right and he probably would have hated it.

_There may not  
>Be another way to your heart<br>So I guess I'd better find a new way in  
>I shiver when I hear your name<br>I think about you but it's not the same  
>I won't be satisfied 'till I'm under your skin<em>

_Immobilized by the thought of you  
>Paralysed by the sight of you<br>Hypnotized by the words you say  
>Not true but I believe 'em anyway<em>

He couldn't think of anything that fit Jeff more perfectly. How often had he been struck by the sight of the blonde? How often had he lost time because he'd been thinking about him? And how often did Jeff say that everything was okay, that he was fine when he wasn't? But Nick had to believe him for Jeff's sake. If it made the blonde feel safe and secure, if it made him feel better, then Nick would do whatever was asked of him.

_So come to bed, it's getting late  
>There's no more time for us to waste<br>Remember how my body tastes  
>You feel your heart begin to race<em>

_There may not  
>Be another way to your heart<br>So I guess I'd better find a new way in  
>I shiver when I hear your name<br>I think about you but it's not the same  
>I won't be satisfied 'till I'm under your skin<em>

He looked up and caught sight of Jeff watching from the bar, smiling at him. As he sang, Nick thought back to when he'd first met the blonde. He thought of everything that had happened since then. There'd been so many low points – Jeff almost dying more than once, arguments and fights, almost losing a man in the backseat of his car – and there'd been points where he'd had no clue what to do. Ever since he'd stopped his car and threatened a couple of idiots with a beer bottle, he'd been thrown in the deep end. He never would have thought that he'd be sat here right now, looking across at that blonde and wishing desperately that something could happen between them. But here he was, and there was no doubt in his mind that he absolutely, entirely, goddamn loved Jeff Sterling. And he wouldn't change that for anything.

_Feel your heart begin to race!_

_There may not  
>Be another way to your heart<br>So I guess I'd better find a new way in  
>I shiver when I hear your name<br>I think about you but it's not the same  
>I won't be satisfied 'till I'm under your skin<em>

_There may not  
>Be another way to your heart<br>So I guess I'd better find a new way in  
>I shiver when I hear your name<br>I think about you but it's not the same  
>I won't be satisfied 'till I'm under your skin<em>

He finished the song to applause and he smiled at the crowd, acknowledging their praise. Then he stepped down and let Thad take his place, putting his guitar away. He locked eyes with Jeff and smiled at him, starting towards him but a hand on his arm stopped him.

"Can we talk for a minute?" Kurt asked. Nick frowned but nodded, letting the brunette lead him away to somewhere quieter.

It turned out that 'somewhere quieter' was the bathroom and as soon as the door had closed behind them, Kurt turned to Nick and blurted out, "So what's going on with you and Jeff?"

"What?" Nick asked, momentarily confused.

"I want to know if things are okay between you," Kurt said "You told me you were worried about telling him that you liked him, and then you practically disappear off the face of the Earth for days and then reappear with Jeff like nothing's happened. And don't think I didn't catch you checking him out when you came in."

Nick took a deep breath. He'd almost forgotten he'd gone to Kurt with his Jeff dilemma. And his timing hadn't been great – they'd talked just before Jeff and Sebastian had been attacked and left for dead. It made sense that his friend was worried about him considering how he'd acted this past week.

"Look, Kurt, everything's fine with me and Jeff. I just had some… things to deal with."

"I'm not an idiot," the smaller brunette said "I saw those bruises on his arms. Do these _things_ have anything to do with Jeff? Is he okay?"

Nick sighed. Kurt was too damn smart for his own good. "He's fine. Everything's okay."

Kurt eyed him with suspicion and Nick just hoped that he bought it. The last week was something that he really didn't want to share with Kurt. Especially since most of it didn't concern the man at all.

"Have you told him how you feel?"

"Do you really have to ask? He wouldn't be here if I'd said anything."

"Normally I'd accept that you know him better than I do," Kurt said "But I watched him the whole time you were singing and he couldn't take his eyes off you. The look in his eyes… I'd recognise it anywhere, Nick. It's how Blaine looks at me, and how Thad looks at Ivy."

"Kurt…"

"He's as into you as you are into him. Just tell him."

Nick shook his head. "You don't understand. There's… other circumstances. Besides, he doesn't feel the same. I'd know."

Kurt gave him a knowing smile. "That's what I thought when it came to Blaine," he said "And then he surprised me anyway."

"Well, not everything is like your little fairy tale," Nick huffed "I'm not going to say anything, and neither are you. Okay?"

"Wow," Kurt raised an eyebrow "Okay. But you have to realise that the longer you wait, the more chance you have of losing him. He won't be there forever."

The taller brunette rolled his eyes and turned away. He left Kurt behind him in the bathroom and made his way back out to the bar. Just as he got within view of Jeff he stopped and watched him for a moment. He was chatting with Ivy and Thad, who'd finished singing and had come over to keep his wife company. He glanced down at her as the three talked and Nick saw exactly what Kurt had been talking about. A gentle look, full of caring and love and happiness. He was blissful in Ivy's presence, and his vague smile showed it. Something sharp stabbed at Nick's chest and he swallowed hard. He would know. Jeff had never looked at him like that. There was no way that he felt anything towards Nick besides friendship. Kurt was wrong.

Shaking himself off, he walked over to the bar and slid into a seat next to Jeff. The blonde turned and smiled at him as he noticed his arrival.

"Hey," he said "You were great out there."

"Thanks," Nick returned the smile, searching for anything in Jeff's face that betrayed feelings for him. He saw nothing but a friendly smile and a faint hint of sadness. The latter he couldn't explain, but there was nothing that proved Kurt right. And for a moment, he was confused as to how he felt about that revelation. But then his attention was dragged away as Jeff spoke and he pushed the thought to the back of his mind. The blonde didn't like him and that was that.

"You can really sing," he was saying. Nick replied, "So can you."

The blonde looked down at the empty glass in front of him and his smile faded. "You can't compare that." Nick put a hand on the other's shoulder. "You're great, Jeff. You can sing just as well as any of the guys up there, trust me."

"What's this about singing?"

The brunette looked up to see Thad and Ivy both watching them curiously, though it was the latter that had spoken. He'd forgotten they were there. Jeff ducked his head and avoided eye contact. Nick knew it would only upset him if he said anything about it so he replied, "Nothing. How's life going for you two?"

If either of them noticed the blatant change of subject, they didn't say anything about it. Instead, Thad grinned and said, "Great. I don't know why I didn't get married sooner."

Ivy rolled her eyes. "It wasn't because I didn't ask. God knows how many times I suggested it. It took you long enough to catch on."

Nick caught Jeff smiling but the sadness was still hiding behind it, lurking in his eyes. He wanted to know what was wrong, but he knew it wasn't his place to ask. Besides, with everything he'd gone through it wasn't much of a surprise that Jeff wasn't bright and happy all the time.

* * *

><p>For the rest of the night Nick played for the guys, kept up a conversation with Jeff and Ivy, fended off Kurt every time he tried to talk to him. When they finally packed up for the night Nick headed back over to the bar to collect Jeff and found him helping Ivy to her feet. She was well past tipsy and could barely stand without help. Giggling, she leaned on Jeff and rested her head on his shoulder, hugging him close.<p>

"You're great," she slurred with a grin "I like you."

Jeff laughed. "I like you too."

"Thad likes you too. And Blaine. Everyone likes you," Ivy continued, tripping on nothing. She ended up with her face crushed against Jeff's chest as he did his best to hold her up. For a split-second, something horrible flared up in Nick's chest and he didn't like it. But then Jeff hauled her up straighter and it died away.

"That's nice to know."

"Are you and Nick doing it?" the woman blurted out and Jeff almost dropped her. "What?"

Ivy giggled. "You know, are you and Nick–" She paused and looked around, thankfully not spotting the brunette a few metres away. Then, lowering her voice to a loud whisper, she said emphatically, "_Having sex?_"

"I know what you meant," Jeff said, a nervous smile on his face. Nick stepped forward to save him from having to answer anything or deal with the drunken woman anymore. But then the blonde spoke and he stopped for a moment.

"We're just friends, Ivy. Nothing else." His tone surprised Nick. This time, the sadness wasn't just in his eyes – it came out in his voice. Nick's heart revolted and skipped about a dozen beats. Was he reading too much into it? Or did Jeff genuinely sound sad that they were only friends? Had Kurt been on to something?

"Oh," Ivy frowned "I totally thought you were."

It was then that Thad made his way over to them and rescued Jeff from his wife. As soon as the pair had left the bar, Nick forced himself to move towards Jeff. The blonde caught sight of him and gave him a tired smile. "Hey."

"Hey," Nick replied "You ready to go?"

Jeff nodded and they headed for the exit. Once they were in the car and on their way home, Nick glanced over at the blonde, trying to figure out just what was going on. One minute he'd been certain that he was madly in love with Jeff but the feeling wasn't mutual at all. And now he had no idea if that was true. He was sure that he'd heard Jeff correctly, and paired with what Kurt had said – and Ivy, for that matter…

He didn't know what to think about this development. A huge part of him was excited and beyond happy that there might be something there between them. But intermixed with that was a part of him that was confused, unsure and scared. Confused as to what this meant for them. Unsure about what to do next. And scared to know if it was all true.

The silence was killing him so hesitantly he asked, "Did you… have fun tonight?"

Jeff looked over at him and after a moment, smiled slightly and nodded. "Yeah, I did. Your friends are great."

"They are."

Soon enough he was pulling into his driveway and Jeff was getting out. Nick allowed himself a few seconds to watch him, mentally thanking the blonde for picking those jeans to wear, then got out himself. When they were inside, Jeff turned to him and said quietly, "Thanks for inviting me."

Nick couldn't control himself and a smile crept onto his face. "Don't worry about it. And you can keep those jeans by the way. If you want to."

Jeff's jaw practically dropped. "What? N-No, I couldn't–"

"I'm not going to make you. But you're welcome to them."

"I won't take charity from you," Jeff said in a warning tone. Nick shrugged. "It's up to you."

The blonde eyed him for a moment, then said, "I'm not going to take them. But… thank you anyway."

Nick smiled again and nodded. Jeff turned to go and suddenly an idea came to the brunette. Quickly he spoke up. "If you feel like coming out with me again…" He trailed off, wondering if this was such a good idea. But that thought was overturned in a second and he continued once Jeff was looking at him again. "There's something I'm invited to on Monday and I'm allowed to bring a plus one. A photography exhibition for my class. It sounds kind of boring, so I understand if you don't want to go…"

Jeff regarded him curiously as Nick talked and when he was quiet, said, "You want me to come?"

"Only if you want to."

The blonde thought about it for a moment. Nick's heart leaped when the other smiled. "Okay."

"Great," Nick grinned. He made a move to go to the living room – it was late and he was both tired and overwhelmed by everything – but Jeff stopped him by asking in a low voice, "Is it okay if I go see Sebastian tomorrow?"

"Of course!" Nick said "I'll drive you to the hospital in the morning if you like."

"You don't have to do that," Jeff said quickly. Nick smiled. "I know."

Jeff was quiet for a moment, then smiled in return. "Good night."

"Good night, Jeff."

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks for reading! Reviews would be awesome :)<strong>


	21. Messy

**Hey y'all! I'm back! We're seriously getting down to the end of this fic so I hope you're prepared ;) But for now, here's the next chapter - I hope you enjoy it!**

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><p>When Jeff walked into the hospital Sunday morning, he was already feeling bad. He'd been so wrapped up in his own drama that he hadn't gone to see Sebastian for the past few days. Part of the reason why was because he knew Sebastian would be able to tell something was wrong and ask about it. He didn't want to talk about his issues with Nick, especially not with someone who wasn't overly fond of him. If he ignored them for long enough to get back home and back to work, they would go away. But Sebastian did need him, so Jeff steeled himself for a cold reception and made his way to the man's room.<p>

He knocked lightly and entered. Sebastian was sat up in the bed, clearly bored out of his mind with the magazine he was idly flicking through. He looked up as Jeff walked in and tossed the magazine aside.

"Hey," the blonde said hesitantly "How are you?"

Sebastian shrugged. "Better. They said I'll be out of here in a few days, once the rest of the tests come back. Shouldn't be too much longer."

"You've got some results?"

"Yeah. Not that they told me anything I didn't already know."

Jeff moved closer and took up a chair by the bed. "What's wrong?"

The brunette raised an eyebrow. "I'm not eating enough, that's what's wrong. Which is bullshit. I'm alive, which means I'm eating plenty and that's all that matters."

"I suppose so," Jeff said, not surprised at the findings. Rent and drugs both came above food, at least for Sebastian. He'd never seemed to be a big eater anyway, but he'd often go two or three days without eating. Sometimes he only ate if Trent noticed and forced something down his throat. What worried Jeff were the tests that hadn't come back yet, and quietly he asked about them. Sebastian scoffed. "There's nothing wrong with me, Jeff, and those tests will show that. I'm fine. But you're clearly not, so spill."

Jeff opened his mouth to dispute that but one raised eyebrow was enough to shut him up.

"Whatever's going on, it seems like I'm the last to know. Trent's being shifty and won't tell me anything, and neither will you." The hurt was clear in the brunette's voice and Jeff felt like shit. He hadn't meant to keep him out of the loop or anything of the sort. Anyway, what did Trent know? He hadn't told him anything and he wasn't planning on it.

"You've got more than enough to deal with," Jeff started, but Sebastian sighed, "Don't give me that crap. Tell me what's going on."

"There's nothing to worry about. It'll all be over soon anyway."

"All the more reason to tell me so I don't miss out," Sebastian said dryly. Then, in a more serious tone, he said, "I'm not kidding, Jeff. What's going on?"

The blonde sighed and ran a hand through his hair. What would his friend say if he told him he was maybe somewhat in love with Nick? That he couldn't keep denying it and it was killing him? That he didn't want to feel this way and he'd give anything to not be in love? Slowly, Jeff said, "Please don't be mad at me, okay?"

Sebastian's upset expression at being left out immediately changed. Concern replaced the hurt and he asked, "Jeff? What did you do?"

"I… Look, you really don't have to know."

"_Jeff_."

Sebastian's harsh tone loosened his tongue and Jeff looked away from him, speaking fast so it would be over as quickly as possible. "I think I really care about Nick."

Sebastian stared at him for a long moment and Jeff kept his head down, unable to look at him. But then the brunette started chuckling and he looked up, confused.

"God, I thought you'd gone and done something stupid." Sebastian shook his head "Not that caring about someone isn't stupid. You scared the crap out of me."

Jeff didn't say anything – he didn't know what to say. Eventually Sebastian calmed down and looked him in the eye, the seriousness returning to his voice. "It is stupid though. Caring won't get you anywhere good. It'll just get you hurt. And can I just ask – why _Nick_?"

Jeff sighed. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I've never… I've never felt like this before." He fixed the brunette with a worried look. "I _really_ care about him, Seb. And it's scaring me."

He was startled when Sebastian reached out and grabbed him by the front of his shirt – Nick's shirt, the one he'd let him borrow. The look in his eyes was both fierce and haunted and Jeff's jaw dropped a little in shock as he growled, "When you start caring about someone, when you start forming attachments, that's when people get hurt. You get hurt and _they_ get hurt. Nothing good ever comes from it, Jeff. Trust me."

"You care about me," Jeff said in a small voice. Sebastian, still angry, gestured to himself with his free hand. "And look where that got me! And you, caring about me – it's given you nothing but trouble! Caring about Nick will be exactly the same. That asshole will use you and then throw you aside."

Jeff shoved the brunette back and stood up, freeing himself from the other's grip. "That _asshole_ saved your life! And mine!"

"He's one of those people that like the idea of helping others," Sebastian said with a sneer "But I bet that if you told him what you're telling me, he'd turn and fucking _run_. He doesn't really give a shit about you, Jeff. He's just like everyone else."

Jeff shook his head. None of what Sebastian was saying matched with what he knew of Nick. Nick was the guy who had given him a place to stay when he needed it, given him all the attention he needed, helped him through dark nights of terrible dreams. Nick didn't love him, but he certainly cared.

"He's different."

"No, he's not. He'll take what he wants from you and then it'll be like you never existed."

The blonde tightened his jaw, regretting ever coming to see his friend. "Nick is a good person. He's letting me stay with him. He's introduced me to his friends. He's _different_."

Sebastian rolled his eyes. "Are you really that blind? He's getting a fucking kick out of helping you, and showing you off to his stupid friends. You're a little project for him. And as soon as he gets bored, he'll ditch you. Do you honestly think he cares about you?"

He was angry at Sebastian and angry at himself for getting teary-eyed, but he pushed that back and shouted, "Why the hell not?"

"Because you're a whore, Jeff! And whores like us aren't worth caring about!"

Jeff's retort died in his throat and the room fell silent. For a long moment he just stared at Sebastian in shock, still trying to force back tears. The brunette took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair.

"Nobody cares about us, and Nick is no exception," he said coldly "The quicker you realise that, the less it's going to hurt. I'm trying to help you, Jeff. This has to _stop_."

His voice found a way out before he realised he could speak but Jeff wasn't surprised at the viciousness with which he spat, "Well, why don't you stop _caring_ about me and you won't feel the need to help."

"Jeff…"

But the blonde turned before Sebastian could say anything else and stormed out of the room. As he made his way down the hall, he fought back the angry tears that continued to threaten an escape. Fury warred with his shock as he pushed his way past people and left the hospital. He only managed to get down a few of the front steps before his legs gave out and he sat down heavily. His breathing was hard and he screwed up his face in anger. Sebastian had had no right to say any of that. He didn't know Nick. Of course he didn't expect Nick to love him in return but that didn't mean the guy didn't care. At the moment, he seemed to be the only one who cared about him. At least Nick wasn't calling him a worthless whore.

As true as it was, it was shattering coming from Sebastian – the one person he thought he could trust. He knew Sebastian could be cruel but his words _hurt_ and Jeff forced himself back to his feet. Nick had said he would pick him up whenever he wanted but he needed a chance to calm down before facing anyone. Knowing the walk would take a while, he headed in the direction of Nick's house, his vision blurred and anger beating at his chest. Sebastian didn't know shit. He didn't know about any of the things Nick had been doing for him, or the way he was always looking out for him. He didn't know that Nick was helping him through nightmares and panic attacks, or looking after him when he was slumped on the bathroom floor vomiting. He didn't know that Nick was spending his own money on keeping him fed and medicated and happy. Sebastian didn't know anything. He was wrong about Nick and it was the dedication to that thought that kept him upright and moving as he made his way back to what was fast becoming like home.

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><p>Nick was jolted from deep within Mordor when he heard the front door. Confused, he put his book down and got up to see what was going on. Most of his friends were happy to barge in whenever they liked but they always announced themselves. He got to the hall and stopped as he saw Jeff closing the door behind him.<p>

"What happened?" Nick asked "I said I'd come and pick you up."

"I'm sorry, it's fine," Jeff said, and there was no mistaking the slight tremor in his voice "I needed the walk."

Concerned, Nick took a step closer. "Are you alright?"

Jeff looked up at him for a long moment and the brunette recognised what he saw in the other's eyes. Confusion, anger, a lot of hurt. He tried again. "Jeff?"

The blonde shook his head. "I'm okay." He moved forward and Nick stepped out of his way so he could go past. He watched Jeff's back as he retreated to the bedroom and shut the door behind him. He didn't understand what had just happened but he could take a guess – something had gone wrong at the hospital. Perhaps something was wrong with Sebastian? Maybe he wasn't doing as well as everyone had hoped.

Nick bit his lip and wondered if he should go and say something. After a long few minutes of confliction, he decided to go and knock on the door. He tapped gently and called out, "Jeff?"

He listened carefully for any response and eventually it came – "You can come in."

He pushed the door open and poked his head inside. Jeff was sat on the end of the bed, head in his hands. He looked up when he heard the door and tried to smile.

"What's wrong?" Nick asked quietly.

"Nothing, everything's fine."

"Sebastian's okay?"

Jeff dropped his head and exhaled roughly, his jaw tightening. His reply was short and sharp. "Yes."

"Okay… you know I'm just out here if you want anything," Nick said, not sure what was going on. He seemed angry – could they have had a fight?

Jeff looked up again and the anger started to fade from his eyes. It was replaced by something that looked a little like relief and a little like happiness. He tried once more to smile as he said, "Yeah, I know. Thanks."

Slowly Nick backed out of the room and shut the door, giving the blonde some space. He waited by the door for a minute as he processed what was going on. Something was wrong between Jeff and Sebastian and there was a lot of anger there – that was the extent of his knowledge. Whatever it was, it'd been enough to make Jeff want to walk all the way home from the hospital rather than pick up the phone and get a ride.

Shaking his head, Nick returned to the couch and his book. As much as he wanted to go back in there and try to help or comfort Jeff, there wasn't a whole lot he could do without knowing what was wrong. He settled down again and slipped back into the chapter, but he'd only been reading for ten minutes when he was distracted again. Still half-paying attention to the story, he heard the bedroom door open and the footsteps hesitantly coming in his direction. When he caught sight of Jeff out of the corner of his eye he lowered the book and looked up. The blonde made to step back and disappear but when he realised he was caught, he stumbled to a halt.

"What's up?"

Jeff shifted uncomfortably, then took a deep breath and asked shakily, "Can I… ask…"

Nick sat up straighter. "Of course, go ahead."

"Would you mind if… if I kept you company?" He'd barely finished before he was backtracking and hurriedly trying to apologise. Nick interrupted him with a smile. "Sure. Come on, come and sit down."

Jeff smiled tentatively and sat down on the furthest corner of the couch. He curled up tightly with his knees to his chest, taking up as little space as possible. Nick almost told him that he could relax, but he figured Jeff would do it in his own time. Instead he said, "Do you want to talk or something?"

Jeff shook his head quickly. "No, it's okay; just go back to what you were doing. I'll be quiet."

"Are you sure?"

"I promise, I won't say a word."

Nick regarded him for a moment, then shrugged. "Okay, if you want." He lowered his gaze to the book again, though his attention was on anything but hobbits. He kept his eyes on the page but concentrated on the blonde he could see just over the top of the book, who pressed himself into the couch and watched him silently, barely moving. A few times he sneaked a proper glance and had to stifle a smile when Jeff immediately looked away, afraid he'd been seen. The game carried on for the next chapter until finally, Jeff got to his feet in a slight panic.

"I'm sorry, I'm distracting you. I'll leave you alone."

Without a thought, Nick reached out and grabbed his arm to stop him. Jeff flinched back and the brunette let go quickly. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. But you're not distracting me. Please, stay here. I'm getting bored of Lord of the Rings anyway."

Slowly Jeff curled back up in the corner, never taking his eyes off the other. Nick dropped the book on the coffee table and reached for the remote. "You want to pick a movie?"

"Really?" Jeff frowned. Nick smiled. "Yeah. In the cupboard next to the TV. Go have a look and see if there's anything you like."

With a curious look at Nick, the blonde got up again and made his way to the TV. As he had a look through the DVDs on offer, Nick watched him with a smile. He clearly wanted to be around him – or at least not be alone – and a movie would take his mind off whatever was going on with him and Sebastian.

Jeff turned back and held up a DVD. "Is this okay? I-I haven't seen this one, it sounds good."

"You haven't seen The Mummy?" Nick said in mock horror "This has to be rectified. Put it on."

He was glad to see Jeff crack a real smile as he bent down to put the movie on. When he came back to the couch he returned to his original position in the corner and Nick glanced over while the movie loaded.

"You'll love it."

Jeff nodded. "I'm sure I will."

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><p>One thing led to another and by the time the day was over, they'd gone through all three Mummy films as well as two of the X-Men movies. Throughout their marathon Jeff had started to relax and was now taking up half the couch. Nick was happy sprawled on his back with his legs in Jeff's lap and as the credits began to roll, he yawned and stretched his arms over his head.<p>

"You up for another one? Now that you've seen the prequels, we can watch the real movies," Nick said. Jeff stifled a yawn of his own and looked over at the brunette with sleepy eyes.

"I might get some sleep…" he said quietly. Nick nodded and moved his legs, sitting up and running a hand through his messy hair. From the corner of his eyes he caught the blonde watching him and he smiled. As soon as he did, Jeff blinked and looked away quickly. He stood up just as fast, saying something about finishing the rest of the series another time, but Nick wasn't paying attention. He was too focused on the fact that Jeff was unsteady on his feet. He stumbled forward and began to fall – Nick reacted with lightning speed and grabbed the blonde's wrist, pulling him back harder than intended. Instead of staying on his feet Jeff ended up collapsed in the other's lap, staring up at him.

"Sorry," Nick said with an embarrassed smile "I was trying to keep you up, not pull you over."

Jeff blinked. "It's okay."

For a second he didn't move. In the dim lamp light, his hair in disarray, eyes bright, lips slightly parted, the only thing that registered in Nick's mind was _perfect_. He fought with himself, severely tempted to just pull the blonde up from his lap and kiss him right then and there. The only thing that stopped him was the consequences – one moment of perfection wasn't worth everything he'd lose. He had to maintain control.

And then the moment passed. Jeff blinked and shook himself off, pushing himself to his feet. He took the time to stabilise himself before moving towards the bedroom. Just as he was about to disappear, Nick called out softly, "Good night."

Jeff paused in the doorway but didn't look at him. His reply was very quiet – "Good night" – before he shut the door and left Nick alone.

The brunette slumped down on the couch in defeat. He couldn't keep doing this. Sooner or later he was going to break – he was only human, after all. He sucked in a deep breath and huffed it out in frustration. The previous night at the bar came to mind to complicate things and Nick didn't know what to think. Not only did he want to kiss Jeff in a very passionate and literally breath-taking fashion, he had no idea if any of those feelings were shared or not.

Only one thing made sense – if he wasn't careful, things were going to get messy.

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><p>Jeff stared in the mirror and wondered how he'd been so lucky.<p>

For the past few years his life had been a living hell. Barely anything had gone right, he'd lost almost everything, and he'd cried himself to sleep on numerous occasions desperately hoping for a way out. But in the last month everything had changed. It hadn't been an easy month, but at the end of it all he was standing here, in Nick's house, knowing that someone in the world gave a shit about him and he was doing okay. He was happy – something he was now realising he missed. For now, everything was going his way and he loved it.

He'd gone a few days without a nightmare or panic attack, and when he'd woken up Monday morning he'd felt more energetic than usual. So while Nick went to his full schedule of classes, Jeff had done as much as he could around the house. He managed to only think about Sebastian once and instead of dwelling on what had been said, he shook himself off and carried on with his work. He'd felt a small burst of pride when Nick returned home and praised him for what he'd done – though not before making sure the blonde was alright and hadn't overexerted himself.

And now he was in the bathroom making sure he looked presentable before they left for the exhibition. Jeff shook his head, a small smile creeping on to his face. It seemed impossible that anyone could think Nick didn't care about him. He was being invited along as the man's plus-one, to an event at which his friends would be present. It didn't seem like the sort of thing someone would do if they didn't like him at least a little bit.

He ran his hand through his hair one last time and stepped back. He'd borrowed Nick's jeans again, the same ones he'd worn to the bar the other night, and he'd grabbed a dark green button up as well. He'd had no idea how he was supposed to dress but luckily Nick had gotten changed first into something similar. Assessing himself in the mirror, Jeff figured he looked alright. He hoped Nick felt the same.

As soon as that thought crossed his mind, he heard the man in question calling for him. Casting a final glance at himself, he nodded and ducked out of the bathroom. He found Nick waiting by the front door, keys in hand. He looked up when he heard the other approaching, a smile already on his face, but Jeff stopped dead when that smile started to fade. Instantly his confidence turned to dread.

"Is this not okay?" he asked, self-consciously tugging on his shirt. Nick blinked a few times, focused on the blonde's face, and then took another moment before he actually spoke, stammering and flustered "Oh, no, of course! You look great!"

The enthusiasm didn't seem forced, but Jeff was still a little suspicious. "Are you sure?" He didn't want to embarrass Nick or himself if he looked like an idiot.

This time the brunette's answer was more put-together. "Absolutely. It's perfect."

There was something about Nick's reaction that bothered him but there wasn't much time to think about it – Nick had turned and was opening the door. Staring at his back, Jeff followed him out to the car. The ride was silent as Jeff tried to figure out why Nick had acted so strangely. It didn't make any sense. As they reached their destination Jeff ran a hand through his hair, a little frustrated. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Nick watching him and when he turned, the brunette got out of the car so fast he almost fell over. For a split-second Jeff was reminded of the previous night, when he'd ended up in Nick's lap. In that brief moment, he'd let himself believe that the look in Nick's eyes was desire and he'd started to float off into a fantasy where Nick acted on that desire and kissed him hard, leaving him breathless and dazed. Quickly he shook his head and stepped out of the car. He couldn't be thinking like that – things might be going well for him at the moment but they'd never be _that_ good.

Quietly he followed Nick into the building in front of them. He was lead down a few halls, turned a few corners, before the low hum of conversation reached them. Nick made his way to the last door in the hallway and opened it, Jeff close behind him. Smiling genuinely, he said, "After you."

"Thanks," Jeff lowered his eyes as he entered, only giving the room a quick glance. It was on the small side which made the modest gathering of people seem larger and more intimidating. Every wall was plastered with photographs and everyone seemed happy, chatting with each other and admiring the work of the students. As soon as Nick had closed the door he paused and put a hand on the blonde's shoulder, making him jump.

"We can go home if you want," he said, sounding concerned "You don't have to stay here."

Jeff kept his head down as he replied, "It's fine."

"Are you sure? This isn't important – we can leave if you don't want to be here."

This time Jeff looked up and did his best to smile. "I'm fine. Honestly. Go talk to your friends."

Nick didn't look convinced and opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off by two people approaching them. The man grinned widely and greeted Nick, leaving Jeff to make eye contact with his fidgeting date. She smiled at him and he returned it, though his attention was drawn away as he heard his name.

"Dean, this is Jeff, a friend of mine. Jeff, this is Dean. We're both in this class," Nick said. Jeff accepted the hand that was offered to him and was surprised at the strength of the shake.

"Great to meet you," Dean said happily, then pulled back to show off the dark-haired woman behind him "This is Jenna. Jenna, this is the guy I was telling you about, Nick."

Jenna smiled. "You're the one who took those beautiful photos?"

The brunette shook his head. "Couldn't possibly be me."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Your work is better than anyone else's in this class and you know it."

"Hey," Nick shot back, poking his friend in the shoulder "You know as well as I do that some of your stuff is amazing."

"Still not as good as yours," Dean chuckled "Anyway, we'll let you guys go."

As they left, Jeff caught the double thumbs up Dean sent to his friend, to which Nick replied with a grin and a wink. Once the pair was gone, Nick chuckled and shook his head. When he noticed Jeff's confused look he explained. "Dean's been crushing on Jenna for ages but he wouldn't do anything about it. I told him this would be the perfect opportunity to ask her out. Looks like he did."

"Oh."

It wasn't long before more people came up to congratulate Nick on his work throughout the year. Jeff kept his distance, smiling politely when Nick introduced him to classmates who eyed him curiously. He lost track of time and it was only when the brunette finally managed to fend off the last of his admirers that he realised an hour had passed.

"I'm not even that good," Nick muttered and ran a hand through his hair. Then he turned to the blonde and said with a smile, "I'm sorry, I didn't realise I was going to get that much attention."

Jeff shrugged. "It's okay. I'd like to see what all the fuss is about though."

Nick chuckled. "I think my work's this way."

He rested a hand on Jeff's shoulder and guided him in the right direction. The blonde glanced at the other photographs around the room, with subjects ranging from the inanimate to animals to people. It was then that Jeff remembered that one afternoon a few weeks ago, when he'd allowed Nick to take pictures of him getting ready to work. He glanced over at the brunette and asked quietly, heart pounding, "Are the photos you took of me going to be here?"

Nick swore and bit his lip. "I didn't think of that. I don't know, to be honest."

"It's okay," Jeff replied unsurely "I mean, it's not like anyone will know it's me. Right?"

"Of course not," Nick hurried to reassure him "I made sure of that. No one will know."

Jeff took a deep breath, reminding himself that he'd seen all the photos. None of them were recognisable as him. But he couldn't help but feel that suddenly everyone was staring at him.

"There it is."

Jeff looked up and immediately searched for anything depicting him. He started to relax as he caught sight of the pictures – just as he remembered them. It was impossible to make any sort of judgement about who was in the pictures and he sighed in relief. He looked over the other photos Nick had taken, smiling as he recognised a few of the brunette's friends in a couple of them.

"They're really good," he said. Nick brushed off the compliment with a shake of his head. "They're no better than anyone else's."

A movement in the corner of his eye caught Jeff's attention and he glanced over to see Dean and Jenna approaching. The former clapped Nick on the shoulder and chuckled. "You're joking. Everyone knows you're the best. Even Miss C."

"Speaking of Celia, where is she?" Nick asked "I haven't seen her."

As the pair descended into a conversation between themselves, Jeff was left to chat with Jenna. The woman stepped up beside him and looked over Nick's photos with a smile.

"I really think Nick's too modest," she said "I'm not a huge lover of photography, but I know what looks good. Don't you think he's got talent?"

Jeff nodded. "Definitely."

"I think this one is the most interesting. To be honest, I was going to ask you if you'd helped him with it." Jenna pointed to a small collection of pictures off to the side and the blonde frowned, suddenly afraid. When he saw the photos his jaw dropped in shock.

"They came out beautifully, don't you think? Dean, don't you think these were the best ones?"

Jeff barely paid attention to what Jenna was saying and just stared at photos. There was no doubt about it – the subject was him, standing under a streetlight, in his shorts and boots and wifebeater, looking like he was about to fall apart. In some he looked more composed, and then the final picture was just the lone streetlight.

"Jeff."

He flinched when Nick came towards him and reached out a hand. He avoided it and looked away, anger beating at his ribs and shame burning his cheeks. For a second Sebastian's words came back to him and he couldn't breathe. _He'll take what he wants from you and then it'll be like you never existed._ It wasn't true, was it? It couldn't be. But why hadn't Nick told him about the photos? Why had he taken them in the first place?

Nick moved to block the blonde from his friends' view and said quietly, "I'm so sorry, Jeff. I completely forgot about these – I took them ages ago. I should have told you."

Jeff lifted his head and glared, anger winning out. "You shouldn't have taken them," he whispered harshly "I might not be a decent person, or important or anything, but it's still my fucking life and you don't… you don't get to do that. That's not okay."

"I'm so–"

"I didn't _know_. You just fucking watched me or something and took photos and that's really messed up." Jeff flexed his fists unconsciously "You can't do that. You can't…"

Nick tried once more to speak but Jeff waved him away. "I'm going."

He pushed past the brunette roughly, as well as others in his path. He didn't care about other people noticing – he just wanted to get out. He heard Nick say something quickly, an explanation to Dean and Jenna, but didn't listen. Instead, he flung open the door and hurried down the hall, trying to remember his way out of the building.

Jeff didn't want to admit it, but maybe Sebastian had had the right idea. What he knew of Nick didn't seem to fit with what he'd just learned. It didn't make sense. Nick wasn't the type of person to do something like that – but apparently he was. The only conclusion he could come to was that Nick wasn't quite the kind, caring person he'd believed him to be. Anger pushed him forward and a hollow feeling of violation ate at him as he finally made it out into the cool night air. He saw Nick's car but walked straight past it. He didn't know exactly where he was going to go but he knew it just had to be away from here.

He heard the footsteps behind him but didn't stop. He still kept walking even as Nick called out, "Jeff! Wait, please." He glanced back over his shoulder and shouted, "Stop it! Just leave me alone, okay?"

Just as he started to look back, his foot caught in a crack in the pavement and he tripped, falling forward and landing heavily on his hands and knees. He heard Nick running up from behind and saw him crouch down next to him from the corner of his eye, but Jeff refused to make eye contact.

"Are you okay?" The brunette reached out but Jeff shoved him away. "I'm fine! Just give me some fucking space, okay?"

Nick sat back on his heels. "Okay. But will you please listen to me and let me explain? If you want me to go after that then I will, but hear me out first?"

Jeff glared at the ground, angry but knowing that after everything Nick had done for him, he deserved a chance to explain himself. "Fine."

Nick sighed. "You're right, I should never have taken those photos. I invaded your privacy and I am so sorry for that. And seeing as I did take them, I should have told you afterwards. To be honest, I forgot I took them. It was ages ago – before I even went to see you at the club that first time. But I should never have done it in the first place and I really am sorry. Can you forgive me?"

Jeff thought about it for a little while. He knew he couldn't hold it against Nick forever, not after all the good things that he'd done for him. Everyone messed up on occasion – he was reminded of the fight that had turned physical between Nick and Sebastian, and the time the man had pissed Trent off enough to want to pull his gun on him. No one was perfect. But he wasn't sure he was okay with forgiving him just yet.

Finally he looked up and locked eyes with the brunette. "Not yet. But maybe."

Nick nodded. "Okay. Do you want me to take you home?"

Jeff tried to sound indifferent as he replied, but he wasn't sure how well he pulled it off. "If you want."

Nick smiled and held out his hand. "Come on then."

Jeff hesitated before accepting the help and allowing the other to pull him to his feet. They walked back to the car and the brunette had just opened the door for him when someone spoke from behind them.

"Is everything okay?"

Jeff looked around Nick to see his friend, looking worried. But Nick waved off his concern with a smile. "Everything's fine, Dean. Like I said, Jeff's not feeling great so I'm going to get him home."

"Okay," Dean replied and with a last glance backward, retreated back into the building. Nick looked down at Jeff as he got into the car and said quietly, "I'm just going to go back quickly and talk to Celia about getting those photos taken down, okay? Just wait for me?"

The blonde nodded and watched as Nick dashed back inside. He pulled the car door shut and rested his head against the window, the hollowness and shame still tearing at his insides. He hated feeling like this, but what he hated more was the fact that it was Nick making him feel like this. If Sebastian had just seen what had happened, the first thing he would have said would have been, "I told you so."

But he had to admit that for all the bad things Nick had done, he'd done ten times more good things for him. Jeff couldn't ignore that this was the guy who'd done everything he could for him, who'd been there when no one else was and made him feel like a decent human being. He'd messed up, but was it worth losing all the good stuff to stay angry at him for it?

He jumped when the driver's side door opened and Nick slipped inside. Neither of them said anything as he started the car and they headed home. The silence continued for the entire journey and carried on after they'd arrived and Nick had shut the front door behind them.

Jeff made straight for the bedroom and was almost inside when he heard Nick say quietly, "You are important, Jeff."

He stopped and looked back. The brunette had fixed him with a serious, somewhat sad look and he frowned. "What?"

"Back there, you said you weren't a decent person or important. But you are. And I never wanted to make you feel otherwise."

Jeff stared at him for a long moment. He didn't know what to say to that. He opened his mouth a few times, thinking he had an answer, then closed it when he realised he didn't. Eventually Nick bit his lip and shrugged. "Good night."

"Yeah," Jeff replied with a touch of confusion "Good night."

* * *

><p>When Nick woke in the middle of the night, his first thought was that something was wrong with Jeff. He started to get up but it was only when he was on his feet that he realised he couldn't hear anything. There was none of the usual screaming or shouting that accompanied Jeff's nightmares. Nick frowned and sat down on the couch again, rubbing his hands over his face. If it wasn't Jeff, he didn't know what had woken him. For a few minutes he didn't move, listening carefully for anything that would explain why he was awake. Just as he was about to get back to sleep he heard it – a small, faint choking noise, coming from the direction of the bedroom. Nick didn't waste any time; he got back to his feet and headed straight for the door. Just as he grabbed the handle he paused, wondering if he should actually go in – Jeff probably wanted nothing to do with him. But then he shook his head. If Jeff wanted him out, then he could say so. Until then, he was going to do what he could to make sure the blonde was alright.<p>

He stuck his head around the door to assess the situation. Jeff was curled up in the middle of the bed, crushing a pillow to his chest and sobbing – harsh and painful sounds that ripped at Nick's insides. Quietly he cleared his throat and said, "Jeff?"

The blonde coughed, "I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

"Please, l-leave me alone. I'm supposed to – to be m-mad at you." Jeff folded himself up even more, burying his face into the pillow.

For a few minutes Nick was silent, wondering if he should push it more. He decided to back out, but before he left he said in a low voice, "You can always be mad at me tomorrow."

He hesitated for a few seconds after speaking and was glad for it when Jeff lifted his head. All Nick could see was bloodshot eyes, tear-stained cheeks and a whole lot of pain in the blonde's face. Neither of them said anything for a moment until Jeff sucked in a shaky breath and said timidly, "I could be mad at you tomorrow."

Within seconds Nick was sliding into the bed next to Jeff and pulling him to his chest. Jeff didn't resist at all – he relaxed as soon as the brunette touched him and let the other move him around however he liked. He wrapped his arms around Nick and, shaking, started to cry again. Nick rubbed his back and talked to him quietly – nothing that made a lot of sense, but seemed to calm Jeff down. For the next ten minutes they just sat there, Nick holding Jeff close to him and the blonde trying desperately to stop crying. Eventually the tears subsided and Jeff slumped against the brunette, exhausted and shaking.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Nick asked, not expecting him to agree. But Jeff, face pressed into the other's chest, mumbled, "I was dreaming…"

Nick ran a hand through Jeff's hair, knowing it would help relax him. "About what happened to you?"

"No." The reply was soft, almost inaudible "About my mom."

The brunette swallowed hard. This was the last thing he could have thought was on Jeff's mind. He didn't know what to say so he ended up spitting out a confused, "Yeah?"

"Can I tell you about her?"

"Of course. If that's what you want to do." If he was honest, he was a little curious. He knew absolutely nothing about the other's history and he wondered if his mother had anything to do with why he was out on the streets.

Jeff nudged his head into Nick's hand and he realised he'd stopped playing with the other's hair. He started up again and pulled him a little closer. "What's she like?"

Jeff sighed, his voice still a little shaky. "She was a good mom. She loved me. My dad left when I was little so she was the only one. But it was okay – we did fine without him. We did fine for ages. But you know what's funny?" He smiled, but it was a sad smile as he continued "My dad left for a hooker. My mom hated him for that."

"Really?" Nick pushed the hair away from the other's face "At least you were alright."

"Yeah," Jeff said and his smile shifted to a much happier one. He tightened his grip around Nick's chest and kept talking. "We were alright. And then my mom met this guy called James. I was fifteen then and I was scared that I'd lose her, you know? She was all I had and then this guy came in and I didn't like him."

"What was he like?"

"He was actually really good. He had a daughter, Estelle. She was only four but she got really attached to me. She was the best little sister. We always had so much fun together."

Nick smiled as he remembered the photo he'd seen a few weeks back that had fallen from Jeff's bag. The smiling little girl in it could only be Estelle. "It sounds really good."

"It was." The blonde's tone changed suddenly and the other frowned. "What happened?"

"They'd been together about a year when my mom's friend was in a car accident and died. She got really upset about it. She started drinking and getting really angry all the time, and James and her were fighting every day. I had to try to keep Estelle away from it all. And then James just left."

Nick blinked, a little surprised. "What?"

"He said he couldn't deal with it anymore so he took Estelle and he left." Jeff sniffed, the tremor in his voice becoming more pronounced as he continued "She was so upset. I'd given her a necklace for her birthday, this angel necklace, and she gave it back to me before she left and told me I wasn't allowed to forget about her."

Nick hurried to soothe the blonde as he started to tear up again. "I miss her so fucking much."

"I know."

It took a little while for Jeff to compose himself again and when he was ready, he carried on with his story.

"My mom didn't care. She just kept getting drunk and then I found out someone was giving her drugs… Everything was so messed up. We didn't have any money because she was spending it all and I got fired from my job, and I was really fucking scared…"

"I'm not surprised," Nick said "I think anyone would be."

Jeff coughed. "One of my friends said he knew a guy who knew a guy who could get me money and I went to talk to him, and he said the easiest ways to get a lot of money fast was sex or drugs, and there was no way I was doing anything with drugs, not with my mom using them. I figured getting money for sex didn't hurt anyone, so it was okay. I didn't want to but I was really desperate." He started to shake again and Nick hugged him tightly, feeling as if the pit of his stomach had just dropped out. The poor kid had been so scared, so desperate for money to keep his life together that he'd been willing to do almost anything. He couldn't help but think, _if only I'd known him back then. Maybe I could have helped him_. But there was nothing he could do about it now, so he just continued running his hand through the blonde's hair as he kept talking.

"I told myself I'd only do it until I could get another job, but my mom found out I'd been fired and wanted to know where the money was coming from… I had to tell her. A-And she got so _mad_… she screamed at me and told me I-I was just like my father, and that I had to get out if I didn't want her to kill me…"

"Jeff…" Nick didn't know what to say. What could he say that would make him feel better? There wasn't a single thing he could say or do to make this okay and he hated it.

"I didn't know where t-to go. I couldn't stay because there was no one who'd take me so I took a-a bus… I ended up here. It was r-really bad to start with, but then I met Sebastian and Trent and everything kind of… worked out. They made it okay."

Nick knew his hands were shaking but he tried to hide it. "God, Jeff, I'm so sorry."

"It's not like it was your fault," Jeff said quietly.

"That should never have happened to you. Someone should have helped you. You said you had friends?"

The blonde shrugged. "They didn't want anything to do with me."

He felt sick. He couldn't believe that no one had been there to protect Jeff. Everyone that should have helped him had abandoned him and now he was here, fighting his way through violent abuse and nightmares and panic attacks. It wasn't fair and he felt angry that no one had tried to do anything for him. Someone should have been there.

"Nick?" Jeff looked up at him, concern in his eyes "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. I've just made things worse."

"No, it's okay," Nick reassured him "I just can't believe that no one was there to protect you."

"I never really had anyone except my mom, and then… I didn't have her either. But I think I did okay."

The brunette nodded. He was alive, somewhat healthy, had a job and a roof over his head – he'd done alright for himself. He'd survived all the crap that life had thrown at him and made the best of it.

His attention was drawn away from his thoughts by Jeff yawning and absently nuzzling his head into the other's chest. He smiled and brushed the hair away from the blonde's face again. "Tired?"

His only answer was a single nod. Nick shifted his hold on the other and asked, "Do you want me to stay or go?"

This time Jeff lifted his head and looked him straight in the eye – Nick saw worry and fear in his face. "I can't… I can't ask you to stay again."

"Then don't ask me," he shrugged "I'll just stay until you tell me to go away."

The relief was visible on Jeff's face and he started to crash back into the brunette's arms. But Nick stopped him with a smile. "Let's actually get comfortable, okay?"

There was no protest as they pulled back the covers and settled underneath. Nick pulled the blankets around them properly but the moment he was done Jeff pressed himself against the man's chest, one arm wrapped around him tightly.

"Is this okay?" he mumbled. Nick let out a sigh of contentment and draped an arm over the blonde, perfectly happy to be so close to him. "Absolutely."

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks for reading! I appreciate all the love I'm getting from you guys :D<strong>


	22. No Return

**Again, apologies for how long this chapter's taken. But hopefully it'll be worth the wait and you'll enjoy it!**

* * *

><p>Jeff was pretty sure that this was what bliss was supposed to feel like.<p>

The gentle sunlight, the soft bed, the multitude of pillows, his half-asleep daze – and the warm security of Nick pressed up against him.

At some point during the night Jeff had rolled over onto his back and the brunette, arm still around him, had followed and was now on his stomach, half on top of the other man. His weight was a little suffocating but the blonde couldn't have cared less. As he blinked his eyes open slowly he smiled, happy to be so close to him. His mind was still hazy and he wasn't thinking straight – but he didn't need to. Everything was perfect and he was content to stay right here forever. He twisted his head and his smile widened at the sight of Nick spread out over him and the bed. The brunette nudged his face into Jeff's shoulder as he slept, making a small noise before settling again.

For the few precious seconds before rational thought returned to him, Jeff was in heaven.

But then consciousness swept in and shoved his happiness aside with the more pressing matter of why they were in this particular position. Jeff swallowed and bit his lip. He'd said things he hadn't really meant to say the previous night – he'd only told two other people about his history, and only one – Sebastian – knew the full story. Trent had gotten the short version. But now he'd gone and spilled his guts to Nick about his shitty past and he didn't know what to expect when the brunette woke up. He'd been caring and comforting last night and in his condition at the time, Jeff had been more than okay with that. But awake and functioning, he didn't want to hear anything like that. His family wasn't something he talked about – especially Estelle – and he wanted to bury their conversation forever.

There was the possibility that Nick would think he was a complete mess and not want anything to do with him. He didn't put a lot of stock in that thought, but it remained in the back of his mind. He didn't want to deal with that scenario either, but eventually Nick was going to wake up and he was going to have to face the consequences of his breakdown.

As he lay there thinking, Jeff felt the slight movement of Nick pushing his face into his shoulder again, but the noise he made this time was different. Instead of a sleepy mumble, it was a quiet groan that indicated one thing – he was waking up. Jeff froze, panicking. With only a few seconds to think, he closed his eyes and tried to slow his breathing –if he could pretend to be asleep he wouldn't have to deal with anything just yet.

He heard the brunette sigh, his breath warm on his shoulder. A shiver rushed down Jeff's spine and as he tried to control himself, he could only hope Nick hadn't noticed. It appeared he'd been lucky as the other stretched out the arm already draped over Jeff's stomach. He relaxed, glad not to have been caught out, but then Nick tightened his grip and pulled him close, and Jeff had to fight to keep his eyes closed and not make a sound. He knew that Nick was awake – there was no doubt – and yet he'd just pulled him in and was holding him tightly like this was the most normal thing in the world. Jeff was busy thinking that through, confused, and so was barely able to control the shivers that rippled through him when Nick pressed a few light kisses along his shoulder and collarbone. None of it made any sense to him but he didn't care – he was in heaven again.

Nick left him one last kiss before letting go and pushing himself off. Jeff wanted nothing more than to grab him and drag him back but beneath the blankets he curled his hands into fists and forced himself to lie still. He felt Nick slide off the bed, heard him walk quietly across the room and go through the drawers. Then he stopped. The room was silent for a long while and Jeff fought the urge to sneak a look. Then the other gave a sigh before the door opened and closed again.

Jeff waited a few seconds longer before he peeked. Seeing no one in the room, he breathed out a long sigh and scrubbed his hands over his face. He could still feel the soft touch of Nick's lips on his skin and he shivered again, his breath coming out shaky. That wasn't what he'd expected at all. Of all the things that could have happened when Nick woke up, sleepy cuddles and kisses weren't even on the list of Jeff's expectations. And it didn't make any sense.

But if he thought about it then that meant trying to find a reason that for Nick's behaviour, and that was a road he wasn't sure he wanted to go down. How many reasons could there be for waking up and immediately pulling close and kissing the messed-up hooker who happened to be in your bed? Not many. And some of those very few reasons made Jeff's heart beat a little faster in hope, so he sat up quickly and shook himself off. He couldn't think like that. It would only make things worse.

He waited a few more minutes to calm himself before getting up and pulling some clothes on. Then he poked his head out the door and, hearing sounds coming from the kitchen, sighed and left the room. He knew he couldn't hide from the inevitable forever. He needed to face Nick and find out where he stood after his meltdown and confession last night and… that wakeup.

He looked around the kitchen door and saw Nick grabbing the milk from the fridge. He was glad the brunette hadn't noticed him yet because he had a tough time keeping a neutral face as he stared. The other was only dressed in baggy sweat pants that hung obscenely low on his hips, and he couldn't take his eyes off him. It was then that Nick glanced up and smiled at him, and Jeff tried to smile back and not look like he'd just been checking the guy out.

"Morning," he said, and Jeff could tell that as hard as he was trying to sound cheerful, he was anything but. He replied quietly, "Morning." Nick turned back to the fridge, but a second later looked at Jeff again and asked, his voice even more strained, "I didn't wake you up, did I?"

Jeff watched the other carefully as he shook his head. The relief that flooded Nick's face was obvious and his smile became more genuine. The muscles in his strong shoulders relaxed and Jeff let his eyes wander for a moment, but then forced himself to focus on the brunette's face as he spoke again.

"Look, about last night…"

Quickly Jeff stepped in, his words coming out in a rush. "I'm sorry for everything that I said last night, and for asking you to stay again because it was stupid and I shouldn't have done it, but I don't want to talk about it. At all."

Nick regarded him for a moment, his eyes soft and his lips hinting at a slight smile. Jeff bit his own lip and waited. Finally, the reply came.

"You didn't ask me to stay, remember? I made that decision myself, so don't apologise for that. And I won't talk about it if that's what you want. But I just wanted to ask if you were okay."

Jeff took a deep breath in relief. "I'm okay," he said.

Nick nodded. "Alright then. Breakfast?"

* * *

><p>Jeff had mixed emotions when Nick left for his classes. On the one hand, the atmosphere had become a little awkward and he only relaxed when the brunette finally left the house. But on the other hand, Jeff was now left alone with his thoughts and that wasn't something he wanted to deal with. No matter how busy he tried to keep himself, his mind always returned to those few moments after Nick had woken, and the butterfly kisses he'd left along his collarbone. Half the time he didn't even realise he was daydreaming and he lost track of time. At one point he shook himself back into consciousness only to find he'd been standing in the middle of the living room for half an hour.<p>

It was past midday when his phone rang and Jeff was glad for the distraction. He didn't check the ID, not caring who was on the other end. If it was Nick, then at least he could focus on something real rather than his imagination, and if it was someone else, then perhaps they could get his mind off the thrill the kisses had sent down his spine.

"Hello?"

"_Jeff? I-I really need to talk to you._"

The blonde paused. He recognised the voice immediately as Sebastian and for a second he wanted to hang up and ignore him. But the tremble in his voice, the barely-contained panic behind it, kept him on the phone.

"What's going on?"

"_I need you to come to the hospital. Now._"

Fear rose up in the back of his throat and threatened to choke him. "Is something wrong? What happened?"

"_Just… just come, okay? I'm sorry about what I said before. I just really need you here._"

It didn't take Jeff long to make up his mind – he could hear the distress in Sebastian's voice and as mad as he was at him, he couldn't leave his friend alone when he needed him.

"Okay, I'm coming. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"_Please hurry up._"

The way Sebastian's voice cracked as he spoke hit Jeff hard. Something was seriously wrong. With a final reassurance that he was on his way, the blonde hung up and ran to shove some shoes on before rushing for the door. He grabbed his key on the way out and stopped only long enough to lock the door behind him, then started the long run to the hospital.

* * *

><p>It took him half an hour of alternating between running flat out and walking when he couldn't to reach the hospital. He hauled himself up the steps and into the building without stopping for a second and made his way towards Sebastian's room as fast as he could. When he got there, he knocked briefly before shoving the door open and stumbling in, his muscles protesting at the shock of going from relaxing to running to walking and back again. It was a reminder that while everything appeared fine on the outside, he was still healing inside.<p>

Sebastian was sat on the edge of the bed and he looked up when Jeff entered. The blonde rushed to his side and, panting, asked, "What… what happened?"

His eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot, he was shaking, and there was a terrifyingly blank look on his face. For a long moment he didn't speak and Jeff was just about to ask again when he said quietly, "I… I got the last tests back."

"And?" It was bad. Really bad. Was it something fixable? Jeff didn't care how much it would cost – if it could be fixed, he'd do whatever it took to make sure Sebastian was okay. He'd take on more hours at the club, take riskier jobs, work as much as humanly possible if that was what had to be done. As long as whatever was wrong could be fixed, everything would be alright.

"Jeff…" Sebastian coughed and ran a hand through his hair, tugging at it harshly. "Jeff, they said I've got HIV."

In that split-second, Jeff's world came crashing down.

Everything was not going to be okay.

He couldn't force himself to speak – the words wouldn't come out, and he wasn't sure what words to say anyway. But Sebastian filled the silence, pulling at his hair and staring at the floor.

"She came in a few hours ago, the doctor. She had this look in her eyes and I knew it wasn't going to be good. I didn't… I didn't think… she said she's sure… I've got it, I've got fucking HIV. I'm going to fucking die, Jeff, this isn't fair…"

Finally something broke through the concrete lump in Jeff's throat. "You're not going to die."

Sebastian looked up at him again, hopelessness clear in his eyes and his voice stronger. "Yes I am! This… this thing is going to eat at me until I fucking keel over and die, Jeff!"

The blonde reached out and grabbed the other's shoulders, shaking him. "Shut up! Don't talk like that; you're going to be okay. You have to be okay."

Sebastian latched onto his arms and looked the blonde in the eyes. "Jeff, stop it. Don't."

"You –"

"No," Sebastian said "I get to break down, okay? I get to be angry and in denial about this. I can't handle it if you break down too. I-I can't. I need you to not do that right now. Okay?"

Jeff stared at him. He could feel the tremors that wracked Sebastian, and he could see the terror in his eyes. His fingers dug into the other's arms for support and Jeff knew he had to be that support. He had to be the stronger one – to help Sebastian cope, to pay the bills, to keep them both safe. It was up to him now and he couldn't afford to lose control.

He nodded and swallowed hard.

"Okay."

* * *

><p>Nick could barely concentrate all day. He spent his morning classes staring blankly at his desk and his afternoon work hours were hell as he forgot orders, mixed up tables, and dropped everything from pens to plates. Even as he was apologising for his mistakes, his mind was far away from his classroom or the café. The only thing he could focus on was Jeff and the story he'd told the previous night. He couldn't believe just how many people had abandoned Jeff when he'd needed them – his stepfather, his mother, his friends. They'd left him to fend for himself and he'd ended up here, almost getting his head smashed in with a shovel and overdosing on drugs. None of it was fair. The more he thought about it, the angrier he became. Jeff had been sixteen, maybe seventeen – a kid – and no one had helped him. Except for Sebastian and Trent, it seemed. Jeff had said they'd been there for him, they'd made it okay. But the people he was supposed to trust had done nothing to protect him.<p>

Nick couldn't help but think of his own parents. He didn't have the best relationship with them – his mother had never been the overly loving type and his father was colder still – but he couldn't imagine them not being there if he truly needed them. They'd given him the house, they still called on occasion and asked how he was. They still cared. But Jeff didn't have that. He had Sebastian and Trent, but one had supplied him with drugs and the other was essentially exploiting him. And while Nick knew he'd messed up as well – he'd taken the photos of Jeff without his knowledge, and he'd had altercations with both of the only friends the blonde seemed to have. But he'd never hurt him. He'd never taken advantage of him.

He loved him. That had to count for something.

When he was finally able to get home he was relieved. He didn't have to pretend to be social or focused on work. He could relax. He walked into the house with a slight smile, glad for the peace. But when he entered the living room he stopped, and his smile faded.

Jeff was sat in the middle of the couch, knees pressed together and head in his hands. There was no sign that the blonde had noticed his arrival, so Nick cleared his throat. Jeff looked up quickly, eyes wide, and Nick could see strain and stress there. Something wasn't right.

"What's up?" he asked quietly "Is everything okay?"

Jeff forced a smile and nodded. "Yeah," he said, his voice weak. He coughed and finished with, "Everything's fine."

Nick didn't buy it for a second. "If you want to talk about it…"

"No," Jeff said harshly "Nothing's wrong. I'm fine. I don't want to talk."

Nick jerked back at the sudden change of tone. Before he could say anything else Jeff got to his feet. He headed for the bedroom and shut the door quietly behind him without a word, leaving the brunette alone with his questions.

* * *

><p>It was too hard. He couldn't do it. Jeff curled up on one side of the bed, clutching a pillow to his chest as he tried to fight off the growing feelings of helplessness and fear. He was trying to be strong and keep himself together but he wasn't sure how long he could keep it up. He'd managed to stay composed for the rest of his visit with Sebastian, and for the walk home after he'd been kicked out by the nurses, but he'd started to lose control when Nick had walked in. Alone, maybe he could focus on ignoring the feelings but with Nick, he didn't stand a chance in hell. Not only did the emotions he was trying to suppress come to the fore, his confusion and affection for the brunette also jostled for attention and he couldn't think straight.<p>

The only thoughts that remained coherent were the thoughts about Sebastian and his diagnosis. He could have coped if it was something the doctors could fix, but there was no coming back from this. There was no getting better. There was only holding it off until it crept up and took him anyway. The idea that he could lose Sebastian – would one day lose Sebastian – scared Jeff beyond belief. He didn't have anyone else. They'd been through everything together and always promised to protect each other. And now there was nothing he could do and it was tearing at him.

Tears pressed at his eyelids but he refused to cry. Sebastian needed him to be strong. Besides, it wasn't as if he was the one with the disease. It wasn't as if he was the one who was going to die. He had no right to be this upset about it. So he pushed back the tears and gritted his teeth. He had to get through this somehow. He would. He didn't have any other choice.

* * *

><p>For the next few hours Nick wandered aimlessly, continually walking past the bedroom and trying to decide whether to go in and talk to Jeff or not. A few times he stopped; twice he raised a hand to knock, but something stopped him. Eventually it grew dark and he occupied himself with making dinner. He kept looking to the kitchen doorway, hoping Jeff would appear. But he never did. Once dinner was finished, he found the strength of will to go knock on the bedroom door and see if he'd eat. As soon as he'd knocked a reply sounded from the other side. "I don't want to talk."<p>

Nick bit his lip. "I've made something to eat. Are you hungry?"

The answer took a little longer. "No."

"Okay."

So he ate alone, always looking up in hope that the other had changed his mind. But the hours passed and Jeff still didn't leave the room. In the end Nick settled down to sleep but it wouldn't come to him, no matter how hard he tried. His head was too full of thoughts and worry and he continually got up just to walk around the house in an attempt to clear his head. He read a few more chapters of Lord of the Rings. He watched the late night shows on TV. He closed his eyes and tried to think of things that didn't relate to Jeff. But nothing worked. The night dragged on and he heard nothing from the bedroom at all.

It was the early hours of the morning, just as the first rays of dawn's light were filtering through the curtains, when Nick heard the small thump. He was up and heading for Jeff in seconds. He paused outside the door again, debating if it was a good idea to go in or not. There wasn't any crying or screaming or other nightmare sounds – only silence now.

A second thump made the decision for him. He pushed open the door and looked around the room, inhaling sharply when he saw Jeff. The blonde was sat on the floor at the foot of the bed, his face screwed up in pain. His hands were tangled in his hair, pulling hard, but what scared Nick was the fact he was banging his head against the footboard. He dropped to his knees beside the other and grabbed his head to stop him – Jeff's eyes flew open and he shoved Nick away from him.

"Leave me alone, please," he coughed.

Nick shook his head. "Not happening. What's wrong?"

He didn't get an answer at first. The blonde's body was shaking and his hands were fists at his side now, white-knuckled. But then he forced out through gritted teeth, "Nothing."

"Jeff, _something_ is wrong. You are not okay right now and I'm trying to help you. Did you have a panic attack or something?"

When he didn't get a reply, Nick shook him. "Talk to me! What's wrong?"

All of a sudden Jeff choked, as if whatever he was hiding was surging up and trying to overpower him. A second later, his whole body relaxed and he whispered, "Sebastian's sick."

"What? How sick?" Nick asked, fearing the answer.

"He… he…" Jeff stared at the floor blankly, stuck. Nick lifted his head and made him keep eye contact. "What's wrong with Sebastian?"

Jeff blinked and after a moment, mumbled, "He's got HIV."

Nick stared. He hadn't seen this coming at all. Sebastian had always looked undernourished and sleep-deprived, but he'd still appeared to be fairly healthy. Now he understood Jeff's behaviour over the past hours. He couldn't imagine what the blonde would be feeling at the thought of his friend being this sick.

"How bad is it?"

"They said…" Jeff was starting to lose control, his voice getting weaker "They said he had time. He needs medication, but he has time. He has…"

The blonde started to tip forward and Nick caught him without a second thought. He pulled the other against his chest and a moment later, Jeff started to cry.

"It's not fair, it's not… Sebastian's good… it's… he…"

"Shh." Nick ran a hand through the blonde's hair, knowing it would help "Just breathe."

But he didn't quieten down. He continued to cough and choke out the words, about Sebastian and the unfairness and how he was supposed to stay strong but he couldn't keep it up.

"It's okay," Nick reassured him "If you need to cry, then you cry. If you keep it bottled up it'll only get worse and we don't want that to happen."

"W-What if I get sick? What if I get it too?" Jeff clung onto Nick tightly, barely able to breathe. "I don't… I don't want to die."

"Jeff, you're not going to die. You're fine. You're perfectly okay. Nothing's going to happen to you."

"I don't want t-to get sick, I have to… help Sebastian… he needs me."

"I promise, you will be okay. Both of you will."

But Jeff wouldn't listen. He continued to panic, suffocating on his words. He could hardly pull in enough air to support his fears, let alone anything else. Nick bit his lip as frustration started to build up in his chest. He didn't know how to fix this. Nothing he said was getting through. If Jeff didn't calm down, he was going to hyperventilate. In the confusion, Nick didn't think about his actions at all.

He pulled Jeff's head up and kissed him hard.

Even when he realised what he was doing, Nick didn't stop. He could feel Jeff's hands press harder against his back, and his body shift to make kissing easier, and his lips move with his. It was only the fact that Jeff had to breathe that made him break contact and even then they stayed only centimetres apart, both breathing heavily. The tears had slowed to an almost stop and Jeff stared at him, wide-eyed.

"I'm sorry," Nick said softly "You needed to calm down."

Jeff just nodded, still a little dazed. For a long moment neither of them spoke. But finally Nick lowered his gaze and started to pull back. He'd lost control briefly but it wouldn't happen again. He'd make sure of that.

Jeff's hesitant whisper shot straight through all his promises.

"If I asked you to kiss me again, would you?"

Nick looked over at him. "I shouldn't."

"I know."

He could walk away now and none of this would ever get mentioned again. Life would go on and they wouldn't talk about this, or Jeff's past, or his nightmares or panic attacks or assaults. Everything would go back to normal. And for a split-second, Nick considered that option.

But then he wound his fingers into the blonde's hair and kissed him again. Jeff melted against him, pliant and relaxed as he kissed back with the same fervour. He tugged Nick closer by his shirt, curving his body to press against him. The brunette tightened his grip on the other's hair and he revelled in the way Jeff groaned into his mouth. Everything felt different – better than any other time they'd kissed. Nick couldn't get enough, barely letting up for breath as he pushed for as much as he could get. Jeff let him take it, happy to be allowed to run his hands over the brunette's back and sides. His light touches and tentative explorations of the skin under the hem of his shirt drove Nick _insane_. He pulled at Jeff's hair until the blonde was a trembling mess, making small sounds of pleasure with every tug.

It was only when their teeth collided that he realised he'd pushed Jeff onto his back and fallen on top of him. He pushed himself off and Jeff tried to pull him back unsuccessfully.

"We should stop," he said.

Jeff blinked, reason slowly starting to filter back in. He looked away and mumbled, "Yeah."

Nick looked over the blonde beneath him. His hair was a mess, his lips parted and inviting. The rising sun's light cascaded over him, making his skin seem to glow. He was still shaking a little and his shirt had started to ride up, exposing part of his perfect stomach. He ran his fingers over it lightly and smiled at the shiver and sharp inhale Jeff couldn't stop.

"Do you want to stop?" he asked quietly. He locked eyes with the blonde and saw the answer there before he even spoke.

"No."

Nick pushed at the other's shirt and Jeff took the hint, sitting up enough to be able to pull it over his head. The brunette paid no attention to where it landed after it was thrown over his shoulder – he was too interested in what was right in front of him. He kissed Jeff on the mouth once more before lowering his head and pressing his lips to his shoulder. His hands trailed down over every inch of skin he could reach. Jeff was a wreck, alternately relaxing and tensing his muscles, gripping the other's shirt. Nick looked up in confusion.

"Are you okay?"

Jeff nodded, tipping his head back to the floor. "Y-Yeah. I'm not… not used to…"

Nick moved up and kissed him gently, letting him loosen up before sliding a hand up his thigh. "This?"

"F-Feeling good," Jeff stuttered, fingers tightening in his shirt again.

Nick stopped and lifted his head. Jeff stared up at him, worry clouding his gaze. "What?"

He looked down at the blonde for a moment, then smiled and shook his head. "Nothing." He kissed him again and Jeff relaxed, kissing back and pulling on his shirt. Nick laid kisses down his jaw and whispered, "I can make you feel good if you want."

Jeff moaned breathlessly, nodding quickly.

"Well, there's a perfectly good bed right next to us." The brunette rubbed the other's hip as he spoke, looking up for a response. He got it in the form of Jeff immediately pushing himself up and capturing his lips, smiling.

There was an awkward tangle as they got up from the floor and Nick was afraid it would threaten the moment. But when Jeff stumbled and ended up in the other's chest, he took it as an opportunity to pull the brunette's shirt up and over his head. Nick chuckled and without warning, scooped Jeff up as best he could and threw him onto the bed. The blonde smiled and gestured for him to come closer.

_We shouldn't_, a small voice in the back of Nick's head told him as he crawled onto the bed and kissed Jeff firmly. But he pushed it away, rolling onto his back and letting the blonde take the lead. He seemed a little hesitant at first, but it didn't take long for him to gain confidence, running his hands over Nick's chest and kissing him.

_We both want this_, he told the small voice as Jeff's fingers trailed down and teased at the waistband of his pants.

_He said he didn't want to stop_, he thought as he pulled on the blonde's hair again, making him curve his body down to meet his hips.

_Jeff deserves to feel good_, he said to himself as he slid the blonde's pants over his hips.

_And I love him._


	23. You and Me

**Once again, I have to apologise for how long this has taken. I had this finished a few weeks ago but I had a whole bunch of things going on at once and this had to take the backseat. But it's up now! Read on and have fun...**

* * *

><p>Teresa Henley paused outside the door of the patient she couldn't stop thinking about. She'd known as soon as she'd laid eyes on the young man that aside from being stabbed, there was something <em>wrong<em> with him. She hadn't been able to figure out what and she hadn't been able to shake the feeling. Winning the fight to do the tests that she wanted was a victory she hadn't been able to enjoy, as she spent her days worrying over what the results would be. What is she was wrong? How would she explain the feeling that gnawed at her gut? It had never been wrong before. And then she'd gotten the test results back and she almost wished she hadn't done them at all.

Telling him had been harder than she imagined. She'd been prepared for any number of reactions, from denial and tears to anger and potential violence. But she hadn't been prepared for her patient to just swallow hard and stare at the floor. He'd asked if she was sure. She was. A long pause, and then 'Okay. How bad?'. She'd told him that with medication, he'd be alright. It didn't mean he'd die young. She'd hoped for a sign of happiness – a smile, a twitch, even for him to look up. But all he'd done was nod and take a few deep breaths. He asked her quietly to leave and she had, but she couldn't walk down the hall fast enough to escape the solid thud that came from his room. A nurse told her later they'd found him on the floor hours later.

And now, standing outside his door again, Teresa wasn't sure what she'd find when she walked in. She had to – she needed to tell him that there was counselling and other help available. She had to tell him what she could about the medication and what his life would be like now. That he could live a long, normal life if he did everything right.

But it still took her a long time to open the door and walk in.

He was by the window, leaning on the sill with his back to her. His shoulders were caved in and low and his legs trembled, but his jaw was set and he held his head high. He acknowledged her with a slight turn of the head then looked back out the window. For a moment Teresa wondered how to start, the unsureness surprising her. She'd informed dozens of people about their life-threatening conditions, about their cancer and their brain tumours. She'd never found it this hard before. But this reaction was throwing her and she didn't like it.

She cleared her throat. "You seem to be doing well."

She waited for a few seconds, but got no reply. Shaking herself off, she said, "I've got some things to talk to you about. Why don't we sit down?"

Her hand was already out to take the chair by the bed. She'd barely touched it when he rasped, "I'd rather stand."

Teresa withdrew her hand and nodded. "Alright then. I'd like to let you know about your options."

"My options?" Finally he turned around. He moved with more grace than she would have expected from someone who'd been stabbed only a week ago. He ran his fingers through his hair before wrapping his thin arms around his ribs. He leaned back against the wall by the window, kicking one foot out and crossing it over the other. It was all one fluid motion without a hint of pain, but the only thing Teresa focused on was his eyes. The look of hopelessness and fear was something he couldn't hide, and it was something she was familiar with. It bolstered her confidence – even if he wasn't reacting on the outside, he was a mess on the inside and she knew she could handle that.

"I haven't got any options," he said. His jagged voice also gave away his pain. "This thing is going to kill me, and I'm trying to come to terms with that."

"With the medication, you'll easily be able to live a long and normal life," Teresa said. She tried to continue but she was interrupted by a disbelieving scoff. "You think I can afford that shit? I didn't have the money to avoid being stabbed. I haven't got a chance in hell, Doc."

Teresa pursed her lips. He was staring at her, breathing fast in anger. Perhaps now wasn't the best time to be talking. She straightened her shoulders and said, "Perhaps we should talk later."

He snorted and turned back to the window, just as gracefully as before. She took that as an unspoken dismissal and moved for the door. She'd almost shut it behind her when she heard him speak to himself, his voice very small and broken.

"I never fucking did."

She was wrong. She couldn't handle this. She closed the door and walked quickly down the hallway, wondering why bad things happened to people who didn't seem to deserve it.

* * *

><p>Consciously, Jeff wanted a lot of things. He wanted to be able to pay the rent, he wanted Sebastian off the drugs, he wanted a decent job, he wanted his sister back, he wanted a normal life.<p>

Subconsciously, he wanted only two things.

He craved safety. He needed a safe place to live, he needed his income to be secure, he needed his friends to be alright. He needed to know that he had a place to come back to that wouldn't fall out underneath him, and people who didn't turn on him and leave him helpless. He needed to know that he could trust the people that he did.

And he craved affection. He needed to know that Sebastian and Trent cared about him. He needed to know that they wanted him. He dreamed of his sister and his mother, and the loss of their love. He dreamed of someone who thought he was worth something, who looked at him without hunger, who drove the loneliness away. Someone who could look past what he was and what he'd done and love him anyway.

And in Nick's arms, the brunette rocking into him slowly with his fingers tangled in his hair, Jeff had never felt so safe and so loved. He didn't realise it could be like this – he was used to rough and quick and thoughtless, not the gentle care that was being lavished on him. He couldn't process it all and just held on to Nick tightly, pressing vague kisses to his shoulder and neck. He wanted to say something – he didn't know what – but he couldn't speak. He dug his fingers in, trying to communicate something he wasn't sure he even understood.

But Nick seemed to understand it. He tugged gently on Jeff's hair, pulling his head back and making him sigh in satisfaction. He kissed the blonde, long and unhurried without pausing for breath, slowing his movements a little. When he finally pulled back Jeff was light-headed and dazed, desperate for more. And he got it when Nick lowered his head and kissed him again – but not before the brunette whispered something against his lips, with such certainty that in that moment Jeff whole-heartedly believed him.

"I love you."

* * *

><p><em>I need to get really fucking high<em>.

His hands shook – his whole body trembled with the restless desire for drugs. Putting on a show of strength for the doctor had taken everything out of him, and as soon as the door closed he dropped to the floor. His legs couldn't handle his own weight – or rather, they didn't want to. They'd given up just like the rest of him. What did he have left? A damaged, sick body; a worthless life. A deep sense of shame, fear and guilt for everything he'd been through in his life – and everything that he'd put others through. Somehow he'd pulled through. He'd carried on without really meaning to. He just kept on existing and surviving without any intent or a good reason why. But he couldn't keep doing it anymore.

He'd tried the window before the doctor had come in. He wondered if they were all locked or if it was just his. Had they thought that he might decide to jump when he heard the news? _Well, they were right_.

There wasn't much else in the room he could use. He'd have to keep going until they let him out. Then he could walk in front of a truck and be done with it all. He wouldn't have to live with the pain or the nightmares anymore, or the burning in his chest for drugs, or the guilt over the people he'd messed up.

Jeff. That was a reason, wasn't it? But not even that felt like enough. The very idea of having to burden Jeff with his miserable self – because he knew the man would stick by him no matter what he said – made him want to be sick. He deserved better than that. He could still escape the life and that was what Sebastian wanted for him. To be safe. Happy. He didn't want Jeff to end up like him.

Tears started to build up and he dropped his head to his knees, not wanting to cry. He squeezed his eyes shut tight and tried to think about something else. But no matter what he did, his thoughts always returned to what a fuck-up he was and finally, he let himself go. It started small with just a few tears, but it took only seconds to escalate into full-blown choking sobs.

_Just a little longer. And then everything will be okay._

* * *

><p>The sunlight filtering into the room was comfortably warm on his skin. The bed beneath him was soft and inviting him to fall back asleep. Nick's arm was wrapped around his chest, holding him close, and their legs were in a tangle with the sheets.<p>

It should have felt like heaven.

But Jeff couldn't bring himself to open his eyes. If he opened his eyes, then everything – everything they'd done, all they were doing now – would become real. And he wasn't sure if he could handle that.

_What have I done?_

Jeff bit his lip, clenching his hands into fists as he tried to keep his breathing steady. He'd drifted off into a barely-conscious doze not long after Nick, but he'd been awake for the last twenty minutes trying to wrap his head around everything.

His emotions confused him – he'd been going back and forth since he'd woken from elated bliss to attack-inducing panic and shock and everything in between. He didn't know what the right thing to feel was. But the longer he laid there, the deeper the fear set in.

It had been amazing. He'd never experienced anything like it and he wanted it again – that sense of want and care, of love. But as soon as that word came to him, the happiness drained away.

"_I love you."_

Nick had said it. Nick had told him that he loved him. And that, more than any beating or overdose or loss, _terrified_ him.

If it was true – if Nick had meant it – then it changed everything. His life had tipped right over as soon as those words had left the other's mouth. It wasn't about his stupid, desperate longing for someone to care about him anymore. It wasn't about his pathetic one way crush on someone he couldn't have. Suddenly it was real and he wasn't prepared to deal with the consequences of that.

What was he supposed to do now? Tell Nick he loved him back and then live happily ever after? Jeff knew all too well that life didn't work like that. Life was hard. It liked to wait until everything was working out okay and then it would turn around and punch you in the face. Just like now. Just like with Sebastian and the HIV.

The one thing that had kept him going was the fact that it didn't matter whether he liked Nick or not, because it was never going to happen. It would never work. He was too damaged, too hurt and afraid for a relationship to work. But now everything had changed. Now Nick loved him.

Jeff knew what Nick would want. He would want to try a relationship. He would want Jeff to quit the life he lived and he would want to make everything better. But it wasn't possible. Wanting something that he knew he couldn't have hurt, but it was the way he lived his life. He was comfortable with that. Wanting something and having the possibility of it becoming reality dangled in front of him was terrifying.

Nick mumbled in his sleep and tightened his grip a little around Jeff's chest, making the blonde jump. His heart raced in fear, hoping that Nick wouldn't wake up and he wouldn't have to face a conversation about what had happened. Seconds passed, and the brunette didn't move again. But it was a long few minutes before Jeff's heart began to slow. His breaths still came rapidly, hinting at a bout of panic, but he forced himself to keep calm long enough to make a decision.

He had two choices.

He could stay and wait for Nick to wake up. He could tell Nick that he loved him and that there was nothing more he wanted in life than to get off the street and into something that remotely resembled normal and safe. That he wanted to curl up on couches with him and watch adventure movies, and go to gigs at the bar with him, and kiss him as much as he was allowed to.

Or he could get up now and pack his bags. He could walk right out and get as far away from this temptation as possible. He could run away and disappear and pretend that this had never happened.

He wanted to do both so badly. He was torn in half – part wanted to be in love, and part told him love wasn't something that he deserved. He wasn't worth it. And Nick didn't deserve to be with someone so messed up.

In the end, it was the thought of Sebastian that made the decision for him.

Slowly, carefully, Jeff extracted himself from Nick's embrace, his heart seeming to beat faster and faster with every movement. Finally he could sit up and he did so shakily. It took a few moments for him to gather the strength to stand and when he did, he felt as if he'd left something behind. He was cold, numb and trembling, and something was starting to gnaw a hole behind his ribs. He scratched at his chest faintly, not liking the feeling, but unable to shake it. In the back of his mind he knew it would fade if he curled up under Nick's arm again, but he couldn't do it.

Sebastian needed him. There was no way he could work now – neither of them would allow it – and that meant Jeff had to take care of him. Westerville was small enough that people would talk if Sebastian suddenly disappeared and he didn't want to deal with gossip. And besides, Jamie and his drugs would be too much of a temptation to Sebastian. It was best that they left town and found somewhere new – a big city where they could blend in and disappear. Where he could forget about Nick and being in love and the ragged edges of the hole that caught on his heart.

Quietly, Jeff pulled his cut-off jeans and wifebeater on and checked his messenger bag. Once he was sure he had everything he picked it up and slung it over his shoulder – then he paused. Underneath were the jeans that Nick had let him borrow when they'd gone to the bar and the exhibition. Hesitantly he picked them up, biting his lip. His entire being told him not to, but he looked back for a second at the figure of Nick still sprawled out on the bed. His throat closed up and he swallowed hard. He'd gotten in far too deep. This had to end. He put the jeans back down and without looking back again, left the room.

He didn't bother with a note for Nick. If he was honest, he couldn't do it. He was sure that Nick would figure it out anyway. Shaking his head to clear it, he left the keys Nick had given him on the kitchen table and headed to the front door.

* * *

><p>Jeff was still calm and numb when he knocked on the door to Sebastian's room. He got a muffled call to go away but ignored it, opening the door and walking in. As he closed it behind him he saw Sebastian sat on the floor under the window, hunched over his knees with his hands in fists. The brunette looked up at him in anger, already starting to shout something, but his voice faded when he realised who was there.<p>

"What are you doing here?" he asked instead, hoarse.

"Will they let you out?" Jeff looked him in the eye; saw the change from anger and hopelessness to confusion there.

"What?"

"Will they let you out?"

"I don't know. Why?"

"Because we're leaving town."

Sebastian frowned. "Jeff? What are you talking about?"

The blonde took a deep breath and looked to the floor. "We can't stay here, not with you being sick. We need to go somewhere else. So we're going. Now."

Slowly, with a look of pain, Sebastian hauled himself to his feet. He walked unsteadily over to his friend and put his hands on his shoulders, forcing him to keep eye contact. "What's going on? What happened?"

"Nothing. It's just the best thing to do."

"Jeff, you're lying to me. You're probably right, but you're lying to me. What's really going on?"

"I told you, nothing. Can we go?"

Sebastian shook him. "Tell me! Is it Nick?"

As soon as the name left the other's lips, the hole behind his ribs caught on his heart again and he felt like he'd been punched. Quietly he said, "Don't say his name."

Sebastian eyed him curiously. "So it is him. What did he do? He fucked you over, didn't he? Just like I said."

Jeff swallowed. "Something like that. I want to go."

The brunette took a step back and shook his head. "I can't go."

Jeff looked up in confusion. "What? They won't let you?"

"No, not that. They might let me out. But I can't go with you Jeff. I can't do that to you."

"Don't fucking start this, Sebastian. You're my friend and I'm not letting you deal with this alone. You and I are leaving town right now, okay? I'll look out for you."

Sebastian shook his head. "That's exactly what I don't want, Jeff. You go. But I'm not going anywhere."

The finality in his voice scared Jeff and it took only a second to understand what he was saying. Before he realised what he was doing, Jeff stepped forward and grabbed Sebastian by the shoulders, shaking him roughly. "No, you don't get to do that. You don't get to fucking do that to me. It's you and me, okay? You are the only thing I have and if you do something stupid, I swear to God I will do it to. It has to be me and you because otherwise it's just me and I _won't do that_!" His voice rose as he continued, still shaking Sebastian without a thought. "I don't care if I have to guilt you into living because I will do it! I will do it! I will make you feel so fucking bad for dying that you have to live because I _will not_ let you die! It's me and you, understand? No matter what you do. Me and you! Me and… and…" He choked, anger and frustration keeping the words locked in his throat. Sebastian twisted out of his grip and wrapped his arms around him, holding him tightly. Shaking, Jeff collapsed against him and breathed heavily, not crying but feeling like he should be.

"Okay," the brunette mumbled into his shoulder "Okay, it's me and you. We'll go. We'll leave town and we'll be okay. Me and you."

"You have to promise Sebby. Promise me."

"I promise. We'll be okay."

Jeff wasn't sure how long they stood there, holding on to each other as tightly as they could. He couldn't stop shaking and he could barely breathe, but he didn't care as long as Sebastian was okay. The brunette was slim and frail under his arms, fragile enough to break, but he'd promised that they were going to be okay.

Everything would be okay.

* * *

><p>Leaving the hospital was easier than expected. The receptionist had said that Sebastian could discharge himself if he liked and he had. As they walked out they heard someone shouting at the girl that she shouldn't have let him leave yet, and a quick glance back showed them the young doctor whose name neither of them could remember, who'd urged him to have the tests done in the first place. The pair left in a hurry but not before they caught the doctor's eye as she watched them go. There was a hint of fear in her eyes, but then they headed down the steps and she was gone.<p>

Packing up their things was quick. Jeff had everything with him already and Sebastian took only a few minutes to throw everything he owned into a bag. They left their last rent payment on one of the beds, hoping their landlady Shan would find it before any of her other renters did.

They couldn't speak to Trent. They knew he'd try to stop them, so Sebastian wrote a note and stuck it to the back door of the club, apologising for leaving him without his highest earning performers.

Sooner than Jeff had expected, they were walking down the road out of town, bags over their shoulders and waiting for a ride. The further he got from town – from Nick – the calmer Jeff felt, but the rougher the edges of the hole in his chest got. A part of him still begged him to turn around and run all the way back. Nick would probably be awake by now. He could make an excuse. Say Sebastian had needed him. He could go back. It wasn't too late.

"Are you sure, Jeff?" Sebastian asked from beside him, looking at him out of the corner of his eye. He knew the brunette was asking about leaving town, but that wasn't what he was talking about when he answered.

"Yeah, I'm sure."

* * *

><p><strong>There's only one more chapter to go with this fic guys, and I'm really hoping to get it done quickly because I'm on break from uni. Please review and tell me what you think! <strong>


	24. Admit

**Hi y'all :) I said last time that there was only going to be one more chapter, but as I wrote I realised I needed to split this into two. So that I don't confuse anyone, I've decided to post them both at the same time. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>Nick was still half asleep when he stretched out, smiling to himself. He couldn't quite believe that all of this was really happening. It seemed like a dream. In his daze, he thought that if he pulled Jeff close, kissed him awake slowly, it might start feeling real. Touching him, seeing his beautiful face, his smile - maybe that would cement the idea that everything actually <em>was<em> perfect and he wasn't making it up in his head.

He expected to wrap an arm around the blonde beside him, but his hand fell on empty space. With a frown, Nick blinked his eyes open and stared. For a few seconds he patted the bed where he was sure Jeff had been just a few hours ago. The blanket was thrown back, the pillows a mess – someone had been there. He hadn't dreamed it. Nick looked around, still a little sleepy, and it took three sweeps of the room before he noticed the distinct lack of Jeff's messenger back on the chest of drawers. He wasn't sure when he realised what that meant – just that one minute everything was perfect and the next he was struggling into some pants, calling out Jeff's name. His heart beat hard against his ribs as he searched the house and only found the spare keys on the kitchen table. He couldn't calm it as he pulled on a shirt and called Jeff's phone, again and again.

_He must be with Sebastian_, he thought as he threw himself into the car and tried not to speed on the way to the hospital. He comforted himself with that thought until he spoke to the receptionist and she told him Sebastian had discharged himself, that he'd left with a handsome young man.

_He must have gone home then_, he thought as he spent more time focusing on his racing heart than watching the road. That thought was less of a comfort on the way to Jeff's place and was crushed when all he found at number three was a pile of rent money.

_He _has_ to be with Trent; there's nowhere else he could be,_ he thought desperately, forgetting to think about speed as he made the dash to the quiet, empty club. It was the only coherent thought in his mind as he ran to Trent's door and found the note stuck there. Everything went blank as he read it, his last hope extinguished.

_He can't have left. He can't have. I love him._

* * *

><p>"Nick hasn't been answering any of my calls," Kurt said as he settled back in his chair "Have any of you heard anything from him?"<p>

Around the table there was a chorus of nos and headshakes. Kurt sighed and took a sip of his coffee. He'd lost contact with Nick on Wednesday and it seemed the man had gone into hiding. He wasn't replying to texts or answering phone calls, and now that it was Saturday morning Kurt was beginning to wonder if he should go see if he was alright.

"Do you think he's okay?" Blaine asked.

The others shrugged. Kurt sighed. He was about to speak up and ask if anyone wanted to come with him to Nick's house when the bell over the café door rang and he heard footsteps approaching their table.

"Hey… Kurt?"

Kurt turned in his seat to see a stocky, sandy-haired man smiling hesitantly at him, his hands twisted around the strap of a messenger bag over his shoulder. It took the brunette a moment to recognise him but when he did, he stood up immediately and smiled. "Dean! What's going on?"

"I just wanted to ask if you'd heard from Nick. He hasn't been answering any of my texts and I haven't seen him around."

Kurt's heart sank a little. Something was really wrong. He shook his head and replied, "No, I haven't. I was going to go see him now actually, just to check on him."

Dean bit his lip. "I don't know what's going on with him. He's been kind of weird for a while now, but he seemed really happy when I saw him on Monday. Maybe something happened between him and Jeff?"

Kurt blinked. "Jeff?" _What does he know about Jeff? Then again, what do any of us know about Jeff?_

"Yeah," Dean nodded "He brought Jeff with him to this photography thing we had, but I think they might have been arguing when they left."

The brunette's heart sank a little more. He knew better than any of the others how much Jeff meant to Nick and if something had gone wrong between them, it could very well explain Nick's absence. He put on a smile and said, "Well, I'll see him today and find out."

"Do you mind texting me or something when you see him, just tell me how he's doing?"

"Of course," Kurt said. Dean smiled. "Great. I've really got to go study or I'm going to fail all my classes, so I'll talk to you later then."

They said goodbye and once Dean had left the café, Kurt turned back to the others seated around the table. Wes, David, Thad, Blaine – they all looked at him with worry. He sucked in a deep breath and said, "I'm going to find Nick. Is anyone else coming?"

The four got up before he'd finished speaking, Blaine taking his boyfriend's hand. Kurt smiled at him, then addressed the others. "Someone should call Cameron. All I've had from him are cryptic texts saying he's busy, but I'm sure he'll want to know what's going on."

It took three missed calls and half the drive to Nick's house before Thad finally got hold of Cameron. Kurt could only hear Thad's side of the conversation, but it was clear that their elusive friend was not in a good mood.

"Cam, where the hell are you? I don't care that you're busy, we're going to find Nick. Yes, Nick. No, none of us have heard from him in days. What do you mean, 'oh shit'? Cam, what are you talking about? Is that a guy in the background? Have you been ignoring us for your latest hookup? You know what, I don't care. Have fun."

Thad hung up with a frustrated sigh. Wes rolled his eyes. "Well, now we know where he's been the past few days."

"It doesn't matter," Kurt said as he pulled up in Nick's driveway behind the brunette's car. "We're here now."

They all spilled out of Blaine and Kurt's car and headed to the front door. Thad was the first to knock and they waited for a minute for something to happen. When they didn't hear a sound, David knocked and shouted, "Nick, we know you're in there!"

Again, there was no answer. Wes banged on the door loudly and Blaine called out for Nick to open up, that they just wanted to talk to him. But minutes passed and nothing came of their efforts. Finally, Wes sighed. "Look, if he's not going to answer then there's not much we can do."

David nodded his agreement and Thad shrugged. But Kurt was not about to give up that easily. He smashed his fist against the door a few times, making his boyfriend jump, and shouted, "Nick, we're not leaving. Open the door! If this is about Jeff, we can sort it out! We're worried about you!"

Seconds ticked by, and nothing happened. David opened his mouth to speak, probably to say that there was no point in staying, but then the door swung open violently and surprised all of them. Nick stood in the doorway looking worse for wear, in an old shirt and track pants, his face red and his eyes angry.

"Leave me alone," Nick rasped, and Kurt almost gagged on the smell of alcohol on his breath. They all stepped back, a little startled at their friend's appearance and behaviour.

"We were worried about you," Blaine said, but didn't get the chance to say any more as Nick glared at him. "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine," Thad said.

"And you're pissing me off."

"Nick, what's going on?" Wes asked, and Kurt added, "Is this about Jeff? Did something happen?"

Nick turned on him faster than he thought the brunette was capable of in his state and pointed a finger at him threateningly. "Don't fucking say his name."

David raised an eyebrow. "So something did happen. You guys fight?"

Nick scoffed. "I wish. Get the hell out of my face and leave me alone."

"Not happening," Wes said "Not when you're like this."

"Get out!" Nick screamed suddenly, startling them all. They stumbled back a few steps as Nick growled in a lower tone, "Just go away. I'm fine."

"Jesus, Nick. You took this hard."

The five turned around at the sound of a new but familiar voice. Cameron was standing a few paces away with a sad, knowing look on his face. Nick glared at him and shot back, "Fuck off, Cameron."

"Trent told me what happened. I didn't think you'd react this badly," the blonde said, coming a little closer.

"How did you think I'd react?" Nick said venomously, his face twisted into a snarl. Cameron sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "I didn't realise… fucking hell Nick, you got in too deep."

There was a moment of silence. Kurt looked between Nick and Cameron, waiting for someone to speak because he had no idea what to say. He didn't know what was going on anymore. Then, surprising everyone, Nick laughed.

"I got in deep?" he said "_I_ got in deep? You're in just as far as I am, Cam. Don't you fucking_ dare_ make out like you're different."

"I-I'm not saying…"

"Yes you fucking are!" Nick shouted. He pushed himself off the doorframe and walked towards Cameron, stopping just a step away from him. "Don't stand there and pretend that I fucked up by falling in love with Jeff! At least I can fucking admit it! I love Jeff! I love him, and now he's gone!"

No one spoke for a long moment. Kurt bit his lip. He remembered their conversation when Nick had said he thought he was in love, but that Jeff didn't love him back. He remembered the look on Jeff's face the last time they'd been at the bar and Nick had been performing. He couldn't believe that Jeff would have left. He'd never seen two people more in love, more blissful in each other's company. They looked like they belonged together. They _fit_.

Nick stared fiercely at Cameron as he continued, his voice hoarse and rough. "I didn't fuck up. Jeff is _perfect_, and he deserved so much better than what he got in life. If anyone fucked up, Cam, it's you. You're the one who's in love with the person who exploited him and _used_ him for years, and you can't even admit it."

"That's… that's not true," Cameron said, starting to get angry. Nick shouted back, "Really!? Trent's a fucking asshole who used Jeff for money! He sold him out! Not to mention he nearly fucking shot me! And you still get to have him, you still get to be with him _and that's not fucking fair!_" His voice got louder and louder as he carried on until he was screaming.

"That's not my fault!" Cameron shouted "Don't blame me for the fact that Jeff ran away!"

Nick was wild-eyed as he sucked in a deep breath. For a split-second no one moved. And then, before anyone could react, Nick leaped at Cameron and tackled him to the ground. He slammed a fist into the blonde's face a few times while Cameron tried to protect himself. Thad and David jumped in to separate the pair and the latter ended up with a split lip as he hauled Nick away. The brunette fought against the hold and won, shoving David away and staggering to his feet.

"Leave me the fuck alone," he warned and stumbled back into the house. The door slammed behind him, making everyone jump. For a few minutes there was silence. Cameron rubbed at where he'd been hit and David felt the damage to his lip. Kurt felt someone take his hand and he looked over to see Blaine smiling at him hesitantly. He returned the smile, then turned to Cameron and said as firmly as he could, "I think you need to tell us what's going on."

* * *

><p>In the end, Nick lost track of how long he kept himself locked away, drowning himself in alcohol and waking up at three in the morning. He could only muster up enough energy to hate himself for what he'd done and nothing more. He knew it was his fault. Stupidly, he'd told Jeff he loved him and scared him off, just as he'd known would happen. If he'd kept his mouth shut, maybe Jeff would have been there when he woke up and they could have worked something out. But he'd ruined everything and no amount of alcohol could wash that away.<p>

He lost track of how many times he screamed at the people trying to fix him, and how many times he told them to leave him be. He deserved this. He'd ruined the most amazing thing to ever happen to him, and scared off the most beautiful person he'd ever met. He deserved to be miserable. But for some reason they were persistent. If one wasn't there it was another, cleaning up his mess and throwing out whatever alcohol they could find. It wasn't until he came to his senses again that he realised he'd put his friends through hell. He'd shown the worst side of himself to them – to Wes and David, Thad and Ivy, Kurt and Blaine, even Dean had come around to sober him up when he could.

It wasn't until he came to his senses again that he realised he'd spent three months pining for Jeff. And even though it still hurt to think about him, to see reminders of him, even to hear his name, Nick knew he needed to get past it. He couldn't be stuck forever. Slowly, painfully, things changed. He woke up from his haze.

But Jeff Sterling stayed in his dreams.


	25. Epilogue - Fate

**So this is it. The last chapter.**

**I want to say thanks to everyone who read, favourited or reviewed this story. It wouldn't have happened without you. I've been working on this story since 2011 and it's become an important part of my life - as well as all of you. I'm so glad I wrote this, and I'm really happy with how it's turned out. It's the longest piece I've written to date and one of my favourites. Thank you to everyone who helped out, gave me suggestions and ideas, and were generally awesome :)**

**I want to write a sequel, but I honestly don't know if I'll get time. I'm about to start my degree and I don't want to compromise that. But if I can write it, I will. I really want to. So keep an eye out for that :)**

**I hope you all enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

><p>TWO YEARS LATER<p>

Nick stared at the computer screen and rolled his eyes. He could sense a presence behind him and he knew exactly who it would be – and what they were trying to do. Right on cue, he was grabbed from behind and a cheery voice said, "So how's things?"

He swung around on his chair and smiled at the curly-haired woman grinning back at him. "I'm almost done. I just have to email this to Chris."

"Awesome," she said "So, about tonight…"

"Hayley, I really don't think it's a good idea for me to come."

"Aw, come on. You need to get out more."

Nick sighed. "Trust me, it would be a bad idea. You go have fun though."

Hayley gave a dramatic sigh and tossed her head back. "Uh, fine. You're so boring sometimes. I hope you're going to be more fun tomorrow night."

"I'll try." Nick rolled his eyes with a slight smile as he turned back to his computer. As he finished typing out the email to his boss, he half-listened to Hayley chatting to him about their job the next night and how much fun it was going to be. This was at least the fourth time she'd talked about it. He knew covering the opening of the new art exhibition in Columbus, starring one of Westerville's greatest, was exciting for her but it was just another job to him. Just take the photos he was asked to, smile and be polite when Hayley would inevitably drag him into unnecessary conversation and then get back home for the next day's work. He'd always thought that he'd be happy when he finally got to be a real photographer, but it all felt a little flat and boring now.

Just as he pressed send, another voice cut through Hayley's and asked, "Nick, have you sent me those photos yet? I need them."

He turned around again to see his boss poking his head around the corner. "Yeah, it's all done."

"Good," Chris said, stifling a yawn. "You two go home. Your incessant energy is tiring me out."

Nick laughed. "_My_ incessant energy? I think Hayley's got all of us covered."

Hayley grinned. "Come on you, let's get out of here. Boss's orders."

It took Nick a few minutes to grab his things and Hayley waited by the door, talking his ear off. He shook his head as he walked out of the building with her still carrying on about the exhibition and how exciting it was. He'd always thought journalists were serious about everything, took a hard approach to their stories, were a little dark and gritty. But he figured he must have watched too much TV, because Hayley was loud and bright and somewhat obnoxious and cheerful about absolutely everything. She smiled all the time, she was a creative genius and always full of energy – something that was slowly wearing on him.

"I'll see you tomorrow then?" Nick said, interrupting her gently. She smiled widely. "See you then! And you know where I'll be if you decide to hang out tonight."

"Have fun," he said, waving her off as she headed for her car. He waited a moment before walking to his own, sighing as he slid into the driver's seat. Hayley had been pestering him all day about coming to the bar with her and some of her friends to blow off some steam – the bar he'd used to gig at. But the bar was a reminder of the past that he didn't need. Besides, he didn't mix well with alcohol. Nick rested his head against the steering wheel and sucked in a deep breath. He didn't want to think about those few months. He'd been a mess, but that was behind him now.

Sometimes he was surprised at how much had changed in the last two years. Big things had happened – he'd finished his journalism and photography courses, he'd gotten a job at Westerville's main newspaper, he hadn't touched alcohol in a year and a half. He also hadn't spoken to Cameron in a year. They'd tried being friends, then just being civil, but every time they were in the same room it devolved into a fight, so it became easier to just avoid each other. The rest of his friends had stopped checking up on him. For months after he'd stopped drinking he'd had late night calls and early morning texts making sure he was still conscious and not drowning in his own vomit. Part of him was annoyed at how long it carried on, but another part was glad to know they still cared after the things he'd said and done.

He didn't think about Jeff all the time. Only occasionally, and it was usually in the dark hours of the morning. It still hurt.

He started the car, hoping that tomorrow would be a better day.

* * *

><p>Nick took a moment to focus the shot, biting his lip. Then he pressed the button and smiled as the photo came out just as perfectly as he'd hoped. He lowered the camera and smiled at the artist he'd just snapped. "Thanks," he said. He got a nod and a smile in return before the artist turned away to chat with someone who'd just walked up to him eagerly. Nick melted back into the small crowd, looking around for Hayley.<p>

It took less than thirty seconds to find her – or rather, hear her. She was talking with one of the people who'd just bought a piece from the exhibition, asking for his thoughts. Nick manoeuvred his way towards her and tapped her on the shoulder.

"I think I've got everything I need," he said.

"Great!" Hayley said cheerfully "Why don't you just grab a photo of Mr Lowell here and then we'll head out?"

Nick did as he was told, then followed the curly-haired woman through the exhibition room to the street. As soon as she hit the pavement Hayley laughed and shook out her hair.

"Well that was just as much fun as I thought it'd be," she grinned "That art was fantastic!"

Nick shrugged with a smile, unable to help himself. "If you like that sort of thing."

Hayley stuck out her hand for a taxi that had just turned onto the street. Nick rolled his shoulders and stretched. "I'll be glad to get back and sleep. How late is it?"

Hayley snorted and checked her phone. "It's barely even morning. Besides, you can't sleep yet."

The taxi pulled up at the side of the road and they both piled into the back. As soon as they were settled and the taxi had started moving again, Nick asked, "What are you talking about?"

"We're going to go back to the motel and drop the equipment off, and then we're going to have some fun!" Hayley laughed. She smoothed down the bottom of her blue dress, the slice of sequins down one side sparkling against her dark skin. "I have to get some use of this dress!"

Nick sighed. "I really don't want to go out."

"Come on." The woman looked at him mournfully. "It's not every day we get paid to stay overnight for a story. Make the most of it!"

Nick opened his mouth to argue, but Hayley spoke over the top of him about how much fun they were going to have. She carried on until they reached the motel, where she pulled out the puppy eyes to make sure he didn't escape to their room and lock himself in. The pathetic gaze was enough to keep Nick in the car, but he promised himself he'd go back at the first opportunity.

By the time Hayley returned from dropping off their things, Nick was contemplating how quickly he could leave whatever club she dragged him to. If she noticed his less-than-ecstatic expression at being forced to come along, Hayley didn't mention it. In fact, she carried on talking as soon as she opened the door. When the taxi started moving again, Nick occupied himself with looking out the window and watching what went by.

After a few minutes, Hayley looked over at him and frowned. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"What's the matter? You're not going to be any fun with that attitude!"

Nick rolled his eyes and kept his gaze on the world outside. They were taking a short cut that the taxi driver had recommended, but he had the sneaking suspicion that this way wasn't as short as it had been made out to be. The buildings around them were rundown, covered with graffiti and grime. He caught sight of a couple of barely dressed girls waving at someone further up the street. A teenage boy with dark hair swept to the side, dressed in ripped shorts and a wifebeater. He waved back at them, grinning, before a car pulled up beside him. Nick looked away as the boy smirked at the driver and slid into the passenger seat. His heart sank a little at the reminder that was now long gone as the taxi turned a corner.

"Nick, are you even listening to me?" Hayley asked and he gave a noncommittal grunt. He just kept his eyes on the street on the other side of the window.

For a split-second he caught sight of a blonde figure ahead, dressed in black and red, and he looked down as memories resurfaced. But even as he averted his eyes, he felt as if the bottom of his stomach had fallen out. He had to look up. He couldn't stop himself. And just as the taxi drove past, he saw the face that still haunted his dreams.

Before he could think he shouted to the driver to pull over. Muttering to himself, the man did as he was told and Nick almost fell out of the car in his haste. Ignoring Hayley's confused questions in the background, he stabilised himself on the pavement and stared.

He was dressed differently now – black leather pants, a wifebeater and tall red boots – but there was no denying it. Standing just a few metres away, talking to yet another familiar face in the doorway of an old apartment building, was Jeff.

He hadn't spoken his name in two years but in that moment he barely even realised it had slipped out.

"Jeff?"

The blonde frowned. He and the brunette he was talking to both turned to look at him. As soon as they locked eyes, Jeff froze.

"Jeff, I…" He didn't know what to say. He stumbled and stuttered, trying to find the right words but now nothing coherent came out. Finally, Jeff ran a hand through his hair and said, "What are you doing here?"

His voice was harsh and quiet, but Nick could hear how hard he was trying to force the words out. He bit his lip. "I don't… I don't know? I'm working – well, I was working and now I'm not… and I just…"

"I think you should go," Jeff said in an even lower voice.

"What?"

The blonde stared at the ground, arms around his chest. "You should go. You need to go."

"I'm sorry."

Jeff coughed at that and closed his eyes. Beside him, Sebastian put a hand on his shoulder firmly, but he looked at Nick with something less than the hatred that he'd expected. It seemed like… hope.

"I'm sorry that I ruined everything," Nick said, barely aware of Hayley sticking her head out of the open door to watch the proceedings. "I didn't mean to."

Jeff shook his head. "Just go."

"I still love you."

Jeff looked up at him with wide eyes. Sebastian's jaw dropped. He heard Hayley gasp behind him and in the back of his mind he knew he'd have to explain this whole thing to her right from the start, but at that moment he didn't care.

"I'm sorry, but I'm also not," he continued "I've been in love with you for a long time and I need you to know that. I need you to know that I meant it when I said it two years ago and it killed me when you left and I've blamed myself for that. I thought I was over you and maybe in another couple of years I will be but right now I'm not. I'm not. And I should probably stop talking but I need you to know that I didn't mean to fuck it up and I lo–"

"Shut up!" Jeff shouted. Sebastian jumped back away from him and Nick flinched. The blonde's voice hitched as he continued. "That's why I left! I left because you said you loved me and you fucked everything up! You're not supposed to be in love with me!"

The words seemed to echo in Nick's mind and he shook his head to get rid of them. "Jeff…"

"Stop!" The brunette couldn't stand the hurt and anger in the other's eyes. "Just… stop. Whatever you wanted from me, it wouldn't have worked. Just leave it at that. Please?"

Nick couldn't speak. He tried a few times but nothing came out. A gentle hand on his arm made him jump and he turned to see Hayley perched on the edge of the seat, half-in and half-out of the taxi.

"I don't think we're wanted here. We should go."

"But…"

Hayley shook her head and tugged on his arm this time. Nick looked back and saw Jeff had turned his head away. Sebastian caught his eye and he looked lost, confused. And then it finally sunk in. Jeff didn't want him here. He didn't want him, period. And he knew in the back of his mind, though he couldn't admit it yet, that it needed to end now. He'd spent two years quietly pining for someone that he now knew didn't love him. It was over.

Nick nodded and slid back into the car. The taxi driver, annoyed and loud, asked if they were still headed to the Black Star – he assumed that was the club Hayley had chosen. She gave the confirmation and pulled the door closed behind Nick. Then the car started moving and in only a few seconds Jeff and Sebastian's figures disappeared from view – not that Nick was looking. He was staring at his feet and wondering how much he'd need to drink to forget the last ten minutes.

* * *

><p>Jeff bit his lip as he heard the taxi drive off. His heart beat wildly against his ribs and he didn't know how to calm it down, or how to stop it catching on the hole in his chest that had suddenly made a sharp reappearance. It had dulled over the past two years to the occasional ache when thoughts of Nick came to mind, or when nightmares took hold of him and he was left curled up in the corner of the room trying to breathe. But now it had returned with a vengeance.<p>

Nick blamed himself. He wasn't sure how he felt about that. On one level, it was true. If the brunette hadn't said anything about being in love, then Jeff never would have left. Or at least, he wouldn't have left when he did. But on another level, Jeff had his part to play as well. He shouldn't have fallen in love. He shouldn't have stayed with Nick every time he asked. He shouldn't have kissed him, or slept with him, or held onto him when it felt like his world was falling apart. There were a lot of things he shouldn't have done. He deserved some of the blame.

"What the fuck?"

Jeff looked up at his friend beside him. Sebastian stared at him in confusion and disbelief and said again, "What the actual _fuck_, Jeff?"

"What?" He didn't like how weak his voice sounded. Sebastian rolled his eyes and shook his head. "You're joking, right?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You ran away because _he was in love with you!?_" Jeff flinched when Sebastian shouted. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Well, we're going to!" The brunette put his hands on his hips and glared at him. "You always said there was some awful reason we had to leave and _that_ was it?"

"Yes! That was why! I fucking slept with him and he said he loved me! What was I supposed to do!?" Jeff shouted back, anger flooding through him.

Sebastian shot back quickly, "Not run away? Not continue destroying your life when you had a way out?"

"I couldn't be in love with him, and you know it! I'm too messed up! He doesn't deserve that sort of shit." Jeff sucked in a deep breath and when he spoke again, his voice was ragged and desperate. "I can't love him!"

"But you do."

Jeff coughed. "Shut up."

"You do, Jeff, and you have for ages. I'm not an idiot."

"What do you care? You hate him!"

Sebastian sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I did. If there was anything I could have done to keep you away from him, I would have. But you've been a mess for so long, Jeff. Ever since we left, you've been getting worse and worse. And I realised that the only time you'd ever looked happy was when you were with Nick. And just now, seeing the two of you… He might have been an asshole sometimes, but he makes you happy and that's what you deserve."

Jeff stared down the empty street in the direction the taxi had gone. Sebastian was right. Nick had made him happier than he'd been in a long time. Just thinking about curling up on the couch with him watching movies, or sitting at the bar watching him sing, made the jagged edges of the hole in his chest soften a little. He wanted that. He wanted that more than he could ever say. But there was one thing Sebastian wasn't right about.

"I don't deserve it."

He jumped as Sebastian grabbed his shoulders and forced him to meet his eye. "Don't say that. You deserve to be happy and be safe and not have to do this shit. Don't throw this away. I won't let you throw this away."

Jeff managed a small smile at that. "What would you even do without me?"

The brunette shook his head and chuckled. "I don't even come into the equation, Jeff. This is about you and Nick. Is it what you want?"

He hesitated. He did have to think about Sebastian – he was their only source of income and if he ran off with Nick, the other wouldn't have much to fall back on. He couldn't leave him alone. But his mind forced the answer out of his mouth before he could think to stop it.

"Yes."

Sebastian smiled. Jeff blinked, taken aback at the genuine happiness behind it. Then he was enveloped in a hug and he gasped. Into his shoulder Sebastian said, "Then go get him. Don't let him get away."

Jeff pulled back. "I don't even know where he is."

"Weren't you paying attention?" The brunette grinned. "The driver shouted it loud enough for the whole street to hear. The Black Star."

For a long moment Jeff stood still, unsure. He was torn between what he knew and what he desperately wanted. Sebastian needed him. Nick didn't deserve someone as screwed up as he was. He didn't know how to do much more than the life he'd lived for the past five years.

Then he looked Sebastian in the eye and nodded firmly. "I… I'm going to find him."

In the years that he'd known Sebastian, Jeff had never seen him so excited. His grin widened and he gestured down the street. "Go on then!"

Spurred into action, Jeff spun and started running – slowly at first, and then faster and faster with the brunette urging him on from the doorstep. It wasn't long before he lost the sound of the encouraging voice and he was alone with his pounding heart and rushing blood.

_I'm going to find him. I'll find him and tell him that I love him and it'll work out. It'll work._

His heeled boots slowed him down, and he got numerous confused glances in his direction as he raced down the pavement. But he ignored them, focusing only on finding the club – and Nick. Street by street he got closer and as he did the hole in his chest started to close. He could feel the pain lessening with every step. Hope filled him instead, and that was what kept him going when his legs began to tire.

Just as he thought he couldn't run any more he skidded around a corner, nearly crashing to the ground, and realised the club was just ahead of him. A crowd was gathered around the entrance under the black and neon sign that spelled out the club's name. Jeff started towards it, pushing past other people and searching the faces around him. But the closer he got to the long line of people trying to get in without seeing Nick, the more his heart sank. If he wasn't outside then he was in the club, and there was little chance of getting in any time soon. Jeff stopped halfway to the club's doors, looking from person to person in the vain hope that Nick was close by. His shoulders slumped, his heart made its way to the pit of his stomach, and he could feel the hole in his chest starting to reopen. He sucked in a deep breath and made to turn around – he'd search the club, just to make sure – when he heard a voice that sent thrills up his spine.

"I'm going to go back."

"Aw, please?" A female voice said "It won't take that long to get in, I'm sure."

"You go have fun. But I'm going back to the motel, okay? If I stay here, it won't end well."

The woman groaned theatrically as Jeff looked around wildly for the source of the conversation. "Fine, if that's what you want, although I think some partying is what you need right now," she said and as she spoke, a gap in the crowd appeared and Jeff finally saw him.

Nick was running a hand through his hair and trying to smile at the shorter woman in front of him, dressed in blue with her arms folded across her chest. Jeff stared for a second too long and the gap closed, cutting him off. Panicked, he shouted, "Nick!" and tried to push his way through. The crowd was a little thicker here and he had to elbow his way past a couple holding hands and a group of girls who eyed his boots a little enviously. But finally he pushed through and he was left with a fairly open space between himself and the brunette staring at him in shock.

Jeff could see more people coming to fill the gap in front of him and he knew he couldn't waste any time. There was no more thinking. No more wondering if he'd made the right decision. He just ran, dodging the last person in his way before stumbling into Nick's arms. The brunette staggered a little but caught him and pulled him close. Jeff could feel him trembling as he held onto him tightly. He knew he needed to say something but he couldn't speak – he'd missed this. And finally, after so long, the ache in his chest subsided and the hole closed up.

"Jeff…"

The blonde looked up from his shoulder to silence him. Nick just stared in shock with his jaw hanging loose. Taking a deep breath, Jeff steadied his voice as best he could and said, "I love you."

Nick seemed to react in slow motion. First he continued to stare as if he hadn't heard, and then he blinked. It took another second or two before it hit and he grinned in almost disbelief. Jeff gave a shaky smile in response and said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have shouted at you. I shouldn't have left. I've mi–"

Nick silenced him before he could finish with a fierce kiss and Jeff melted against him. He kissed back with just as much passion, pulling the brunette closer by his shirt. As soon as Nick pulled away for a breath he was back and in between kisses Jeff tried to speak.

"I've missed you… fuck… I had to leave, I'm… I'm sorry… I shouldn't have… I was scared…"

The sound of someone clearing their throat finally made them stop. They both looked over to see the curly-haired woman watching them with a raised eyebrow and a slight smile.

"I'm going to go into the club while you two go back to the motel and do whatever it is you're going to do. I'll sleep in the car."

"Hayley, you can't sleep in the car," Nick said.

The woman tossed her head with a smile. "I'll manage for one night. Or you know, I might do not a lot of sleeping at _his_ place," she said, eyeing up one of the men who'd just walked past. Nick chuckled and asked, "Are you sure?"

"I'm not getting in the middle of that," she said, gesturing to the pair in front of her. Then she waved and said a cheerful goodbye before making a beeline for the broad-shouldered man a little way ahead of her. Jeff watched her go, making a note to ask Nick who she was later on. Much later on.

He jumped as Nick pulled him close again, but relaxed a second later. He barely heard the brunette say that he was going to get a taxi and just followed where he was pulled when Nick took him by the arm and moved closer to the edge of the pavement. He stumbled over his boots getting into the taxi but Nick caught him, and he shivered where the other's hands touched his skin. He managed to stay on his side of the car on the ride to the motel, though he couldn't look away from Nick's face. As soon as they were out of the car Nick was touching him again, taking his hand as they made their way to his room. He hadn't even closed the door before Jeff grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back against it, shutting it with a soft thump.

For two years he'd tortured himself with memories of kissing Nick. But now he didn't have to force the thoughts from his head. He let Nick pull him in and he kissed him the way he'd dreamed about – slow, long and gentle. He revelled in the familiar way the brunette held him, kissed him, touched him. He smelled the same, felt the same – and suddenly the words spilled out against Nick's lips.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled "I was scared. I didn't know what to do."

"Shh," Nick whispered. He pulled back and took Jeff's hands, gently leading him towards the bed. The blonde followed without complaint. He only stopped to kick off his boots before letting Nick pull him down. He rolled onto his back and Nick draped himself over him, pressing kisses to his neck and jaw. Jeff closed his eyes, still tense, and said quietly, "I had to leave."

"Okay," Nick said between kisses.

"No, it's not."

The brunette lifted his head enough to meet Jeff's eye. "Why did you have to leave?"

Jeff could see the pain in his gaze and he swallowed hard. "What I said before, that was true. All of that was true. I was scared because you said you loved me and I knew you would have wanted to make something of it. It wouldn't have worked. It probably won't work now. You deserve better than someone… like me. Who's scared. Who's not okay."

Nick shrugged. "I don't care."

"About what?"

"About whether you're okay, or whether this will work. Trust me, I'm not perfect either. But I want this. And if you want it to, then we should do it."

"This?" Jeff tilted his head and Nick smiled. He lowered his head and kissed him, one hand in the blonde's hair. When he broke the kiss, Nick said quietly, "I want to be with you. I want you."

Jeff shivered as the brunette's other hand found its way under his wifebeater. His fingers traced across his stomach and down his side firmly. Reaching up to pull Nick's shirt over his head, Jeff asked breathlessly, "You want to be together? Like, boyfriends?"

The brunette laughed and tossed the shirt aside. "Yeah, I guess so." Jeff wriggled out his wifebeater before pulling Nick down and rolling over so that he was sat across the other's hips.

"Okay."

"Really?" Nick's grin was a mixture of hope and happiness, and Jeff couldn't hold back a smile as he lowered his head for a quick kiss.

"Yeah. I want this."

* * *

><p>It was a series of loud knocks on the door that woke Nick the next morning. He blinked and groaned at the disturbance, tightening his grip on the blonde curled up at his side. As Hayley called from the other side of the door, Nick couldn't help but smile at the sight of Jeff starting to wake up, yawning and squinting in confusion.<p>

"Look, I'm only going to knock one more time and then I'm coming in. You've been warned!"

A sense of urgency tugged at him and he shouted back, "Give us a second!" Then Jeff, still half-asleep, caught his eye and smiled. Nick returned it and for a minute he forgot what he was meant to be doing. It was only when Hayley knocked again in the middle of a kiss that he remembered and reluctantly slid out of bed.

"Here." He passed Jeff the pants he'd worn last night to the exhibition and grabbed a pair of jeans from the bag by the side of the bed. He'd only just managed to do them up when Hayley walked in and kicked the door shut behind her, shielding her eyes.

"You're safe," Nick chuckled. Hayley dropped her hand and faced the pair with a grin. "Apologies for interrupting, but I need to shower and change clothes before we leave. And it is still my room too."

She spun around and grabbed her own bag before heading to the bathroom on the other side of the room. As she disappeared, Nick turned to Jeff and saw the confused look on his face.

"What?"

"I forgot you two were sharing a room."

Nick frowned. "Yeah? We were working on a story that kept us here most of the night so Chris, our boss, got us a room so we didn't have to drive back early in the morning."

Jeff glanced down at the bed he was still sitting on, then back up at Nick to state the obvious. "There's only one bed."

Nick smiled and walked over to sit next to the blonde. He knew he'd never get over how easy it was to just lean in and kiss him. Jeff responded without hesitation and when they broke apart, he smiled and ducked his head.

"The motel messed up our room," Nick explained "I was going to sleep on the floor."

"No, you weren't," Hayley called from the bathroom "I told you, I have no problem sleeping in the same bed as you. I don't know why people feel weird about it, to be honest. I mean, you're asleep."

Nick laughed. "It doesn't matter anyway." He moved for another kiss but Jeff tilted his head away from him. "You should get dressed. You're supposed to be going, aren't you?"

Even as he'd spoken about it, it hadn't sunk in in Nick's mind that he'd have to leave. He'd have to drive all the way back to Westerville and leave Jeff here and he wasn't sure he could do that. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah, I'm supposed to. I don't want to though."

Jeff smiled. "I know. But you have things to get back to."

"None of which are as important as you right now," Nick said with a smirk. He tried once more for a kiss, this time grabbing Jeff's hips and pulling him in, but the blonde pushed him off with a shake of his head. "Go home, Nick. I'm not going to disappear on you again."

Nick nuzzled his face into Jeff's neck and even though attempts were made to fight him off, they were weak and half-hearted. "Promise?" he mumbled.

"Yeah, I promise."

"Good. Because the only way I'm getting in that car is if I know I can come back and get you."

"Get me?" Jeff chuckled as the brunette ran his hands up his sides and mouthed at his neck.

"Mmm. I want you to move in with me."

Jeff stopped moving. Worried, Nick lifted his head to look him in the eye. The blonde blinked, jaw hanging a little loose. "Move in?"

"Yeah." Nick frowned. "Do you… not want that?"

"I-I do…" Jeff stuttered "You… you have no idea. But I can't just drop everything. There's… things, to think about…"

"Like what?"

"Like that I have no money? I won't have a job? It'll be really hard to get one too, and I don't want to live off your money."

Nick kissed the blonde's jaw slowly. "I can get you a job. I know people. Everything'll be fine."

"I can't just leave Sebastian."

Nick thought that one over for a moment. He and Sebastian had never gotten on well. But it was obvious that they cared about each other, enough that Jeff wasn't willing to leave him. And if Sebastian made Jeff happy, then he was prepared to put up with the guy. He fell back on the bed and dragged the blonde with him, running his hands up his back. Jeff let out an involuntary gasp at the sudden movement.

"Maybe he can stay for a while," Nick said, sliding his hands down to grab the other's hips "Until he can sort himself out. I don't know. I just want you to come home with me."

Jeff opened his mouth to speak but only faint stammering came out. Nick was a little surprised to see him blushing, barely able to look him in the eye. He pulled the blonde down for a kiss and felt him relax under his hands. When they separated a minute later Jeff mumbled, "Don't stop," and Nick was more than happy to comply.

They were still wrapped up in each other's arms when Hayley came out of the bathroom. She interrupted them with a dramatic sigh and said, "I know you're madly in love but we do actually have to leave at some point, Nick."

The brunette groaned and nuzzled at Jeff's jaw. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure I don't want Chris calling us to ask where we are," Hayley shot back with a raised eyebrow. Nick had to concede that point and reluctantly extracted himself from Jeff. He had to leave the blonde to Hayley's company as he showered and dressed, and when he returned he found the pair of them chatting easily. Time passed quickly from that moment on and some packing, kisses, eye-rolling and a phone number exchange later, Nick found himself standing by Hayley's car in the motel parking lot needing to say goodbye.

"Are you sure you don't want us to take you home?" he asked. Hayley piped up from the driver's seat she was lounging in, "I honestly don't mind."

Jeff shook his head. "It's okay. I'll get a taxi. I think I need some time to… process things, before I see Sebastian anyway."

"Okay," Nick said "I… I'll call you when I get back home?"

The blonde smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I'd like that."

They lapsed into an uneasy silence for a few minutes, not sure what to say now. Nick was the first to give in, stepping forward and enveloping Jeff in a hug. The blonde froze for a split second but then relaxed, hugging back tightly.

"Will you think about it? Moving in?" Nick asked quietly.

"You have no idea how much I want to do that," Jeff mumbled into his shoulder "But I have to talk to Sebastian."

"Okay. I love you."

Jeff tensed up in his arms and for a moment Nick panicked, wondering what was wrong. For a long minute the blonde was silent, but then finally the words came.

"I love you too."

Nick pressed a gentle kiss to the other's lips, which was quickly stopped by Hayley sounding the car horn. "Come on loverboy, we've got places to be."

He stepped back and gave the blonde a smile. "I'll see you later?"

The smile he got in return filled him with the same joy that threatened to overwhelm him when Jeff said, "I'll see you later."

It was an effort to make himself get in the car, and even harder to watch Jeff disappear in the rear view mirror. But Nick knew that this time would be different. No more hiding. No more running. No more blame and self-hate and anger. It was going to work.

He'd never believed in fate. He'd listened to stories of people meeting the love of their life by simply being in the right place at the right time, and he'd never believed them. How could he, when his whole life seemed to be one missed opportunity after another? But now he knew. He understood.

All it took was one moment to change everything.

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you for reading You're Too Afraid To Admit It Might Be Love :)<strong>


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